LIfe - what a trip right? When we are small children we have no idea what is in store. If we are lucky we grow in love and security. If we are unlucky we shrivel in the shade of worry and fear. We are not born knowing the difference between the two and what we get becomes our normal, our basis for all of our actions and beliefs.
The love and security is supposed to prepare us for that day when we venture out into the world ,via school and begin our journey. I remember my first day of school walking in those large front doors, into the mouth of the beast, up the stairs like a tongue ready to chew you up and spit you out. Not a thought I had on that day - cloaked in purple for strength and holding my Mom's had for security - I thought I was prepared. I was eager, I was young, was I stupid?
Looking back now, I was smart which was how my Mom got me into kindergarten early. I was not socially ready for school, however. That seems to be a burden throughout my life. I adapted, but never excelled. In truth, because I made stupid decisions to make other people angry which ultimately was my undoing academically.
Socially, I have never felt prepared. I have never found my niche. Don't get me wrong, I am a social creature and thrive in the energy of crowds -- of strangers. I have hundreds of acquaintances who are dear to me, and, as I was reminded at my 35th reunion last night, I am dear to many. It warms my heart. It rejuvenates me a bit and knocks me on my ass a bit more. Always the sharp blade of the double edged sword.
I am sad to say that I do not have clear recollections of specific people and details of my early years, or for that matter, years beyond that. My brain built a wall and stored those away. Seeing myself in a photo of 3rd grade, I was curious to see who my teacher was...sad to say, I don't remember from those days the boy/man who shared this reminder with me from then or throughout high school. It did bring tears to my eyes in real time, which is slightly embarrassing, but not - I am not ashamed to feel what I feel.
My best friend was a boy and my mantra, as I got teased was that 'just because he was a boy, and a friend doesn't mean he is my boyfriend". So many shins kicked and so much anger. I obviously didn't learn how to understand emotions. After an upheaval of my love and security as my family disintegrated emotions became a new participant in my life. Confusion and insecurity are not comfortable experiences in my humble opinion.
I did my best. I put on a brave face and a smile and pretended that I was invincible and nothing could knock me down. I became a latch key kid and ran the streets of my neighborhood with my best friend. We had a round of places and activities. I can't say for sure, but I do believe that I probably talked his ear off, and he let me and he didn't judge my expanse of thoughts and probably random information.
I spent weekends, summers and winter vacations at my grandparents, both sets lived in the same small town. My great gram had a cottage she and her sister summered at down the street and I spent a great deal of my time riding my bike and in the waters of that lake. I played girls softball and baked with my other grandmother for every event going on in town.
I spent time with my great aunts and uncles on our massive farm which was down to a big fat pig called Moe and some chickens and bees which my cousin tended. My great uncle Sonny had a horse which he let me ride once, but which I fed grass and petted. There wasn't a horse in that town that I didn't pet if I could get close enough to it. My dear cousin June and her husband had an array of animals at times, as he was a game warden so I was blessed to interact with baby deer's and raccoons.
Nature was my security and my peace. It is also how I established a sense of love and beauty. Living in the Berkshires there is no shortage, close up or from a distance of beauty be it mountains, lakes, fields, fowl or flowers. People were complicated and unpredictable who changed the rules and the game on a dime. Nature, with its own dangers, has rules and boundaries which can be prepared for, as long as you had an awareness and used your head and were prepared. I mean, hail balls are kind of fun and interesting on a 80 degree summer day, and snow in April melts quickly and it always rains in spring and the snow and cold always comes in winter - consistent and predictable.
Consistency, everything was just so and then one day we met our future. To say things drastically changed would be an understatement. The more things change, the more they stay the same, however and at 8 years old I entered a new school, new battleground, new kids teasing, chasing and kicking in the shins. Why do these memories stand out? I am sure that it was just a release for the anxiety. It didn't have a name in my brain yet, but I can tell you, as I advanced in ages, my access in the library became greater and I searched through massive amounts of books trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
Reading had always been my anchor. Knowledge is key and books hold that key. Pre internet you had to do the work and read all the words. None of this search keyword crap. Now days there is so much information at hand and too much of it is erroneous. Too many 'experts'. Everyone thinks they know everything, you have to source and check. I was reading case studies in elementary school. Such extreme cases of children so far gone by abuse at the hands of their loved ones. Awful, but interesting.
My new life included a house on three acres of land with a river and more land behind it. A little Cape down a long driveway shrouded from the road by a line of trees, but once spotted had a big yellow smiley face on it. It also had an adult in the house to call during the off season, a novelty and one I used often. I had stomach aches and wanted to vomit all of the time. My fight or flight was on flee regularly. You can only fight so much.
My new adult was older than my mother and very paternal. He didn't talk down to kids, he talked like he talked and discouraged, on our first meeting, my friendship with my friend, which I debated wholeheartedly for - a debate neither of us one, I would call it a tie. It was the beginning of a long and cherished relationship. He encouraged me to be my own person and not follow the herd. He was Italian and I was a prima donna in that house. I was not afraid to speak my mind and enjoyed family dinners every night which he laboured over all day off season or I cooked when he worked so that dinner would be on time.
Life was routine and we enjoyed a different sense of freedom. We could ride our bikes all of the way to Lanesboro if we wanted, as long as we were home for dinner - it was insane the amount of freedom we had. It was a nice place to grow up.
I got burned by my best friend, which changed my status in my household just before 7th grade. When you get lied on and your family alters their opinion of you it in a dirty and cheap way it is not a good experience to say the least. I went through the stages of grief and got stuck on anger. Anger which had nowhere to go. I had previously carried a form of hope which led me to believe that everything would be okay - this period of change made that a bit more difficult.
The realization came to the forefront of my life last month when my 'best friends' brother passed away suddenly with a horrible disease. A friends mother told me of a memorial where everyone from the neighborhood was going to be there and remember and support the family and as a community. There was a strong core of friends in our neighborhood and that is how we roll. I was thankful to be told and had every intention of going, until the day of when the reality of life and actions and dirty deeds came to the forefront of my brain and I asked myself what the fuck was I thinking? Why on earth would I possibly? I may be a bad person, but what is worse - respect or disrespect? I had to respect myself for a change.
Can I just interject at this moment that in this moment in time of my life that my wonderful defense mechanism from my childhood has finally (over the past 5 years) released me from it's clutches. Hence, while I cannot recall a clear timeline, it is the clearest it has been in 45 years. I cannot decide if I like remembering better than to have no recall for safety's sake. I do take comfort in the fact that I must be evolving and stronger than ever or else my brain wouldn't play this cruel trick on me.
I guess I like it when it is positive. For example, I like that people share images of me happy, smiling, fun, social. My memories are darker and anti social. I had a total double life. I like that my perception is twisted and I instead left a positive footprint.
Recently I have been facing the challenges of extreme truths and was ready to accept, as I have been trained my whole life, to accept responsibility for things that were not mine to own, a recurring theme. In the past I did and with that the negative connotations which came with these things. I am proud to say that I was able to stand up for myself and hand it back where it belongs, whether those who own it want it or not.
It makes me sad that some parts of life are so shitty and tries to choke the life out of me. Sometimes you have to cut those strangling vines and kill the plant they come from before it kills you. I wish I could say that I have begun to learn how to squash my anger, but I don't want my anger squashed, I want to get to the core of my anger and sprinkle it with love and cut out the cancer that other people's hatred, jealousy, fears, shortcomings of their own have grown and, while I cannot help those who can't accept their own things, there is much I can do to encapsulate myself from that poison.
I thought I had taken off those rose coloured glasses, but I realize now that they were still slightly tinted. I am hopeful that in the third quarter of my life I may rid myself of the rest of those constraints.
A friend last night asked me about a special someone - which in my mind is a joke. I replied, that is next life stuff - the Chinese think they can ban reincarnation but I don't think they have control over that. I believe and I hope that I can work through the lessons from my past life to endure a different future life. I feel closer and further both at the same time - at least I feel!
The love and security is supposed to prepare us for that day when we venture out into the world ,via school and begin our journey. I remember my first day of school walking in those large front doors, into the mouth of the beast, up the stairs like a tongue ready to chew you up and spit you out. Not a thought I had on that day - cloaked in purple for strength and holding my Mom's had for security - I thought I was prepared. I was eager, I was young, was I stupid?
Looking back now, I was smart which was how my Mom got me into kindergarten early. I was not socially ready for school, however. That seems to be a burden throughout my life. I adapted, but never excelled. In truth, because I made stupid decisions to make other people angry which ultimately was my undoing academically.
Socially, I have never felt prepared. I have never found my niche. Don't get me wrong, I am a social creature and thrive in the energy of crowds -- of strangers. I have hundreds of acquaintances who are dear to me, and, as I was reminded at my 35th reunion last night, I am dear to many. It warms my heart. It rejuvenates me a bit and knocks me on my ass a bit more. Always the sharp blade of the double edged sword.
I am sad to say that I do not have clear recollections of specific people and details of my early years, or for that matter, years beyond that. My brain built a wall and stored those away. Seeing myself in a photo of 3rd grade, I was curious to see who my teacher was...sad to say, I don't remember from those days the boy/man who shared this reminder with me from then or throughout high school. It did bring tears to my eyes in real time, which is slightly embarrassing, but not - I am not ashamed to feel what I feel.
My best friend was a boy and my mantra, as I got teased was that 'just because he was a boy, and a friend doesn't mean he is my boyfriend". So many shins kicked and so much anger. I obviously didn't learn how to understand emotions. After an upheaval of my love and security as my family disintegrated emotions became a new participant in my life. Confusion and insecurity are not comfortable experiences in my humble opinion.
I did my best. I put on a brave face and a smile and pretended that I was invincible and nothing could knock me down. I became a latch key kid and ran the streets of my neighborhood with my best friend. We had a round of places and activities. I can't say for sure, but I do believe that I probably talked his ear off, and he let me and he didn't judge my expanse of thoughts and probably random information.
I spent weekends, summers and winter vacations at my grandparents, both sets lived in the same small town. My great gram had a cottage she and her sister summered at down the street and I spent a great deal of my time riding my bike and in the waters of that lake. I played girls softball and baked with my other grandmother for every event going on in town.
I spent time with my great aunts and uncles on our massive farm which was down to a big fat pig called Moe and some chickens and bees which my cousin tended. My great uncle Sonny had a horse which he let me ride once, but which I fed grass and petted. There wasn't a horse in that town that I didn't pet if I could get close enough to it. My dear cousin June and her husband had an array of animals at times, as he was a game warden so I was blessed to interact with baby deer's and raccoons.
Nature was my security and my peace. It is also how I established a sense of love and beauty. Living in the Berkshires there is no shortage, close up or from a distance of beauty be it mountains, lakes, fields, fowl or flowers. People were complicated and unpredictable who changed the rules and the game on a dime. Nature, with its own dangers, has rules and boundaries which can be prepared for, as long as you had an awareness and used your head and were prepared. I mean, hail balls are kind of fun and interesting on a 80 degree summer day, and snow in April melts quickly and it always rains in spring and the snow and cold always comes in winter - consistent and predictable.
Consistency, everything was just so and then one day we met our future. To say things drastically changed would be an understatement. The more things change, the more they stay the same, however and at 8 years old I entered a new school, new battleground, new kids teasing, chasing and kicking in the shins. Why do these memories stand out? I am sure that it was just a release for the anxiety. It didn't have a name in my brain yet, but I can tell you, as I advanced in ages, my access in the library became greater and I searched through massive amounts of books trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
Reading had always been my anchor. Knowledge is key and books hold that key. Pre internet you had to do the work and read all the words. None of this search keyword crap. Now days there is so much information at hand and too much of it is erroneous. Too many 'experts'. Everyone thinks they know everything, you have to source and check. I was reading case studies in elementary school. Such extreme cases of children so far gone by abuse at the hands of their loved ones. Awful, but interesting.
My new life included a house on three acres of land with a river and more land behind it. A little Cape down a long driveway shrouded from the road by a line of trees, but once spotted had a big yellow smiley face on it. It also had an adult in the house to call during the off season, a novelty and one I used often. I had stomach aches and wanted to vomit all of the time. My fight or flight was on flee regularly. You can only fight so much.
My new adult was older than my mother and very paternal. He didn't talk down to kids, he talked like he talked and discouraged, on our first meeting, my friendship with my friend, which I debated wholeheartedly for - a debate neither of us one, I would call it a tie. It was the beginning of a long and cherished relationship. He encouraged me to be my own person and not follow the herd. He was Italian and I was a prima donna in that house. I was not afraid to speak my mind and enjoyed family dinners every night which he laboured over all day off season or I cooked when he worked so that dinner would be on time.
Life was routine and we enjoyed a different sense of freedom. We could ride our bikes all of the way to Lanesboro if we wanted, as long as we were home for dinner - it was insane the amount of freedom we had. It was a nice place to grow up.
I got burned by my best friend, which changed my status in my household just before 7th grade. When you get lied on and your family alters their opinion of you it in a dirty and cheap way it is not a good experience to say the least. I went through the stages of grief and got stuck on anger. Anger which had nowhere to go. I had previously carried a form of hope which led me to believe that everything would be okay - this period of change made that a bit more difficult.
The realization came to the forefront of my life last month when my 'best friends' brother passed away suddenly with a horrible disease. A friends mother told me of a memorial where everyone from the neighborhood was going to be there and remember and support the family and as a community. There was a strong core of friends in our neighborhood and that is how we roll. I was thankful to be told and had every intention of going, until the day of when the reality of life and actions and dirty deeds came to the forefront of my brain and I asked myself what the fuck was I thinking? Why on earth would I possibly? I may be a bad person, but what is worse - respect or disrespect? I had to respect myself for a change.
Can I just interject at this moment that in this moment in time of my life that my wonderful defense mechanism from my childhood has finally (over the past 5 years) released me from it's clutches. Hence, while I cannot recall a clear timeline, it is the clearest it has been in 45 years. I cannot decide if I like remembering better than to have no recall for safety's sake. I do take comfort in the fact that I must be evolving and stronger than ever or else my brain wouldn't play this cruel trick on me.
I guess I like it when it is positive. For example, I like that people share images of me happy, smiling, fun, social. My memories are darker and anti social. I had a total double life. I like that my perception is twisted and I instead left a positive footprint.
Recently I have been facing the challenges of extreme truths and was ready to accept, as I have been trained my whole life, to accept responsibility for things that were not mine to own, a recurring theme. In the past I did and with that the negative connotations which came with these things. I am proud to say that I was able to stand up for myself and hand it back where it belongs, whether those who own it want it or not.
It makes me sad that some parts of life are so shitty and tries to choke the life out of me. Sometimes you have to cut those strangling vines and kill the plant they come from before it kills you. I wish I could say that I have begun to learn how to squash my anger, but I don't want my anger squashed, I want to get to the core of my anger and sprinkle it with love and cut out the cancer that other people's hatred, jealousy, fears, shortcomings of their own have grown and, while I cannot help those who can't accept their own things, there is much I can do to encapsulate myself from that poison.
I thought I had taken off those rose coloured glasses, but I realize now that they were still slightly tinted. I am hopeful that in the third quarter of my life I may rid myself of the rest of those constraints.
A friend last night asked me about a special someone - which in my mind is a joke. I replied, that is next life stuff - the Chinese think they can ban reincarnation but I don't think they have control over that. I believe and I hope that I can work through the lessons from my past life to endure a different future life. I feel closer and further both at the same time - at least I feel!
