Saturday, September 29, 2012

Finding A zone

So instead of focusing on the negative, which is something that I have been striving to do for many years now, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding, because really what is the point of being negative?  Negative breeds negative.  That is so true.  Trust me, do not go out and test that one if you are curious.  My negative just bred anger and hate.  Anger I did not see unless I was destroying telephones, and hate for myself.  My solution was to avoid it, remove it from my life or forget about it.  Running away was a favorite but children,possessions and responsibility prevented me from running away as I got older.

I have been trying to focus on happy, positive, and productive things.  Trying to get my life in order in order to correct things which happened which were beyond my control.  I have moved five times since 2008 and for the first time I feel somewhat settled and at home since I lost my home.  That is huge.  For the first time in four years I have put pictures up on the wall in the living room.  First time I have felt like I am going forward.

I have been volunteering for some different places and events and meeting new people.  I have been doing things which I always wanted to do but felt too self conscious to do.  Normal, ordinary things.

So different, so outside of my very necessary comfort zone.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Some intimate details

I found this today and feel it is appropriate because for one it sums me up.  Every fucking word of it including the "fucks".  

As I said in a previous post, I am trying to shift my perspective as a person who has lived and stored bad memories of my hometown for many years.  I thankfully had peaceful country and woods to explore on my own when I alienated/felt alienated; alone and totally cool with all of that.

You see, my favorite thing in the world is the world.  I walk out my door and instead of looking at the dirt and grime and ugly and sometimes disgusting; I focus on the sun, the birds, the flowers.  I love the people who are walking their dogs who don't mind me stealing pets to replace my faithful companion.  I accept the looks from people who don't respond to my hello's when I walk down the road of life and gratefully stop and  chat with those who do.  It restores my faith in mankind.  Common courtesy.

Those who know me know this about me.  I recently freaked out a young man in a wheelchair whom I didn't know by asking him why he doesn't say hello when I say hello to him.  He responded by saying that he didn't know me, so I introduced myself and now he says hello!

I believe that we are all strangers until we acknowledge and know one another.  I for one believe in talking to strangers.  I have met a lot of really nice people that way.  It is funny since I am an introverted extrovert.  True to form I am a walking contradiction.

A stranger whom I approached due to a curiosity about a presentation which he had done at the Museum asked me, after I read his blog/story what kind of person would be interested in the work he is creating, (which is marvelous and I look forward everyday for the entries) it is due to that question - what kind of person am I? ( My answer to him was "hmm, that is going to take a minute - I am a complex individual".
Which is true.)  That is what began my exploration into me and this blog.

It got me to thinking.  I perceive myself one way.  Someone else sees me differently.  I know the things I have done, raising kids, working, recovering from accidents.  I don't really know the answer to that.  My new friend Dianne - at that same presentation described me as one of the most exotic women she knows, ohh la la, I love it!  Did I mention I wasn't even aware that I was going to be in her presentation!!!

In answer to that question I guess I am in discovery of who I am.  I am an ever evolving person who is in transition, metamorphosis.  I do know that no matter how challenging life got as a single mom raising three boys, that I never compromised my self.  I made some bad choices at times.  I only regret not taking college prep in order to piss off my mother.  I regret discarding my intelligence and not pursuing things when I was younger.   As my boys leave home, two out of three, I have to re-adjust.  It is difficult.  I feel the loss.  They think I am silly.  I have been a responsible, dedicated hardworking Mother for over twenty seven years.

I do have dreams and hopes and plans.  I do hope that what I planned on doing when the kids were grown happens.  I always wanted to live.  To me it was never to be here.  My journey begins on the road destination unknown.  The world is so large and there is much I want to see and do!

One of the things that I have been working on is not being a recluse.  I am a person who knows a million people but who no one knows.  I am overcoming my fears in a place that I fear and loathe.  I am trying.  I look forward to the future.  I am thankful and grateful to the people who are on my journey WITH me!

Friday, September 21, 2012

My youngest son Thomas and I moved back to Pittsfield in 2008.  We lived in our house in the country for 7 years, as I think I mentioned before.  It has been a huge adjustment after living in my own house in the country.

 I had two bedrooms I could choose from besides my kids room, they had the whole second floor. I have a habit of moving rooms completely around.  The kids would go to school in the morning and come home and rooms would be moved to another location.

 I remember one day they  while they were gone I decided to rearrange their room as their Dad was coming over and they had a mattress on the floor that he slept on.  He visited them regularly and they hung out in their room except for dinner and bathroom, needless to say, it wasn't really fair to Bruce and it looked bad as far as I was concerned.

So I set it up really nice and cool, everything accessible to everyone, Patrick had his beloved corner for his bed and Bruce's bed was off the floor - and it looked really awesome - then they came home - forget all the work I did - the comfort for their Dad, the feng shui - (they were pre-teen and  just barely a teenager at the time; and they are boys!)  they didn't even look AT the room they just noticed it was different and they protested!!  They hated it!

The next day while they were at school I moved the room back around (minus the mattress on the floor - that was now a bed on a real frame, which was at the other end of the room, but, being lazy children, they didn't deem it necessary to put it up for Dad).  So they come home from school, they go upstairs to their room and say to me - wow - you moved it back - we really liked the room the way you had it!!!!

 Good bad and in between those were without a doubt the most happiest times that I have ever had as a parent with Thomas and Patrick, and the rest of my "children".  I think that is why it is so difficult re-adjusting to a place that I previously had more bad memories than good ones.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I was a happy little girl.  These are a couple of my friends when I was a Brownie.  I have very distant memories of these days but remember the happiness well.  When I was in third grade we moved away from my friends, in the same city, but it was a world or two away from the life that I had with my Mom and Dad and younger brother.

My friend Regina shared this picture with me when we reconnected as adults after not seeing each other for a long time.  She was my best friend, along with Sherman Austin, who lived next door to me.

I didn't even realize that Janice and I were in Brownies together until this photo and my spotty memory.  I wish I had known through Junior High and High School cuz we knew each other - I worry that she thinks I was just a snob instead of a person with a memory problem- along with most of the people that got erased from my brain!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

My Dad

This is my Dad, Dave.  He likes the Red Sox and fishing, driving, eating and WII Fitness.  He is a funny guy!  My parents got divorced when I was younger and my parents "hate" each other.  My mother was mean and wouldn't let me and my brother see our Dad when we were children.  I did anyway.  I don't like rules that don't make sense.  I think perhaps that is why I am anti- injustice.  If that is even an anti!  If it isn't I just created it.

My brother did not break the rules so I used to trick him so my Dad could see him and he could see our Dad.  I love my brother!  He has a son, so I have one nephew Sammy Doodle!  I love Sam, yet, like my brother I never see him, they live in  Connecticut.  He is almost a grown man now, a teenager!  Time flies!

I have three sons, the funny thing, my boys are all 4 years apart, and Sam is 4 years younger than my youngest son, now there is a math word problem, if Jeff is 27, and Sam is 15, how old are Thomas ( my youngest son) and Patrick (my middle son)?  Ha!  I suppose in order to get the answer accurately, I should say that Jeff will be 28 in February, which is just around the corner!  Time really flies!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I really like to cook (and read) for Christmas my Dad gave me an awesome spice rack with so many spices that I have no idea how to use!  Thanks Dad!  Good thing I love to read cookbooks!  I am learning a lot about spices!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Introduction to me...

So this is me and my dog Simba last year when we went on our great adventure to Bucksport Maine to visit an old classmate.  He was such a great companion and traveled the 7 plus hours (minus the stops for pee breaks and exercise).  He was a rescue who I loved and still love but do not have anymore due to circumstances I cannot control and I miss him!  Look at the love in his beautiful face!!!  My baby!  He was actually my son's first dog whom he agreed to love and take care of forever - which was after high school when he left home to go live with his Dad and left Simba with my youngest son Tom and myself in our home in the country.
So I just found this blog again after a long while.  Updated my profile picture of me and my much missed dog Simba.  This is all new to me and I do not know what to expect, work in progress so expect more soon.