Thursday, November 29, 2012


Greetings everyone!

I am very happy and surprised to have such a varied audience reading my blog!  I never really expected anyone to read it at all, so imagine my surprise and delight when I looked at my stats and had over 800 page views - it seems like just two weeks ago I was almost at 500 page views!

With the holiday and all the celebrating and feasting over the past week with some 13 + people over three days I have been very blessed.  Blessed to be able to share what I do have with those who have not the family or the ability to have their own celebration.  I always welcome and feel honored to have many people at my table, scheduled or not!

To me that is what life is about!  I am also thankful for being able to accept the help from my friends, for the voice to ask and the people to ask for the help be it a roll of t.p and a bar of soap when there is no cash in the house for anything!  Thank you!  Less and less do I feel like I am on an island alone and lost, stranded in a boat without a paddle!

I would also like to address a few comments that I have received, one in particular, Richard - I am working on sharing more about myself - my childhood, my marriage and such, I do have awesome, funny and sometimes traumatic events in my life.  It makes for a slow process of sharing for me as I have to be careful not to set my progress back.  You see, I am a very private person, one thing you may not realize as I am sharing so much of myself on these pages.

A month or so ago when I was getting ready for my son to visit with his family and we had out the pictures - which I enjoy looking at and remembering my life by, seeing the boys in various ages and stages, the lives we have lived and the people we have known and in some cases no longer know.  The pain and the pleasure.  The pain still overwhelms me at times.  It triggers memories upon memories upon memories.  In my life I am not so fortunate to have one bad thing happen and deal with it - they come in multi-packs for me like a raging river trying to drown me!

Fortunately for me, in my work on  myself since 1999, when I made it my job as part of my recovery from my multiple auto accidents - having the time and the inclination, and also having acknowledged out loud the issues that I had been trying to not acknowledge to myself or any other human beings and having learned some tools along the way so that I don't completely lose my mind and so that I could relearn all of the other emotions besides sadness, pain and anger which dominated most of my life yet which did not take away my ability to see the silver lining or the sun on a dark day!

I made a promise to a very special lady, Lydia, whom I worked with for eight year that I would not regress that I would always strive to go further ahead and not behind.  I also told about my plans to write a book and that is tricky - some of the things that I need to say I can not even right down on paper - my brain prevents me still from remembering some things.

So do know Richard - that I am working on it!  I have to battle the brain!!  Unlock the puzzle!  I am confident that I can and will do this!  Thanks for your interest, your patience and your understanding!  Most of all thank you for your support!  I feel blessed and my smile is large and real!


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Work in Progress

I, like most people really like the up times.  In the up times bothers are not as bothersome, solutions come easily.  Life is good.  Life is good until it is bad then it gets very, very bad.  Dark skies and pain even on sunny days.  Everyday, common problems become difficult to solve, chaos and confusion close at hand.

Life has been very interesting for me full of ups and downs.  To say that at times, my refusal to accept situations to the point of overlooking many things causes me more problems in my life than I need would be a huge understatement.  It leads me to realize, as I write this that I am my own worst enemy!

I am content with the person that I have always been, despite the bumps in the road.  I am enjoying breaking the ties that have kept me down, trapped inside myself, stuck in such a place - such a lonely painful place.  To say that life is perfect would be a stretch.

I accept responsibility for my actions, even when it is hard to do so.  I do not lie.  I am kind to people.  I am misunderstood at times.  Most people like me, although a few do not.  It used to bother me.  I don't care anymore.  They are not me.  I find that most people who don't like me are lacking the things that I have naturally.  I am not a front or a fake,  although I used to hide and try to be invisible.

I still feel like a young adult even though I am middle aged.  I like to say that my children are getting older, not me.  Although sometimes I feel like I have been on the planet for 100 years.  Perhaps I have just been here reliving my lesson that I need to learn and failing.  This may actually be the life that I learn the lesson in.  I sure hope so!

I feel that I have been learning and growing as a person.  Living in my small little world, one in which the rest of the world simply did not exist.  I did not follow news, politics etc.  I still keep it to a minimum.  I like good news and that is few and far between.

I like art and books and unicorns.  I collect all kinds of things.  I want to have a room just for my books, it is my dream to have a library someday.  I dream of traveling and seeing with my own eyes everything I want to see!  It will be a long trip, the world is a big place and I am very curious.  I like to buy myself flowers, yet now that I have no money I pick them in season and fill my vases.  They are their for the taking to enhance and beautify.  I grow mini roses so that I can have flowers year round.  They make me feel good.

I believe that life is what you make it.  It is a journey, an adventure or it is work and repetition - dull unhappy people stuck in their dull and unhappy lives.  I am a worrier who prefers to have nothing to worry about.  A gypsy who has been waiting to be free.

I am a simple woman, my needs are few.  When I am happy the world is a better place!  I am a work in progress.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Taking Things for Granted

Wow - it has been an interesting couple of weeks here to say the least!  Sorry that I have been unable to share with you while I have been living through these shifts in life with family and friends along with my own personal response/reactions and new evidence of growth!

I have been very sad dealing with separation and possible loss of friends and family.  Sad that I again am accepting my Dad and his choices to make his mistakes and live his life and leave me yet again, which doesn't get easier as I get older.  I don't know if he doesn't think, doesn't listen or just doesn't understand that love doesn't survive all and blood isn't always thicker than water.

He has always marched to the beat of a different drum - which I condemn him for not at all.  I worry - he seems to be taken advantage of more and more by his friends which disturbs me to see.  He realized it with one of his friends and another one swept in to cause a rift between us so that he could use my Dad with no interference from me.

I am supposed to sit by and wait until my Dad realizes it - something he knows but still allows to go on - for friendship, for ?  I have no idea!  The worst part for me is that I have to listen to my Dad when he has five minutes away from these people that is.  All he does is talk about them and how wonderful these people are - they are not wonderful.  He drives his friends and barely makes gas money.  Now he is involved in some wood scheme where his friend will make a boat load of money and my Dad will work for a bowl of soup!
Hearing my Dad talk about these "friends" for me is like fingernails on a chalk board!

On a positive note,  I am very happy to say that my friend and I who have known each other for just over a year, and who I was afraid that I had made a poor judgement on and whom I felt had no compassion and I have made a major step!

She read my blog and figured out that Houston - we have a problem here, she saw beyond herself, read my words, and understood where I was coming from, and a clearer image of who I am and why I am me.  We were able to express to each other in words - verbally where each other was coming from.  I for one get tongue tied and twisted when I get anxious or nervous  and sound like an idiot and cannot get out what I want to clearly with the things that are most important to me!  It is easier to walk away and not think about things.  I express myself much more clearly with the written word.

I never had a friend who looked out for me, as stated I believe in an earlier post,  my relationships tend to go the other way, so I was not even aware that she thought that I was being treated poorly by the young men in my life, by young men I mean my boys, and was trying to defend me as a friend.  I on the other hand thought that she was a shallow person and not worthy of being my friend because she couldn't understand why I would allow my child to speak to me in the manner he was speaking to me, even knowing the young man just had gotten news of his Dad having brain cancer.  Since each of these things were foreign to the other it caused a problem for me.

I never realized or saw until this conversation that we had that we all have our issues.  She keeps hers very well hidden also.  I know that she is a wonderful person, no doubt about it, but I never realized the pain she carries.  She is very strong and bubbly and fashionable and led an amazing life!  The insecure me wonders what she sees in me as a person at all!  I bring nothing but me to the table!  Her friends are all movers and shakers and doers.  I am just a disabled ex marketer/mom.

The experience was very enlightening for each of us!  My heart swelled up!  She said she had been taking me for granted.  I for one am unfamiliar with the labeling of the act, but have been there in every relationship. Not realizing that my pain stems from such an act as being taken for granted when I try not to take anything - especially the people in my life for granted.  Somehow I have convinced myself that you have to love people just because, even when they do treat you poorly.  I do not accept that any more.

I explained to her that I was trying to re-teach  my self from my normal responses, which with all of the negative  reinforcement I have gotten from my early childhood through my teen years and into my adult years to the present.

I told you all this was a personal that is most important to me - a person who is put down doesn't have normal responses to normal everyday situations.  I am so guilty of that, my normal course would not have been to have a conversation and gain understanding and learn and assess whether the relationship was worth it.  I have been in such unhealthy relationships that I stayed in just to have the relationship my whole life.  The need to be loved regardless of the quality of love.

Sadly, my children are keen observers.  My boys told me about ten years ago that I wasn't allowed to date because the same thing always happen - the men are the same - they don't contribute to our lives, they are bloodsucking vampires that drain the life and love out of life.  Which is true, the faces change, but the brand is always the same.  Which is also why I choose to be single and celibate 

I am learning to love myself so that one day when my prince does come I will be open and ready.  (Yes, secretly I do believe  in love and true love at that!  I secretly hope that even I am worthy of it.  Even if it means walking alone I refuse to settle for anything less ever again!)

My youngest son, whom I live with, listens to me and observes my ranting and frustration, the more frustrated the more I rant - I was raised by an Italian - we are expressive!!!!  He, after seeing my friend and I reunite our friendship, had the nerve to call me two faced.

He can't understand how she and I can still be friends because of this.  Explain to a 19 year old boy that adults talk and can rectify a situation.  It is not really normal to burn bridges.  I am now faced with trying to explain it to him in words.  It is very frustrating being a parent who cares.  So my work is cut out for me to say the least!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Breaking Barriers

I didn't realize how seriously watching "The Little Princess" with Shirley Temple - really watching the whole thing would affect me yesterday morning.  It really shook me to the core.  It brought up a lot of deep stuff from my childhood and my life for that matter.

I have seen this movie at least 20 times in my 45 years.  Always I have been entertained by it, warmed by it, and generally felt good by watching it.  I was yesterday without a doubt, until when she found her father and he was all muddled and dazed and then he came out of it and yeah - remembered her and bamm - happy ending!

When I re-found my Dad as a teenager I was happy, but getting forgotten repeatedly for other peoples children when you have your own, and set aside and left again over and over again gets old and less easy.  Forgiveness is easy.  Regretting forgiveness is difficult.  And when it happens over and over and over it is maddening!

When my Dad's parents died, my grandparents whom I love and cherish now and forever, until the day I die- my Dad labeled himself an orphan.  I am sorry - I don't believe grown ups are orphans when their parents die, they are adults whose parents have died - correct me if I am wrong!

It surprises me, given the way he feels about the absence of his parents through death - that he never considered his own two beautiful children who loved him more than words can express, whom he left so easily and seemed to forget about and smoke weed and party and  travel across the country with his money and his love with his friends and his friends are the world, but where are they now - dead, gone, living lives that do not include him.  One postcard, no phone calls, gifts he said he sent that never arrived.

The people who love you when you are a princess, then leave when you are living in an attic with no heat or food.  Fair weather friends never there til the end!  Like I said, it made me feel really sad.

Thankfully, there are people, kind people to remind you that you are still the princess that you were.  The ones who see the light under the smear of ashes and fear.  The people who love you and have been there not just in words but in actions.

Hugs from the son who feels your pain, wipes your tears.  Makes you smile.  True words from an old lover telling you that you were and are the best person, friend and lover and they have never found anyone quite like you even after 15 years, someone who listens to your words, lets you cry, feels your pain and tries to claim the blame when they don't own it and truly understand your need to just say the words out loud so the pain can go away.  Someone who doesn't just call to say, hey are you okay, but calls from outside your house to make sure you are and who makes sure you are okay!

Don't get me wrong, I have put my kids second once or twice.  Mainly as a single parent working too many hours out of town for the bigger bucks, but they had pre-arranged care with their dad or my parents, I always knew where they were and they always knew where I was, there was always food and the house and clothes were clean and we were organised.

The bonus was when I came back - and I was home every night regardless - I was sometimes too beat to cook dinner so they got treated to restaurant food more than not!  It was necessary - believe me I carry the guilt for being away from them - for time away when I was ready to lose my mind if I stayed around another minute,  for something stupid like a man, but not to the point of neglect and abandonment.  I am not proud of it but I accept that I did it.  They were away from me on their excursions more than I have ever been away from them!

They point it out - remember when - yeah but they know that I was always right there if it was a man, making money if it was a job, coming back if it was a retreat.  They never had to wonder where I was or guess if they would ever see me again.  I would call them and they would call me - anytime - they were priority one.  That is the difference.  They hate it when I point out that entire summer you left to go stay at dad's and I had to find things to do alone!

I love unconditionally.  I am blessed and cursed with that ability.  It is difficult now that my father is 66 and tries to put me in his "mother" role.  I have to tell him - I am not your parent - a bit confusing as a daughter.  Especially a daughter who has been left behind more than once.  I just hope the next time I watch The Little Princess that this is all behind me and I can once again enjoy one of my favorite Shirley Temple movies!

To growth and love and acceptance!  Here, here!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Defaulting on life

It is Friday night and for a change I am staying home.  Lately my friend Mike, who volunteers at a local radio station, has been keeping me really busy checking out local music and even going to NY State to Albany to hear bands.  Last week he dragged me out at the last minute even though I had plans with my bed and t.v.

I used to have to go out when I was younger.  The desire to stay home was nil.  If I didn't go out I would go mad!  In the mid 90's I used to go out with my friend Sharon and hear her and then our favorite band Ruby and although they are no longer around I would still drop everything to go dance to their tunes.

I would have been dancing last Friday night but when we got to the club with the band they went on break and then Mike wanted to go eat ice cream and then surprised me by not going back to dance.  Bummer.  I could have gotten into it!  Timing is everything I guess and priorities also.

I am feeling an urge to get up and dress warmly and just take a walk in the cold November air.  I am feeling restless.  My normal is so out of whack that I don't know what that is anymore!  Up until last year I had no social life outside of my home.  Prior to that my home was the social hub.  Each situation takes getting used to and I cannot decide if I like to leave my house or not for real anymore.

Up until May the only reason I had for leaving my house was my son's doctors appointments, the library for his tutoring, shopping or walking the dog three to five times a day.  Now I have to force myself to leave the house for any reason.  It is a catch 22.

This day has been a roller coaster!  I woke up tired and spent to go and stand out in the freezing cold to get food at the food pantry.  My money doesn't cover everything and I am not too proud to take handouts of food.  I am thankful that they are there looking out for we less fortunate souls.

I do miss the days, not so long ago when I had a house and credit and credit cards more to the point.  At least then when the money ran out there was an alternate source of funding.  Not that I am frivolous and live outside my means.  I managed my finances and such amazingly well for a single mom with three kids.  A++ credit is a thing of the past since the recession and a bad refinancing.  I accept responsibility for my end of it. The one where I defaulted on my life.

Getting out of this mess, knowing where to begin is hard.  Since my normal practice is to stand still and do nothing when you know not what to do, I did that.  Now standing still I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and it is rising fast.

I read a book from the library on bankruptcy for dummies.  I wasn't really too sure until I consulted an attorney what really counted as property and valuables.  I have a lot of things but none are valuable.  They are trinkets from my past lives.  Memories and markers.  A whole lot of nothing.  Made me feel better and worse.  Since my income is Disability it cannot be attached - thank god for small favors - but since I have limited income I don't have the money to hire an attorney to file for me.  I am confident that I can figure it out on my own with that silly book.  I know that I am not going to be able to move forward until I accomplish this task.

My New Years Resolution prior to New Year is to take care of this matter.  I am never going to be happy until I correct the error that I made and do this.  I would love to be able to answer my phone again and not be afraid to open my mail.  It is time.  So wish me luck.  Pray for me to have the strength to begin this major undertaking.

I am going to by-pass the walk and do what I should have done last Friday evening and get into my p.j.'s and climb into bed.  No good can come from wandering out into this cold November evening the way I feel right now!

I rarely get down and yet, in this moment I am so very sad and can't think of one positive or inspirational thing to say.  I guess the upside would be that I have decided to tackle a major undertaking which I have put off for 4 years now.  I do hope that my procrastination has not caused me any problems I am unaware of.  It can only help to correct this situation - right?!?

Maybe there will be an awesome classic movie on when I go upstairs!  I do appreciate you all for joining me on my journey!  I love seeing all of the people and places who are reading my blog.  It excites me to see new readers from different countries!  I am like an excited child when I check my stats.  Thank you all for taking the time to get to know me!

It is huge for me to share as I have always hidden myself.  It is so different living in the light rather than the shadows!  Thank you all again!

Peace and love!


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Holiday Traditions

With Thanksgiving exactly one week away I am getting excited.  I enjoy nothing more than I do cooking.  Holiday meals especially!  I love getting up early and preparing the turkey and resisting the urge to eat anything all day until the feast is ready!

I look back to last year.  One of my sons works in a nursing home and he had a couple of friends who had no where to go so at the last minute we made room at our table for them.  The more the merrier I always say!  No one is going hungry on my watch!  I make more food than necessary!

Patrick's friends decided that since they work in the kitchen they had the gravy covered - they came in the kitchen and basically threw me out and made a disastrous mess - me - I don't believe in "canned" gravy   Gravy is one of my specialties.  The boys will not be messing with my gravy this year!  I do not know what they did, but there was no salvaging it.  We all tried to eat it - tried being the keyword here!

I am a spontaneous person.  Lord only knows what this holiday will bring!  My friend Jennet tried to hi-jack us to have the holiday at her house this year.  I just can't do it.  It has been a tradition since the beginning of time in my family to have the holiday together.

When I was younger we always went to my Mom's parents house for the holiday with my Aunt and Uncles, Grandparents and whatever cousins were in the area - usually myself, my brother and Adam.  My mother used to make a big deal about it - preventing me from having my own celebration with my own "family".

Since those days are long past - the tradition is the meal at my house.  My son's and their Dad's, my Dad, myself and whomever is alone are welcome!  My son's would not even hear of breaking tradition!   I taught them about traditions by example and practice!   In this day and age keeping tradition is important.

 This year we may be having a new guest who is totally vegetarian.  Not really understanding completely the different types of vegetarian I asked her what her tradition is now that she is vegetarian - her Aunt (family lives in Philly) makes her homemade macaroni and cheese.  I for one am a huge fan of  homemade macaroni and cheese.  My stepfather used to make it for us and we loved it!  My sons do not like it.  They will eat that box stuff!  I refuse to call that macaroni and cheese!  I am looking forward to adding a new dish to my Thanksgiving table!

Time passes quickly.  Before you know it they will be making their own traditions and plans.  My eldest son, is married and his wife works the holiday but they go to her families and celebrate.  I am thankful that he has a warm and loving family who have welcomed him into their family!  They are awesome!

Soon enough they all will have families and hopefully - until I die it will be a tradition to go to Mom's for the holiday feast!  I am counting down the days to Thursday!  I am thankful for my family and friends around my table and in my life!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I am almost ashamed of myself.  I admit this because it is true and because I was almost walked away from a true friend because I thought she had no compassion or understanding.  I am so used to negative relationships and negative actions from those people in my past that I  labeled her.  I  judged her lack of understanding based on the assumption that she lacked the compassion with the facts presented to her.

I was wrong.  I freely admit that yes, I am occasionally wrong.  I have been conditioned in my life to walk away or to be left behind.  Or more to the point - to walk away instead of being left yet again.  Having no healthy relationships to base a healthy relationship on it is hard to realize that not everyone is out to use and hurt you!

I am working on myself as you all know.  I don't understand a protective friend.  She didn't understand that I am a Mom through and through - one that makes allowances and allows freedom of speech in my home - how can I say "Hey - you are being an ass" and not allow - in the name of communication and expression -  and not allow another have the freedom to call me an ass?  Not in meanness mind you - not in anger.

When my child or children are exploding inside I know.  We don't have secrets - not too many now that we are all adults.  I value my son's observations of my interactions.  They have known me a long time and are more aware of me than I am.

Expression of emotions were not tolerated in my house when I was growing up.  I wasn't allowed to cry or be sad when my Dad called and I missed him.  I was picked on for feeling anything.  I learned not to feel things.  Somehow I was still able to see the silver lining, however faint it was.  If one wasn't there I found one or retreated into books.

I made a decision when I became a parent to do it to the best of my ability.  I raised my kids in reality.  We didn't live in a sugar coated world - life is hard enough to believe it is going to be easy.  I raised my children with love, laughter, and good food.  I allowed them to be independent, responsible young men.  I allowed them to be themselves and never be afraid to express themselves.  A bottled up emotion is like a bomb that can go off at anytime.

I have been that bomb.  My children have watched me out of control and exploding.  I am not proud of it.  I am not that person anymore.  I never want them to feel like they have no one to talk to and be the bomb too.
They used to have a game - let's see how quick we can get Mom to explode - it never took long.  These days we don't play that game.

I feel like a bad friend because I did not realize that my friend is also in pain and struggling herself.  I saw her isolation as a distancing from me rather than an isolation of herself.  I am a work in progress and my new goal is to be more aware of the difference between true friend behavior - looking out and protecting me; as opposed to false friends behaviors.

As positive as I am, as smart as I am, I have much to learn about healthy relationships, having them and being in them.  I have to learn to trust that all people are not the same as the people that I have been used to in the past, family and friends alike.

It is really weird when my sons defended me and protected me from my ex husband  last year, when he randomly flipped out and punched me, one who has hurt me over and over again emotionally.  To see my youngest son - without fear or hesitation step up and step in at the expense of his own safety was overwhelming and touching.

To have my best friend concern herself with me being hurt by words, now that I am aware of it is equally touching.  Thanks to Jennet and Patrick and Thomas for being in my corner and having my back.  It will take time, but I will get used to it someday.  My corner has been empty for so long I forgot what it felt like.  I love you guys.  And that is what family is all about.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


I want to share this picture of the Azores with you all.  I think it is beautiful and very familiar to me although I have never seen this before now.  It is more of a recognition by feeling.  I do hope one day to see for myself if, while walking or boating or being there if I feel the same that I do when I look at pictures of the Azores.

I wonder if it is true or myth that we inherit memories and skills through genetics or cells or whatever.  That is how I feel - like it is all familiar although I have never been there and have only recently seen so many pictures which have been shared with me?

Food for thought.

Saturday, November 10, 2012


I hate conflict.  I like peace and calm and balance.  I am in conflict with myself currently regarding being true to myself - my morals, values and authenticity.  Most people find it easy to compromise these things, sleep well at night even.  Me, I am not one of those people.

Over the past two years I have been trying new things, meeting new people, opening myself up to the world and the world to myself.  Overall it has been very positive.  It has enabled me to a certain self awareness, and a kind of awakening.  I have bravely gone where many people go easily - out into the world meeting people and making contacts - challenging for me!

I have overcome a few hurdles.  Regaining my independence on the fourth of July, which in the past had cost me my voice and my freedom of expression and caused me to run far away and hide in seclusion for 17 years.   Not having a voice - or rather having a voice and being afraid - yes I said AFRAID to use it...I am not willing to compromise myself in such a way for anyone ever again.

Not for intimidating people, men or women, not to save someonelse's feelings, not for false friends.  I cannot stand biting my tongue when you say something to me which is cold and mean, regardless of who you are.  Not for love or money or status would I do so ever again.  The cost of doing so is very great and I would rather be friendless and alone in its stead.

I refuse to flee ever again.  Facing whatever challenges come up may be difficult but not as difficult as not being able to look at myself in the mirror, or stifling how I truly feel and putting on a false face.  I could be like some people that I know and do that but that is not how I roll.

When you hurt me I do not cry, but I do feel the pain.  I feel and I try to be understanding and overlook it, but I remember.  When you hurt me again and again I have to ask myself, is this person aware of what they are doing? 

Some people are not that smart, although they think they are, college educations are not the only intelligence factor on the table here. I have not gotten my education from structured institutions.  I got my education from life and living life in reality.  I have walked many walks, traveled many roads and lived in the black the white and the grey areas.  I have looked with rose colored glasses and have removed them.

Doing coke with rock stars doesn't make you any less of a druggie than the people on the street that you turn your nose up to.  You are not better than anyone and how dare you think that you are!  You being mean to your mother is no different than my son being mean to me, only he is doing it because he is a boy dealing with a man's problem and I am his rock and I gave him that permission.  There is a difference.  My son loves me.

I am unwilling to compromise my values being friends with people who wouldn't like me if their realities had not been changed due to circumstances which are beyond their control and which they deplore.  Meanness and negative - keep it!  Slap me in the face - shit on my life and my home and my family - go away  I don't play with mean people who only want me around for what I can do for them.   Leave me behind - you have not even noticed that I am have been gone!

I feel guilty inside for feeling bad because I am not "feeling" compassionate and understanding.  Is that a friend?  I have tried.  It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a weight in my heart!  I would rather be alone.  Having and being  false friends are not one of them.

Thursday, November 8, 2012


I have spent most of my life invisible.  On the outside looking in.  I have tried to keep my life private and my self secluded.  I was doing pretty well at this until a few years ago when I moved back to my home town.  It is not a very big city.  I know quite a few people here and they at least know me by sight.

One day, after I had walked my beautiful orange dog, Simba, on one of the frequently traveled roads in the city, I realized that it is very hard to be incognito with said dog.  I have good reason for hiding to me anyway.  I have always attracted the wrong people and I have no skills for readily sorting out good apples from rotten apples.

I think it is because I for some reason can always see the good in people.  When I moved to West Stockbridge where my boyfriend had his video store I came to realize that he was a very intimidating man, and a control freak.  He was very nice to me and my children, having a special place in his heart for my youngest son.  He used to flirt with the ladies and at first I was thrown by that, but that is business.

He took me away from my failed before it even began marriage.  His intention he told me was to make me beautiful and make my husband jealous and feel stupid for letting me go.  I believe both men loved me in their own ways, in so much as they knew what love was.

They were both the same in different bodies but I was unable to see that until recently.  I will always love things about these men.  Like I said, they loved me to the best of their ability but they did not love me for me.  They loved me because they possessed me.

I don't know if I am a romantic or not.  In my heart of hearts I think that I am.  I have not really explored that part of myself.  What I do know is that my self love is a grey area.  On this journey that I am taking I am hoping to achieve much.  One of the things that I want is to learn to love myself.  I know there is no use trying to be in love when your heart is clouded with shadows and pain.

I may not know what I want in regards to love.  I don't look at myself as incomplete as I have not been loved unconditionally by anyone besides my pets and my children.  I do not feel less of a person without a man in my life or one walking by my side with me on "our" journey - I can't visualize it.  I have many examples of what I don't want.  One thing I do is learn from my mistakes, although it may take a few times making them.

In Intro to Psychology in High School I read somewhere that we all have a twin and we spend our lives looking for that twin to feel complete.  I do hope that is the case and it would be nice to succeed in finding such a person. I wonder if we would recognize each other as such or if he, like me, will be too absorbed internally to even notice?

Walking through Time

Today I walked through time all the way back beyond ten even fifteen years, walking back to the neighborhood I grew up in.  How many times have I walked that stretch of road to go home.  Never thinking  that someday it would be a distant memory. 

 A walk filled with many sights taken for granted having walked that road five or six times a day from my trek in the city back home down Route 20, past the Friendly's and the Mc Donald's, beyond Mr. McCluskey's bridge over the river to his house where he had many mad, wild dogs - not too many people cut through his property.  You could never tell when the really mean ones would be lurking in the field waiting to pounce!

When I left my chiropractor's office today taking shortcuts to get me home - passing too near the crack house we accidentally rented a couple of years ago when we didn't know any better, down the hill and cutting  through a side street to take a river walk where I used to walk my dog five times a day when we lived in that bad apartment, how fortunate I was to have him to protect us!  There was a duck and a mallard on the river with a squirrel chirping madly at them as they ignored him from the water edge.

I paused halfway on a bridge over the river - looking up river and then down.  No fish but a discarded fishing  pole rested on the bottom.  When I got to the road I paused - to my left was a dead end - headed in the right direction for the adventurous unknown route through the woods - to my right the sidewalk and the main road.  I must be getting older - unless it was just my eagerness to see my old cherished friends - I headed for the road!

The walk seemed shorter to me than it ever had before in my life.  Perhaps because I was looking forward to the destination!

It was a wonderful day for me.  Sitting in my old neighbor's kitchen, drinking tea, catching up, remembering.  Knowing myself how much these people shaped my life with the love and kindness over many years which didn't change - has not changed and has withstood the test of time!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Dreaming of the Future

You may have noticed that I post these pictures of the ocean.  These pictures are pictures of the Azores.  My paternal great great grandparents and ancestors came from one of the islands.  It is a desire of mine to go to these islands and see them in real life for myself.   These pictures are very calming to me.  I can gaze for so long without realizing how much time goes by.  I love the clouds and the water and the way they blend in.  I like how close the clouds seem to be to the ground and I can see myself sitting on that grassy hill thinking, drawing, writing, sunning and twirling!

I have always loved the ocean.  The great vast ocean.  Stormy or calm, sunny or dark.  It calls to me in many ways.  It has been a while since I have seen the ocean, felt the sand beneath my toes, picked up shells and just absorbed the smells and sounds and walked along the beach

For many years my Mom's family, my Aunt and Uncles, and myself and my brother used to go to Misquamicut Beach, RI.  We would rent cottages and go for a week!  Visit the Osprey and play wiffle ball or badminton while waiting for dinner after a day at the beach.  A tradition I kept up, although my boys and I would camp in a great Park!

I loved to go to Chaplains and eat fresh seafood - my first lobster with my Mom and my son Jeff and My Step Dad Joe.  You would order at a counter and wait for your number to be called and eat inside or out.  If you ate on the deck you could watch the boats come in with the fresh fish.  All of my boys, although they did not really eat seafood, humored me over the years!  

One of my destinations will be the Azores!!!
Island in the Azores

Monday, November 5, 2012


I like strangers.  Strangers do not know you, do not judge you, usually a stranger will say "Hello" back.  Sometimes a stranger will even turn out to be your best friend whom you hadn't met yet.  When I had my dream job in marketing I used to love it!  Everyone was a stranger.  A couple of them turned out to be friends outside of the circuit, some of them remember me when ever we are fortunate and our paths cross!  Strangers do not betray you.  How can they - they don't know you.

I think that I have said it before that I haven't always liked people.  It isn't really the people.  It is their behavior which I find deplorable.  I was once a secretary in a church.  It was a lovely church and I enjoyed working there very much.  I love publishing the newsletter twice a month and mailing it out bulk mail with help from a couple of volunteers.  I love Sunday Bulletins and especially special Sunday Bulletins, although the mimeograph machine didn't always like the thicker stock and would fight me on the printing.  I loved the peace and solitude of the balcony of the empty Sanctuary, and I love the acoustics when an orchestra rented out the church and I got to enjoy amazing classical music there.  I loved helping people who needed help.  It turns out that I don't like Christians who are un-Christian.  People who put forth one face and it is just a cover up.

I think that is one of the reasons I distrust people.  Too many people now use who they know and how many people they know as a status.  How many Facebook Friends do you have?  I know how many I have and I am proud to say I know each one of them in "real" life.  I don't collect friends.  I have people I know who are waiting for me to accept friend requests right now.  Out of the 200+ people that I know there are less than five who know me or whom I know currently.  That includes my family.

I think my problem is that I start out meeting people and they are great, we have a connection - then something happens and you hang out, hit it off, become best friends.  I am always myself - I don't put on a false face - I believe what I believe, say what I say, do what I do.  I believe that my "friends" should do the same, be the same - be authentic. Do you not know what an honor it is to be invited into my world?  Into my home - my sanctuary?!

We all are different - different backgrounds, different experiences, different likes, dislikes, ideas.  I accept and I share and I am - while nine times out of ten you have a false face on - you nod, agree or run.  How am I to know if you are not yourself and haven't been yourself just  what is authentic?  With me you always know.  You either like me or you don't.  If you don't like me but benefit from me in some way then you are not my friend.

It hurts me when you look at me like I have three heads because you judge me from your place in your world.  I accept you when ever - what ever.  I forgive you although you do not even have a clue what a friend is until the next time you need to vent or complain or you need help.  You do not even know when you hurt me, don't notice and do not care.  I do not need help.  I am and have always been secure with myself.  I have learned not to need from people.  I am content with myself and even at my weakest I have great strength.  This I do know.

A friend of mine told me today that I have suffered enough in my life.  I would like to reassure him that I agree.  I have suffered.  But I have looked beyond the suffering, and how could my suffering be considered as such when there are many people who have suffered in more horrendous ways???  There are always those who have it worse to make yours look less.    My life has just had a few bumps in the road.  I find that you ride through it and pick up from there.


I for one believe that everything happens for a reason.  The people we meet, the experiences we have good or bad are meant to be.  I also believe that the things that don't kill us do make us stronger, shape us mold us, give us what we need - not necessarily what we want at the time - although at times we wish they would kill us!  Times like those, are the times that I really rejoice in the beauty around me!

I also believe that our brain is our greatest tool that we possess.  I sometimes say that my CPU is slow - but at times I think it is just going faster than I can comprehend!  I appreciate the fact that our brain is the thing that really keeps us alive and that it is smarter than we will ever be since we use only a small percent of it.

Today, I appreciate my brain for not only hiding the things that probably would have or could have killed me from my self.  I rarely acknowledge my lack of memories, but as they come back I realize that my brain is letting me remember things that would have hurt me at the time because of my weaknesses, so it is an indicator to me that I am stronger and more able to accept my reality.

I am also thankful for my heart.  I pray that I did not inherit the Buckley heart which will take me off of the planet too soon, before I do the things I want to do and just have to do!  I am thankful that it has been strong enough to let me overlook the pain and heartache, neglect and abuse.  I am grateful to feel the love that I have for my family and friends and pets.  Especially pets.

I feel very blessed today.  I love when affirmation comes out of no where.  Having been a product of negative reinforcement I am liking and accepting acknowledgements of my positive traits and qualities, which I have been unable to see with my eye even with deep introspection.

Thank you Universe for putting me on this path because it has never been dull, even when I have been alone!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Happiness Is...

I can tell change is in progress.  It comes about so regularly in my life.  Seems like it is my middle name.  I get settled and cozy with the people and things in my life and bam! here comes change again.

 I am in a discussion on Google+ based off 

Dalai Lama

5:44 AM  -  Public
There are two kinds of happiness - the temporary pleasure derived primarily from material comfort alone and another more enduring comfort that results from the thorough transformation and development of the mind. We can see in our own lives that the latter form of happiness is superior because when our mental state is calm and happy, we can easily put up with minor pains and physical discomforts. On the other hand, when our mind is restless and upset, the most comfortable physical facilities do not make us happy.

Many people do not understand the difference in the two and more interestingly some can't even grasp the concept of "a more enduring comfort that results from the thorough transformation and development of the mind".  This should not surprise me yet it does.

Perhaps it is because I have always taken pleasure out of the gifts of the earth and I have always appreciated them.  I find that when I am sad or upset it is difficult to see these things, yet when I am happy and calm I notice all the beauty the earth provides us everyday within our sight - they seem to pop out of nowhere!  

This might sound strange, but a few years ago now, my good friend Kelly died.  While I had not known her very long we were great friends!  She was the coolest woman I have ever met in my entire life, besides myself that is!  Very earthy and creative, kind, warm, fun, destructive and forgiving, I would have taken away her ailments if I could!   

The day that she died I was trying to reach her to go to visit with her, as she had been in the hospital and I had been ill and did not want to get my friend any sicker.  Her Mom phoned me to let me know that Kelly had passed earlier that day.  Within 5 minutes my beautiful Angel fish did a flip and died in about a minute!  

It was raining and I lived in the country.  We had just gotten our puppy, Simba, and I brought him outside on the leash and stood in the wet, dark night.  There was no light from the house or any from any outside sources and as I thought about my friend the raindrops were glistening!

She is buried in a cute little cemetery where they don't even close the gates at night, which is rare these days.  Whenever I go there I sit and talk to her and chill.  My boys and I try to do it regularly, and no matter what time of day or night it is, a wild animal two will always pass by, or if it is cloudy the sun will come out.  I don't know if it is coincidence or imagination or a sign.  I like to think it is a sign from my amazing beautiful spirited friend!

My happiness is derived by things like this.  Memories and friends here or passed.  The feeling that I associate that with is love.  Loving and being loved.  

Thursday, November 1, 2012


I have had an aversion to people for a really long time now.  When I was a child I really liked people and loved my family.  Life was good.  When my parent's betrayed each other and left my brother and I in the lurch to fend for ourselves with those "invisible" babysitters it kind of changed my perspective.  It comes from  a place deep inside of me brought on by great and constant disappointment, and general poor treatment from other people reinforced over the years by more disappointment and callous people.

It was quite easy to do.  Ask any person who has known me for a while.  Nature and animals are a huge part of my life for a reason!  Both kept me sane and happy with a cheerful outlook.  How can one not smile at animals in nature at work or at play, or smile when the sun shines, or laugh while jumping in a puddle - and yes, jump in puddles I do if I have the proper shoes on!

Thankfully along the way there were people who reminded me that not all people are the same.   Many of them have no idea how important and lifesaving their love and acceptance were to me.   Nonetheless, I methodically isolated myself from others and myself.  Since we are relative strangers, you do not know how difficult it is to be open, warm and receptive to people.  To overlook and not expect the same old hurt and pain one gets from interacting and putting oneself out there.

I had to relearn emotions.  The only two I had were anger and sadness. I promised a person very dear to me when she had to leave my life unexpectedly that I would not shut down and undo the progress which took me years to accomplish.  I can only say to my friend Lydia that I am trying and do so everyday.

Some days it is easier than others to remember compassion and grace.  Others not so much.  On those days I prefer to challenge myself by interacting with people.  Some days I succeed.  Today was a success!

I wrote this yesterday and hesitated to publish it because it is too harsh.   After re-reading it today I feel that if I didn't publish it then I would be going against my true self.  I am not trying to impress people.  This is my journey and exploration.  I just want you to know that am not one to share myself freely in real life and how huge this is.  My goal is to be authentic always.  I have failed in that aspect in one major area of my life - for another day - and not too far off I am sure!

I read today that you have to explore the dark in order to see the light and my friends - I am heading towards the center of that tunnel!