Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Success to me has never been measured by money or material objects, but in doing a job well done the first time, solving a problem (or many at once), in raising three boys and watching each one graduate, no jail no unwed pregnancies.

Today, my success was in finally reaching yet another goal and overcoming the loss of my Dad's involvement in my life by finding my own way to a more accessible food resource, closer to home and with great rewards.  Thankfully I did not have to walk in this horrible weather in the Berkshires today, but I can if I need to!

Sowing the rewards from today's adventure I am thankful for the half a chicken, carrots, potatoes and onions  as I smell an amazing chicken stock cooking on my stove for a fine meal tomorrow.  The nice marinara sauce simmering on the stove for our meal tonight, made more complete with the jar of sauce to add to my own hamburg and sausage and the loaf of nice Italian garlic bread to accompany said meal this evening.

While I would love to be a financial success, and I do think the winds of change will be blowing my way in the maybe not so near future, but one that is not too far in the distance, my accidents back  in the late 90's kind of put that on hold - as the timing was just before a great promotion in a managerial position in the marketing company I worked for in the lead room.  Murphy's Law strikes again.

Without that accident though, I never would have had the opportunity to buy my home in the country, a modest little place, yet one which was ideal to raise two of my boys away from the strife and struggle of drugs and gangs in my home town, and recover in the comfort and privacy of my castle.

If you have been reading right along, you would know that I made some New Years resolutions and I have already successfully completed one of them and am back in control of my medical part, while I have to wait til May for a meeting with my new doctor, having done this step I have been able to see another of my Doc's after two years of missing out due to him going into private practice and insurance/primary doctor issues.

The second huge resolution I have made deals with a legal and financial mess which just compounded while I was stuck in place and which will take a bit more work and money.  The latter is still holding me up, at least it is not just me being stuck in place!  Time and paperwork is what will resolve that - once I have a little bit more money stashed for the endeavor.

Rome wasn't built in a day however and neither will be the restructuring of my life, to once again have the financial freedom and perhaps to be able to answer my phone again and open mail would be nice after five years of not being mentally able to face these issues head on.

The fact that I am not worrying my head off every minute of every day, or sitting still while my life passes me by, as I have done for most of the time, getting out in the world with a new and different outlook, networking with people, volunteering, seeing and accepting the reality of just about every situation from my ex husband to my ex parents, have been difficult, but so freeing!

Seeing my sons stand with me to be supportive of each other and me is priceless.  Knowing I raised them, they are strong, unique and diverse individuals who are primarily happy if not successful by the rest of the world's standards is a huge affirmation to me!  If I died today I would truly pass a very happy woman.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Today I am feeling very good about things.  I woke up rip roaring and ready to go.  Began by wiping off the bookshelf that I had unloaded into my living room last week for the major re arranging for spring, did the dishes, shelved the books and had tea.

My son has been helping me look for the copy of the lease that I need to finish yet another long delayed must do, and we went through 4 different stacks of papers and unloaded a good size bag of junk papers just in time for garbage day tomorrow.  We did not find the copy of the lease but I did find some more papers I need to do another task I have been putting off.  Busy hands, quiet mind, progress and satisfaction.  Now I am taking a break trying to regain my ability to put words to paper, even if it is just a bit of an update.

We did go to a meeting last night for the American Cancer Society for the Relay for Life Event.  My son and I are both thinking about either volunteering or actually participating.  I don't think any one on the planet has not been touched by cancer, it is a worthy cause.

Plans are also underway for volunteering for the Berkshire International Film Festival, while I was unable to attend the meeting on Saturday, I did receive minutes of the meeting and a bunch of new stuff to read and dates for fun event.

Things are progressing in a forward direction - which for me is always a plus.  The lease can be obtained from the landlord with a phone call, yet I was hoping to find my copy.  I will look further into a couple of more areas after I take a break.

I did find my papers from my physical therapy in Williamstown - the best P.T. I ever had I think.  They believe in building up your core strength and going from there, so now I can begin that routine again, along with what I am doing with my chiropractor I should be heading in the right direction.

I am off to more of the things that I have been putting off, getting some completion bonus points to boost my morale!  Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Monday, February 25, 2013


It is funny, lately I seem to be a bit confused by nothing in particular and everything all around me.  Feeling in a void, kind of in between and the more that I accomplish, the less I seem to do.  The more that is on my mind the less that I have to say.  Seems really strange to me, being the one it is happening to.  Maybe it is the full moon, I don't know.

This year there has been so many changes going on and we are hitting the tail end of February.  I am still confident and happy and smiling.  Just really introspective, thoughtful more than vocal and planning and processing.

Processing things is familiar to me, planning and thinking deep down about major life choices not so much.  I am a go with the flow kind of person.  Usually resulting from whatever catastrophes  or hurdles surround me, and how to effectively manage to get through with the least amount of destruction.

I have been living my life on auto pilot for most of the time.  Realizing lately that some of those automatic and reactionary choices were not always in my best interest, and in hindsight not the correct choices for me in the long run.  Taking business in order to piss my mother off in Junior High and maintaining that in High School when I was an extremely smart young person - definitely not my wisest decision for example.

While I am not stupid, I do feel stupid in many areas.  That is one of the reason I like the Internet.  I really like the fact that if I think of a subject I get many resources to read and learn.  I also like the fact that while I am a very social and outgoing person I feel more comfortable being so with people I will probably never meet face to face.

I am most comfortable with my family, obviously - my boys are my world - but second to that I love a roomful of strangers in distant places.  I have more friends whom I sadly have not seen since I worked at my marketing jobs, vendors and marketers, carnies and event planners.

I really miss walking around Providence and watching in wonder as they cleaned up the area around the Civic Center.  The beautiful architecture, the limos dropping people off at the beautiful theater, the Gentleman's Club next to the McDonald's and across the street from the Welfare building.

Hell I just miss getting in a car and driving for hours with the music blaring and singing along on the way in the early morning light listening to WAAF because we can't get it clear in our end of the state, laughing at Mistress Carrie in her pajama's on the radio.

I miss Boat Shows and Wine Shows and Carnivals.  The Greater Hartford Open with it's tent of vendors and an extraordinary golf course - too big to walk around completely in one day and over the course of 4 eventually making it around once at least once, soaking up the awesome Connecticut sun.

The fair in Wolcott, Ct., where, when I thought I was lost and I asked for directions I was told it was pronounced "Wilcot", because nothing is like it seems!  Watching the Fourth of July fireworks from the top of the Ferris Wheel  - the best seat in the house - with a "friend" that I had made who worked there.

Maybe it is just that wanderlust kicking in.  That old restless spirit craving for the journey to nowhere and anywhere.

Friday, February 22, 2013


I am finally getting back into a routine!  I have been neglecting the fun things that I like to do - including hanging out on Google plus, and over the past two days have had so much fun reconnecting with people and conversations and amazing works of art and creativity that goes around the Internet that is not the same old meme's as you see on some other sites!  In reality - you see them there first folks!

While all of this is going on in between doctors appointments and my son being awake during daylight hours like a normal person for a change - something we had been failing on (almost succeeded until just after Christmas) when things started going the other way.  It is really nice to have adult conversations and regular meal times and help with dishes, laundry and chores and even company shopping!

I almost feel like I have a "Normal" life going here!  I was beginning to get worried - but  now after two weeks to the day of having my son home and feeling noticeably better I am psyched!  He has motivated me with his progress and I have also made great strides on all areas of my life - YEAH!!!

No longer do I feel so stressed and alone in EVERYTHING!!!  I will admit to having a minor meltdown the other day when I got to go to the supermarket and do my shopping - not even realizing how stressed I had become.

I am so grateful and thankful for all of the new friends who have offered there encouragement and support - reminding me of the challenges that I have been facing and reminding me how well I have been coping over the course of it all!  I could name names, but I think you all know who you are and need to know that big hugs from me are being sent along with rainbows and smiles from this side of the planet to you all!

I don't think I have ever completed a New Years Resolution and I have made a couple this year and have succeeded in finishing one and a half and getting ready to face the second largest one!  Also, my home is shaping up nicely and I am really enjoying getting ready for spring (although the weatherman says Q2 is headed our way)!  Why are they naming winter storms on the weather channel anyway?  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!!!  I can see naming hurricanes, but snow storms!  Get real!!!

I look so forward to finding ways to spend quality time and activities that are redeeming to myself and my family!  We had to postpone two birthday celebrations during the beginning of the month so I have a nice family dinner and quality family time to look forward to in the coming month!

It is so nice to survive an unexpected crisis and come out better than when it began!  Thank you all for helping me to see my strengths when I began to falter!  I cannot wait to get out in the world again and spread a little love and smiles again!

Thursday, February 21, 2013


I remember the year that I ran away to Florida specifically because it had been very cold early on and we had gotten a lot of snow and then in the middle of November (when we were playing hooky from school and got caught on the third day) the weather was like an early spring!  It was 1982 I think.  What I remember thinking is cool, maybe our weather will change my fantasy was that here in the Berkshires we would also enjoy tropical heat in the Mountains as they have down South.  Obviously - I am still waiting.

Years later, our weather has evolved on the entire planet.  With less snow and more cold, more lightening and tornadoes and the wind!  With seasons changing in all areas of the U.S. and the rest of the world - snow in England, no snow in Canada, our glaciers melting over more recent years it is a trip to watch all of the changes.

Back in the '80's I had no idea about the Mayans and their prediction for the end of the world.  I am not one for hype - but perhaps their visions and their knowledge from their time and what they may have seen seemed like the end of the world to them.  The world has changed a lot since they made their end calendar and  moved on.

I think that the lining up of the planets and subsequent shift of our planet - or whatever happened that the science world is not sharing with the general public has much to do with what is going on with our planet and our weather.  I am a silent observer on this matter.  I usually do not talk about planets lining up with the general public and my views on them.  It scares some people, it freaks them out at the possibility of what is to happen during our "global warming" there is a lot of speculation.  I am not a scientist so I have no idea.

All I know, as a lifetime Berkshire-ite is that we have very specific seasons and weather patterns here.  With our early sudden springs - (lately) then some more cold weather in March going into a very wonderful to me heat wave (I am still rooting for tropical weather here in the North) and our rain season this past year during the winter months and all the wind and cold in place of the snow (YUCK)!, give me snow any day and in larger amounts - I am really tired of these random spitting out of snow here - not enough for the insulation that larger snowfalls produce to generate that blanket that makes winter bearable - along with dressing properly!

Now that the planets are in place for the great changes the Mayans predicted I think we have lost a vital block and must be in a different air stream or something!  With not one but three meteors hitting our planet a couple of weeks ago in Russia, California and Cuba there is no denying something is going on.  I am aware that meteors have struck before and they did so in mostly uninhabited places with no one getting hurt, I believe life just got real for our civilization.

I for one am looking forward to being an active observer and genuine survivor of these great changes no matter what they bring!  

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I am wondering today why I have been having such difficulty in putting words to the page lately.  I have been feeling like an empty sheet of paper, white and colorless and well   -- empty!

It is not like I have not had anything to say.  I always have something to say about something!  It is not like I have not been out in the world and interacted with it.  I have.  I have even had some really funny things happen, and I have even had great fun recently, yet I feel different for some reason.

With all of the adjustments, my son coming home, finding a "new normal", settling into ever changing changes,    re-accepting the loss of my Dad, dealing with the day to day, doing daily chores, making small progress on my plans for the spring layout of my house, and waiting for spring and warmth and sunshine I am thinking and hoping it is a seasonal thing.

I am overjoyed that my son is home.  Watching his progress has me hopeful.  The other night he even accompanied me and my friend Sunday to an opening of an art show that my friend curated where he enjoyed the Art, got to put faces to people I speak about, and generally had a good time!

Feeling a pre-loss to a event that I volunteer for - which - unless I am reading more into being excluded from a mailing for the first volunteer meeting was an oversight - knowing it wasn't as my "best friend (ex) is in charge of - I am sure that this was what she was referring to when she said it was a small town and knowing her as I do, she would use her "presumed power" to push a few people out of including me.  It makes me sad, but thankfully she doesn't run the world and there are other events that will need a hard working volunteers.

Now I think I need to shift my focus on some things that will be fun for both me and my son to get out and be sociable at.  It seems we have both isolated ourselves from this world too long!  The world is our oyster and who knows - perhaps we will find an opportunity that takes us both out of comfort zone and we will find  another opportunity elsewhere!

You see, when I had to stop working with my counselor when he went into private practice two years ago, I continued to work on the things that I needed to work on, primarily socialization.  I had been living in the country in our safe little haven and needed little outside of our many friends, who may have been young adults, but they were awesome and always around, filling our lives with much needed outside interactions.

When we came back to my our hometown, it was lacking all of those people and adjustments were made.  Just not positive ones.  That is why, when the opportunity came via my friend Paul to volunteer and network I jumped on it!  I was at a place in my life where I needed to do something in order to change the status quo.

It helped me do more than just meet new people.  It also enabled me to feel satisfied helping out.  I get a real thrill out of that - when I was a secretary in the Church many years ago, I realized I felt the best when I helped point people in the right direction. 

It also made me realize - quite by accident that the man that I had married all those years ago was not the right man for me - not because I was looking for another man, rather, due to his lack of understanding and acceptance of me having a life outside of watching t.v. when he had time for me, after we had gotten back together after 17 years of being apart and me staying far away from anything and everything that he was about - especially him!

Since my son has been home he has inspired me to put myself out there and overcome a couple of my fears, just on his great strength of doing what is not in his comfort zone as well.  If he can do it - so can I - after all I did raise him!  The teacher can learn from the student!  He makes me prouder and prouder everyday!  

So now my journey is not just for me, it is also for him as well.  Our strength comes from encouraging each other.  As we overcome hurdles laid in our path I am sure that we will only grow as individuals!  Who knows maybe our journey will lead us to great adventures, or perhaps they will just help us find peace where we are.

Friday, February 15, 2013


Friday morning...sun is shining brightly.  Cup of tea in hand, I sit and contemplate this past week.  Thankful that my son is home, regardless of the adjustments we have had to make in our lives.  A welcome relief over basically the entire year.

Both of us making huge milestones.  He is finally getting his photo i.d., staying on schedule and adjusting to being at home again, me, overcoming huge personal fears to do what is necessary even if it isn't easy, and finding that it is easier once you begin an action to complete it and the positive results and rewards at the end of the road!

I am thankful that I am a strong woman who is able to deal with chaos and disorder and change.  It seems that change is my middle name lately.  I prefer routine and order, but it seems that it is never the same day to day.  The adjustments are large in some ways and small in others.

I miss my "regular" Friday routine, where my Dad would pick me up and we would go to the food pantry.  Five weeks and counting.  Not long, but long enough when you rely on the resources and are not just hoarding them.  Trying not to panic at the thought of not having enough food as my resources dwindle down. Trying not to mourn the loss, yet again - still and always of my dear old Dad.

One of the reasons I rely only on myself instead of others is that you don't have control when they short circuit and you get erased out of the picture again.  People wonder why I do not ask for help or rely on other people and there it is in a nutshell.  The only person who is in it for you is you, don't forget that one!

I have been looking into resources closer to home, within walking distance, next huge undertaking, next to trying to fix my huge financial mess now that I got my medical almost straightened out.  One day at a time, one problem at a time.  Looking forward to moving forward even if it is one step forward and ten steps back!

Having limited time to myself to work on my writing is difficult at best.  Without a clear mind it has been no problem anyway.  I prefer it to the constant battle I had been having filling the alone time.  Being a caregiver, a Mom - always a Mom, my time has been revolving around how to be a helper, a teacher and guide.  I have been enjoying reading the works of other innovative writers in the meantime.

I read a funny blog the other day by "Renegade Mom" who writes about her life being hi-jacked now that she is a Mom -  very good read but what she doesn't realize is that you are still you, it is your ability to adjust and deal with the chaos along with readjusting your identity.  I guess we all have two choices, to stay and fight or to run and hide.

I am tired though,  too tired to fight, run or hide!  I am thankful that Spring is on it's way and soon the trees will be budding and the grass will be growing, and the weather will allow for more outdoor activities, longer days and warmer weather.  I look forward with anticipation for the days when I can get up and sit on my deck and watch the squirrels and feed the birds and soak up the beautiful sun once again.

Monday, February 11, 2013


To myself and all of you I proudly share some purple roses as a reward!  Finally!  A worthy Monday! If you had not noticed, for me, Mondays have been pretty crappy from the last one of 2012 right on through to today.  I don't normally follow the Monday's are bad and TGIF kind of thing, a day is usually a day to me, they are all the same, some better - some worse, but not today.

Today has marked a milestone of personal growth for me, as an individual.  I can say this because I have been struggling to overcome my fear of doctors, not that I have anything against doctor's per se, except for when I have two bad and unjustified experiences with them in a row blowing my already limited trust of them in the process.  The last time I went to a doctor, besides the dentist out of necessity and my chiropractor also out of necessity but also as a stepping stone because he is familiar, although I had not seen him in almost ten years!

Not only did I overcome a fear today - I also completed one of my New Years Resolutions - something I doubt I have ever done in my entire life!  I tackled the mystery of what health insurance plan I do have for starters, which revealed to me that my primary insurance is really my secondary insurance so I am stuck with the one I have.

I had to then phone my primary insurance and explain my situation and while I was on hold I was told a web address, so I checked that out while waiting for a very kind representative to come and answer my questions and help me locate a few names of DOCTORS!

Although the doctor I was hoping to get wasn't available, another doctor in the same practice was available, accepting new patients and my insurance!  I was so happy to hear that - even though I have to wait til May - but, considering I have not been to a doctor since 2009 I think I can manage to wait til May.

I also finally got to call my chiropractor and cannot wait til tomorrow morning to trudge to his office and get my neck and back straightened out again, considering he put me on three weeks and I have been unable to do anymore than wait for my visits with my son over the previous two and a half weeks I was so unmotivated!

So two good things and as luck always comes in threes...I decided to phone my counselor, who I have not spoken to save 10 minutes on the street a few months ago randomly as we walked the same direction - and share the news.  (He had gone into private practice two years ago, and without a primary doctor I could not see him.)  I get to go see  him on Wednesday!

It is really funny the way that things seem to work out so effortlessly when we most need them to!  This is not the first time in my life that I have overcome a huge situation effortlessly - they are few and far between however.

I hope you all enjoy your purple flowers as much as I am enjoying mine!  May you all have the pleasure of effortlessly overcoming your mountains as well!


Saturday, February 9, 2013


Twenty eight years and a half a day ago I remember the instant my life changed, as I held my 9lb 5oz son  for the second time (the first time covered in blood and gook he was placed on my abdomen and I looked at him in wonder), the second time though, the second time he looked at me and made some noises like he was talking to me, a few hours old, and I felt my life transform, felt a connection like none I had ever felt before.

It seems like such a very long time ago, and yet at the same time as the memories of his birth and my life at the time come flooding back it doesn't seem that long ago at all!

Nineteen, I was a senior in high school again - making up credits in gym, psych and business law.  I worked 35 - 40 hours a week at Friendly's lived at home with my parents and my brother, who had found out only a few months before at the dinner table that I was pregnant, only after my stepfather asked me, with my Mom and brother present, when I was going to let them know I was going to have a baby.  My brother's jaw fell to the table and my Mother got up and walked into her bedroom.

How they did not know was beyond me.  My brother worked at Friendly's with me, and everyone there knew, I was as big as a house and no one would let me lift a thing!  My parents were regulars there as well!  I guess the eye sees what the brain allows it to see.

I had been going for counseling at Right To Life, where I had gotten the wonderful news that I was going to have a baby a couple of years after I was told I could not have children.  Go figure!  No one was more surprised than me.  My boyfriend broke up with me when he found out, which was disappointing as he was my first love whom I met at roller skating when I was in junior high and whom I had recently reunited with after so many years of being out of touch.  Not my Knight in White Armour after all!

I was getting counsel and information from a lovely woman.  That is where I learned the true meaning of being a parent and the lifetime of commitment which it required to be a parent.  Since my mother's "husband" Joe - who I refer to as my stepfather, was the closest thing to a true parent I have ever had I really didn't understand "parent's" and "life time commitment" as a normal thing.  Sure I had seen examples of it in my neighbor with her children and my friends and their families (thank you all!) I hadn't felt it in so long personally.

I put a lot of thought into what to do.  Being Catholic and opposed to abortion that was not an option.  My mother had had me when she was much younger, so I figured my family would survive the idea, but I wasn't sure.  I went and had meetings about adoption.  Up until December when I decided to write my baby a letter explaining why I gave him up.  I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote.  In the end I went downstairs and braved the dragon and told my Mother I could not give the baby up for adoption that I was going to keep it.

That was scary and hard.  So very difficult.  I love my Mother, but she is intimidating and I would not want to cross her in an alley on a bad day.  I think it is the  French German or something, because her father and his Mother both put off that same vibe.  I think she said something like, "fine, we will have to see what we have for clothes and things in Lanesborough." (where my grandparents lived.)

I continued to work and go to school, hang out with my friends, buying baby things and walking all of the time, my step-father was an awesome cook and he fed me well - he used to brag that Jeffrey was so big and healthy because he was a garlic fed baby!  Nothing really changed, there was no discussion really, which was really odd.  I went to childbirth classes, made the honor roll and got bigger!

I remember waking up with a huge lower back ache at 6 a.m, I never got up at 6 a.m. unless I had to work early, not even for school.  I stayed home and didn't really realize I was in labor.  It got really crazy, being unable to sit, or stand or lie down, so my Mom brought me to the hospital, stopping by to pick up my Coach Stella on the way, by now I think it was 11:30 at night on Thursday, maybe midnight.

I remember them hooking up monitors and checking how far dilated I was.  At one point pointing out to my coach Stella what they were waiting for, she looked, stepped back and my water broke - flying at such a force that if she had been there still, it would not have been a pretty sight and she probably would never have been a birth coach ever again!  We all had a good laugh instead!

The fun began, and ended in a blur.  I have no real recollection of the rest of it, only almost breaking my mother's hand from squeezing it so hard that she said something.  Until they put him on my tummy and I was so amazed and awed and overcome!  They put him on the scales, cleaned him up and whisked him to the nursery.  They never warn you about the afterbirth, or if they did - I missed that part!  OMG!!!  It was worse than having a 9 lb baby!  That is all I am going to say except for to say - they should let you know ahead of time!

When they brought Jeffrey in my room later, he was so big!  He could lift himself up he was so strong!  It was magical for me when he talked the other mothers in the room who each had three or four children commented on how they had never witnessed that before, and they had 9 - 12 children of experience.   He was my little man right from the start!  My Jeffrey Beaner!

When I got home from the hospital with Jeffrey there was a huge surprise waiting.  My room was the attic room and it was insulated and had sheet rock on the ceiling  and cool woven cloth on the down walls when I had left, when I returned home my stepfather had finished my room with sheet rock and paint and a brand new crib, in place of the old yellow crib my mother had gotten from my grandmothers.

If you recall, when I ran away to Florida, Joe stopped talking to me, and that was very difficult to handle, he being a very stubborn Italian, and me having been trained by him, since I was 8 was also very stubborn!  I always expect the worst, so when I walked into my bedroom - which had been my room for many years mind you - was completely finished and painted and beautiful for me and my baby I was shocked and overwhelmed, knowing by actions that he still loved me and accepted me and my sweet little baby!  Nothing in my life has ever compared to this ever!

Joe was the most supportive man ever!  I continued to go to school and he watched Jeffrey, got him up, bathed him, fed him and brought him  to Friendly's for breakfast and he was his sidekick.  I continued to work and get the support from Joe and my family, I was lucky that I had that support and ability to finish school and work and even tried to go to college.  I still got to have a social life and Jeffrey has grown into a fine young man.

He is kind and interesting and it has been a delight watching him develop with the love and support of his family, growing and teaching his brother's to be super cool TMNT moves, who still tries to get them to play every video game possible, being a great Son who really did change the direction of my life, as I was already being mislead by others.

I don't think he realizes what a gift he has been to me.  The love and learning and growing that we did together.  The experiences that he has been through have not always been ideal to say the least.  Watching through his eyes life and growth and laughter!

He used to do different voices and characters when he was little, it used to crack us up!  He was so smart, at 4 not only naming, but spelling the dinosaurs names and knowing what they ate, drawing and writing stories in kindergarten and first grade when he finished his work.  Being such a fine brother and teacher!  He is an awesome natural musician with some great talent he has put aside sadly, as I miss his bass guitar so much!

Watching him grow, missing too many years in between, while he was doing his growing and having his life experiences, it is nice to watch him with his wife and his daughter, and with his brothers as well, now that they are all grown up!

I am grateful and thankful that I made the wise decision I did.  Although life is not easy as a single parent, it was easier and more rewarding than the other road!  I have loved and will continue to love and appreciate this day always to celebrate the life that his life gave both of us.

There is no greater love than the love between child and parent and every parent should remember that a child is a gift - the gift of unconditional love - it is the most precious and lasting bond that there is.  Love grows love, neglect grow weeds.

Friday, February 8, 2013


I anxiously await eleven o'clock with excitement!  I have been very productive, baking a golden yellow cake from scratch yesterday with homemade butter cream frosting to go along with a special welcome home dinner tonight.  Planning a dinner and having my friend Mike hit the market for me while he was out at that end of the world.  Good friends do not just offer to help, when you actually ask - they follow through and do not disappoint!  Thank you +Mike Pezzo for going out of your way for a damsel in distress!

Last night we had our final visit in the hospital, the exchange of dirty clothes and books and things collected to make the stay more comfortable, leaving clean clothes for departure today.  My son ordered pizza to share with the other patients and staff on the floor in order to celebrate his release.  Everyone had a good time!

I can tell you the excitement is building as time nears!  I finally put away the cartons of Christmas decorations which have been taking up space in my dining room in order to prepare the room - which had been looking like the overflow area for a month now!  Considering it took ten whole minutes out of my life, I am a little embarrassed I had not done it sooner - that is motivation for you!

I have a wonderful dinner planned.  My son requested steak so I took out London Broil which will be marinating for the afternoon in preparation for the broiling later.  Homemade Mac and Cheese, thanks to Mike hitting the supermarket for me, some garlic mashed potatoes, green beans and the dessert, I think we have this one covered!  It feels so good to be doing "normal" activities!

I tried to phone my Dad two days in a row now, and "your call is important to me, so please call back" welcomed me, yet my phone still hasn't rung.  His loss totally!  I hope he is okay, considering when I told him of my sons illness he was going through his own things.  I even tried the cell phone and you know he is not answering that either!  He probably thinks I want to impose on him and get a ride to the food pantry which I have missed for one month now due to his caring more about his friends than his family.

I am not surprised.  Story of my life.  Daddy, how long do you think I will wait around for you this time, I wonder?  I think this girl needs to rethink priorities as far as he is concerned as actions do speak louder than words and his actions speak volumes, the same old story, with a different ending this time I know - regardless of what a bad daughter it makes me to not care anymore.

He would rather get taken advantage of by his "friends" than have me point out just what is going on.  Not my worry, not my job.  Now do you understand why I consider my children my family and not my extended family as my family?  This is normal, and I normally just accept it!  Well his loss!  He has always been welcome in our family until he leaves us in the dust.  It bothers me none the less!

I am not going to let his behaviour affect our happiness ever again.  Do you think he will notice, or will it be the next major holiday when he calls to invite himself over that he realizes that he needs to spend it elsewhere?  Do I have the courage or the ability to even do that?  I wonder?!!?

The more things change, the more they stay the same!  I guess if I felt that I was feeling this way out of meanness or jealousy or something like that I would feel bad, but since I am doing this to break the enabling of a pattern it doesn't fit in that category.  So the focus will remain on my celebration and not give a flying fig!  It would have been nice if Granpa was around though!

I must run and get ready to pick up my son.  There is much to do with the meal and the snowstorm coming in later today!  So far nothing is going on weather wise!  I knew it would not be starting after midnight last night!!!  I am most thankful for that!

Hope you all stay well if you are in storm areas!  I am more concerned that we have tornadoes flying around when it is not even tornado season more so than the storm that will probably devastate NYC and Boston!  Glad I live in the mountains - I just wish I had my wood stove and was at home in the country which is a fading memory!

Keep well and be safe!

Thursday, February 7, 2013


I don't know if I have the words to express how happy I am at this moment!  I am also hungry for the first time in I don't know how long - weeks I think - having only eaten because it is a necessary process, to keep going!

My heart is going to explode with the sheer magnitude of happiness!  My baby is coming home tomorrow.  I should not call him my baby as he is a full grown man - but he will always be my baby!  I still have tears in  my eyes from the news!

I was expecting to have to get through another weekend without him.  We both were like -" really - tomorrow - you are not joking?"  I jumped right out of my chair and hugged my son and he hugged me back really hard!

Going through the checklist of "do's" from the doctors, and hearing how important and helpful it was to my son's recovery to have a strong support system - his family - something which not too many people have and which I am proud to say we are!

Affirmation from the medical community really goes a long way in my eyes to really know and feel that we are a strong, supportive family unit.  With all of my random doubts and worry and the unspoken looks and judgments from outsiders as to how I parent in order to have open and clear communication available for my children to have a safe place to vent is not a bad thing, not all words are sweet and nice all the time when you need to get something off your chest - it works both ways!

I am proud to say that I am happy!  Thank you all for your support, friends and strangers alike!  The encouragement, the prayers, the well wishes and the distractions all helped me to get through this very long and trying ordeal!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


The energy in the air today has been very unusual.  Not in a bad way, but not really that good either.  Days like today are like a vacuum.  I spent the afternoon doing the next closest thing to reading a Terry Pratchett book and that was watching "Going Postal"  on Netflix.  

After all the laughs last night watching the "Hogfather", which came through very well in Sir Pratchett's' brilliant style and good humour, I began watching "Going Postal" which I had to re watch today as I had about 40 minutes of life left in me when it began last night.

Nothing more appropriate on a weird energy day than to travel to Disc World!  Part I did wonders for my mood!  Since it was the last book that I have read of his, it was vaguely familiar yet, not so familiar where I knew - or know what is coming next.

I can't wait to see how the second part goes!  I am sure I will not be disappointed!  I never am where Terry Pratchett is concerned since I began with Witches Abroad all those years ago!  If you have never read one of the books in the Disc World Series, you should!  After watching I have a hankering to read everything I have on my shelf by Mr. Pratchett all over again!

You will find yourself laughing aloud to yourself so be very careful where you choose to read!  I love the casting in both movies which I have had the pleasure to watch.  Not too often does one get it so completely right!  Bravo!!! and Thank You!!!

The cooking blog was fun today as well.  I have been considering doing a separate series of blogs just on cooking, now that I have a camera and can actually provide some visuals.  It was more like a school essay though in comparison to what and how I usually write, taking a blink of an eye and almost no effort what so ever.  I think the most difficult thing was getting the pictures to co-operate!  Kinda why you are getting two blogs today for the price of one.  I just don't feel like I wrote for me! 

So now that I feel a little better about the effort and input in my writing today after all, and since I had a nice visit with my son, and my tummy is full of noodles, which by the way soy sauce also enhances - my learn something new thing for the day - that and a little sesame seeds and sesame oil and I am good!  

I am off to Disc World!  Hope you all have a pleasant evening!  Early morning for me with a meeting - fingers crossed and prayers that we get good news!  


                                                          PORK WON TONS

First I ground up some center cut pork in my handy grinder - I like the old fashioned food mills, they are awesome - the pork was very easy to grind.  I added a tablespoon of soy sauce, some finely chopped scallions - the recipe called for oyster sauce so I improvised and added some fish sauce.  I added a teaspoon of sugar and a teaspoon of cornstarch and some black pepper and mixed well.

Won Ton wrappers are easier to work with than I expected.  I laid out a few at a time and brushed with water, added a ball of meat mixture and folded them over corner to corner, sealing with a pinch and then sealed the sides.

While I was wrapping them I put the water on to boil, it said to use a sauce pan, add won tons stir and cover, return to a boil and remove cover, add a cup of cold water and cover, return to a boil.  I did that and watched them, testing one to make sure it was finished.

 I had opened a can of chicken broth, added the some soy sauce and scallions, chopped up to put my delicious won tons in.  The first batch I made I only made 6 won tons - so they were the testers.  I have been gung ho in the past with doing things all at once and learned the hard way to do a tester.

The six won tons went into a bowl with some broth and into my tummy and gone so quick that I had to make some more!  I could have eaten them all night!

I wrapped all of the rest and saved 8 more for the next day for two reasons...I wanted to see how they held up over night in the fridge already prepared.  Yesterday for lunch I found that overnight seemed fine, but I do not think that any more than a day would keep them as fresh as they do dry and get a little tacky.

This was a fun and easy meal to create!  I wanted something easy in order to get some practice for my real treat - crab rangoons!  Which I will be sharing with you as well!  I hope you found this useful and entertaining!  It made me hungry all over again for these delicious morsels and I can't wait to try other fillings as well!

Monday, February 4, 2013


Lately I have been feeling like I have been struck down with an illness.  I don't have a  cough, or a fever, and I do not think it is contagious per se, but I do believe I have it, it is called a lack of motivation!  While I do many things in a day, and they require time, thought, concentration and action, it is the things which I am walking around and avoiding which make me think this!

It is in my nature to procrastinate, it is my middle name.  I have been a procrastinator from way back.  Waiting until the last possible minute to even begin a task - making a mad dash to get everything done in a mad rush!

I think in that respect I am an adrenaline junkie!  My rush comes from the mad activity -  the organization of the chaos, the pressure of failure and the final completion and major pleasure in the accomplishment.  I don't do anything halfway and I give everything 100% once I am invested in the project.

As I look over the list of "TO DO" today, it makes me want to crawl back into bed and throw the covers over my head.  I see the list of "DONE" and on it is me!  I think I need to make a couple of adjustments, after having delegated my only necessary responsibility over to my good friend who did my banking for me to save me the walk in the treacherous cold February temperatures.  

It is my youngest sons birthday, and I am kinda disappointed that we have to postpone the celebration.  No birthday feast today for him and he doesn't want to celebrate in any way until he comes home.  My poor little lamb has not had one birthday in 15 years which has not been marked with some negative event or occurrence around it!  It makes me sad, as most of mine were good until I was about 13, and now they are just days.  Birthday feasts are traditional in my home for my children and a day just does not seem the same in that respect!  

I should be motivating and crossing things off of the list, but I think I will rewrite the list and begin on it tomorrow take some me time and watch an old movie, or a funny one and maybe work my way into some fun kitchen stuff, as I have begun the preparation for some won ton soup, one of my most favorite comfort foods, yet I have never made it.  I have however begun preparation for the won tons by grinding the pork and  mixing the filling!  The kitchen and my desire to learn a new task will probably win out after a movie, by then I will be hungry again!

Saturday, February 2, 2013


I embrace change.  Not constant - unstopping change of the negative kind that you get bombarded with so fast that it makes your head spin, but a steady, gradual change can be positive signs of growth.

I need routine, which helps me to mark my days and weeks so that they don't run away from me and before I know it years have passed in a blink of an eye, but I also like to change it up a little with random new activities and adventures.  To be cliche - variety is the spice of life!

I never set the course in my younger years and made solid plans, not because I am lazy or stupid, but because I have been overwhelmed at the reality of my life since I was a young girl.  Too many powerful and life changing events which put a huge imprint on my life and helped prevent me from moving forward, always feeling like I was just hanging in limbo.  Too difficult to do anymore but survive the battle!

I absorbed myself in reading and writing.  I alienated myself from the people around me, like a wild dog, or feral cat - finding it safer.  I made choices and decisions that hurt instead of helped me, and continued to spiral further away from myself.

One of the reasons I don't make plans is because for too many years I would look forward to something, only to have it not happen and I do not like disappointment.  So I learned how to avoid it.  Treading water most of my life trying not to drown - smiling - always smiling and hiding from the reality and truth that was my "life".

Learning how to feel again, to shut off the constant negative tape running in my head.  Seeing the truths which  I refused to accept and acknowledge, keeping hope locked in my heart, always hopeful, able to find some shred of a silver lining, even though I was usually lying to myself, making excuses for the actions - or lack of them from the people around me who were supposed to be protecting, caring for me and shaping my life.

I still do that today.  I have  learned not to accept responsibility for the actions of others - well I am trying!  I struggle not to be hurt by the insensitive feelings and actions by my extended family and accept the reality that is.  I am a 46 year old woman, living with the pain of a 4 year old child, the confusion in  my head is that of a small child, who cannot understand like an adult - even as an adult!

I struggle with the fact that I was taught values, and manners and not to lie by people who seem to have forgotten what they are, and I guess I see the truth through the lies, which really sucks.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  It is the actions which confirm that the words are lies and more lies and bullshit!

As I try not to let this conflict, not with myself, but with accepting the reality and not the responsibility, and not the guilt that I am having for recognizing and wanting to believe the lies and ignore the reality.  That would not be being true to myself.  Such a difficult reality to accept.  Will my choice to accept the reality and distance myself from the cancer which is my family - what is left of them, and one member in particular make me just as bad, insensitive, selfish and uncaring?


Today has been a welcome change!  After ending last night all riled up and high strung, forcing myself to go to bed at 1:00 after promising a friend I would get up and have breakfast at 8:30 out of the house - which are two things I don't normally do - leave the house early and eat breakfast, let alone in a restaurant before noon!

Of course I woke before the alarm feeling achy and stiff having not slept too well, I made a cup of tea, fired up the computer and checked out my life - blog - check my stats and comments, facebook - "Words" if I am feeling up for it - that is, if my brain is awake enough!

Emails to see how many millions I have been "given" for my participation, or FBI - I think they would show up instead of writing a spam email!  Backgammon if I have time - which I usually do, at least a few quick games to set my day off right, win, lose or draw - the challenge, the strategy and the mental stimulation!

I could not even go near G+ or else I would be sucked in for the day!  Too many interesting people and posts to interact with, especially after having been away for so long!

Tea, cigs, computer, shower, more computer - being careful not to get too involved as I wanted to be ready as my friend had to be to work at 11.  Not really awake, we take Grange Hill Road - nice scenic route, over the hill and through the woods, to Ozzies Family Restaurant in Hinsdale, MA, for a wonderful breakfast - two of the most delicious omelets, and amazing hash browns with perfect toast!

The atmosphere was so charming, the decor very pretty!  It was clean and had a separate dining room as well as the front of the house, with its tables and counters.  The staff was amazingly friendly and on the ball!  I highly recommend this for an wonderful New England Country breakfast at a very reasonable price!

That was just the beginning of the day!  After a ride back to town, a visit with some friends and a nice walk by the solar panels and lake where I used to walk my dog, despite the wind, it was a awesome morning, arriving back at home by 11:30 to catch a great radio show by my good friend Shane and have a tea and warm up!

I got some actual housework done, finally accepting the fact that I need a new vacuum, having done fine on the rugs, but the floors necessitated a sweeping after!  Vacuums are sort of a running joke in our house!  I own an Electrolux which needs a new hose, a Kirby with a Shampooer, awesome machine, but I need bags and my main bag is in the storage - somehow shuffled away from the machine - story of my life, but hey, the amount of things which I have reunited with their counterparts after years separate has exceed itself this year!  

Coming home today, I walked by a shop and outside was a wicker table, one that was mine, which I thought was in Tom's garage, but which I apparently left in one of my last three apartments, as it was there, in broad daylight!    Kind of ironic - I was just missing it the other day and wondering where it was - wonder if it is a sign or just coincidence?

After the vacuuming, I almost moved the living room around, the furniture was moved after cleaning anyway, it would have been easy - but more time consuming than the twenty minutes before my visit with two of my dearest friends!  So I threw it together the way it was, modifying it a wee bit, satisfied, it was noticeably better but still not perfect.

My friend Lori is crocheting me curtains for my dining room.  Whoever installed the double window must have been drunk because it doesn't have the same amount of space from one side to the other, I mean it is like a few inches off!  It is insane!  It drives me insane!

She is such a creative person!  She begins and ends a craft or project in no time, and I don't mean little ones either!  She brought over one of the completed panels of I thing 6, and we just talked about the project!  She began it only hours after we discussed it, mapping out the pattern and design in her head, having to sleep to solve a problem and woke up knowing the solution!

They are going to be great!  I cannot wait!  Then I will have to finish arranging the dining room for real!  I may seem slow, but I have moved the living room around three or four different ways since May, having to make allowances seasonally for the heating in the room in the winter, and the a.c. in the summer.  I don't mind, it is something I enjoy and I will know it is right when it is right!  It is fun turning a house into a home!

The day was so much nicer with things to occupy my now normal wait for 7:00 visits at the hospital.  After my friends left I did some more computer things and puttered around the house, listening to music and waiting for First Friday Art Walk, where local artists show all over downtown Pittsfield.

I was preparing to leave, bundling up in a few layers before throwing on a scarf, hat and gloves and my rabbit fur coat - wishing it were longer so my legs could have been as warm as the rest of me as I walked headlong into the wind, detouring to venture to the ice skating rink they put in the Berkshire Common on my way through the park!

It was half melted, yet still large.  I love ice, although I have a fear since I have become an adult, of falling in. This ice was poured on grass though, so I skated in my sneakers across the slippery surface, wishing I still had my ice skates, (which got ruined by mold in my last apartment, along with many other prized and some useless possessions as well,) grateful still - despite the freezing wind to have the ice to slide and swirl on.  There were amazing clouds in the sky, which were so fitting for the day!  Large, dark and ominous, yet fluffy and inviting in their formation.

I hightailed it for the Lichtenstein Center for the Arts - where I was greeted warmly by Megan, and the staff. I was delighted by my first art in months!  There were various artists and I could not pick one which I liked over all as there were too many wonderful painting to fill the senses!  Having an hour to take in all of the Art I could I headed to the Bus Station where there was a very interesting show going on, with an interesting sculpture made of gum which stood out most definitely!

A couple of stops later and I was on the second floor of the Artist Studios which, unless you have a studio, I think is only open for this event.  I love going up there.  My friend Diane Firtell has a studio, and she just moved, so I had to check out her new space, which I love.  People came in so bopped out.

I headed down the hall to drop in on Scott Taylor.  He is by far my idol in the painting world to date.  Not too many people were out so for a change his studio was not packed with people on top of the massive quantities of canvas he has lined up in rows.

They are usually tricky to look at in the crowd (his walls are completely covered with amazing colour, texture and feeling.  Have I said that I love his work?  I love talking with him as well, and he gave me his web address to his new site, which I admit, I checked out already and thanked him for the early preview!

On my way down the street, I ran into a young woman, who I met when she showed the last time I was at Art Walk a few months ago, our second encounter that evening, and we chatted on the street for a few minutes before I had to run off to my visit - after I stopped and picked up a candy bar, and had a good laugh with Deb at Rite Aid, another girl I went to school with.

It made the rest of the walk to the hospital a little warmer and before I knew it I was hugging my son, and we were eating candy and talking before the rest of the family arrived.  He was feeling better, and we discussed his upcoming birthday!  20 - Wow!  He is getting old!  He is my baby!  I cannot wait for Monday!

So after such an exciting day, I figured it would be an early evening, t.v., and bed after some computer.  I figured wrong.   Decided to make some buckwheat noodles, as I have not indulged in more than a week of my favorite noodles.  Everything was going fine, when the sesame seeds jumped off the counter and smashed on the floor, leaving me with a pile of sesame seeds to clean up when the phone rings.

My friend Mike, fresh out of work, trying to entice me to go out and hear some music, instead, detouring over to my house via the store, saving me a walk in the cold February night, before he headed out to hear some local musicians perform.  My friend Sunday also arrived, and the three of us hung out, and I beat Sunday for a change in the WII Tennis Three out of five.  She has been killing me for a few weeks and we are both very competitive with all things.  So I rule!

They left and I decided to jump on the computer, looking at stuff, and then writing this installment.  I really have enjoyed it, the whole day, but now my achy muscles are screaming at me and it is time to put my head to my pillow!

Pleasant dreams to you all!

Friday, February 1, 2013


Something funny is going on here in my life over the past few days.  It seems that I am being easily baited by very ignorant people and slipping too easily into old negative patterns of falling into junior high behavior and responding to it instead of ignoring it and walking away so to speak.

This evening, when I did walk away, went to the hospital, had a great visit with my son and family only to find that even though I was no longer involved in said conversation, I was apparently now the center of this womans' bad day.  Having made a few comments and highlighting my name in them, and continuing on even after I unfriended and blocked her.  I have never met, and don't want to. You can be sure that no matter how good the food is I will not be eating her food or referring her business, on the contrary, I will be dissuading everyone I know not to eat in her eatery for her cafeteria food!

I am a fan of local businesses and know many of the local business owners on a first name basis and they know me as well.  I stop in with many of them just to say Hi and on days when I am feeling not so cheery, they help me change my perspective (Thanks Teddy, Chin, Steve, just to name a few!)  I used to co own a business in West Stockbridge for five years and when I left people from three towns missed me and although it is 15 years later, when I run into my customers they talk and we laugh and share stories, hell, I have customers from when I was 16 and worked at Friendly's who followed me from restaurant to restaurant!

She disrespected a large portion of our community and I for one hate when people throw around words like living off the government and entitlement, and your parents should have taught you how to get a job and work.  Really?  Those people probably spend a portion of their social security checks on your food, and you want to take their money, smile and say thank you and then put them down on a social network!  She friends people randomly just to promote her business, when she friended me, I asked her if we knew each other, and she said no - this is how she gets business.  I hope there are others like me who she friended who are totally insulted by her narrow minded and insensitive remarks who do what should be done which is not to patronize her business!

If you want to make such judgemental remarks, say them on the phone to your mother, lover, girlfriend, boyfriend - whatever, don't insult the rest of the world by assuming they feel the same way, and if you do make hateful remarks, own them!!! Don't attack the person that says wow, that was harsh!  I knew I should have passed by the post, but how could I?  I am a little person who has always defended the little people.  I am not about to stop now, regardless!

The economy is in bad trouble everywhere, and alienating a large portion of people with remarks such as they were and not owning what you said and turning it around on another person is sickening!  How many people with mental health or disability issues want to be in that position?  The fact that they get government money and you don't and you think they make more than you?  Then you are in the wrong business because the roughly $900 or so that a person on social security gets a month does not cover much beyond rent, heat OR food.   Catch the heat or food part?

Also to say that people on food stamps do not eat healthy food anyway and do not come in your business is very rude and wrong!  How judgemental and irritating it is to me personally!  I do get social security, I do have a life, but I go to most of my events that I attend if they are not costing money, not by choice.  If I had the money I would pay for them, but volunteering does have its perks!  And I have been very fortunate to experience many great and wonderful people and events, helping me to change my negative view on people and the city I live in in general!

I haven't bought new clothes in many years, besides sneakers with my one remaining J.C. Penney credit card.  The last new to me clothes I got I bartered for, as I do most things.  I used to work and get paid $600 or more a week in my marketing job.  Do you think that it is any picnic to live on $900 a month?  In this economy it is not!  I went without oil last year - no hot showers, no heat, except for space heaters!  I got $16 a month in food stamps for two people.  Have you ever tried to live on that?  I don't think so!

Do you think I asked to get hit by a drunk girl and not get anything from it other than a disability?  How bout when I returned to work and got rear ended at a red light 4 months later which ended my career and my life?  I am still walking, talking, living and breathing, have all my limbs and don't look disabled, but I am in pain constantly, which I try to ignore or block out, and do not take medication for anymore and wouldn't even if I could find a doctor in my city who doesn't label every patient as a drug addict looking for drugs.  I wouldn't take a pain pill if I was in level 20 pain!!!

I owned my own house, until I did the American thing and refinanced and got bait and switched and lost everything, including the A++ credit it took me a long time to establish as a single parent raising three boys on my own with no support. To my credit, I had saved over $20,000 before my accident to buy my house, which I had to use to live while I was on Workman's Comp, and I did not even get that back when I settled my case.  I wish I could afford a lawyer to help straighten out my mess!

Did I ask for this?  Do I enjoy this?  Do I think it is alright for someone who "had a hard knock life" to bash others who have not been fortunate enough to rise above there misfortune?  NO, NO and definitely NO!!!  The world is messed up enough with out people putting down the less fortunate people in our community!  That is what is wrong with the world today!

Here I thought that I was getting into a good mindset.  Maybe I am just fooling myself, thinking that being nice to people, regardless of whether they wear suits, dresses, or baggy clothes would make a difference in this world!

I for one am insulted, offended and outraged!  Shame on you Brenda and Co!  I make my own homemade soups, desserts and cook really good food, I would spit on yours if it was worth it!  I am more mad at being sucked into another persons negative and narrow world!  Mad at myself and probably wont even sleep a wink tonight because of it!

So much for the universe getting back in line!  I think I was wrong in that respect!  If  "in line" means being consumed with anger then I am screwed!  I refuse to let this woman's negativity bother me any longer however!  Don't let my evil side out!  Give me strength to give it to god!  Sorry for the rant, but how is the world supposed to be a better place when people are so narrow minded and disrespectful?