Thursday, January 15, 2015



I wonder what to do as I sink further and further down without a sound
Floundering as I am, as silent as a clam
Thoughts fill my head as my brain is filled with dread
I worry that you are wary of me when I cannot see beyond the voices in my head
the feelings deep in my soul have control
Triggered as I am, floating without a plan or a goal on how to regain control 
thoughts that fill me with fear and drive those who are near further away from me
Unable to say what is in my way
Knowing deep within my heart that this is causing the start of more we must face
Glad it is not a race since the pace I move is slow with so many miles to go
Waiting for the sun to come and warm my heart
Knowing it is too far away to help me today
All I can do is pray that you will not say
that you must go away  until the time when I once more shine
I wonder all the time
My face  ~ blank and lacking the smile that usually accompanies me
Not because of you my love who remains true never think it is you
which causes me to be blue as I wonder what to do to get me back to new.

Monday, January 5, 2015


I opted out of joining my man for coffee out this morning.  I am feeling tired, achy, stiff and completely worn out at the moment and it is freezing outside.  Yesterday I was looking forward to Monday after a two week break from my regularly scheduled counseling appointment but today is a different matter.

I have many things on my mind.  It has been a long two week break.  I have been busy in my life. There have been many new developments, unexpected developments at that, both good and some what questionable - the latter meaning not good or bad, just there.

In all of the excitement of the holidays I forgot the best news ever ~ I am going to be a Gramma again with a capital "G"!!!!  I have known for a while but it was not public information so I had to put it out of my mind.  It was a good thing I have barely been writing since it was most difficult to keep it to myself!!!!

My middle son and his Dad joined us for Christmas and it was a Merry Day indeed.  New Year's was quiet with family time hanging out in my room and watching videos and indulging in a box of Chocolates I forgot to gift.

I was still catching up with myself from Christmas.  That didn't stop us from taking a day trip to Northampton to our favourite coffee shop, book stores, galleries and of course the Forbes Library. I selected a copy of one of my other favourite old movies "Heaven Can Wait" with Don Ameche and Gene Tierney from 1943.

Armed with homemade hot chocolate and a bowl of popcorn it was a great way to spend a day which we did on Saturday.  Thomas had gone to his brothers for a couple of days so Richard and I spent as nice couple of hours relaxing and watching.  He had never seen it and he enjoyed it as well as I did and always do, it never gets old no matter how many times I see it.  It is another must see if you are into the classics.

We have been playing with the pasta maker as well, making not only spaghetti but fettuccine as well. My son Patrick was extremely interested in procedure and was watching me make the spaghetti the first time.  I set Richard to work making the fettuccine the second night and he had a blast as well. Soon we will be experts!!!

Our next short term goal is the Raviolis with proper filling and there is talk of making sausages, something I hadn't put on the list but I am game to try my hand.  A call to Utica to see if Richards sister had his mothers Sausage maker was a no so we need to find the proper equipment before we can attempt that goal.

Saturday evening I received a phone call while I was chatting with my Son and Granddaughter from a good friend of mine.  He handed the phone over to his company who wanted to say Hi and it was my Father of all people.

All of my father's and my mutual friends have been pushing for me and he to talk.  It has been a couple of years since my Dad and I have stopped talking over a stupid (to some) disagreement which wasn't really stupid.  Siding with a friend over family when the friend was clearly wrong was not the proper move in the game of our relationship.  He chose, I live with it.

It is the story of my life.  One which his friends do not understand.  There is a certain sense of betrayal when your father chooses his "street family" over his actual family and it is a reality I have lived with most of my life.

Needless to say, we talked and made plans to get together on Sunday.  I told him to phone me around noon as I was planning on going for coffee in the morning (tea for me).  He phoned around 8:40 a.m., too early for me!

I was sipping tea and turning yeast dough into cinnamon buns and coffee cake, having made dough the evening before.  When I finally finished, and before I could phone him back he phoned again.  By 10:30 he was at my door.

It wasn't awkward at all.  As a matter of fact it was not at all like a gap of a couple of years had evolved since we last spoke.  He came in bearing gifts and birthday cake and hugs.  I made some tea and we sat in the living room eating cake after he ceremoniously put 20 candles on the cake and sang me Happy Birthday.

We chatted a while.  I gave him a hard copy of one of my stories to read and he read it doing some editing for me.  Then he got on the computer and read more things for about two more hours.  That gave me time to bake the breads and begin un-decorating the tree and the house.

I also had to deal with finding out who gets the rent now that the Property Manager has died.  Since no one returned my call from the regular place three weeks ago about the broken kitchen sink (which we fixed on our own), I had to suck it up and phone the owner of the property who lives out of town.

Can you say vastly out of my comfort zone?  I had been putting it off for a while.  Once I dialed the phone and he answered it was all good.  I have lived here 4 going on 5 years and have never had a need to speak to him.  He was very nice despite being called on a Sunday at home.  He gave me the name and number of the new property managers (whom I must have missed being in and out of town the past few days).

We chatted for about twenty minutes.  He has some good stories and I feel confident that things will be okay here.  We even discussed the heating situation and they may upgrade to separate heating units in the future!!  I hope he does,then I will have less anxiety about being the one in control of the heat.

After my Dad could read no more we had more tea and some cinnamon rolls and chatted some more. Four hours passed like no time at all.  I had a huge mess going in the living room with all the decorations down and ready to be wrapped and packed and I needed a shower.

My man was very curious and anxious about my Dad and my reunion.  My family is different to say the least, from any family he had encountered in his lifetime I am sure.  I am surprised we haven't driven him away by our family structure alone, but he is a trooper indeed, even though I didn't have much to say about the visit, he was most happy that I wasn't upset or stressed out, and so was I!!!

I cannot predict the future,that is for sure.  One thing that remains true is that life isn't dull and I always can rely on the most unique and unexpected experiences in my life!  It is the ebb and flow ~ the waves come in and the waves go back out ~ one can never be sure what will come floating in or floating out.