MY CURRENT ZONE

I have had to greatly change the way that I do things over the past six weeks.  One big change I have made is not leaving my house even more than I would like.  Until I get a diagnosis on what is going on with this walking thing ( deja vu from a couple of years ago which led to surgery 100%) and trying not to aggravate the situation any more than I have to.  I have basically cut out everything except the shrink and the chiropractor.

I have been hating it and exploring things which can make my life, and my inability to walk the seven blocks to the supermarket and back 3x a week to pick up groceries.  I have been mail order shopping.  It started with just the 'heavy" items and kind of morphed as you have to fill the box - who wants to ship a partially full box? 

This has led to me getting back into the groove of being right where I like to be - stocked up.  What a delight it is to have more than one extra roll of toilet paper, soap and paper towels?  What started out as saving my back and body, has turned into a bit more than that? 

My UPS driver hates me I am sure, especially when Tom's favorite iced tea is by far less than what I could pay anywhere locally. which leads me to order three or four 30 quart dry mix (not realizing that I already had two on the shelf!)  Better his back than mine!!!

I just today, taking the shopping thing on a whole new level for me, by ordering a meat delivery. I  received my order short.  A call to the company corrected that and I get to wait for another package - the fun of it all!  A downfall, to say the least.

Shopping is fun for necessities and what is more of a necessity than shoes and boots?  I must have gotten lucky last year with the boots and shoes.  This last time, not so lucky.  The boots were too small, cute, but small and the sneakers are not at all what I can wear comfortably either.  Two choices to remedy this situation - return to store; or return in the mail.  Of course they get you for shipping charges through the mail and none at the store - opting for store myself.

I did score on the three cute tops that I got to go along with the shoes.  They were bargains and I am pleased!  No returns there!  It is fun to buy consignment, but there is nothing nicer than a brand new shirt with the tags on and more in style!

I know shopping local is important.  I normally do, which is tricky where I live.  Our downtown has some good stores to window shop or to buy a nice gift for someone, but the options are not what they once were, that is for sure!  I do what I can for the local merchants but there really isn't too much for the bulk of the community without costing $$$.

I do have to beg a ride to get a Turkey at one of the supermarkets.  There is no messing with Turkey day.  I am not about spending a ton of money for turkey - the cheaper the better - the larger the bird or birds.  We love a nice oven roasted turkey and all the trimmings and then the turkey soup which is a meal all in it's own.  'Tis the season after all!

Before all that I am looking forward to the 'dreaded' MRI which is not dreaded at all.  Two more days and probably a day or two to read and I will have something to go on, and at the very least peace of mind that this is how it is and that will be just one more adjustment.

I am on a mission, as I have been since those cursed accidents to adjust, adapt and go forward.  I really have been isolating for selfish reasons over the past two years but doing the basics of living, it figures that when I decide that I have had enough of it that my body would decide to protest and break down. 

Not that it was sudden.  I had been noticing and ignoring, as I have done before and will do for always I am sure.  Waiting until I can't take one more step or one more day of repeated pain accelerating  and worming its way into my waking moments and disrupting all pretense of sleep until it radiated into my spirit and made it impossible to ignore.  By then it was too late for me to pretend that everything was fine.

In April, walking in D.C. and pretending it was nothing when I had to sit down more frequently and for longer periods of time - kidding myself that it was normal.  Faking it through to September when I went to NYC pushing myself each step to get where I needed to go praying for a place to sit for just one second  and finding a cute little park - just one second...20 minutes later able to make my way on my way.  That is not the life for me, and it is NOT my life!  I do refuse to accept THAT reality!

Sometimes life is about making adjustments that suit you in the moment.  Take the steps to make life easier, these days, we do have options, and don't ignore the important things for too long -  if you don't get what you need locally, sometimes you have to step outside your ZONE to get the help you need.

Speaking of zones...still waiting for my primary to call me regarding a referral for the MRI I am getting on Thursday.  I am very thankful that a doctor outside my ZONE picked up where my primary can't seem to do the job!  I wonder if she will ever bother to call me back???  Two weeks and counting!!! Lord have mercy that inept and unprofessional will fall out of fashion soon!

SIDE NOTE:  I am kicking myself for listening to reviews regarding THE DARK TOWER movie by Stephen King.  I happened to watch it on demand the other night and it was excellent!!!  I just wish that I had seen it in the theatre as I had wanted to instead of being talked out of it by my son who shall be nameless.  I WILL be seeing the next part in the movie theatre!! 

dis CONTENTMENT

Last evening I wrote a piece called "Happiness Is..."  It was an attempt to fill a page in a quick minute to keep the momentum up and also some thoughts touching on some good feelings; some of the best.  It also served as a reminder to myself to be kinder to myself, something which I have been slacking in over the recent past.

I had been beating myself up for seemingly having lost my spontaneous creativity.  It began when I took a trip with my son to Washington D.C. to go to the March to support the Scientists and to get my housebound son out of his natural comfort zone to expose him to more of what he should be focusing on in my mind - living.

We had a great time despite the weather being a bit less nice than I thought it would be.  My son saved the day with an extra sweater which was most welcome at the time.  Washington D.C. is somewhere that I am semi familiar with from a couple of trips with my Grandparents and a trip with my eldest son and my Dad 20 years ago.

While much has stayed the same, much has changed.  Me getting lost leaving every time we left D.C. and headed back to our hotel in Virginia, in the same place mind you, got to be a laughing matter to me, not so much for my son :) 

Much of our time was spent walking and visiting the Smithsonian Museums.  My Grandmother was a teacher and one thing that was important was History.  I will never forget those days walking around and seeing great wonders of our land packed inside these huge rooms.  It was amazing.

The Museums have changed and much of the wonders I remember were unseen and unshown to my son.  We saw plenty.  More than the human brain can process properly in the days we were there, but which will stay with us forever.

I am living in my hometown where we have a lovely Museum.  This too is now going to change and not in a little enhancing way.  The proposed changes alter everything about our Museum including selling 40 of the best pieces of Art which were left to the Citizens of the City.  If you hit the link you will learn a great deal about our wonderful artifacts which shaped a great deal of people's lives.

While the changes, according to the Museum will enhance our community, it is unclear why the project has to be funded by selling our prized possessions.  This takes all the love and joy I feel for the Berkshire Museum, which I used to go to, and have enjoyed many good times over the past few years despite the changes which have already occurred.

It is a sad, sad day and it breaks into my sense of Contentment.  I walk by every Monday and enjoy the architecture of the building, the reliefs set into the top border, the top of the sun window that is above the Crane room which was in my childhood filled with these beautiful paintings which will never adorn the walls again.

We lived in an area where our ancestors knew the value of such jewels.  They could have kept these beautiful pieces of art in their own Mansions to enjoy, but that was not how they thought.  They wanted others to experience the beauty for themselves as well.

My last word on this sad subject is this.  It is easy in this day and age to take the lazy way out.  Just because you are able to do something, despite it being morally wrong doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do.  The rich people who would have cared about this art being sold are long gone, with a few remaining here and there who might not share the passion of their ancestors as strongly - now these prized and cherished pieces will be in the lavish homes of wealthy art appreciators (if they are so lucky) instead of at home in the Berkshire Museum where they belong.

HAPPINESS IS...

Happiness is highly connected to your level of contentment.  Being content and happy makes it easier to accept and handle whatever comes your way with grace and ease.

Start simple.  Be kind to yourself and others.  Notice beauty in each and every situation and surroundings. Do something nice for yourself at least once a month, be it a bunch of flowers or a treat that you can budget in without too much issue.

Appreciate what you have.  Dream about what you want.  Take steps to achieve what you dream.

Don't let the world get you down.  Shut off the television, the news and the negative impact it may or may not have in the future.  Trust that those who are in charge of those in charge are doing their jobs.

Have faith and know that tomorrow is another day and regardless of how you did yesterday you still have another chance to make it better tomorrow.

Smile.  It takes less energy and you look much better without a frown.

Laugh as much as you can - especially at yourself.  Laughter releases Happiness.

Relax. 

CLIMBING BACK IN THE SADDLE

Another Monday.  I am sitting waiting for my heating pad to heat up in the microwave.  It is one of the few things, aside from some non narcotic self medicating which works. I still don't know exactly what is wrong.  The only thing I get from my primary is 'everything is connected' - which she hates when I mirror that back to her.

She hasn't ordered a test for what ails me, but I am happy to report that I don't have breast cancer, and the colon cancer test I passed up four times over two visits has been scheduled, or should I say attempted to be unscheduled.

Fuck - diagnose what I came to you for - not some other issue that I don't really want to address on any level thank you very much!

Deja Vu - repeat of 2014 - reached out to my neurosurgeon, just under the three year cut off of not being a patient anymore, by a month and a couple of days- by the hair of my chinny chin chin to rob a saying.  Peace of mind at the ordering of an MRI to be diagnosed. 

Why do I have to reach out to one of the few doctors on the planet that I know, despite being further away, to find some doctoring and some compassion?   I need the compassion less, but it is a vicious cycle.  Take it back to 1999/2000 for that matter when I arrived in the place which I am once again when my problem was new and I was being told I didn't have a problem, or nerve damage for that matter.

I seriously do not know where I would be today if not for that medical intervention.  I find it kind of sickening to be sure.  I miss the days when doctors doctored and you didn't have to beg for help with words and tears to get help.

I don't know what I will do when he retires.  I think I will be screwed.  I don't see health care being any more patient friendly as time goes on with the way this administration is taking things.  The scale is tipped for poor people like myself.

I have been working very hard and am succeeding somewhat in my credit restoration project.  It is the one of the only silver lining in the previous three years of anger and isolation.  I am getting too comfortable with it in a way but everything is going to plan.

It's all about the balance - keeping the balances in good balance. My trick is to pay 2 or three times the minimum amount due back.  My new goal is to get lower interest credit cards to replace these initial credit cards, get the balances down and get a pre approval amount for a car and stop all this walking.  Winter is coming...it always seems to do that, come back, that is.

I am trying to not make any mistakes, my fault or just by bad timing, like when I refinanced my home and the 2008 crash happened.  If I had not done that I would still be in my wonderful little world all nice and cozy sitting by the fire as the river trickles by and the baby deer come down to the river in the morning for water....a vague memory in the land of Jen, not forgotten, never.

I have read more than one reference to the auto loan industry being the next housing market crash, so needless to say, I am a bit hesitant.  If anyone can pick the wrong time to do something, it would be this girl and I don't know if I could pull this recovery thing out of a hat again like I did this past time, nor would I want to.

I am also happy to see that my brain and my fingers are working together again.  I thank you for your continued reading and slightly feel the need to apologize for the past two blog posts that were warm ups.  I do my writing like I do my art and that is with no idea what is going to fill the page.  It is all random. 

I have been busy with 'research' which in the beginning was power watching enormous amounts of series of all sorts in the name of 'getting ideas' or examining other styles.  Then of course is my latest obsession which has been keeping up with the campaign against America.  I have a zillion thoughts on that, but I don't want to freak anyone out, nor do I want to drive anyone away.

That said, I am glad to be back in form.  With any luck and perseverance I will get back in the swing of things and writing interesting content for you to read on a regular basis.  Thanks again to all of my faithful followers and welcome to any new folks who take the time to read the rantings.

Time to micro the heating pad and see what has been going on in the world until T is ready to hang out -

peace