Thursday, November 28, 2013


Today went much better than I could have hoped for considering the beginning of the week and the bad feeling that I had and just wanting to throw the whole holiday out the window and be done with it.

My morning started out a bit iffy for no reason other than it is what it is and I find it is better to not block the emotions ~ don't let them control you but hey, if you need to cry ~ better to let that happen than not.  So I did.

Crying is for babies, I know, a sign of weakness and all that rubbish ~ yes, I said it.  I have heard it since I was a little girl when I did cry freely when my feelings were hurt.  It was much healthier than what resulted from not crying ~ bottling up one's emotions and losing sight of them totally.

I drank my tea and did my dailies with my games and put my turkey in a sink of cold water ~ in other words ~ got on with my day.  With such a small turkey I was not hard pressed for time to say the least.

I mashed up the graham crackers and made my pie crust and let it chill for an hour before constructing the rest of the pie and decided to peel some squash before it turned any more than it had and almost took off my knuckle.

While looking for a non existent band aide (I knew this, but looked anyway) I came across the curling iron I knew I had but could not find a couple of weeks ago.  I figured I had given it away at some point over the past 10 years ~ since my hair turned curley I really didn't need it, but with this new haircut my curls went somewhere else.

I was very thankful and did a little dance and taped my wounded finger as best I could and resumed the squash, and began cooking the neck, heart and liver parts from the turkey.  My friend Cindy had given me a couple of onions so I decided I would treat myself to my Gram's liver pate.

I was taking a break and my phone rang ~ my sweet Grand daughter calling to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving ~ and my son in the background asking her if she told me they were going to stop by!  That was the medicine I needed to turn my day around.

It wasn't that anything was wrong with my day but it sure did get a lot brighter after that.  Never in a million years did I expect to see all three of my sons today and my Ainsley as well!

Tom's Dad showed up first.  So he witnessed my almost fail with the potatoes ~ I almost burned them ~ which is a first for me ~ who burns potatoes when they are boiling?  I made a quick save and what a save it was.

The turkey finished up an hour earlier than planned so that was not in the oven when Tom's Dad was looking for it ~ it was resting on the dining room table which I had just finished setting.

My shower was out at that point so I got to eat a delicious meal in my pajamas with my guys.  We had just finished dinner and were preparing out post meal smokes when Jeff and Ains arrived.  Tom's Dad was already sleeping on the couch in front of the football game by that point as well.

I had a great photo op of all three of my boys, but my middle son saw me with my camera and ducked out of every shot possible.  Drat ~ even promising not to post it on the Internet did me no good.

I did get Tom's Dad asleep on the couch and a good shot of my eldest and youngest son's together.  I will have to be more prepared and sneaky at Christmas!

We hung out for a while and then it was time for Jeff and Ains to leave.  We exchanged hugs and goodbyes and it was sad to see them depart ~ although Ains did want to sleep over but Jeff did not look approachable ~ I did offer to take her any time (direct hint!) ~ he said they would think about it!

We had pie in the living room and Thomas got almost a whole chocolate pie since my middle son doesn't eat sweets anymore.  That is great will power for a kid who has been eating candy since he was old enough not to choke on it!

My guys hung out for quite some time.  Everyone was relaxed and chill.  No stress to be found anywhere in my lovely home.  What more could a girl ask for?

Soon it was time for them to leave however.  With turkey and supplies to take home they carpooled and gave Rick a ride home so he didn't have to freeze along the way.

Tom and I resumed our usual positions at the computers and I made a tea and settled in to do an update, got distracted, finished the dishes, made a sandwich and another tea and here I am.

I realized at some point while I was thinking about how good the gravy was that I forgot to add any seasonings at all ~ it was so good it was not easy to notice but I could have kicked myself ~ another food oops!

Just about 9:00 and everything is clean, wiped down and with the exception of the leaf in the dining room table which just needs to be returned to the pantry, all is ready for another day.

The fun begins tomorrow with the beginning of Turkey Soup and liver pate.  Two of my very favourites to be sure!  My soups are like meals and believe me ~ you do not walk away from a bowl of any of my soups wanting.

I am off to spend some quality time with my youngest.  I hope your day ~ holiday or not was a wonderful and blessed thing.  I so enjoyed all of the positive and not so positive bits of unexpected things in my day.

I off to raid the kitchen  and make another sandwich ~ night all!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


This mornings meltdown far behind me, I am taking a moment this Thanksgiving eve to do what I like to do best and write.  
I don't know if I went to sleep on the wrong side of the bed but I sure did wake up with a heart full of sorrow and pain this morning.
That is unusual for me.  To succumb to one sentence spoken to me driving my waking thoughts all over the place and dredging up more painful memories, it was apparently a huge trigger for me.  
Writing did not bring me out of it ~ a couple of crying bouts, a conversation with a friend nor a long walk did the trick.
I did have to focus extremely hard not to think about what was bothering on my hike.  One good thing was it didn't rain.
Another was that I walked to a supermarket which I have never walked to before on roads I have only driven down so there was a lot to distract me visually.
I don't even think, after reflecting upon my emotions and the impact which they had on me, that what was said to me was the core cause of such a reaction ~ that it went much, much deeper than that.
Being a "family" holiday does not help me either, as my extended families and my core family doesn't mix for a number of reasons, so I have my day with my family (sons) and their families.
We are short a son, daughter in law and granddaughter for this holiday.  I have Christmas with them.  I am thinking this is a good thing this year since I am not my usual perky self.
I have the turkey thawing in the sink for a little while in preparation.  I am going to make the chocolate pie in the morning and then all I have to do is peel stuff.  Not too bad.  
No stuffing ~ my family is so easy.  A roasted bird, some smashed garlic potatoes, my homemade gravy and some green beans to add some colour along with some cranberry sauce and voila.
Since I have stopped using the dining room as the dumping ground, everything is pretty much in order.  My biggest concern is whether I should add the leaf to the table or go with a more cozy setting for the five of us.
Considering this morning I was actually thinking about just cooking, serving and excusing myself from the meal I think I have come a long way indeed.
I do need to find out what time everyone is planning to eat dinner here, another concern.  No stress!
I opting for an early evening this evening to take care of this massive headache and put an end to this rotten and miserable day so I can have a fresh one to work with tomorrow.
If you celebrate then do have a Happy Thanksgiving!  

My repost from


I am trying to remain calm, happy and carefree in this moment.  I am fighting a wave of anxiety and overwhelming emotion overload.  I watch the weather ~ hear the rain falling.  I gather the garbage and empty the fridge trying to shift my brain in another direction.

I am not sure if I am going to win this battle today.  I feel more like crawling back into bed and saying screw it and pull a Thomas and not wake up for 12 hours ~ hell ~ I wanna go for the record and make it a couple of days at least the way I am feeling right now.

The shitty part is that I was feeling fine last night ~ very excited and happy about my holiday meal and the family day.  Now ~ not so much.  I guess I crossed a line somewhere during the night and morning ~ somewhere between dark and light.

The balance is a fine line on days like this.  Feeling like I am a nuisance when I ask for a small bit of help ~ 20 minutes of time maybe 30 ~ selfish I know.  I am such a taker and user ~ always expecting everyone to do things for me ~ (NEVER) but made to feel that way when I bend over backwards and make sure everyone around me is good and helping where I can expecting nothing in return but never prepared when I ask those around me for a bit of help when I have no choice.

Another piece of my heart broken off the original organ beating in my chest ~ I felt it crack and separate and fade away.  I don't know how much is left of my poor heart!  It is discourage and painful and the reason why I don't ask/expect.

Kicking myself because it was warmer and dry yesterday and today it is wet and cold and rainy and I wish I could be like everyone else and say forget about it ~ it is what it is, make the best of it, forget about it, smile through it.

Oh well, it is what it is.  Screw it!  

Monday, November 25, 2013


Monday ~ what a day it turned out to be!  I just got dinner in the oven ~ 20 minutes free to write and try to regroup.  I am having a day that seemed to be working out and then in a blink of an eye ~ wham ~ someone else turned their problem into my problem and when I couldn't jump through their hoop immediately they went into attack mode!

I walked in from my Monday afternoon standing appointment and then an hour waiting and picking up food for my Thanksgiving and waiting for a much needed ride ~ which I wasn't even sure about until a few hours before ~ so great ~ my problem was solved.

On the way home my phone rings and I am literally just about at the store when Tom's Dad phoned crying about how he wasn't walking the turkey (not a ham like he wanted) to my house and he couldn't fit it in his refrigerator so I had to come and get it RIGHT NOW!!

Forget that my ride had things to do and places to go which barely included my ride home and it was impossible for me to jump through that hoop right then and there.  I make it to my house and my phone is ringing with the grown man calling talking crap about my son who couldn't stop by his house for him.

Really ~ since when is your problem my problem?  Last week when my phone rang and he cried about how he couldn't walk to the store and carry a ham home, and now he got loot for the holiday and nowhere to put it and I have to figure out how to get it as well???  There is something wrong with this picture for sure.

It is the same three blocks for me in the cold, dark night and not my turkey ~ not my problem, only now that the idiot spent his ham money and is still coming for dinner ~ it is my problem because now I need that stupid turkey!

Mind you I have been gone for the previous three hours and was in no mood to listen to him as he put my son down when it isn't his problem either and he hangs up on me ~ calls back three times as well ~ which I really just ignored while he swore at my machine.

I made a cup of tea and rolled a couple of cigarettes and reduced my blood pressure and was almost there when the phone rings for the fourth time.  I am pissed now mind you, tired of dealing with his bullshit when he really is never around unless he needs something or what have you ~ a total Pittsfield syndrome or horror of horrors ~ that is just the way the world is now???  I am not sure!

So I answer ~ "Are you calm now" he asks me.  Calm ~ I want to rip off his head and shove it where the sun doesn't shine and kick him you know where ~ "Sure I am" I answer.  The sarcasm totally missed by him.  He starts checking off things I may need ~ "Do you use this ~ do you need that" ~ yes, no ~ yes.  How bout some butter ~ I ask him ~ knowing he probably finagled a couple of pounds from the nice lady at the church ~ "You're not getting my butter."  says he.

"Fine, good luck with your turkey." says I.  "I will give you a stick."  he says.  "Make it two or forget it."  Okay then ~ somewhat of a win.  I am still walking and still need to get up to his house.  My girlfriend volunteers to go with me.

We leave ~ it is dark.  I call before we arrive so we don't have to wait forever.  His phone is busy.  I get to his place and they ring him on the house phone as I am calling his cell phone ~ no answer ~ house phone still busy!!

Are you kidding me!  I was ready to kill him.  One of his neighbors tells us he was outside and down the street so we walked down North Street looking and calling him when he finally answers.  I was down in the laundry room ~ he says.

He tells us he is on his way down and we are in the lobby for another 10 minutes I kid you not!  By this time I am so mad and not even in the mood to help him out which is also helping me out.

Someone else had already offered to give me a bigger turkey just so I didn't have to deal with this crap and go and get it!  At this point I was thinking I wish I had done that instead ~ but I cannot abide by food going to waste and he would have let that thing go bad thawing out unrefrigerated.

So we bag up the loot ~ which weighed a ton and my g.f. and I lugged the food back down to my place ~ sharing the weight of the turkey between us in the backpack.  Do you know I even had to ask him for my butter?!!??

So now it is 9:00 at night.  I finally have dinner in the oven and halfway done ~ thank goodness because after all of this unexpected drama this afternoon and into the evening I am ready to eat and crawl into my bed.  I am resisting the urge  to cancel Turkey Day altogether but I do enjoy the holiday with my Sons and their Dads.  Tom's Dad might get a boot in the pants from me on Thanksgiving however!

Right now I would be thankful if I was on a cruise somewhere heading to a warm sandy beach but that isn't going to happen.  It is what it is and I am not going to let this ruin my holiday!  Food is ready ~ one step closer to my bed and my t.v. and another day to look forward to as I get ready for this holiday!

Saturday, November 23, 2013


Busy day preparing for my sleepover.  Making my list and checking it twice ~ noticing oops I need some more sugar if we are baking cookies (which was at the top of the list), necessitating a walk to the store which of course was as far away as it could possibly be!

No problem, I took a break from my last minute touches on the house and prepared to make my way up the road.  It was a nice day ~ not sunny ~ the clouds were grey and plentiful but the temperature was not too bad and there was no wind so I made my way slowly, enjoying the walk down main street.

I had plenty of time to spare and I was quite proud of what I had accomplished ~ amazed at how many clothes were actually piled up that needed to be hung in the closet and put in the dressers considering I haven't really been anywhere in a while, that alone made a huge difference in my room ~ which is the new landing spot as opposed to the dining room.

I had braved my son's room and put away his load of laundry and stole his sheets and blankets, replacing the old with fresh and clean ones.  Tidying up the room ~ the new home of the exercise bike, which my granddaughter likes to ride even though she is a twig and can't reach the handlebars when they are away from her so she rides with no hands and the seat all of the way down.

I had until 4:00 to put the roast in the oven, planning on dinner for 6 ish.  My son said he would phone after he got home from work.  I was sitting around trying to figure out a game my son got for the PS4 with flowers of all things ~ trying to be patient.

When I tried to phone him the phone went right to voicemail because he was trying to call me at the same time which was funny and the second that has happened to me this week.  He said "Ains wants to talk to you" and for a second I thought she had a better offer ~ but she got on the phone and said "I'll be there soon" excitedly!

Her Mom said she had been asking since 3:30 if it was time yet!  I knew how she felt and there is not a better feeling in the world.  Although it is 2:00 in the morning as I write this ~ I am radiating with love and happiness and have the hugest smile on my face.

About an hour ago I was in the living room and my granddaughter came down with a big smile on her face ~ sleepwalking and laid down on the couch and curled up with the pillows my grandmother made for me 20 years ago, I asked her if she had to use the bathroom and carried her upstairs to bed and laid her down ~ she sat up and said " I have to use the bathroom and ran downstairs!  Silly goose!

I tucked her back in, she had a huge smile on her face as I looked down at her curled up with my Gram's pillow in the middle of my bed ~ already back to sleep.  I kissed her and told her I would be up soon.  She is definitely a godsend to me.

We had our dinner and baked our cookies ~ everyone pitching in stirring.  Ainsley had it all the way up to the flour and then she enlisted Thomas for the first cup of flour and he stirred for a minute and suddenly I was the only one left in the room.

I whipped in the flour and suddenly it was time to add the chips and everyone was back again ~ Tom opening the bag and Ainsley pouring the chips in and both of them walking away with a handful of chips to test them out.

Ains and I got the dough on the sheets and I put them in the oven and set the timer.  Earlier at dinner I had checked out what was necessary to plant that bulb and found a cool compressed disc which you added water to in a 2 quart container and do make sure the container is big enough!

I did not realize how quickly it was going to expand and before my eyes and before I could get Ainsley over to witness this sight~ it was 5 inches tall and that was only half of the water!  Very cool in my estimation.  It need 15 minutes to hydrate so it did it's thing while we were eating.

While the cookies were baking I decided that it would be a good time to plant our bulb and we set to work adding the soil to the pot and placing the bulb and finally watering it.  Ains utilized the leftover soil by adding it to my spider plant and my avocado tree and that was that.

When the cookies were done we took a short walk down the end of my street and checked out the lake.  Of course Ains spotted the ducks on the water even though they were specks in the fading light.  The path is pretty nice they are putting in.  I can't wait to see it when it is finished.

Thomas gave Ains a piggy back ride home and we had a cold drink and the two of them played some computer game while I sorted out the kitchen and decided it was pajama time ~ this time up in my room.  Thomas is a bit of a distraction for Ainsley ~ she likes to play so I put on Willie Wonka ~ the original one, which she has never seen.

She got a kick out of it and we will have to watch it from the beginning sometime.  It is one of my favourite movies from my childhood ~ a must see and I think a classic for sure.  She still wasn't out so I opted for "Bringing Up Baby" which is also a favourite and definitely a classic and she was soon asleep (Thomas woke her up once when he came up to see how I was doing).

As you can tell, I have not been disappointed ~ the anticipation was not a letdown for either of us.  I dread the teenage years when she ventures out on her way with girlfriends instead of Gramma's.  I hope she remembers me when...

I have plenty of time to worry about that, although time does pass quickly.  Speaking of which ~ the sun will be up in a while and so will the munchkin so I am off to dreamland ~ breakfast and painting in the morning.  It is her Uncle Nick's 17th birthday tomorrow so we have to plan dressing before the parents arrive in there somewhere as well.

I will catch you later ~ until when I hope your days are filled with just a smidgen of what I am feeling this day!  I am truly thankful.

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Another day closer to Friday and my sleepover with my Granddaughter.  I want her to have wonderful memories to carry with her when she is older of our time together ~ even when we are not doing anything fun or special other than being together.

Although, I sometimes felt that I had to go to my grandparents on the weekends and school vacations while my mother worked to support my brother and myself and her with no help after my father left, I have bucketfuls of wonderful memories of both of my grandmothers, grandfathers, and even my great grandmother.

My Mother was the oldest of seven children and my grandparents all lived in the same town.  I spent a lot of time with  my Aunt and Uncles, who were close in age at the Lake between the store and the cottage.  It made me a countrified city girl.  My heart was always in the country however ~ but I do like many things about the city I grew up in now that I am an adult.

My other grandmother was one of thirteen children and I knew many of my great aunts and uncles much better than my actual Aunt and Uncles and Cousins who lived elsewhere.  Although, visits to their places were not uncommon ~ just irregular ~ as life takes you places as you grow up and away and time has a way of passing and soon you are the ones growing up and on with your life away.

I personally cherish the early years with my children.  (Not to say I don't enjoy my time with them now!)   Watching my oldest son grow from a baby into a little man and helping to shape his self ~ seeing him with his brother and shaping him and then the two of them  helping shape my youngest son.

We grew up together ~ the three of us.  It is funny as I get older and they get older how the roles reverse and they try to "parent" me.  I must say ~ it is interesting seeing life through their eyes and laughing at their principles at times and delighted they have them.  They are very good boys and I am glad they are my boys.

The love, support and encouragement is what I hoped to instill in their little lives and which I know they pass on to others.  I see it and smile, knowing that I did have something to do ~ and am proud to have been a part of and continue to be a part of for a long long time!

As a parent I always hoping that the good memories far out shadow any negative experiences that life inevitably puts into our paths no matter what.  I tried to raise my children in reality so that when the real world hit them it wouldn't be so bad.

I also encouraged communication so they would always have a safe place regardless ~ to talk and express their feelings so that they would  know how.  Not everyone gets that.  I remember growing up and wishing I had someone I could share certain experiences with.  Not really a good thing as far as I recall.

The laughter and love and preservation of childhood is very important and hence ~ it is my supreme duty to do so.  I don't have much experience in this grandma thing.  Knowing my sons ~ she is the only one I am likely to get.

I do know how to create awesome memories.  So does my lovely grand daughter as today in the mail was a postcard of a picture she did for Thanksgiving of turkeys.  It was very nice and I loved how it came this afternoon as I was waiting to phone her to confirm our plans.

I had just finished up my room and was preparing to phone before I cooked a late dinner when the phone rang and it was my granddaughter!  It is like I am six years old again!  I even have another date to babysit while they go to a work Christmas party!!

I am one of those weird parents who loved and still do love spending time with my kids.  They were very busy little individuals throughout the years and then again so was I so all of our time together their entire lives was quality time.  I am sure at times it annoyed them ~ but that was the breaks of the game!

I did adopt the philosophy ~ the best one ever of not worrying about the dishes and hanging out instead (although I usually still did the dishes) ~ opting to take a ride anywhere at the drop of a hat and ending up anywhere on the Mountain ~ to the beach ~ in the woods, the Aquarium ~ home telling stories by candlelight when the power went out with the fire keeping us warm in the wood stove...

It was difficult being a single parent ~ I can relate with my mother and understand the necessity and respect and appreciate it, as I hope my young men remember and understand when they look back over the years.  I hope they look back at every stage of their lives and smile at many memories at a time.

I know ~ by the excitement in my granddaughters voice when we spoke that we both are creating wonderful memories for each other!  I am honoured, blessed and so happy to be loved as only a granddaughter can love her grandma!

I am so blessed by all of my grandma's ~ I have huge shoes to fill!  I know I am up for the task!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

My Worst Nightmare ~ Writing Challenge # 5

My worst nightmare is a demon.  He came to me in the disguise of Love.  It wasn't until later ~ much later that he revealed himself to me clearly.
Once I realized ~ it was too late ~ I had sealed my fate.  I broke free of my nightmare yet it kept finding me.
I ran and hid ~ unaware that my nightmare was biding it's time ~ waiting to find a crevice to crawl through and back into my life.
The demon nightmare changed it's name and face and changed back to original form once more.
It found me once again in the light of day and made it's way back into my heart choking the life from my very soul.
Once again I cast the demon out ~  It stalked me endlessly.  I was woven into it's web til I clawed my way free.

Just thought I would share my other writing for the day ~ I should say that my second nightmare came true ~ I wrote a post and thought I had published it but it disappeared ~ so I had to re write from memory and the first was better but this one isn't too bad ~ what do you think?


I was so motivated to get up early this morning and go to my early appointments.  Good thing they were not mandatory as when my alarm went off I just let it and listened to it four times try to wake me up with no success.  I did not even have the energy to raise my arm and disarm the darn thing!

So, I snuggled deeper under my blankets and caught another hours worth of sleep to wake refreshed.  I for one am not going to beat myself up over this.  Yes the sun is shining ~ no rain, no snow ~ just cold air, which I noticed when I brought my garbage outside for the garbage men - one of the reasons I HAD to get out of bed today.

I was checking my plants and pleased with the shooter coming off my Spider plant I received for Christmas last year ~ just a wee baby I grew it up and was jealous when I went to visit the friend whom I received it from to see his had multitudes of shoots coming off of all of his ~ jealous no more!

I was planning on doing a whole plant and flower blog but then I went to get my vacuum cleaner out of the cellar entry where I keep it just outside my kitchen when I noticed something which scared me and prompted me to phone my landlord.

The cellar is split in my house, I have the furnace and fuse box and washer and dryer and a few odds and ends I keep down there seasonally ~ air conditioners, outside chairs, flower pots, coolers, etc., you get the drift.  My neighbor doesn't have access from inside but there is a hatchway so she can get to her fuse box which is not in my cellar.

The door between my cellar and the vacant rest of the cellar was opened and my make shift lock (a board with a nail through it for less easy access was on the floor.  I grabbed the hammer and went to investigate, not noticing anything out of the ordinary when I brought the laundry down.

Still, I was freaked out, but maybe it was the landlord or one of his workers.  I called him ~ nope, no one has been in my cellar since I let the oil guy in last week and let him out and secured the cellar.  Creepy!  So I have yet again been told that a real lock will be put on the door finally!

My landlord also began with..."I have some bad news"  usually when I hear that I am out the door and looking for a new place ~ but this time it isn't me!  My wonderful noisy neighbors are leaving!!!!  I am so happy ~ the flop house is taking it on the road in January!

I have received an early birthday, X-mas and New Years Present all wrapped into one!  Now I just need to help locate a new tenant who respects others and who doesn't have pets.  Shouldn't be too difficult right?  I am glad I am not the landlord/property manager ~ but it was nice of him to let me know so I can keep my eyes and ears open for a nice couple or a single person to fit the bill!

So that is my day so far.  I have the laundry going and the vacuum cleaner out and ready to start where I left off last time and work my way through the downstairs.  Some more laundry to fold and put away and a quick vac of the upstairs and I am ready for my visit with my Granddaughter on Friday!

I am also needing to run out and do some errands ~ pick up some supplies for the rest of the week and do a bit more planning on how I can occupy my granddaughters time productively and memorably while we are visiting ~ chocolate chip cookies and the creation of might be in order!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


With the lull in activity and the approaching winter I find myself once again in a very introspective state of being.  It is a bit early to be headed into "winter" mode mentally as it is known to be a very long wait for spring around here.

Over the past few days of recuperating, I have found a nice little winter project to begin.  It springs from a thing that I found out about a couple of years ago by chance but which I wanted to do this year ~ make a miniature Christmas Tree for the Auction to help out the local food pantries, but alas, I never saw any information on it and then the Trees were on display last month and it was too late to participate.

I am getting closer to next year however.  I have more information and will be researching just how to get my name on the list to participate.  I also have an awesome theme ~ which I will not be sharing here ~ sorry ~ but which will take me a while to implement as I am planning on creating all of the decorations myself.

The pictures I took do not do justice to these magnificent trees which people took an amazing amount of imagination and time creating!

I walked my Granddaughter up to see them when we had our "first" sleepover together and she liked them as well.  I am glad that we took the opportunity to do so as they were gone shortly thereafter much to my dismay!

To have an idea on a theme is a miracle for me and I have written it down and made a list and have a plan in my head which is half the battle ~ I can actually envision it ~ don't they say if you can see it you can be it or something along those lines?

I don't know if you have been noticing that I am a type A personality who is stuck in a much slower life at the moment than I can deal with.  That means I have too much spare time on my hands and I get bored very easily and also waste a lot of time with games and other nonsensical activities that really do nothing but make me really frustrated.

Doing the daily blog alleviated the boredom but lately I have been slacking from posting everyday. Sometimes I am just too busy and others I am just not finding anything interesting to share with the world and last but not least once in a while I get unsure about why I am even doing it at all and what compels people to read my words.

Still and all, I like to write.  I have been very happy lately to have a writing site which posts writing challenges which seem to be read by quite a few people and invoke discussions as well.  I am finding a sense of community amongst other writers and am one step closer to almost being okay with calling myself one. (A writer that is!)

Since my "program director" went on vacation I think the spot has been vacated and with the cooler weather and my inability to motivate myself out of my pajamas let alone out the door ~ having chosen to waste the day watching reruns of "Dark Shadows" instead of taking a shower and attending the meeting at 5:30 and the Reading at 7:30 this evening.

I did try to get my brain in the right gear to participate but alas ~ the nap between 4 and 5 just seemed more important and necessary!  I think I am using the guilt of not motivating to write this blog just so that I feel productive today!

Tomorrow is another day and I will be working harder at getting out the door.  I do have an early meeting which unless it is raining I may just force myself up and into the shower and out the door without too much of a problem.  If there is a problem in the morning I will just clean my house in preparation for my granddaughter on Friday and it will be all good.

I am so stoked however, to have an idea for the Christmas Tree and the whole winter to do it!  See, non productive physically does not have to mean non productive mentally!  It is the first really good idea I have had in years!

Who knows maybe I will be able to utilize my introspection into a outline for a story ~ I did after all miss the writing challenge of writing a book in a month in November and you never know what December will bring! I look forward to pulling some of this closed off potential out of the closet of my brain that is for sure!

Monday, November 18, 2013


Finally ~ a minute to write!  After such a full and productive weekend I have had to recover for the past couple of days physically and mentally shifting gears focusing on the next set of priorities and obligations.

I sailed through the production of making 150 Crab Rangoon's from the dough to rolling and cutting the wraps ~ making an amazingly creamy and luscious filling ~ keeping them fresh and moist until it was time to fry them up and deliver them to the party.

I think I give myself an A- as I had to cook them at home and keep them hot and deliver them ~ they would have been an A+ if I was able to cook them there as needed fresh and piping hot ~ well, slightly cooled as cream cheese and crab hot out of the oil is the ultimate definition of piping hot!

I can say that my dear friends party, while it was a lot of work prior to and throughout the afternoon and evening, was the best fun and most comfortable I have ever been in a large group of people!  That is saying a lot to me as I look over the years and the memories and the people whom have shaped me ~ this woman and her sisters, their spouses ~ their children.

It is difficult to express in words because it is a feeling that I don't have words for not being all that familiar with it.  All I can say is that the feeling is more beautiful than the most glorious sunrise or sunset over the most stunning surroundings in the world with the best seat in the house if you know what I mean.

Needless to say we all felt it the next day which thankfully was Sunday.  I felt it so much that I had the time to write but not the energy ~ I did nearly nothing and actually watched a couple of old black and white movies in a row moving as far as the kitchen to consume some leftover finger rolls and use the bathroom.  I felt like I had played a game of tackle football!

I decided early in the day Sunday that I was not going anywhere until my appointment Monday and had just enough supplies to make it through ~ lacking half & half for tea so I had to settle for low fat milk which I hate but I gladly suffered through in order not to leave the house.

Thomas was still at his brother's so he missed out on our Sunday night shows ~ since my neighbors were on noise patrol from 10 pm. til well past 2:30 a.m. I was awake and got to see everything.  I woke up pretty tired this morning.

I made a good call with not leaving the house, still sore and stiff from the weekend.  I really felt it when I walked to my doctor's appointment.  It was a beautiful and warm day especially for November.  I don't know what you call a warm period after Indian Summer but I like it and I hope it continues for us!

I picked up my supplies after my appointment and ran into a couple of friends along the way.  When I returned home I had to have a cup of tea with half and half.  I was still dragging and I had only had one cup of tea in the morning which is like having none at all for me.

I decided to have tea in bed and turned on the t.v. and watched an old movie about Lillian Roth who was a singer/alcoholic.  Very dramatic.  My son decided he was coming home ~ yeah ~ I was very happy at that as I had been missing waking up and finding him sleeping on my couch instead of his bed!

This day was turning out better already as it progressed!  He has good timing as I finished the finger rolls and was working on the meat platter next and really needed his appetite!  Did I say there was a ton and a half of food at this party?!!??

There was so much food it just arrived throughout the day!  I have been avoiding the whole cookies and cream cake which my friend also made me take ~ which my son just enjoyed a piece of and I may reward myself with a piece after I finish writing my blog.  Me- food = reward!

The crowd that was there did not even dent the food that was left over!!  One Galumpki  would have been a meal for me (and Marie "had a hard time making them that small") so I brought a couple home and have got to eat them tomorrow for lunch for sure!  I did try the Perogies and yum!

I really need to get into dough and will be making these and I want to do homemade pasta and ravioli's as well in the future ~ I will definitely have pictures and do a food blog for those!  I was so busy that I forgot to take any pictures of this latest food experience and I could kick myself!

So now I have to focus on the coming week which is pretty empty until Friday.   My friend who has been coming over for coffee is out of town on a job so it is really going to be quiet!  It was strange not to have company and conversation in the morning after I have finished my morning dailys!

My granddaughter is coming over for Friday night!!  I have to focus on how to occupy our time together. My friend thanked me with a bulb to grow for Christmas and I think we can do that together for sure.  I also think as she is a little artist and I also need to paint a watercolor for a gift and she seems to be my little muse ~ we could always fill some time with that as well.  It does require some more thought and not here and now!

So I do have a bit of cleaning and I guess the Halloween decorations also need to come down ~ maybe I will put up the lights as I take down the pumpkins in the dining room and get a jump on the Christmas theme ~ I am a fan of the colored lights and always have them in my living room anyway so ya never know!

I am beginning to babble and Thomas is getting loud with his friends on Vent so I am going to sign off and grab a piece of cake!

 (by the way the picture has nothing to do with anything in the blog ~ just a stand of birches on the mountain from the spring for your viewing pleasure)

Friday, November 15, 2013


I cannot say it enough ~ it has been so much fun helping with my friend's birthday party!  I just returned from the hall where we set up tables and organized everything for tomorrow that we could possibly do to make less work.

I  struggle not to be a burden without transportation and I could see I was going to be a pain in the butt as far as needing a ride ~ but I have hot appetizers to worry about and so I finagled a ride from my son or his Dad ~ won't know til tomorrow but someone from that house is going to come and deliver me and my hot crab Rangoon's!

I have been itching to begin cooking all week ~ knowing the shelf life of the won ton wraps isn't that long I began yesterday with the Crab Dip and that has been blending in my fridge all ready to go ~ just needs to be taken out a little early tomorrow to be stirred and boom ~ good to go.

I made my filling for my three batches of Rangoon's and a batch of dough so it could set for it's thirty minutes before going and doing my bi monthly blood work with my son in the afternoon.  When we returned home from that lovely adventure I chilled with him and watched an episode of Dracula while he waited for his brother to kidnap him for the next few days.

He finally left around 5:30 and I spent the next 2 and a half hours rolling won ton wraps almost thin enough to see the grey of my marble rolling board through them and then cutting each square.  I decided to fill them as I went along so I did not have to handle them twice.

Around 8:00 I took a break and watched "Once Upon A Time in Wonderland" while my marble rolling pin got recharged in the freezer and my filling re-firmed in the fridge.  I started back up a little after 9:00 and by 11:11 I was out of filling ~ which was a good thing because my squares were getting less square and oddly smaller.

I knew it was time to call it quits at that point.  I took a count and had 120 completed crab Rangoon's filled and ready to be cooked.  Being a virgin quantity Rangoon maker I took precautions by placing a slightly moistened paper towel over the top of the tray and covering it with plastic in hopes they didn't dry out.

Short by thirty I knew what I was doing in the morning ~ I began softening another block of cream cheese and made another batch of dough for wraps before heading out to pick up some much needed sugar before the day got too far ahead of me.

It was a beautiful day outside and the walk was nice.  I got a hug from a classmate from elementary school - who was double parked ~ before she had to run off to the rest of her day ~ I had to laugh when I saw her ~ my friend who was keeping me company had just made the comment about me running for mayor ~ after saying hello to the 20th person in 10 minutes which is very funny to my ears.

I began around 3:30 and had the final 30 Rangoon's wrapped in no time.  We were not decorating the hall until 6:00 and my friend checked in a little after 5:00 to make sure she was still picking me up and to alert me she may be a minute later cuz she had to pick up another helper.

I was ready ~ I had already had two of the finest cups of tea and a peanut butter sandwich before she called.  I don't know if the tea was so awesome because I finally earned it or what but it was noteworthy ~ so good indeed that a second was called for.

I was considering writing before I left ~ but I knew that I would not have enough time for all of that.  I have been dying to write for two days and not enough time to do so and then last night no energy after all of that work!

I am considering another Chapter in the Glipho book but I am waiting to see what someone else does with Chapter 11 ~ I don't know where to take Chapter 10 ~ unlike the Chapter I wrote which just wrote itself before I had even decided to participate ~ which was primarily why I wrote it!

I freed up my jitters now that I have a ride ~ I was concerned about the quality of the Rangoon's having them sit around too long before the guests arrive.  I hope I freed up my friends jitters as well by volunteering to do the finger sandwiches for her tomorrow while I am waiting to cook my appetizers.

For a patient person I get very impatient and one thing I have not learned is to control time!  I still have to figure out what I am going to wear to this wonderful event and I forgot to ask the other ladies what they are wearing so I am thinking a skirt and top ~ dressy but not too dressy.  I have a tendency to be either overdressed or under dressed ~ shooting for just right for the party.

I cannot wait to see my friends family!  I know her sisters and her children and some of her sisters children but have not seen anyone in 20 years or so since the kids have grown up.  I am sure I will not recognize any of them and they have kids as well!!  The beauty of getting older!!

I am so looking forward to eating all of this authentic Polish food as well!  This is going to be some feast! One thing I love is food!!!  Note to self ~ pick something to wear that stretches!  I am off so I have a casual morning of non stressful tying up of loose ends.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Great news ~ we get to set up for the party on Friday night!  That is the one thing I was worried about in my timing factor!  I was so stoked when I got the call yesterday afternoon from the birthday girl!  Now I think I can, I think I can just make this work!

I am taking a moment to write this morning ~ although the morning is just about turning into afternoon.  I slept in a bit this morning, but it will be the last time this week I fear with everything I must accomplish over the next few days.  Timing will be everything!

Woke up with a dusting of snow covering the ground.  I am not sure how cold it is yet.  I am snug in my computer room enjoying the warmth and the quiet.  The first bit of snow I have seen thus far although I have heard rumors of snow sighting over the course of the past week or more which I chose to ignore!

I have been having a blast with the Glipho writing challenges and I got my name on the board with the Chapter of the book which I participated in.  I am posted as GClawdia which is who I am for the purposes of the blog and had to give some serious thought to using it or going with my "real name".

I decided that since I write under GClawdia that I may as well keep it going.  After all, that is how you all recognize me and it keeps me incognito (although you all know that I am linked to this Jennifer Gallant person on Google and Facebook)

Since GClawdia has been me since the inception of my use of the Internet back in '99 ~ and it is my journey through GClawdia's eyes and we are together in this ~ a kind of melting together and evolution of self and sharing of growth we are both "all in".  And GClawdia has a "platform" and Jennifer Gallant doesn't I am sticking with it!

Thomas will be bailing on me in a couple of days.  His brother got them each that new gaming system which comes out this week sometime and they have planned and waited for this for some time now.  I am going to be a video game widow (although not really ~ what do you call a Mom who loses her sons to something? ~ I can't think of it but I think you get the idea!)  Good timing however, with the food prep and the party.  I am looking so forward to it!

I have not even given a thought to Thanksgiving yet.  Not unusual for me to be a last minute planner.  I think we will have the usual suspects and the usual holiday fare.  Tom's Dad has threatened to bring a ham for me to cook as he doesn't eat Turkey so we may be having an amazing feast.

Like I said ~ not time to worry about that yet.  I have been doing Thanksgiving for a few years now (cough, cough).  It is funny ~ I have only had a problem with Thanksgiving once and that was when my family came over to my house ~ a couple of uncles and my Grampa  and it was like I had never cooked a holiday meal before!

That was long ago however ~ too many years.  I think my brother has inherited the family for the holidays.  My family for the holidays is always my boys and their Dads.  I do have to check and see if my eldest son is going to Connecticut or staying in the "Pitts"  or if I get to have Turkey day with he and his wife and my granddaughter.

I got lucky at Christmas last year and we all had a wonderful time, so that is one detail I need to check on soon!  I think I may have to get on the phone today and find out ~ put dibs in early if it will make a difference.  I have been missing my granddaughter and thinking about giving her a call but every time I think about it is either too early in the day and she is at school or too late at night and she is sleeping!

The phone is ringing now so I am going to shut this down until another time.  Have a great day!

Sunday, November 10, 2013


Sunday my world that means quality t.v. night with my son.  I am typing and eating at the same time to fit in everything before eight o'clock when our night begins.  Today has turned out better than expected with the Berkshire Museum posting an event earlier today which I had just enough time to shower and walk to.

It was pretty interesting.  Two local published writers shared their experiences and tips on publishing, self-publishing, platforms and the overall procedures for publishing your work.  Shameless self promotion is not a bad thing and in reality you need to have a strong platform before you publish your masterpiece.

I also had the opportunity to check out the new Artists at the Museum, after thinking I was going to walk up last night for the opening and kicking myself for not going once I saw the photos posted online!  We got out 5 minutes before the Museum closed so I ran upstairs and quickly checked them out!

How amazing the works are!  If you are in the area do go and check them out for yourself!  I wish I had more time to get some shots myself and look at them all longer!  I am thinking of getting a pass from the library to go to the Museum and look again this week!

When I began my blog over a year ago, it was a lark.  Something to do because I was bored and needed a new outlet.  When I was younger I did have a small dream of writing a book one day.  A lot of life occurred in the meantime ~ raising my children, adapting and readapting to all of the expected and unexpected changes and challenges which arose along the way.

The book and writing and creativity became a wispy memory and whenever I began my tale it would always start the same and I would get blocked in the same general area.  It just was not time.  I am not sure it is time yet, but I have been writing (almost) everyday.

The most surprising thing to me is that people actually read, comment and encourage me to write.  To me I just have not been able to grasp being a writer.  I am a person who writes.  On the other hand, when someone recently asked me if I might be interested in doing a guest blog I panicked on the inside and was not able to write for a couple of days at all ~ in other words ~ my old friend self doubt checked in and hung around for a bit.

I write about my journey through this world.  I try to keep it fun and light but sometimes "real life" is not fun and light.  I do not sell anything, but apparently the key to writing is platform and followers.  I do have some okay numbers for not even doing the work and trying and I love seeing which new countries are reading.

That gets me thinking about other cultures and the world and how big it is and how much more accessible it is nowadays right from the comforts of your own home!  Since my goal is someday to travel the world (once my major Mom obligations are fulfilled) that excites me.

So learning about this publishing/self publishing from people who have been there is interesting.  Good for future reference as I think I am getting close to starting that "great American Novel".  I cut my teeth the other day with the writing on Glipho in the collaborative.  Sadly, I learned about the November writing challenge of a Novel in a Month too late to jump on that boat ~ I am confident that soon I will be ready to accept such a challenge!

Six more days for the big Birthday Bash I am helping with and I am excited.  I got the timeline down and everything worked out in my head.  (One of the most important steps, I feel.)  I am confident and a bit excited truth be told.

I am excited to be making some food and helping with the setup.  I do hope however that we can set up Friday night instead the day of the event as I am not too sure how I am going to cook the Rangoon's at home if I am setting up at the venue since we cannot cook on the premises and I want my appetizers to be appetizing and as fresh as they can be!

Although this past week has been an adjustment for me after the bad Monday last week I am confident that I have also put that behind me as well.  Other than the fact that I am a woman who walks this road alone and now I have to do it with my faithful companion Fear ~ my son has gone out in the world with me the two times that I have been out in "enemy territory."

My time is nearly up and I have finished my dinner ~ some nice curried pork chops with green beans and baked potatoes ~ wishing I had something sweet to nibble on but knowing that I do not need it after all of the Halloween candy I was forced to consume!

Have a great week and hope to catch up with you all real soon!  

Friday, November 8, 2013


After reading Chapter 6 of the collaborative I hesitated and declined writing.  I watched t.v. for an hour and changed my mind.  I boldly claimed Chapter 7 as my own.

It was pretty easy to keep within the story ~ it wrote itself.  I was scared as I was writing ~ full of self doubt.  Sure I was making a big mistake which would make me a laughing stock.  I added the note at the bottom and hit publish ~ still shaking in my boots and walked away from the computer.

I went back a while later to check out the page views and prepared for the worse ~ not bad ~  a few views and comments from a previous Chapter writer full of encouragement.

A bit later I went back again ~ only to find myself as a "Trending Writer" on Glipho.  I am blown away!  Very encouraging to say the least!  I decided to share my Chapter and encourage you to go to Glipho and read the previous chapters for yourself ~ I will try to put the link in here so you can find it easily ~ who knows ~ you may have the next chapter in you!

Happy reading and possibly writing!

In my haste I of course forgot to add the chapter for you!  Silly me ~ but my son was screaming and the show was starting.  Shout out to Alexander for winning MasterChef Junior ~ got to own that trophy like he wanted!  Congrats!

Sorry for the exclusion and I hope you enjoy it!

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Something weird is going on here today.  I woke early and decided yet again that it was too early and woke for the second time around 10:30 a.m.  Normally I would be chastising myself for sleeping in for how many days over the past few weeks ~ today I shrugged it off and went down to open the blinds and see what kind of day it was.

Not surprising it was rainy and gloomy.  I opened all of the blinds ~ including the living room which is dark and without some sort of light no matter the day.  I  made my tea and booted my computer and took fed dogs and fought dragons.

I checked my stats as always ~ two sites now.  I am trying to convince myself to write a chapter of a collaborative story on Glipho.  Talk about opening oneself up for failure.  I get paralyzed at the thought ~ yet do not give a thought to my blog and while I am writing and now I am suddenly self conscious?

Despite encouragement I have this fear.  Now the novel in a month I am really and truly thinking about.  I am needing to enhance my imagination and although it is a week into it I am considering it even more ~ along with the previous 7 writing challenges.

Must be something in the air, the water?  Not sure which ~ considering I do not drink too much water ~ it must be the air.  Today is prime example.  I walked into the kitchen to make a tea and instead reorganized the cabinet that stores the plastic containers and lids along with a bunch of other random things ~ relocating my never used cookie press thing my Dad gave me.

I went back into the kitchen to make my tea again and while it was heating up I mopped the bathroom floor and continued on with the kitchen while my tea was steeping.  I had to take a break 1/3 of the way through so I drank my tea and wasted some time on the computer.

When all was said and done I had finished the kitchen, the dining room and the computer room before 4:00 without missing a beat on the computer. I am never that ultra motivated.  I am kinda proud of myself.  I then spoiled myself with catching up on American Horror ~ what was on Demand already.

I then made a Shepherds Pie and if you can believe it have already finished my dishes and have basically nothing to do tomorrow when I come downstairs.  I think I made pretty good use of my rainy pajama day!  It will be pretty hard to procrastinate tomorrow with nothing to put off.  Perhaps it will be the self motivation I need in order to begin one of these major challenges ~ I think I will sleep on it ~ who knows maybe the answer will come to me while I sleep.


It has been a couple of days since I have written.  I am alive and well and not doing any destructive behaviour which in my life is always a good sign.  Not that I am naturally prone to destructive behaviour but I do develop somewhat of a "I don't give a fuck" attitude which is the total opposite of the lovely and happy world I like to occupy at all costs.

So I have been focusing on the positive ~ taking the good around me ~ the positive encounters in the world, the sun shining warmly down  upon me without a cold wind passing through me, quality time and laughter with my family ~ hearing my middle son laugh at himself and at me ~ priceless!

I could say it has been a struggle getting past my experience on Monday, but I have truly put it behind me ~ except for the safety factor.  I did have to leave my house today and to my delight I persuaded Thomas to leave the safety of our domain and travel out into the world with me.

Of course I bribed him with a late lunch since I had plans to be away at a class during the time we normally eat so it was a win/win.  We walked from one end of the planet to the other it seemed today.  We earned a nice sit down with a large pepperoni pizza before we headed home.

It had begun sunny and warm and then halfway through our journey the skies filled with dark clouds ~ replacing the welcome blue skies and the wind kicked in which dropped the temperature.  By the time we headed out of the pizza place the sky was even more ominous but there were areas which were brushed with beautiful ripples of pink.  Nice day tomorrow? We shall see!

I was registered for a workshop which I really wished I had attended but all of the walking flared my sciatic nerve and I just could not do it ~ besides my son dropped in for a visit and family time is always welcome ~ laughter is after all the best medicine.

I have been doing writing challenges on another writing site and it has been really fun and distracting to do them.  I have been resisting the urge to write a chapter in a group collaborative.  It is up to chapter 4 so far.  I am working on getting my imagination going ~ something which I feel needs some definite work!

I did however finally set down with my watercolors which have been patiently waiting for me for two days.  I threw my colors down and turned and looked and defined and outlined and I think it is actually something.  I will have to wait for the paint to dry and get my feedback.  See if anyone else sees what I see or if I am missing the picture so to speak.

It is funny ~ when I write or paint I do it on auto pilot and get better results than when I have a rigid plan.  In life however I have a somewhat rigid (loosely) routine and structure that I live by.  Not to say I am not flexible.  I am ready to go, do and participate with very short notice.

Anyway, it is good that I have the party to focus on as well.  Doing the breakdowns and the time table for the prep time ~ what I can do ahead of time and how much ahead of time and also planning on the set up of the hall and the little odds and ends which need to be done.  Which reminds me I need to call the birthday girl as the time gets nearer and see when we are going to do the other food prep together and any other details which may need to be done.

I love working with other organized people!  It is nice to be a part of such an important event!  I think I am as excited as she is about it.  I know she will be getting nervous very soon with less than two weeks for the event.

I have also been burying myself in video games.  Overkill trying to level two dragons up to 30 which takes massive quantities of food which you have to plant and harvest and collect gold to do so.  I acquired a few friends today for another game I play as well so it has been quite a shift in focus with still getting a bunch of stuff done.

The boredom is killing me though.  Like I do not have anything to do ~ NOT.  Lacking the drive and desire to do the things I have to do ~ IN BUCKETS!  I am not looking forward to this winter but for now I am thankful for the warm weather which came back for me to enjoy ~ not Indian Summer but not too cold (until after dark.)

That is my update.  I know I have not been doing my daily quota but sometimes I just don't have either time or words.  Hope you have a good one and thanks as always for reading.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Writing Challenge # 2

I thought I would share the writing challenge of the week with you.  It is fun finding these challenges and thinking of what to write.  That seems to be the challenge :) .  Thought I would share here as I share here there if that makes any sense.

Besides after the earlier venting reality mind f*^%$ (and I apologize for the swearing) I needed to cleanse my brain and change my focus.  Hope you enjoy the 150 word blip.

How Could I Forget?

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How could I forget how quickly it turns cold here in the Berkshires?  It seems like only yesterday I was enjoying the warm sunshine of Indian Summer.  Enjoying not only the sun but the warmth along with it .
What I would not give for the warm sun once again instead of being tricked into thinking it was warm ~ only to wish I had my hat and gloves and another layer of clothing on ~ the wind biting at my face and tearing through my layers of clothes.
If only I had been born somewhere where the weather suits my clothes!  (To rob some song by someone I can't remember at the moment!)  Somewhere the sun shines and means it with just a bit of rain to make the flowers grow!  I will forgo the rainbows and unicorns in place of the warm, warm sun.  That would be so ideal!

by GClawdia (note to self - check clock on glipho site)


If this day did not happen to me personally I never would have thought it possible to experience and witness such a bizarre occurrence as anything but something out of fiction.  My counselor thought I was making it up!

I began my day early today to head over to a violation of a restraining order from 15 months ago which has been rescheduled once and on for today with my EX.  Court brings out anxiety in me ~ but I had it under control remembering all of the tools I have been gathering specifically for this day to keep calm and be a witness.

Of course we got bumped for a different trial and reschedule to March which left me with no restraining order as it was getting handled today for some reason instead of being extended the last time I was in court ~ the District Attorney Jane  sent me downstairs to go in front of a different judge to take care of that.

I went downstairs and waited in the hallway outside the courtroom as my beloved EX was sitting in the courtroom with his "witness".  Witness to what I don't know because he was not in court the day that my EX violated the restraining order in court the day I was getting a permanent restraining order as opposed to the emergency temporary restraining order ~ many people were in that hallway when he called me a "Fucking Bitch" and many people saw him standing in the doorway trying to intimidate me ~ as a matter of fact I reported it to the court officer who dismissed it and a District Attorney as well who had him move away from the door.  I would say that would be intimidation but who am I according to our court a man can stand in a doorway against another person he has victimized ~ no problem.

So, we get up in front of a new judge for the restraining order who revoked the right to a jury trial and forced the criminal charges after he cleared out his court docket.  Lovely, my representation is upstairs in court ~ no one is around from the District Attorney's office except an Aide who was telling the judge he violated by walking by my house????!!!?????

So long story short, his lawyer gets to represent him, some clueless woman who did not even talk to me once ~ instead chose to gossip with another court worker about a previous case trying to guess how young the lady is that is trying to get a restraining order against her elderly boyfriend ~ way more important than actually doing your job I suppose.

Needless to say when the case was called, Mr. Todd got up there with his lawyer and said he never said or did anything.  His lawyer said that I did not need a restraining order because "She stands in front of his house" which must be what Mr. Bullet was doing there ~ if you consider waiting for a car to pass before I could cross the street at the top of my street and the bottom of his street standing in front of someones house I guess I am guilty.

Of course I do not stand in front of the morons house.  I try to make it by without even seeing or being seen by him but of course living within two blocks of each other and living in a small city you are going to see each other.  Of course they pointed out what a fine and upstanding citizen Mr. Todd is not having been in trouble since 1994 which is the year I took my children and my restraining order to West Stockbridge unbeknownst to him.

I have also been very successful in avoiding him when I had the misfortune of having to come to town before I was forced by circumstances to return to.

Staying out of trouble and not even mentioning and since I had no representation no one brought up the destruction he caused when he left my house breaking the freezer door, coming with the police to get his stuff on the back porch when he forgot his medicine and accusing me of breaking things ~ the gun and bullets -not b.b.'s like he led Officer Steinman to believe, pretending to throw my key in my room so I had to get the police to retrieve it only to have him tell them that he didn't have it ~ but when he got his mountain bike he put my key in the mailbox.

Ordered to have a payment for damages and replacement locks in my mailbox by X date per Court Order and wasting my time and the courts by going to the court with $36 in bank rolled coins which he told the Judge he rolled himself...not having to send it ~ me having to carry it 6 blocks home with my bad neck and back.

Dumping property on my property which was not all my property and what of mine was returned was broken and damaged.  The assault two years before when my son and I both had to go the emergency room when he had a pill/alcohol fueled rampage and the door hit him on the ass when he left and he dropped the a/c and came charging back through the door like a bull and assaulted me and my son defended me and got the tip of his finger bit off.

The threats, the harassing phone calls being almost run down on Lake Street by him on his motorcycle the day before he got served although the restraining order should have been delivered by then.  Coming over to my son's Aunt's porch and telling me to get out of "His City" and off "His Street" cops called reports made but he is a fine upstanding citizen who lives off women and uses most people whom he knows on a daily basis unless "the grass is greener on the other side".  All because I refused to get back together with him or talk to him (which would have led to us getting back together).

Of course, Mr. Todd's attorney is an expert in fear I am sure.  I bet he went to college 55 years ago and learned his psychology.  I am sure that in the 50 years he has been out of college he took classes and became an expert on fear.  Of that I have no doubt~ only the best attorneys in our fine city!

If you have been a victim of domestic violence or abuse you do not have the same precursors to fear, love, happiness any human emotions as far as I am concerned and which I know from experience.  Which obviously we know that I do not have normal reactions to anything and you will never know if I am afraid ~ only I know that and the people that I express it to.

I am resigned to continue to not have faith in the Justice System more and more each and every time I have the wonderful opportunity to see it in action.  I am sure I am forgetting something but the one thing I am not forgetting is what a fucking joke this cities justice system is!

I would cry if I wasn't laughing.  I hope that I will continue to laugh, smile, and breath now that Tommy Todd has his way and "WON" so to speak ~ he does have 90 days hanging over his head ~ but how willing would I be to go through this farce again?  NOT WILLING AT ALL!!!

So Ms. Pittsfield District Attorney Lady whose name I do not even know ~ no interview, no nothing, just wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow for Mr. Todd.  I saw her this afternoon when I was on my way to my counseling appointment and chewed her ear this afternoon.  She apologized and said the case got snatched away.  How lucky for me!  They had his fate decided long ago.  It really sickens me to see how the Good Ol' Boys Club works first hand!

Maybe I should have learned to play the game and lie and cry?  All I know is I would love to get so drunk right now and I do not even drink.  Instead, I will sip on this nice hot tea and rejoice that I do not have to go to court again.  (Silver lining)!

Thankfully, I do have a wonderful support system ~ just no one I would allow to be supportive of me in court ~ I appreciate all the strength I have received from their support.  I think I would have been successful as I was well prepared for the expected part of the day ~ just not the turn of events as they happened.

I will continue to blog and live my life ~ put this behind me and never forget that Karma is a bitch and judgement will come to the evil doer one day.  I am patient and I do hope I am around to hear it's testimony.  I will look for the good and avoid the bad people, places and things and continue to learn how to recognize what that means in my Grey life.

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Time is moving quickly ~ too quickly for me today.  I have done quite well all weekend blocking out the inevitable doom and gloom of Monday.  The great ArtWalk on Friday evening followed by a nice "after" ArtWalk party at the Whitney really went far to make that happen.

I think there were more people at the "Whit" then I saw altogether on North Street in the various galleries.  I started an hour late and still made it through to see every place I would normally go and fit in a new stop as well as "Relish" has begun showing as well.

The fun of living in "Cultural Pittsfield" is that ArtWalk occurs all year long ~ every first Friday.  I like it.  The artists switch up and have a lot of new art to show regularly, and there is usually one or two newcomers with some interesting art to look at as well.

The combination of wine and chocolate must be a great sleeping aide for me as well.  I have eaten my fair share of chocolate this week (and drank more wine than normal 2 glasses) could be worse ~ could have been bottles.  I slept in Saturday not getting up until almost noon ~ the new record I think!

Although it is only Sunday I cannot really recall doing much of anything at all on Saturday.  I thought about a couple of things and decided to take the day and chill.  I am focusing on preparation for tomorrow.  I still need to figure out what I am going to wear.  It will be cool so it will be pants for sure but that is as far as I have gotten.

The stress started to creep in earlier today.  Not in the normal way though.  It is because of a separate trouble (only trouble in my mind) nothing serious.  It has more to do with perspective and people and the universe bringing to my attention some other relationship which is similar only by its toxicity.

I was lamenting the "I don't understand why the universe would bring this to light the day before I have this big worry ahead of me on Monday."  An acquaintance pointed it out to me after I shared a brief history, making a good point by noticing the two individuals in question were similar only different in sex and age and social class.

Now, instead of worrying about either one situation specifically I now have a group classification.  Hmm, is the universe trying to point out something larger to me?  I am beginning to see a bigger picture here which if I can get this may just help me in my future tweaks and adjustments in my personal relationships.

I kind of  feel like how I think my un~socialized Akita/Chow felt.  Confused.  Thankfully it is not my behaviour which is in question ~ only my choices.  I am not the dog biting the hand I am the hand waiting for the bite and ouch I know it is going to hurt!

Knowing that I have once made a decision and it is in my best interest to stick with the very well planned and for the betterment of my health and quality of life and choosing to walk away from the fire instead of jumping into it to be standing next to the fire yet again knowing I should not be there I am choosing to step back and away and not walk that path towards the fire again.

Getting burned over and over by the same fire is not learning the lesson ~ as my friend Laura pointed out ~ the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  Knowing that I choose the road less traveled in my case and I am walking away.  I fold.

Excuses are just words which people tell themselves to justify their behaviour.  If the excuse wasn't thrown in then it would have made the reality of the situation a bit more hazy to see but the excuse was the tell ~ it wasn't me ~ I took pills -that must be why I did that irrational behaviour ~ or I was crabby, sick or drunk take your pick.  I get it.  I appreciate the universe pointing this out to me ~ my friend for bringing the connection to light ~ myself for accepting and choosing the light and not the heat of the fire.  Now if I can only get through tomorrow without reacting to bullshit.

I got to practice today so with any luck and great determination on my part I will in the words of the Kinks "Stay in Control".

Sunday evening ~ packed with too many sitcom and drama choices to see them all ~ get me through the night with my boy Thomas to keep me company.  One more day and I will be finished with 28 years of extended bullshit!

A new chapter?  Many new chapters written and yet to be written!  I am so looking forward to putting this behind me and moving forward and never looking back!  If I had a glass I would have you all raise it now!  Keep me in your thoughts and send mucho grande positive vibes my way Monday between 9 and noon!

Aiming for the light!  Keeping it real and always trying to find the silver lining!  I know I can ~ I know I can!  I will let you know how I do in the 'morrow!  Have a great night everyone!

Friday, November 1, 2013


Today I was on my Glipho site ~ another site I publish my blog on.  They have writing challenges.  Today's challenge was 150 words on any topic beginning with "I don't understand why...".  I for one have never participated in a challenge before.

I opened the page to begin the topic and drew a complete blank.  All afternoon as I was going about my business I was brainstorming and thinking about a topic.  Usually I would have no trouble in thinking of 5 things at least ~ but under the gun I had none.

I returned home and tried again.  No luck until the phone rang and it sparked my topic.  I also found it someone frustrating to keep within 150 words having 151 and then cutting it down to 140.  The final sentence took the longest!

It got 30 views off the top within a short while of publication so that cannot be too bad.  I am including it as part of my blog as it is my writing for the day.

I don't understand why I have an answering machine in my home.  More to the point ~ I don't understand why if you are calling and you receive an answering machine why you don't bother to leave a message.

Soon I will just do away with the home phone altogether as it is seen as rude and immature to try to guilt callers into leaving a message at the beep believe me I have tried!  I am almost at the point of either being downright rude about leaving a message at the beep but not quite!

I don't know how you feel about it but I for one feel that if your employer is paying you to make calls ~ maybe you would get a better response if you leave one at the beep.  Does anyone else understand why oh why they cannot reply?

Hope you have an awesome Friday!  I am beat after all the wonderful art during this Friday ArtWalk!  More to come tomorrow on that subject.  Have a good one ~ off to cook some morsels to snack on.