Friday, December 8, 2017

WHO HAS YOUR BACK?

As I try to get my head back in the right place prior to surgery, which was flipped into a no go zone thanks to the ongoing drama which my primary physician brings into my life, the drama continues.  But it is not mine. I refuse to own or accept the bullshit coming out of her office towards and I hate to even say it out loud - against me.

Pre surgical exam was awesome! (SARCASM INTENDED Waiting the half hour early they asked me to come in with a full bladder as well, that was not the torture the were hoping for, since I can't tell when my bladder is full so after waiting 30 minutes when the nurse walked out to ask how I was doing and if I needed to use the bathroom, I was like, no, I am good right now, which I had no idea either way!

After the ekg and the doctor checking my lungs and nodes under my arms, and a weight and bp/pulse and being told I was having C 5 removed.  By the time I got into the bathroom it was 3:00 and I filled the cup to the brim practically.  Before I left I asked if I needed blood work for the surgery and was told "Baystate didn't say that you did."  I left and went on my way.  I did however phone the surgeons office when I arrived home to confirm which disc was being removed as the information from my primary was not what my surgeon had told me.

I just got off the phone with Baystate, and thank goodness I had called to question the surgery.  Of course my surgeon was correct.  C3 is being removed.  I also do need blood work and I asked about the urine sample they needed.  They didn't need a urine sample and Baystate told me I should have questioned that.

I thanked Jenelle and called my primary doctors office to find out if I have to get blood work done at their office or at a lab.  That required two calls since Chris was away from the phone and leaving messages there does no good.  I hung up and called the receptionist and Karen told me I could go anywhere to get the blood work done. 

I then asked about the urine sample request and was told it was to rule out INFECTION, without hesitation.  I asked if she was making that up or if it was true and she said, no I just asked (telepathically), I said, so do I have an infection?  She said NO, they would have phoned you if you did. 

At this point I just thanked dear Karen and hung up.  Now I have to go get blood work done.  Imagine if I didn't call and went for my surgery only to be turned away because of no labs???

So, my head must be in a good place.  I am not losing my shit over this.  I am just calmly changing my plans of resting and heating pad and non drug pain management ways and taking a walk to get this done.  I must say, I am feeling pretty proud of myself (although I am documenting this here, there and everywhere!)


Thursday, December 7, 2017

FOCUS

We are products of our experiences.  How true is that?  I would say that most people would agree with that statement.  Sadly, as the anger of yesterday has sat in my brain all afternoon, evening and now that I have awakened to a new day full of hope and possibility with a feeling a little less than doom, not in the dread category.

The negative voice track of my childhood and teenage years has been playing low in the background.  It has planted its tune once more - you don't matter, you are stupid, weak, bad , girl,  go away, no one loves you, you don't matter, you are useless, go stand in a corner and cry.

I think back to a week ago, a day ago, when I had hope and was excited and not worried or nervous - just excited, happy and thankful.  Eager to be totally prepared and in a groove of moving forward in having everything in house for my recovery from food to Christmas shopping - the whole nine yards.  Cuz you never know how you are going to feel after getting a disc removed from your spine.

I don't know much but I do know that surgery takes away one set of symptoms and side effects but gives you new things to deal with, some things get better and some things do get worse.  That is life.  Trading off one set of experiences for a whole other series of experiences, ya gotta hope that the trade off is worth it.

In my case being able to walk and move normally is what I hope to achieve.  I am a walker, have been for 9 years now, which was at the time to lessen my carbon footprint,  not exactly my wisest choice considering the challenges that I face even though things are near enough to walk to, especially when walking becomes the problem.

So, now I have to push these horrible, and I do mean horrible feelings aside.  They may seem exaggerated to most people.  I will tell you, I was writing this and had just finished the third paragraph when my shrink returned my call.  I know when I am going off the rails, it doesn't happen often, but when I woke up I knew shit wasn't on the norm, so I made that phone call knowing that I was nearing the land of making irrational bad choices - the one before the phone call happened was "fuck it - just cancel the surgery and curl up and die somewhere." real thought, no shit.  No one self destructs quite like me.  I have experience.  Not recent experience because I have been on a focused and positive course.  Blowing up your own life sucks in the aftermath.

When the phone rang, I answered and said hello calmly enough.  Next thing I knew, I was unable to speak a word.  My whole self was white noise, like static on the television. I tried to speak and nothing came out which made sense and I knew it even before my doc pointed that out.  I acknowledged that I knew he couldn't understand by what I said what happened. 

The emotions came out before the problem in a stream of curses and tears and swears and tears.  The rage and pain from an entire lifetime stuck on the negligence and lack of what I perceive as continued lack of professionalism coated in judgment and meanness and a lack of compassion  - that was the white noise.

Another in a long series of people who do not see or care about what I need to be whole ( especially when they are paid to do so) and more deeply, when they are not. The whole invisibility factor in play. In other words, the trauma of my past came back and bit me hard in the ass.

The question then becomes how to not let the white noise cloud the whole picture?  How to clear the picture and make the static go away?  Time dwindles.  I now have 5 days to get my brain in a choose life state of being.  I don't want to end up on the wrong side of that white light if the choice comes while I am in the ether.

I do miss those natural defense mechanisms which neatly took shit like this and walled it up.  I must be stronger since it doesn't occur naturally and I really have to use serious distraction techniques to get this one out of the front and center.

Fortunately before yesterday afternoon I was in a groove of forward motion.  Nothing has changed.  I have had a minor meltdown, used my words, shed my deep seated tears.  The one consolation is that it is Christmastime and grandchildren,  so I have an excuse for the retail therapy which will be a huge tool in aiding my re traumatized brain.

Onward and Upward
Peace and Positivity

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

VU JA DE

I am angry.  Surprise, surprise as my mother has been know to say.  I don't want to be angry as I have surgery in six days and I want to be as right as rain going into this.  Vu ja de X 2 as I head number 1) back to the first surgery spot to get that silly little disc that is poking into my spine removed, 2) the horrible lack of treatment by my primary doctor following the second chance and getting the same results totally down to being told nothing is wrong the first time to being flat out ignored the second time - both times having to go directly to the Surgeon to find out that of course something is wrong.  He knows better than I do that when I feel that something is physically wrong - I am usually correct. 

I guess my main malfunction today is the fact that I don't resemble a person who has a mangled spine.  My mobility is usually good, my flexibility, strength, etc.  oh, and I don't wince or grimace or show my pain because why the fuck should I?  Should I walk around mean and grouchy and complaining?  Should I let the pain I feel on the inside  overtake the beauty of a smile that will make you and me feel better or should I scowl and cry and scream?  Should I distract myself and dress myself nice so I look better than I feel or should I just let it all go?  Should I be a reflection of what I want to be or how I feel inside?

I don't take drugs as a choice in treating my pain.  I explained it to my doctor a couple of weeks ago AGAIN, by explaining I used to take a ton of prescribed medicine and I almost died withdrawing from them and do not ever wish to experience that again - that got me labeled as a DRUG ADDICT, PER HER NOTES! 


Funny how her notes didn't say she thought it was unethical to prescribe pain medication and against her MORALS.  Imagine, a doctor saying it is against her ethics or morals to prescribe pain medication to a patient regardless?  It is as laughable as her saying I am fine because she doesn't feel any heat or cold through her hands - do I say to her face that she needs to get her batteries checked, especially when a REAL doctor then determined I needed surgery X 2??!!??


I guess that is why once upon a time after my very first surgery, I had fallen on the ice and was worried that I had damaged my neck again.  I went to the Emergency room, not for drugs, I had plenty of those.  I told the doctor that when he wanted me to sign a form and call a ride.  Boy, they never understand when you don't want drugs and are not there for drugs.  I told him I just wanted to make sure I didn't injure my neck due to the fall.  Fortunately all was cool with my neck confirmed by an X Ray.

Unbeknownst to me, while he had me waiting in a room, he phoned my doctor at the Pain Clinic where I was treating who told him" If Jennifer Gallant is at the emergency room it is to find out if she is okay and it is not for DRUGS."  She told me all about it when I had my next appointment about a week later.

Why am I angry?  Why do I not like or trust doctors?  Why sometimes do I wish I had died when I was  born two and a half months early?  SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!

Okay.  Pre op screening is over.  Surgery in six days.  No worries.  I have got this....no worries.  Mask on, emotions gone.  All good...no worries.  Resume activity. The show is over and there is nothing to see here, especially if you (evil doctor) don't listen to what I am saying when I finally break down and share my pain, which isn't too often.  It took me a year of feeling like I feel now to even acknowledge that I was having a problem, and only after it got exceedingly worse over the course of the past 5 months of which it took 2 months for me to even get acknowledgement of it. 

And yeah, I haven't seen this professional for a reason in three years, aside from the fact that I am a relatively healthy and active person is because I lost faith in her after her behavior a few years ago by dismissing my pain, my words and not believing anything but her broken hands - did I mention she is an osteopath?  I don't feel she is a professional and this experience has doubly confirmed this.  See, I don't trust in what I know until I REALLY know.  It is difficult for me to believe that there are people like this out there even when I get the deluxe treatment!!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

MY CURRENT ZONE

I have had to greatly change the way that I do things over the past six weeks.  One big change I have made is not leaving my house even more than I would like.  Until I get a diagnosis on what is going on with this walking thing ( deja vu from a couple of years ago which led to surgery 100%) and trying not to aggravate the situation any more than I have to.  I have basically cut out everything except the shrink and the chiropractor.

I have been hating it and exploring things which can make my life, and my inability to walk the seven blocks to the supermarket and back 3x a week to pick up groceries.  I have been mail order shopping.  It started with just the 'heavy" items and kind of morphed as you have to fill the box - who wants to ship a partially full box? 

This has led to me getting back into the groove of being right where I like to be - stocked up.  What a delight it is to have more than one extra roll of toilet paper, soap and paper towels?  What started out as saving my back and body, has turned into a bit more than that? 

My UPS driver hates me I am sure, especially when Tom's favorite iced tea is by far less than what I could pay anywhere locally. which leads me to order three or four 30 quart dry mix (not realizing that I already had two on the shelf!)  Better his back than mine!!!

I just today, taking the shopping thing on a whole new level for me, by ordering a meat delivery. I  received my order short.  A call to the company corrected that and I get to wait for another package - the fun of it all!  A downfall, to say the least.

Shopping is fun for necessities and what is more of a necessity than shoes and boots?  I must have gotten lucky last year with the boots and shoes.  This last time, not so lucky.  The boots were too small, cute, but small and the sneakers are not at all what I can wear comfortably either.  Two choices to remedy this situation - return to store; or return in the mail.  Of course they get you for shipping charges through the mail and none at the store - opting for store myself.

I did score on the three cute tops that I got to go along with the shoes.  They were bargains and I am pleased!  No returns there!  It is fun to buy consignment, but there is nothing nicer than a brand new shirt with the tags on and more in style!

I know shopping local is important.  I normally do, which is tricky where I live.  Our downtown has some good stores to window shop or to buy a nice gift for someone, but the options are not what they once were, that is for sure!  I do what I can for the local merchants but there really isn't too much for the bulk of the community without costing $$$.

I do have to beg a ride to get a Turkey at one of the supermarkets.  There is no messing with Turkey day.  I am not about spending a ton of money for turkey - the cheaper the better - the larger the bird or birds.  We love a nice oven roasted turkey and all the trimmings and then the turkey soup which is a meal all in it's own.  'Tis the season after all!

Before all that I am looking forward to the 'dreaded' MRI which is not dreaded at all.  Two more days and probably a day or two to read and I will have something to go on, and at the very least peace of mind that this is how it is and that will be just one more adjustment.

I am on a mission, as I have been since those cursed accidents to adjust, adapt and go forward.  I really have been isolating for selfish reasons over the past two years but doing the basics of living, it figures that when I decide that I have had enough of it that my body would decide to protest and break down. 

Not that it was sudden.  I had been noticing and ignoring, as I have done before and will do for always I am sure.  Waiting until I can't take one more step or one more day of repeated pain accelerating  and worming its way into my waking moments and disrupting all pretense of sleep until it radiated into my spirit and made it impossible to ignore.  By then it was too late for me to pretend that everything was fine.

In April, walking in D.C. and pretending it was nothing when I had to sit down more frequently and for longer periods of time - kidding myself that it was normal.  Faking it through to September when I went to NYC pushing myself each step to get where I needed to go praying for a place to sit for just one second  and finding a cute little park - just one second...20 minutes later able to make my way on my way.  That is not the life for me, and it is NOT my life!  I do refuse to accept THAT reality!

Sometimes life is about making adjustments that suit you in the moment.  Take the steps to make life easier, these days, we do have options, and don't ignore the important things for too long -  if you don't get what you need locally, sometimes you have to step outside your ZONE to get the help you need.

Speaking of zones...still waiting for my primary to call me regarding a referral for the MRI I am getting on Thursday.  I am very thankful that a doctor outside my ZONE picked up where my primary can't seem to do the job!  I wonder if she will ever bother to call me back???  Two weeks and counting!!! Lord have mercy that inept and unprofessional will fall out of fashion soon!

SIDE NOTE:  I am kicking myself for listening to reviews regarding THE DARK TOWER movie by Stephen King.  I happened to watch it on demand the other night and it was excellent!!!  I just wish that I had seen it in the theatre as I had wanted to instead of being talked out of it by my son who shall be nameless.  I WILL be seeing the next part in the movie theatre!! 


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

dis CONTENTMENT

Last evening I wrote a piece called "Happiness Is..."  It was an attempt to fill a page in a quick minute to keep the momentum up and also some thoughts touching on some good feelings; some of the best.  It also served as a reminder to myself to be kinder to myself, something which I have been slacking in over the recent past.

I had been beating myself up for seemingly having lost my spontaneous creativity.  It began when I took a trip with my son to Washington D.C. to go to the March to support the Scientists and to get my housebound son out of his natural comfort zone to expose him to more of what he should be focusing on in my mind - living.

We had a great time despite the weather being a bit less nice than I thought it would be.  My son saved the day with an extra sweater which was most welcome at the time.  Washington D.C. is somewhere that I am semi familiar with from a couple of trips with my Grandparents and a trip with my eldest son and my Dad 20 years ago.

While much has stayed the same, much has changed.  Me getting lost leaving every time we left D.C. and headed back to our hotel in Virginia, in the same place mind you, got to be a laughing matter to me, not so much for my son :) 

Much of our time was spent walking and visiting the Smithsonian Museums.  My Grandmother was a teacher and one thing that was important was History.  I will never forget those days walking around and seeing great wonders of our land packed inside these huge rooms.  It was amazing.

The Museums have changed and much of the wonders I remember were unseen and unshown to my son.  We saw plenty.  More than the human brain can process properly in the days we were there, but which will stay with us forever.

I am living in my hometown where we have a lovely Museum.  This too is now going to change and not in a little enhancing way.  The proposed changes alter everything about our Museum including selling 40 of the best pieces of Art which were left to the Citizens of the City.  If you hit the link you will learn a great deal about our wonderful artifacts which shaped a great deal of people's lives.

While the changes, according to the Museum will enhance our community, it is unclear why the project has to be funded by selling our prized possessions.  This takes all the love and joy I feel for the Berkshire Museum, which I used to go to, and have enjoyed many good times over the past few years despite the changes which have already occurred.

It is a sad, sad day and it breaks into my sense of Contentment.  I walk by every Monday and enjoy the architecture of the building, the reliefs set into the top border, the top of the sun window that is above the Crane room which was in my childhood filled with these beautiful paintings which will never adorn the walls again.

We lived in an area where our ancestors knew the value of such jewels.  They could have kept these beautiful pieces of art in their own Mansions to enjoy, but that was not how they thought.  They wanted others to experience the beauty for themselves as well.

My last word on this sad subject is this.  It is easy in this day and age to take the lazy way out.  Just because you are able to do something, despite it being morally wrong doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do.  The rich people who would have cared about this art being sold are long gone, with a few remaining here and there who might not share the passion of their ancestors as strongly - now these prized and cherished pieces will be in the lavish homes of wealthy art appreciators (if they are so lucky) instead of at home in the Berkshire Museum where they belong.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

HAPPINESS IS...

Happiness is highly connected to your level of contentment.  Being content and happy makes it easier to accept and handle whatever comes your way with grace and ease.

Start simple.  Be kind to yourself and others.  Notice beauty in each and every situation and surroundings. Do something nice for yourself at least once a month, be it a bunch of flowers or a treat that you can budget in without too much issue.

Appreciate what you have.  Dream about what you want.  Take steps to achieve what you dream.

Don't let the world get you down.  Shut off the television, the news and the negative impact it may or may not have in the future.  Trust that those who are in charge of those in charge are doing their jobs.

Have faith and know that tomorrow is another day and regardless of how you did yesterday you still have another chance to make it better tomorrow.

Smile.  It takes less energy and you look much better without a frown.

Laugh as much as you can - especially at yourself.  Laughter releases Happiness.

Relax. 

Monday, November 6, 2017

CLIMBING BACK IN THE SADDLE

Another Monday.  I am sitting waiting for my heating pad to heat up in the microwave.  It is one of the few things, aside from some non narcotic self medicating which works. I still don't know exactly what is wrong.  The only thing I get from my primary is 'everything is connected' - which she hates when I mirror that back to her.

She hasn't ordered a test for what ails me, but I am happy to report that I don't have breast cancer, and the colon cancer test I passed up four times over two visits has been scheduled, or should I say attempted to be unscheduled.

Fuck - diagnose what I came to you for - not some other issue that I don't really want to address on any level thank you very much!

Deja Vu - repeat of 2014 - reached out to my neurosurgeon, just under the three year cut off of not being a patient anymore, by a month and a couple of days- by the hair of my chinny chin chin to rob a saying.  Peace of mind at the ordering of an MRI to be diagnosed. 

Why do I have to reach out to one of the few doctors on the planet that I know, despite being further away, to find some doctoring and some compassion?   I need the compassion less, but it is a vicious cycle.  Take it back to 1999/2000 for that matter when I arrived in the place which I am once again when my problem was new and I was being told I didn't have a problem, or nerve damage for that matter.

I seriously do not know where I would be today if not for that medical intervention.  I find it kind of sickening to be sure.  I miss the days when doctors doctored and you didn't have to beg for help with words and tears to get help.

I don't know what I will do when he retires.  I think I will be screwed.  I don't see health care being any more patient friendly as time goes on with the way this administration is taking things.  The scale is tipped for poor people like myself.

I have been working very hard and am succeeding somewhat in my credit restoration project.  It is the one of the only silver lining in the previous three years of anger and isolation.  I am getting too comfortable with it in a way but everything is going to plan.

It's all about the balance - keeping the balances in good balance. My trick is to pay 2 or three times the minimum amount due back.  My new goal is to get lower interest credit cards to replace these initial credit cards, get the balances down and get a pre approval amount for a car and stop all this walking.  Winter is coming...it always seems to do that, come back, that is.

I am trying to not make any mistakes, my fault or just by bad timing, like when I refinanced my home and the 2008 crash happened.  If I had not done that I would still be in my wonderful little world all nice and cozy sitting by the fire as the river trickles by and the baby deer come down to the river in the morning for water....a vague memory in the land of Jen, not forgotten, never.

I have read more than one reference to the auto loan industry being the next housing market crash, so needless to say, I am a bit hesitant.  If anyone can pick the wrong time to do something, it would be this girl and I don't know if I could pull this recovery thing out of a hat again like I did this past time, nor would I want to.

I am also happy to see that my brain and my fingers are working together again.  I thank you for your continued reading and slightly feel the need to apologize for the past two blog posts that were warm ups.  I do my writing like I do my art and that is with no idea what is going to fill the page.  It is all random. 

I have been busy with 'research' which in the beginning was power watching enormous amounts of series of all sorts in the name of 'getting ideas' or examining other styles.  Then of course is my latest obsession which has been keeping up with the campaign against America.  I have a zillion thoughts on that, but I don't want to freak anyone out, nor do I want to drive anyone away.

That said, I am glad to be back in form.  With any luck and perseverance I will get back in the swing of things and writing interesting content for you to read on a regular basis.  Thanks again to all of my faithful followers and welcome to any new folks who take the time to read the rantings.

Time to micro the heating pad and see what has been going on in the world until T is ready to hang out -

peace 

Monday, October 30, 2017

MONDAY

Monday - one of my favorite days Usually!  Note the capital 'U'.  I have lived through the day without telling anyone off or killing anyone and only have a slight sliver of a desire not to be on this planet AT ALL regardless of anyone or anything.

It hasn't helped my attitude any - pain, lack of good sleep, top it off with a dose of outside bullshit and I am over the top ready to take flight.  Fleeing is not a new thought.  It has been one of my constant companions since I was pre teen.  I am well beyond those years.

Before the days when I was old enough to flee, I fled into books, words, stories.  Reading, writing, listening and learning.  Escape was just a page away. I have many pages under my belt and no doubt a zillion more words to read.

I made a choice to stop writing a couple of years ago when things went sideways in my life, two unrelated, yet related events.  Since, at times I do care about how others would perceive me, through my words and with my pain, disappointment and anger, I decided to focus on healing myself a different way and mourn the loss of such a fun and Great time I had been having by catching up on the things I had been neglecting in my all consuming life at that time.

It was slow going.  That was fine.  I was not on a deadline.  One more episode (two really) to process.  I embraced what was in front of me.  My home, my responsibilities and those things I had put off - like those stupid closets which are still only half done and god only knows where the Halloween decorations and those missing Christmas decorations are.

I became, once again, what I am.  An eccentric loner. In the past it didn't bother me too much.  I seemed pretty good most of the time, happy, smiling, loving life in the moment, and there have been an extraordinary amount of moments to love, even in my single solitary solitude.Maybe I was just lying to myself, I don't know. 

I know for a fact that I do not want to not be living on the planet.  I have so many things that I dream of doing, seeing and being - even if the time is not now. I am certain that I will figure it out - find my lost soul and some peace of mind once again.  For today I am just going to blame it on Monday!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Untitled

Division and Hate

Division and hate, isn't it great?  Every day seems to lead us further away from what we all claim to want, world peace, unity, the end of poverty.  We claim to be good people, christians, neighbors, but behind closed doors and now, more and more in the open - the masks come off.

I have only lived a half of a century.  That is not long.  Over the course of my lifetime great people have taken huge risks and some have lost their lives fighting for things which I take for granted, but for things which I do not want to lose.

I admit, I am ignorant about so much that is happening in the world and why people fight to kill other people in far off places.  My focus has been on my own battles and wars to maintain my own survival in the war of poverty and survival.  I had not real time or energy to focus on those things more than a headline in a paper as I made my way trying to make a wage to feed my family and keep a roof over my head.

I always had faith in our Government and elected officials to maintain and do what is right for "We the People".  Somewhere along the line something went askew it seems.  Add to the mix the reality of the day which is lying equals truth, real is fake and racists feeling free to walk the streets without their hoods and then thousands of people coming together to say that is not okay - not fake, so real and so necessary and uplifting.

But still the division lies.  There is no power in numbers unless those numbers are $$$$!  Corporations and Greed still are king and now it appears the division will  be increasing.  I sit in front of the television as if a great tragedy has occurred.  Bigger than 911.  I know that this is not good.  The daily drama sucks the life out of each and everyone of us as we watch this very badly orchestrated show unfold.  I wonder how this story will unfold.

I see friendships deteriorate.  People are free to be who they are, it is our right.  Is it right?  Nothing ever changes despite the fight.  This too shall pass - a new day will dawn and we will move on.  After a while this will become normal and acceptable - or it won't.  I am hoping for the best.  Moving forward with the least amount of damage not just in the United States, but in the whole world.

I am a dreamer though.  Most of the people around me and around the world want the same thing and I haven't given up hoping for  Unity and Peace!

Keep the Faith


Sunday, May 7, 2017



Pieces breaking off, broken, feelings stop. That organ that equates to love and life itself - is so weak, it's beat so faint, struggling to remain working, though it is far from whole.  One day you wake up and you are gone and you don't even care.    The bliss of no feelings!  No happy thoughts here.

Anger - my existence.  Showing itself now and again, some times controllable, and other times violent and all consuming Rage - stuffed down so deep that I don't even know it is there, but like all close friends, it lurks in the darkness, waiting, ready to come out and play when the need arises and even, at times when it doesn't.

The days before Anger was my one and true friend and constant companion,.  time  so brief that only a few flashes pass by my eyes.  The rest are disguised, buried under the rubble of pain and hate - the reality of my sad, lonely and pathetic fate.

Pain I do own.  Hate is the bone I cannot swallow - the reason I don't wallow in memory, it gets caught in my throat and threatens to choke me.  One day, maybe, I will be free to choose that fate.  I fear that is a MUCH later date.

Struggle with the ability to accept parts of  reality.  Fooling myself not, that one day I will  wake up from this dream and everything will not be as it seems.  Where all is right, sitting by the lake in the sunlight, all is well and there is peace. Time and space has not erase me from the picture.

My heart is always there, even through the tears of reality where I do not belong in the picture. Gone.  Never to be there.  Pain and loss is clear.  Memory too dear to remember, as all the good ones are.  Was I ever there at all?  It is all behind the wall-  tall and deeper than one could believe.  Living beyond the wall is the essence of me.

Happy little soul that struggled and fought to survive,  miracle of life. Hidden and safe! Would the choice had been the same to remain?  Poor little spirit, disillusioned right from the start, never to understand the danger of a loving heart.  The audacity - strong and stupid even then!

 Never going away.  Pain remains-  never being good , strong, smart or right - ignore it I try, it gets more difficult.  Giving, giving, giving - gone.  Disappeared, one small piece at a time - that is life and the essence of being alive. Disposable.




Friday, March 17, 2017

UNTITLED

Whatever do you do with one who has no clue?
     I lack the tact not to react when something stupid is done
           Taking all the fun out of the laughter coming from you - the one without a clue.


You laugh and smile, knowing all the while
                   I will believe your lie - but not this time
                             The more I questioned you, the more I knew
                                       The true reason behind the smile was to beguile

Sympathy is not what you got
            Stopped you not, to be accused,
                        your lie continued to spill out of your mouth still

Your words fell on deaf ears
          No longer could I bear to hear the lie
                    The behavior, repeated many times over the years
                                   More times than I care to recall, the number does appall

Different, though they are each time, and really, no business of mine
                             Except that thing you do, to evoke sympathy for you
                                         Something I abhor from someone I would rather believe all words true
                                                                   

Soon you could take no more, my words did score,
                   Heading quickly for the door was all you could do
                              You still defended the lie as you said your goodbyes
                                        I couldn't look you in the face, the truth to me brought much disgrace

You left, quietly closing the door
             The one who has no clue
                      as to what constant lying will do