Monday, April 29, 2013


Finally!  My glasses came in a few days early!  I received the call earlier today and it could not have been a happier occasion.  To lose one's ability to see clearly is a total bummer!  You can only do so many sighted things with poor vision.  Believe me, I do adapt to most situations, but this one I am not sure if I could have handled for another two days!  I walked back home with my glasses amazed at how far I could see!

Now, not only do I have glasses for far away, I also have them for close up, so it does help with the computer a great deal, although I am not used to seeing clearly and am getting headaches here and there and could not even read my book with the reading glasses on, but it works wonders for the computer!

I have now completed all three of the S.G. Browne books.  I read Fated a couple of years ago and was very pleased with his style of writing.  With nothing more to go on than a brief description of the book, I located the title and the author and found that he had written two more books, and that we share the same birthday!  After communicating online with him, which is also very cool, and between getting disappointed at the way that the Veronica Mars season three left me with many cliffhangers  with no relief in sight, until the movie comes out I guess, I checked Breathers and Lucky Bastard out of the library.

S.G. Browne has a unique style of writing.  I like it.  I loved Fated and began Breathers with a totally open mind, considering it is about zombies, but not quite like any zombie story I have ever heard of or read about, and which, the more I read, the more I enjoyed getting to the end, which actually was a wrap around to the beginning of the story.

Lucky Bastard I just finished an hour ago.  I decided that I needed to get back to it, as I was so engrossed in the first 165 pages and could not stop reading the first time I picked it up, and as life got in the way of my reading time, I was happy to find some random time yesterday in between my cooking and visiting and eating to read some more, leaving me with just about 100 pages to knock off today.

I loved it almost as much as I did Fated.  Such a unique storyline about a person who poaches luck, and the concept of being able to steal someones luck and buy and sell it was like nothing I have ever read before either.  The main character was a Private Detective/Poacher, and I don't think any one person deserves a day like he had at all!

In the end, Mr. Browne just wraps everything up so nicely, telling a tale, giving us something to think about and a bit of philosophy to go along with it!  I am delighted to have taken the time to read all three of these books, and cannot wait to see what pearls of wonder Mr. Browne pulls out of his bag of tricks next time!

I feel as though I must have poached someones luck, although, maybe it is just the attitude rejuvenation?  I am not sure, my cousin Billy used to seem to think that I was full of good luck, because every time I got into a situation, he used to say, I would come out smelling like a rose.  What he does not realize is that my situations came threefold and did not seem to go away without much upheaval and the cost was always great!

Before I even read Lucky Bastard, I had been wondering where my good luck had gone since that fateful error in trust back in 2008, because I have been feeling like I broke consecutive mirrors, walked under a few ladders and crossed the path of 100 black cats!  Not that I am superstitious or anything, but what I had hoped would be a grand year, began rather shakily and appeared to just get worse and worse, until last week!

To be honest, I did not think I was going to be able to turn it around, and have been kind of distant and uncertain about what my life and the lack of purpose and meaning were all about, it was really getting me down in a bad way.  I am not as certain as my cousin regarding my ability to come out fine.  My faith was really beginning to wane a great deal!

After the series of fortunate events for a change, and the sunshine and warm weather, and with the help of a few of my friends, I am beginning to feel my faith restored and my doubts growing less powerful.  I still have miles to go before I sleep and I am more aware of the things which are really playing on my spirit and causing me grief, anger and sadness.

I know that my previous feelings and isolation are the effect of other people's baggage, and mental issues, which, were beginning to dim the light that shines in me, much to my dismay, all I can do is try to have compassion for those who have none and not let their shortcomings affect my light from shining through, which I did not have that great of an understanding of before today.  I also have my own baggage and my outlook gets blurred greatly with too much negatives all in a row without end!

So, I continue my journey with my new, restored sight, both through the glasses and through my perception of life in general.  It is nice to feel the energy of the light and my spirit coming back as strong as it ever was, although a little tarnished around the edges.  One day, I will get it down, until then I will keep on plugging away the only way that I know how, with a smile and a warm greeting for those I meet along the way!
Although life is not what I want it to be, and I really have no clue of what I want, only what I don't want, I am fortunate to be able to learn, adapt and grow as a person.  Isn't that really what life is all about?

Sunday, April 28, 2013


Wow!  What  a busy day!  It began early with a text from my adopted daughter who is in the hospital, so add to the day of cooking a brief visit to the hospital, cuz somehow I got the visiting hours wrong!  So much changes in such a short time!  I could swear they used to begin at two not end at two!

After a partial tea, I began my morning chopping and sauteing vegetables, onions, peppers and garlic to get my sauce started, hot sausage went into the oven and while the veg sauteed I began making my meatballs to get them into the oven while I got the rest of the sauce together.

I am glad I did the dishes last night after dinner, instead of having to clean my kitchen this morning, considering the unplanned hospital visit!  I just cannot work in a kitchen with dirty dishes around it, and it makes it easier to keep it clean as you go along!

After the sausage and meatballs baked in the oven, and I added them to my sauce it was time to begin the Boston Cream Pie.  I got the cake in the oven, it was just a simple recipe, one pan, came out golden yellow and fell right out of the pan without a hitch.

While that cooled and my sauce simmered and blended, it was time for a quick shower and a quick walk to the hospital for what remained of the afternoon visiting hours.  With only 15 minutes before it was over, I made my way to my friends room.  Grateful to have gotten to see her, make sure she was alright before she headed outdoors for some of this gorgeous sunshine.

I made my way back home to make my custard filling, thinking of all of the hours spent watching my grandmother make this for her cream puffs, helping her as I got older and having many pleasant flashbacks of the times I have spent with her, and since she has been gone, without her, making her recipes, loving the fact that I am reading and viewing her handwriting and basking in the love of being a little girl in her presence.

Slicing the cake in two parts went well, the challenge was to get the two halves off of each other without breaking either one, which my trusty assistant, Tom helped me out by taking the plate with the top half so I didn't drop both halves to the floor.

Now my custard is chilling, my sauce is simmering, I am plugging away at sharing my busy and productive day with you all!  Two more steps, filling the cake and making the chocolate topping is all I have left, aside from making the spaghetti and deciding on if I do want to make the garlic rolls as well, which I will probably do and my work will be done!

It looks like a good birthday meal will be had by all who are in attendance.  (I did snitch the odd meatball after a fashion to make sure they were okay ~ if the meatballs are any indication, I should have some very satisfied guests!

I for one, anticipate the dessert.  My son is surprised that I am going to all this trouble for his Dad.  I do not understand why.  I love to cook and I do believe you should celebrate your birthday with things you like, and while it does seem like a lot of work, everything is a process, and as my favorite dessert as well as his Dad's I am being selfish and making it.  His Dad will be surprised though.  Not everyone has a Mom who does the little things, I am not sure how celebrated my ex husband's birthdays were over the course of his life, but I am sure it will be a birthday meal he will not soon forget!

I am so caught up with my day, just the way I like it!  The more I have to do, the better I feel.  A welcome change after the drudgery of the winter blahs!  Heading off into the kitchen to wash out my pan and make my topping so everything will be in order.

Have a great day!  Thanks for reading!

Saturday, April 27, 2013


I have had the best past few days.  For me life is all about being happy, busy, productive and creative and not about wasting time.  Lately, I have felt very dissatisfied with my levels of productivity and creativity.   Over the past couple of days, however I have fulfilled all areas so I am finally happier than I have been in a while.

Finally getting back into my "normal" Friday routine, whereas I have been able to go to my two favorite food pantries to obtain food and see people whom I have not seen in months, so I fulfilled my productive and necessary task of actually having enough food in the house, which does help set my mind at ease a great deal.  It is also nice to have people notice you have been away, and receive greetings and warm and welcoming smiles.

I was able to get so much done on Friday on top of that, getting out into the warmth of the sunshine for a change and walking without freezing and getting my errands done is always a bonus.  I also got to the library and picked up a couple of new random books up to absorb some more creative writing styles, on top of using the computer and going to the printer to get a picture for an art workshop I attended today!

I learned a new skill.  Decoupage.  It was fun!  I cannot wait to get the proper materials and fool around with this new found skill!  No pictures as it is a gift, and mine needed another coat and we ran out of time.  I am a slow person, I am not too proud to admit it!  I had no vision before I began, unsure exactly of what the outcome should be, but I do believe that the gift will be well received.

Getting out for an afternoon with the ladies, listening to some excellent music and being creative was such great fun.  Definitely thankful for the invitation to participate in this fun time!  My friend Nancy had done the full workshop, whereas this one was just two people and the wonderful Diane Firtell teaching us how to create these masterpieces was memorable!

I got to walk Sheyna, (Diane's sweet dog) so that was also a bonus for me!  When I was walking over to the workshop, it was perfect timing, as Di and Shey were walking out of their front door, so I got to walk her twice and if you like dogs, there is nothing like a sweet little fur ball resting their head on your lap content with your presence, something I have been missing from my own dog since his bittersweet absence almost a year ago.

I look forward as well to a birthday celebration meal on Sunday for my youngest son's Dad.  His birthday was the other day, but we made plans for an Italian Feast on Sunday with spaghetti, hot sausage, homemade sauce and meatballs.  I have decided to make his favorite dessert as well, Boston Creme Pie, so I get to make my Grandma's homemade custard filling for the center, one of my favorite things to eat and make.

So happy, busy, creative and satisfied are the keywords for me this week.  I am truly all of those!  Hope you all have a chance fulfill your needs as I have been blessed and rejuvenated by my past three days!  Thanks for reading!

Thursday, April 25, 2013


This has certainly been a long month.  I finally had my eyes checked last week after my glasses broke into three irreparable pieces and since I had harvested all the parts from previous glasses there was nothing I could do but go and get my eyes checked and now I am waiting patiently to be able to see again.

Being vision impaired makes it difficult to do just about everything.  Considering that I cannot really see distance since 6th grade, and now in my older years require glasses for reading as well I have been at  a huge  disadvantage.

I have been thankful for my son for helping me cross busy streets so I don't get taken out by speeding vehicles.  Short of typing for me, I have been limited on my writing because I just cannot see that well and my fingers have not been cooperating with letting my brain know when I make an error typing!!

I have been keeping productive but in a limited way around the house, cleaning and organizing and cooking as usual.  I have also been reading books in order to get an idea of new styles of writing.  It keeps me away from the computer and I have been very entertained and motivated enough to begin a second writing project different from my blog.

I am thankful as well that the Boston Police and FBI have made our state safe again with the capture of the Marathon Bombers.  That was quick and efficient.  They probably realized that if they did not get them then Bostonians would surely take the matters into their own hands and that, I am certain would have been a whole different ball game!

I do hope that my new glasses arrive soon however, before next Friday, as it is almost time for another First Friday Artwalk again.  I had a great time last month, and as you may realize it is one of the greatest pleasures that I have, until the warm weather rolls around and we have Third Thursdays again on North Street, complete with vendors and bands up and down our Main Street, and Live at the Lake on Wednesdays.   Our city does have some nice cultural activities going on which were not here when I grew up in the city.  I am glad that I am around to appreciate and participate.

The Burger King, which had closed due to some financial difficulties has reopened and my son and I just had an interesting experience there.  Their service is a little too be desired ~ which I am certain they will get together sooner, rather than later I am hoping, but we will be sure to go back again, as we received two complimentary Whopper  cards for pointing out the fact that our food was ready and our drinks were not and we had to wait for five extra minutes.  While our first taste of Burger King was a little less to be desired, since cold burgers and fries are not as mouth watering as they would have been hot, I am sure that when we next return they will have ironed out the wrinkles.

So I leave you now.  I have to find a picture suitable to decoupage on a clay pot for Saturday, so I am brainstorming this one.   I am not really too sure what I have in mind, as it was just sprung on me today.  What does one decorate a clay pot with?  Hmmm... .  So I am away!  Have a great day!

Monday, April 22, 2013


What a beautiful day to celebrate our Earth!  The sun is shining and it looks like Spring is coming to our area, slower than most would like, but still you cannot deny the buds and blooms poking their way out to say hello, we are back!

I remember years ago, 16 or so, when I had the opportunity to take a vacation to Florida with my youngest son.  He had never been on a trip on an airplane and he and I headed down to my favourite place, Pompano Beach, where my Dad had resided with a roommate from up in Massachusetts.  He was not living there at the time, but his roommate and I had been friends for a while so he graciously let us come and stay at his home.

I loved going there.  My "room" was always the same, in the back with a door out to the pool.  It was my home away from home so to speak.  Whenever I got weary or stressed out too much it was my retreat.  This time my little man got to accompany me!

We had the best time!  I remember it was Earth Day as well, so my friend's girlfriend at the time and her youngest daughter took a field trip to a park some miles away to go participate in an Earth Day Celebration one Saturday.

It was a lot of fun with crafts and games for the kids and hiking trails and an egg hunt, as Easter was in there at the same time as well.  My son did a craft project and we hiked the trails and I was amazed to realize there were actually wooded areas in Florida.

Most of my experiences in Florida were in cities, like Pompano and Miami and Fort Lauderdale ~ not too many wooded areas there, many beaches, highways and large buildings and traffic!  I was amazed by the calm beauty of the woods.  We participated in a ceremony to celebrate the Earth and there was a demonstration of these singing bowls which were really cool as well.  We had so much fun, we totally forgot to pick up my sons artwork on the way out!

During this trip, my son also learned to swim in my friends pool!  I am sure he had an awesome time and we were both sad to leave.  On the return flight home, he got to sit in the row in front of me with his own window seat!  I am sure that nothing topped that experience for him as of yet!

It is important that we all take the time and do something to celebrate the earth today, even if it is as small as just enjoying the sun!  Plant a tree, conserve some energy, walk instead of drive.  Our planet is very important to our survival.  Without it, we would be homeless, and I for one kinda like this place!

Have a great Earth Day everyone!!!

Friday, April 19, 2013


Today is my absolute favorite kind of day.  The day when, even though it is cloudy and grey, with a spattering of raindrops, the first warm wind is blowing through and the sun is in the sky, it is refreshing and for me  the sign that always, for me signifies spring.

I feel blessed today, having seen some people I have not gotten to see in a while, able to do my "old" Friday routine for the first time in months.  Feeling blessed that, although two people whom I met, one of whom being one of the oldest people in the town where most of my relatives live and hailed from, and another a younger woman, have passed over the winter, that I got the opportunity to speak to listen to the elder Mrs. Chase's stories about the town and my relatives of long ago before I was born.  I love history and first hand accounts of my elders.

It is also good, as I have been extremely busy and productive since early this morning.  Up and the ready, on time and pretty much non stop.   Getting food in the house, doing chores and an unexpected pleasure of dog walking.  

Sweet Sheyna is my friend Diane's, dog, she is a beautiful terrier poodle, it was very nice to see her with her new spring haircut, cute as a button with her grey fur spotted with black.  Eager as anything to get out and explore with her puppy sense of adventure!  As I said the weather was perfect for it!

Busy as a bee I was, and my work is not done.  I have more to do, but I need to sit and write and catch my breath before I carry on with more of the productive part of the day.  Walking my friends dog really takes it out of me!  Yet it invigorates me and restores me as well. I have been missing my own dog, who I had to part with almost a year ago.  

After this long week of tragedies in our country, and my home state, finally some progress and hopefully some answers and some justice to follow in regards to the bombing, it was nice to get back to doing things that were routine, productive and out of the norm as well.  

I look forward, now that Spring has truly arrived to the renewal nature, with the birds chirping, the trees budding, the flowers popping their heads up through the ground, waking up and shining their beauty.  I love all seasons, but I am partial to spring and all of the greens that pop seemingly all at once all around me!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


On Monday, in the capital city of the state in which I have resided my whole life, on a state holiday celebrating the Patriots of our country, during one of the most traditional events, The Boston Marathon, a person wishing to invoke fear desecrated, killed and injured many people.

As an American, a Massachusettsian  and a human being I am totally angered by this act.  My prayers and thoughts go out to all of those whose lives this tragedy has personally touched, which is evident by the huge gathering for the prayer vigils in Boston and many other places.

I am also proud, proud as  I watched  the people who rushed in during the bombing, selflessly helping the injured without hesitation.   The police, the firemen, the volunteers, on the street during the chaos and confusion, doing what was necessary  quickly.   And to the  Doctors the nurses and most amazingly the runners who went and gave blood after running the race for the innocent victims.

I am not sure if this person or group of people, as the identity of said bomber is still uncertain, only a coward would do such an act of killing women and children;  realizes that he (they) picked the wrong state to try to perpetuate their terror on.  I say this statement, not to acknowledge this person or to give this person credit, but to give the residents of Massachusetts credit for their strength and unity during this horrific event.

We are not going to cower in fear and worry about what is coming next.  We are going to stand strong and united and pull together, because if there is one true thing to say about the residents of our fair State it is that we are strong and fearless, and we don't take any  shit ~ especially Bostonians.

We are all hale and hearty, whether from the city of Boston, or the Berkshire Hills or any point down the Pike.  We are rich, we are poor, we are in between.  We are hard workers and we are survivors.  We are proud.  We are strong and we stand together.  We believe in justice, whether it is on the streets, or in the courtrooms.  I would not like to run into a group from South Boston on a mission to say the least!!  We stand and fight, not run and hide.

I usually do not allow an overflow of bad news into the house.  I was out shopping when my son called to tell me about the bombing on Monday, he was quite concerned and had me in front of the television, until I got him out of the house.  When we returned he was back in front of the t.v. again, waiting and watching for any new information, and I was right there with him.

Today, one of the major news channels reported that the suspected bomber was in custody, and I, like many other people were interested to know the who's and what's and why for of this story.  It was misinformation,  sadly, as they had no one in custody ~ which is why I do not usually let myself get sucked into the media.  It is all about ratings these days and less about reporting accurate news.

After dinner, the first thing my son wanted to do was to check the television to see if there was any new information.  I know it seems insensitive and I diverted him from it relatively quickly.  All that constant news about the same thing can be maddening and not very healthy in the doses they dish out.  I for one know that if any major "factual" news happens, it will be all over the place, so endlessly watching CNN or whatever station, for me is wasted time.  I will not miss it!

Please, do yourselves a favor, and limit the intake of repetitious news.  Do not give this person the satisfaction of knowing that he is in control, manipulating and enhancing worry and fear.  Do what we from Massachusetts do ~ pull together, hug your family, say a prayer for those lost and those fighting to hang on, count your blessings ~ then pick up and move on.  Do not let this bully win ~ justice will prevail!!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013


Life is not always as dark in the dawn of day as it sometimes appears to be.  Sometimes on our journey, we get worried and there seems to be no solution in sight.  That is when we need to take a step back, and look at the possibilities before us.  Lord knows I do worry at times, and get very dark doing so!

After my somewhat deep and seemingly over dramatic post yesterday, I took a walk to do some errands.  Over the course of this walk, I had a conversation with my nearest and dearest youngest son and we both feel the same way, which is good, because we both agree that we need to make the ultimate change in geographic location.

That doesn't mean that we have a plan.  It just means that we need to make a plan and do research and make some serious decisions.  I feel better knowing that I will not be alone in this next step of my journey, which really sets my mind at ease.  It also gives me something more positive to think about.  Which is good.

So sometimes when life seems helpless, it does help to talk to someone, especially when you find that they are feeling the same way.  It is also encouraging to hear that there are people out there who care, and I just want to say +Marguerita Farrell , that you do rock and no need to worry about me!

I may not be able to remember the last great adventure which I have had, which is a little discouraging, and not that mine included ever getting chased up a tree by a wild boar in the bush, or rumbling with baboons with the end result of pushing a dirt bike 5 hours ~ that is your department dear woman!

I love reading and laughing at your adventures til tears run down my face, the same way that I do so love all of your concern and your reminder of the lipstick will always make me smile and mist up a little (okay ~ a lot) knowing that I am not alone and some adventurous redhead is sitting under the same stars that I am thinking and knowing that I am stronger than I think I am, also something which I am aware of and just misplace from time to time!

The people who reach out to me, knowing me, in real life, knowing that I am good, and loving and concerned with their well being almost as much as I am about my own well being and needing my words and my strength and kindness is also very helpful and affirming to me as well and for that I thank you as well, Nancy Bush Brooks for reaching out at  a time when I needed to be useful!

I know that my adventures are not behind me, they have just shifted a bit so that I can take care of the business end of life so that I may move forward ~ tie up loose ends, put the past away and be prepared for the endless and open possibilities.

This is definitely not my first hurdle I have ever jumped.  It has just been one that was so unexpected and life changing that I did not have the tools at the time to jump.  I have been in training so to speak and am almost ready to get back in the race, put my running shoes on and race off into a more satisfying future.  I have not lost this race, I have not even begun the race!

So to my faithful and caring readers, thank you for being with me on this journey!  I do love that you are there with me, rooting for me, supporting me with your kind words and comments!  You are in my hearts more than you will ever know!

The sun is shining and it is the beginning of another beautiful day!  So get out there and life some life, whether you are in training or in the middle of your race!  Rest assured that you also have it in you to be a winner!

Sunday, April 14, 2013


I have been wondering a lot lately on how to make the positive changes in my life in order to live and feel alive again instead of this zombie of a person just waking up, reading, writing, playing games and wasting time in general only to have to go to bed get up and do it all over again?!!

The last  changes in my life were not brought about by me directly and I am up a creek without a paddle, so to speak.  My final resolution from New Years is the huge one and that will take some time, as money is a necessity in that area and alas, it is not flowing freely off my money tree.

Feeling stuck in general, in a city I was forced to come back too, trying hard and somewhat succeeding in accepting the good qualities of said city and looking at it in a different light is a minor step in the right direction, yet not enough I am finding deep inside myself.

I thought it would be best to come home, since my boys were here and have some quality time with them.  They have their lives though, and I am someone they may or may not remember exists these days unless I phone them.  Very normal for young men, learning how to live in this world and make a future for themselves.  Priorities.

I wonder how people just pick up and move on?  When I left before, my friend selling her house in the country was ideal with the timing of my settlement and I jumped at it, and before that Dave just gave me an ultimatum that I move to West Stockbridge by December or our relationship would be over.

Now it is me, and my youngest son Tom, who is a "grown up" 20 years young this past February.  I know that he would go live with his older brother and Dad if he had a choice.  He is faithful and has a sense of loyalty to me for some reason though and sticks around knowing that I could not survive without him.  I am thankful for that, but is it what he wants to do?

We joke about leaving this place.  He does not like it either.  He lasted about two months going to high school here in 10th grade and then never left his room, and gradually building up going downstairs, and three apartments and two hospitalizations later he will now go outside and walk with me and go to the store if it is necessary.  To say that it has not been a living hell and not at all what I expected for the most part would be a huge gross understatement.

Not knowing what the correct move to make is bothersome and worrisome.  Knowing that you cannot continue doing and existing and not feeling worthwhile, useful or happy in any degree is really depressing.  I never expected to feel this way in my life ever!!!

As the world changes, the recession gets worse and hope is depleting I wonder how people make the decision to leave and how they figure out where to go, and yet still, how do you know it will be any different any where else?  Part of me knows this is a passing mood, but the rest of me knows it is necessary for my innate survival.  Part of the problem when you know yourself too well as I do.  

It is worse than "What do you want to be when you grow up", it is more like "What are you going to do to escape this hell so you do not die?"  I have no worth, no potential here.  I am no artist, no musician, not into politics.  I have no money or credit to begin a project to make money, and we all know you need some to make some, so I am feeling option less in this world.  A total useless air breather and food eater.  That is not good  for the future on any level whatsoever!

I know that there is a bright side.  Ha Ha, a bright side from having alienated oneself from all family and "pseudo" friends.  I thought I had a few, made a few, but in light of the morning sun I do not see or feel them.  I am still standing alone with myself.  I do not kid myself there.  As I said, I know myself and at the end of the day, I do stand alone, unless of course someone wants something I can do, or I can get.

I am not a player though.  My Dad always used to tell me "Play the game" well to me life is not a game.  It is a course of actions and reactions.  I am not a fake person.  I am not going to suck up to you just because.  Screw that shit.  I would rather be alone than be a kiss ass fake ass person!  I would not be me if I did.

So my big question of the year is what do I do next to make the changes that I want to live?  How does one do that?  It is not running away, more like running to a life which I can feel comfortable and do more than exist in an apartment day to day in a city which I do try to love when I feel myself slipping away into this meaningless hell!

Thursday, April 11, 2013


"Friend Contract"  sounds a bit silly and junior high schoolish to me,  to put it out there in relation to me and my life, most necessary.  In light of the fact that I am a person who has been taken in by people who don't have my best interest at heart, and me one to be so oblivious to the facts of the matter, unaware and trusting and open and sharing.  Ultimately hurt thinking that I have a friend and trusted confidant, only to find in the end (and there is always an end) that it never was what it seemed to be.

You look good with me by your side out in the world, hmmm, who is that girl with him?  You smile and let people think what they will knowing that I am just your friend, but why should anyone else know that?  Let them think what they will, even though the status of our relationship is friend.

You say you agree to the terms of our "relationship".  Yet, your actions and words let me know that you want more.  I do not encourage this.  In fact, it puts me off.  I am your friend though, and I do not want to hurt your feelings.  Feelings are important.  Yours and mine.  Your friendship is important.  You say you understand my limits, my boundaries, but you hope in your head and your heart that I will change my mind.

I hate confrontation.  I do not have the words to say to you "enough already ~ Are you my friend?"  In my head you are my friend, but in my heart, watching your pain, taking it as rejection at only being a "friend", watching you distance yourself from me not very friendly or friend like ~ jealous of my other "friends", my doctor, professional acquaintances telling me you want more even though you know it would never work out.  It makes me sad and uncomfortable.  It makes me want to quit being available to the outside world, censor my smiles, go back into the shadows and hide in the darkness, alone ~ as I am quite comfortable doing and being.

I wish you well, I would be happy if you found your hearts desire.  I on the other hand am not that person.  I never promised or encouraged you to feel that way or would feel bad if you found your hearts desire.  I am not looking for more for myself.  I am working on developing interpersonal skills with people.  I am NOT READY for a warm and loving sexual relationship or commitment with anyone beyond than my family.  Not news to you.  We are friends, we have discussed this from the beginning!

I carefully begin my male "relationships" in this way.  Knowing that regardless of how it starts,  men always have the same need to own and control and possess.  They say one thing but hope that in the end it will fall in their favour and they will posses me.  It drives me crazy that men hear what they want to hear and gloss over the rest.

As one who has been betrayed in love and interpersonal relationships my trust is there, but not.  Can one person on the planet please listen to my words and respect my needs?  Not just tell me what they think I want to hear, but really mean it when I go over the limits of my life?  Trust and respect are earned.  Why is it easier for people to lie and say they understand when clearly it isn't true?  Why do I not recognize it until it is too late?

I am working on being a happy person on the planet.  My goal is to not walk through this world alone, to have those around me who understand and agree and who are not just sticking around waiting for me to weaken and change my mind.  It will never happen.  When I am healed enough to offer my heart to someone I will know.  When I find my equal on all levels we will both know!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


The past two days have been very productive in the continued effort to complete spring cleaning.  All of the curtains are washed  and half of the floors and part of the walls have been scrubbed down.  Very satisfying and refreshing to plug away through these random yet necessary chores.  Not only do I complete a task, I am also rewarded by a clean and refreshing aroma to welcome spring!

Today has also been profitable in that I acquired a whole pineapple and get to begin yet another much anticipated project of growing a pineapple.  I read about it some months ago and it intrigued me, as much as the avocado tree!  Looking forward to seeing if it really works!

I have limited ability with the repetitive motion involved in scrubbing down the floors and I do it the old fashioned way on my hands and knees it is a definite chore and I was amazed at how much my knees are rebelling today along with my neck, back and shoulders.  You have to pick your battles and I chose to do this "chore" so I willingly and knowingly accept the pain that goes along with it, besides I had to let the housekeeper go due to the recession.  (Joke ~ wish I had a housekeeper, but that would be me!)

I patiently anticipate the consumption of the delicious roast pork which is now baking in my oven with some carrots, potatoes and red onions nicely seasoned with some curry, garlic and lemon and pepper.  It should be an amazing meal by the smell of it!

I am enjoying the last 40 pages of the final book in the trilogy.  It has been an exciting read so far to say the least.  I am trying to view other peoples writing styles.  Like painters and musicians, writers have their own styles and voices.  I am widening my circle of authors in order to do just that.

I got to pick up season 2 of Veronica Mars and cannot wait to sink my eyeballs into that one!  I missed it when it was on and my friend got me caught up in it recently.  Season one ended in such a way which I never would have predicted, and I am usually the one that figures out the puzzle pretty quickly but I did not see that coming at all!

All in all, life is good.  The only downfall of the day is that my glasses finally gave out and are now in three unfixable pieces!  I would have to be a wizard to put these bad boys back together.  I guess the bright side is that I have been procrastinating the new eye exam after the one I made and waited a month for was with the wrong kind of doctor due to the fact that the receptionist misinformed me, dear woman!

So I write this totally blind, as I cannot see very well without them!  My son accompanied me for a walk to the store today so I would not get run over crossing the street!  I hope it is okay and that I don't miss anything.  I am sure you will all forgive me if I do or else point it out if it is that critical!

Have a great evening!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Today I am focusing on only good, because as I just read "You cannot have a positive life with a negative mind!"  As my goal is to be a happy and positive person I will try harder to focus on all the good and positive things instead of over thinking, over worrying and over questioning myself and things which are beyond my control!

Already this day has blessed me with the first tea on my deck with the nice breeze and warm sunshine waking me up, open windows, and just being alive and grateful for it!  The potting of the avocado pit which is blessing me with a firm main stalk and good healthy roots and fresh outbreak of leaves, along with the planting of a bulb which I force bloomed from the church, which gave me great pleasure in watching!  (Always a fan of nature and science combined!)

Finding through Google search an author I read a couple of years ago from a very limited search without title or author name ~ how cool is that?  Cooler still was discovering that we share the same birthday, although he is one year older than me, with early birthday greetings and communication with S.G. Browne, all of the way from California!  I love the Internet!  My first published author interaction!

Yesterday, taking out the third and final book to the trilogy I read over the weekend, and having almost completed it delightfully and deliciously enjoying every word, as a good book has the power to take me out of my awkward moments and breath renewed life into my weary soul!

Checking email and finding that yes, the Second Season to Veronica Mars which I reserved is in so that perhaps +Sunday Brunch will come over and watch with me, as she got me started in the first place and with luck will forgive me for watching the final episode on Sunday to Season One to remove myself from  my funk.  That the final ( I hope not) Game of Thrones book also came in, and considering how my need to read is overpowering everything else, (except the necessary responsibilities)!

Also, my new understanding after an hour conversation on a different way to look at certain things which have been bothering me, and a little tweak to my thinking and some new tools to help me understand and more fully clarify and define my relationships and said necessary boundaries to them which are necessary for my own personal survival!

Dishes done, laundry done, all work, now the play!  Time to enhance my day with a new and renewed positive outlook!  Priceless!

Monday, April 8, 2013


I seem to have misplaced my confidence recently.  I am not sure where it went or why it picked this particular time in my life to take a vacation.  I wish it brought me wherever it went!  Not being one of the most confident and self assured person on the planet, having found confidence and recognizing its absence is a huge step on the bright side!

I am not sure if it is from all of the losses that have come to pass over the past six months, the realizations of my reality, or my general feeling of being stuck in quicksand and sinking slowly into the quagmire without someone on the sidelines with a stick to help pull me out.

I am hoping that it is a short vacation.  I am not sure how much lower I can get, or how long I can endure its absence.  It is really shitty to say the least!  I remember all too well this feeling.  It used to be my constant companion.  Eating away at my very essence.  Draining all the colour and light, turning me from a vibrant oil painting to a faded pencil drawing.

Fortunately for me, my toolbox is not as empty as it was long ago.  I do have the tools and the ability to tread water, while I sort this out.  Make changes, adapt to changes that have already been made, slap myself across the face a few times and snap out of it!  I used to be a strong swimmer, and I hope I can tread water long enough for this to pass, because we all know that the only constant is change.

I know that there is no magic wand, and no one is going to wave it around and poof - everything will be all better.  It is all within me.  As it is within you as well, if you feel this way as well.  I am thankful for the sun shining brightly today and the warmth expected to be generated from this great orb.

Thankful as well for the library and many books which will possibly help me to distract myself from the way I feel inside these days.  Falling into other worlds, people, and situations which are not my own.  The Blues will not get me out of this one, no matter how deep they go or how lovely they are.

I refuse to let uncertainty and fear win.  I am determined, so all is not lost.  I am so not in denial or sticking my head in the sand and hoping that it will just go away on its own.  I will survive and overcome and with luck and purpose come out stronger, wiser and more confident.  I have come too far not to come out on top!

Saturday, April 6, 2013


It was a wonderfully warm April evening with the sun still shining brightly as I made my way to the Lichtenstein Gallery, always my first stop during first Friday Artwalk, usually, because it is so cold and I need a place to warm up and it is the closest exhibit from my house! 

No need to warm up last night though and the annual BAA Fellowship Show was underway with work by Berkshire based College Art Students.  All of the art submissions were amazingly awesome to view, and a couple of artists really caught my eye including but not limited to Deena Bak, Jocelyn Fifield, Dell Fontaine, Stephanie Owyang and Louise C. Smith just to name a few!  The show is going  on through April 27, so if you are in the area do stop in to check out the works by these up and coming artists!  I cannot wait to see who wins!

After the Lichtenstein, I wandered over to the Shops at Crawford Square to check out local landscapes by my High School Art Teacher Morris Bennett, I was pleased with the landscapes and with saying hello and chatting with Mr. Bennett and his wonderful wife before the room got swamped with more art appreciators!  I was unaware Mr. Bennett did landscapes and I loved them all!  In school he was always working on abstract art - which I am a huge fan of!

I made a bee- line down the corridor and saw all new work by Mr. Webber of his works my two favorites were "Lenox Hills with Silos" and Greylock Valley, which made me homesick for New Ashford!  Just beyond his work I fell in love with Anne Pasko's "Blackie".

I was however there to check out one of my favourite local artists, Scott Taylor who was up on the second floor in a new location showing his art in the wonderful office suite of Decades of Holistic Wellness, also a new place to see work this month.  Up the stairs and throughout the suite were amazing, bright and colourful works which is Scott Taylor's trademark.  Loving the Daisies in Blue Pots, Spring and Purple Pansies - just to name a few.  I sampled a bite of cheese and waited to speak to Mr. Taylor who had a nice little crowd around him, including Susan Geller and Ty Jackson of Big Head Books.  

Last month Scott Taylor, who I usually see in his studio, was working on a commission painting, which he finished.  He mailed me a couple of days prior to this show to tell me his studio would be closed and his location for this month, and gave me the heads up on Morris Bennett as well.  While I was at his show he let me know that he had left the commissioned painting in the hallway at NU Arts Gallery, one of my regular stops so that I might see it.  I felt honoured at both the personal email and his having it on display so I could check it out!  

On my way out the door, I saw one of my old schoolmates Mom's and reintroduced myself to her, although once I said my name she remembered me immediately   We chatted for a moment or two and she told me about a gallery I had never been to before, so I made a dash and semi backtracked back towards the Lichtenstein to Downtown Pittsfield, Inc.

"I saw a Spectacle,
Once Upon a time,
Then wondered 
If I'd Had,
A long time past It's Happening
In Art there is no Consequence"

These words graced the entrance of  the exhibit at Downtown Pittsfield, Inc., artist featuring Candice Cimini-Farrell for her show called  "Spectacle:  In Art There is no Consequence" where I viewed some amazing oils and acrylics by aforementioned artist where I viewed "Hangman", Ryken Sound, Blue Wallow and Allison River, just to name a few.  I had never seen work by this artist before and it was a wonderful show with the artist in attendance looking marvelous!   

I had never been in the Downtown Pittsfield Inc Gallery, I was somehow, unaware that it was there even though I walk past there a few times a week!  I loved the artist work and although I did not sample the fare (me pass up a chocolate tasting?!!!)  I did enjoy the music being played by "The Tablesaw Acoustic Band" and will be enjoying the free container of Berkshire Mountain Mamas Wicked Body Butter, which also claims to be an all natural bug repellant!

While at the NU Arts Studio and Gallery the first artist I saw was Diane Firtell and we chatted for a few minutes and I looked at her new collection of cards which she had just finished!  So bright and colorful and delicious to my senses!  Pleased to see a new beautiful painting on the wall, which she tells me is a series of 7 in which she has already sold 5!  Congrats!!!

On my way there I stopped in at the Berkshire Community College Intermodel Gallery and saw a collection of work by Jim Squires, Emrys Yetz, Wayne Kickery and Brad Briggs.  I really liked three pieces there, however they were untitled and no artists were credited so all I can say is the Sawblade, the Wolf and the Orange fish were my favs there!

So much great art to see and I do so look forward each and every first Friday to attend this wonderful event!    There is so much amazing work to see and artists whom I didn't even mention here.  The displays will be up all month to enjoy!  I highly recommend the visit to North Street and a visit to any and all of the businesses which will be showing the works in their stores!  

I walked home in the fading sunlight still warm at 7:00 after a most enjoyable evening!  My thirst for art quenched for yet another month after such a long March!  I cannot wait for May!

Friday, April 5, 2013


I am working on a new writing project so I have been balancing my time on two fronts and trying to keep focused on life at home in the real world as well.  I have not published any of it.  I do not think it will be anything like what I am currently writing here on this blog.  I will keep you posted.

With the arrival of a 50 degree (two nice days in a row!!!)  I am excited!  It is also First Friday Artwalk here in Pittsfield this evening so I am trying to get my work done here in order to get out for 5:00 to enjoy the exhibits.  I cannot wait as it is the highlight of my month to see who and what is out in the Art world.

Yesterday, I got a great laugh when my phone rang in the afternoon and one of my friends asked me why I wasn't answering my door.  (He claimed to be knocking on my backdoor.)  There were no knocks on my door so I was thinking he must be at the other apartment, so I went outside and looked over to their backdoor and my friend was not there, I walked around the back of my house to my deck, still no one was around my house, so I phoned him back and got voice mail.  Then I called out his name, cuz he was not visible.

No answer, then my phone rang and I walked to the front of my house and looked over to the house next door and saw him at my other neighbors house!  I was cracking up - he is a funny guy anyway and had only been to my house once, it was at night and he found it fine, he hung out briefly with me and my Dad, who is a good friend of his while we were playing WII.

I laughed so hard I almost fell over when he was at the wrong house!  To be honest, the house next door looks exactly like my house, so it was an honest mistake!  I am surprised my neighbor didn't answer his door while my friend was knocking on it and point him in the right direction!

It was a nice visit.  Totally unexpected and fun.  That is what I love about nice weather, people getting out, enjoying the day, visiting and being visited.  As I prepare to go explore the world of sunshine today, I am a little sad, as it would be a perfect day for an extra long walk with my dog if he were still with me!  Oh well!  I have to shift my focus on the world that is open to me now, not the one that tied me down in the past!

I am off now to hurry around to get ready to explore what adventures await me in the course of my travels today!  I wish you all great adventures as well!  Get out into the world and make the best of it!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


One thing I have come to realize about myself is when I am pondering, as I do, my brain ponders in the background and until I work through what I am pondering and get a viable understanding in my head, I function, but on a lower level, depending on the depth and weight of what I am pondering.

I get pretty introspective and less intense than usual.  It is funny to see the reactions by those who don't know me that well, meaning everyone except my children.  I have been in a heavy pondering state now since my encounter with my family at my great Aunt's funeral.  It seems my closer friends think that I am either ignoring them or that what is bothering me has something to do with them.  Neither of these things are correct.

It has done wonders with my productivity and creativity though.  It seems the more that I have on  my mind the more active I get.  I have crocheted endless rows on my blanket I am making and if I continue at this rate it will be finished in another week!

If it were warmer outside I would have walked myself skinny by now, but I have an aversion to very cold and windy weather.  Yesterday I was planning a big walk to the supermarket, but was lucky to make it the three blocks to the little stores to pick up the bare essentials I needed to make it through the day!

I am not going to start complaining about the weather however.  Enough people are doing that!  I am just sending my hopes out into the universe that when the warm weather arrives that it is so hot that I have to be half naked to endure it and get a marvelous tan!

I am thankful that the heat is included in my rent.  It is so very nice to be warm.  I do not abuse the inclusion of heat included, and am not walking around in shorts as I am a frugal person even though I do pay for the heat year round.

I have noticed around here by observation and from talking to landlords that people keep the heat up and open windows instead of turning down the heat!  That is ridiculous!  My last three apartments, people thought nothing of leaving shared front doors and windows opened in their apartments!  I do not understand that at all and they paid for their own heat!

I am currently watching my bulbs sprout and flower.  I recently planted an avocado pit and have a main stem and leaves growing off of it.  I get really bored and love science, so I do silly things like this to occupy my time.  I know from research that I will probably not get any fruit off of it, but it is really cool to watch a tree grow out of a pit!    It is a first for me!

My roses, sadly are not doing well, and I have green on my main rose plant which I have been nurturing since 2008.    I usually have a knack for growing mini roses into big beautiful plants which produce year round  flowers.  Since the "mold" encounter however I am barely managing to keep it bountiful.  It saddens me! I am working with three rose plants that were a gift in the fall, however they are all dried up stems and no green yet!  I have not given up yet!  I really do want some purple roses again this year!

On a more positive note, my orchid plant sprouted a baby plant off of the main plant, and I have taken the initiative to separate the two and it has been more than a week and neither one of them have died!  That is encouraging   Perhaps now I will get a flower stem on the main one.  That would really make my year, as this is my first experience with orchids!

I am also having great luck with my  huge Aloe plant that my friend Di gave me.  I have had to repot a couple of the plants in this monster Aloe and they are all doing well!  It sure does beat catching the flies that I have been chasing around for two months and seeing how long it takes for them to die in an airtight container (less than two unless my girl Sunday lets air in to extend their lives!)

The science of homemade chocolate failed me the other day.  I have a couple of reasons why I think my chocolate, which tastes fine, but which is not setting properly did not work exactly, but I have a few ideas and I will be trying it again at a later date.  Live and learn is my motto for sure!  If you fail, then try it again but differently.

Monday, April 1, 2013


I set some pretty high standards and limits for myself in most respects because I am trying to reshape the structure of my life and make different choices and hope for different, more positive results for the future.  Not that my standards and limits were low, but my outcomes are always the same.  Faces may change, but in the end the story is the same.

It gets old, and very frustrating to be straightforward and honest, perhaps too much so and to expect the same.  Just as human beings I think we owe each other that at the very least.  But I am a gullible and have a childlike trust.  No one is real anymore, and it is a shame.  It makes it tricky to know who to trust, what to believe and even really to the extent of wanting to shut down and isolate and forget humans altogether.  If only!!

But that we know is unrealistic.  Been there, done that.  If I were rich and could live on my own private island then maybe, but alas, that we all know is never going to happen at least not in this lifetime!  So the quest continues on working on being observant, aware, trust ~ but not too much, not lose faith.

My problem is that I am feeling the sameness of my life and while I have met some of my goals, others still are frustrating me, as they are not able to be remedied immediately.  So that nagging voice in my head is trying to make me feel inadequate as a human being in an area where I have made progress yet still need to work on!

Overall I know that this is just a bump in my road.  The day was grey, I got stuck walking in the rain, and then the snow while I was wet.  I really just wanted to be home relaxing yet life was calling.  Priorities and responsibilities always come first.