WHO HAS YOUR BACK?

As I try to get my head back in the right place prior to surgery, which was flipped into a no go zone thanks to the ongoing drama which my primary physician brings into my life, the drama continues.  But it is not mine. I refuse to own or accept the bullshit coming out of her office towards and I hate to even say it out loud - against me.

Pre surgical exam was awesome! (SARCASM INTENDED Waiting the half hour early they asked me to come in with a full bladder as well, that was not the torture the were hoping for, since I can't tell when my bladder is full so after waiting 30 minutes when the nurse walked out to ask how I was doing and if I needed to use the bathroom, I was like, no, I am good right now, which I had no idea either way!

After the ekg and the doctor checking my lungs and nodes under my arms, and a weight and bp/pulse and being told I was having C 5 removed.  By the time I got into the bathroom it was 3:00 and I filled the cup to the brim practically.  Before I left I asked if I needed blood work for the surgery and was told "Baystate didn't say that you did."  I left and went on my way.  I did however phone the surgeons office when I arrived home to confirm which disc was being removed as the information from my primary was not what my surgeon had told me.

I just got off the phone with Baystate, and thank goodness I had called to question the surgery.  Of course my surgeon was correct.  C3 is being removed.  I also do need blood work and I asked about the urine sample they needed.  They didn't need a urine sample and Baystate told me I should have questioned that.

I thanked Jenelle and called my primary doctors office to find out if I have to get blood work done at their office or at a lab.  That required two calls since Chris was away from the phone and leaving messages there does no good.  I hung up and called the receptionist and Karen told me I could go anywhere to get the blood work done. 

I then asked about the urine sample request and was told it was to rule out INFECTION, without hesitation.  I asked if she was making that up or if it was true and she said, no I just asked (telepathically), I said, so do I have an infection?  She said NO, they would have phoned you if you did. 

At this point I just thanked dear Karen and hung up.  Now I have to go get blood work done.  Imagine if I didn't call and went for my surgery only to be turned away because of no labs???

So, my head must be in a good place.  I am not losing my shit over this.  I am just calmly changing my plans of resting and heating pad and non drug pain management ways and taking a walk to get this done.  I must say, I am feeling pretty proud of myself (although I am documenting this here, there and everywhere!)

FOCUS

We are products of our experiences.  How true is that?  I would say that most people would agree with that statement.  Sadly, as the anger of yesterday has sat in my brain all afternoon, evening and now that I have awakened to a new day full of hope and possibility with a feeling a little less than doom, not in the dread category.

The negative voice track of my childhood and teenage years has been playing low in the background.  It has planted its tune once more - you don't matter, you are stupid, weak, bad , girl,  go away, no one loves you, you don't matter, you are useless, go stand in a corner and cry.

I think back to a week ago, a day ago, when I had hope and was excited and not worried or nervous - just excited, happy and thankful.  Eager to be totally prepared and in a groove of moving forward in having everything in house for my recovery from food to Christmas shopping - the whole nine yards.  Cuz you never know how you are going to feel after getting a disc removed from your spine.

I don't know much but I do know that surgery takes away one set of symptoms and side effects but gives you new things to deal with, some things get better and some things do get worse.  That is life.  Trading off one set of experiences for a whole other series of experiences, ya gotta hope that the trade off is worth it.

In my case being able to walk and move normally is what I hope to achieve.  I am a walker, have been for 9 years now, which was at the time to lessen my carbon footprint,  not exactly my wisest choice considering the challenges that I face even though things are near enough to walk to, especially when walking becomes the problem.

So, now I have to push these horrible, and I do mean horrible feelings aside.  They may seem exaggerated to most people.  I will tell you, I was writing this and had just finished the third paragraph when my shrink returned my call.  I know when I am going off the rails, it doesn't happen often, but when I woke up I knew shit wasn't on the norm, so I made that phone call knowing that I was nearing the land of making irrational bad choices - the one before the phone call happened was "fuck it - just cancel the surgery and curl up and die somewhere." real thought, no shit.  No one self destructs quite like me.  I have experience.  Not recent experience because I have been on a focused and positive course.  Blowing up your own life sucks in the aftermath.

When the phone rang, I answered and said hello calmly enough.  Next thing I knew, I was unable to speak a word.  My whole self was white noise, like static on the television. I tried to speak and nothing came out which made sense and I knew it even before my doc pointed that out.  I acknowledged that I knew he couldn't understand by what I said what happened. 

The emotions came out before the problem in a stream of curses and tears and swears and tears.  The rage and pain from an entire lifetime stuck on the negligence and lack of what I perceive as continued lack of professionalism coated in judgment and meanness and a lack of compassion  - that was the white noise.

Another in a long series of people who do not see or care about what I need to be whole ( especially when they are paid to do so) and more deeply, when they are not. The whole invisibility factor in play. In other words, the trauma of my past came back and bit me hard in the ass.

The question then becomes how to not let the white noise cloud the whole picture?  How to clear the picture and make the static go away?  Time dwindles.  I now have 5 days to get my brain in a choose life state of being.  I don't want to end up on the wrong side of that white light if the choice comes while I am in the ether.

I do miss those natural defense mechanisms which neatly took shit like this and walled it up.  I must be stronger since it doesn't occur naturally and I really have to use serious distraction techniques to get this one out of the front and center.

Fortunately before yesterday afternoon I was in a groove of forward motion.  Nothing has changed.  I have had a minor meltdown, used my words, shed my deep seated tears.  The one consolation is that it is Christmastime and grandchildren,  so I have an excuse for the retail therapy which will be a huge tool in aiding my re traumatized brain.

Onward and Upward
Peace and Positivity

VU JA DE

I am angry.  Surprise, surprise as my mother has been know to say.  I don't want to be angry as I have surgery in six days and I want to be as right as rain going into this.  Vu ja de X 2 as I head number 1) back to the first surgery spot to get that silly little disc that is poking into my spine removed, 2) the horrible lack of treatment by my primary doctor following the second chance and getting the same results totally down to being told nothing is wrong the first time to being flat out ignored the second time - both times having to go directly to the Surgeon to find out that of course something is wrong.  He knows better than I do that when I feel that something is physically wrong - I am usually correct. 

I guess my main malfunction today is the fact that I don't resemble a person who has a mangled spine.  My mobility is usually good, my flexibility, strength, etc.  oh, and I don't wince or grimace or show my pain because why the fuck should I?  Should I walk around mean and grouchy and complaining?  Should I let the pain I feel on the inside  overtake the beauty of a smile that will make you and me feel better or should I scowl and cry and scream?  Should I distract myself and dress myself nice so I look better than I feel or should I just let it all go?  Should I be a reflection of what I want to be or how I feel inside?

I don't take drugs as a choice in treating my pain.  I explained it to my doctor a couple of weeks ago AGAIN, by explaining I used to take a ton of prescribed medicine and I almost died withdrawing from them and do not ever wish to experience that again - that got me labeled as a DRUG ADDICT, PER HER NOTES! 


Funny how her notes didn't say she thought it was unethical to prescribe pain medication and against her MORALS.  Imagine, a doctor saying it is against her ethics or morals to prescribe pain medication to a patient regardless?  It is as laughable as her saying I am fine because she doesn't feel any heat or cold through her hands - do I say to her face that she needs to get her batteries checked, especially when a REAL doctor then determined I needed surgery X 2??!!??

I guess that is why once upon a time after my very first surgery, I had fallen on the ice and was worried that I had damaged my neck again.  I went to the Emergency room, not for drugs, I had plenty of those.  I told the doctor that when he wanted me to sign a form and call a ride.  Boy, they never understand when you don't want drugs and are not there for drugs.  I told him I just wanted to make sure I didn't injure my neck due to the fall.  Fortunately all was cool with my neck confirmed by an X Ray.

Unbeknownst to me, while he had me waiting in a room, he phoned my doctor at the Pain Clinic where I was treating who told him" If Jennifer Gallant is at the emergency room it is to find out if she is okay and it is not for DRUGS."  She told me all about it when I had my next appointment about a week later.

Why am I angry?  Why do I not like or trust doctors?  Why sometimes do I wish I had died when I was  born two and a half months early?  SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!

Okay.  Pre op screening is over.  Surgery in six days.  No worries.  I have got this....no worries.  Mask on, emotions gone.  All good...no worries.  Resume activity. The show is over and there is nothing to see here, especially if you (evil doctor) don't listen to what I am saying when I finally break down and share my pain, which isn't too often.  It took me a year of feeling like I feel now to even acknowledge that I was having a problem, and only after it got exceedingly worse over the course of the past 5 months of which it took 2 months for me to even get acknowledgement of it. 

And yeah, I haven't seen this professional for a reason in three years, aside from the fact that I am a relatively healthy and active person is because I lost faith in her after her behavior a few years ago by dismissing my pain, my words and not believing anything but her broken hands - did I mention she is an osteopath?  I don't feel she is a professional and this experience has doubly confirmed this.  See, I don't trust in what I know until I REALLY know.  It is difficult for me to believe that there are people like this out there even when I get the deluxe treatment!!!