Sunday, March 31, 2013


Happy Easter everyone!  Hope you are having a marvelous experience on this beautiful day!  I woke up with the sun shining and obviously did not make it to the sunrise service, although they were talking about one on t.v. at the Lincoln Memorial, which must be one heck of a place to see the sunrise!

I have baked Easter Sugar Cookies for my son's as they are favourites.  I did venture to make homemade chocolate, and the jury is still out on that one, as they are still a little tacky from the refrigerator, so I popped them in the freezer to see how they make out.

I will admit that I rolled some peanut butter balls, as a reader recommended and dipped them in some of my homemade chocolate, and I have sampled at least 4 of them between last night and this morning, and they are mighty tasty!  Thank you anonymous for the suggestion!  I could have eaten just the peanut butter confectionery sugar mix straight up it was so yummy!

Making homemade chocolate was fun!  I have no pictures as the process was quite involved and cost me one blender/food processor base!  Oh well, it was old and not too expensive and well worth the experience!     It was quite messy as well!  Chocolate just appeared to be everywhere!

I took a break last night from my dough prep and chocolate making and made it out for a bit of entertainment.  I got to hear an amazing Blues Band   T-Bone Daddy in an establishment I had never been in before up the street from my house.  If you ever get an opportunity to see these guys please do it!  They really are an amazing trio of musicians who can really hold their own and then some.  Amazing guitar, bass and drums alike!  After a wonderful musical experience I made it safely home through the Common with no giant Easter Bunny attacks!  It was a beautiful night for a walk, the air had just the right amount of nippiness to it!

This morning I awoke and the Easter Bunny had left a basket of goodies outside my door for my son and myself full of candy and a smiley key chain and a card from my good friend +Mike Pezzo !  Thanks Mike!  It is very cool to be surprised like that!

We are having an afternoon dinner as my son has to work until 2:00, so we could be eating anywhere from 4 to 6 p.m.  No worries though!  My biggest task today is peeling potatoes, as no holiday meal is complete without the ton of garlic mashed potatoes required for my family!

One of my acquaintances is taking her mishap of a broken stove/oven to take it as a sign to just relax and enjoy the day!  That is one of the great things about her!  Don't get mad, roll with the punches!  I offered up my oven but she is chill!  Way to go Donna!  Outlook is everything!

Congratulations as well to Richard!  I just saw that his blog/book is being offered through Amazon!  Way to go!  I love the story and hope you all get a chance to check it out as well!  NO CURE FOR THE MEDIEVAL MIND, VOLUME 1 AVAILABLE ON AMAZON!!

Here is my wish today, I wish you all the ability to have a great outlook regardless of what set backs come your way!  Count your blessings and let go of the rest!  Enjoy your meal and your candy, but do not forget to brush your teeth after all that sugar!

Peace and blessings!!!

Saturday, March 30, 2013


Ever wake up and think - this is going to be one of those days?  I am feeling like that right now!  My head and neck are killing me, and my tummy is about toast for no reason ~ wish I could blame it on a hangover, but no, not this chick!  If it were not such a beautiful and sunny day outside my window I think I would just go back to bed and wait for Sunday!

More caffeine is definitely in order and not the decaffeinated type either!  I think it is going to take a gallon of tea to get this head straight today!  I am feeling a bit "anti" everything today.  I am hoping that the fun projects I have planned for Easter prep will rattle me back into my normal cheery self!

We all have days like these.  Back in the day these days could stretched for weeks and weeks, one thing on top of another making my mood worse instead of better.  I call them the old days because I work really hard to do the mind shift thing, focus on bigger and better things, think happy thoughts and shift my perception.

In the old days, after a run of these days, I would go visit my home away from home in Pompano Beach, Florida, absorb some sun and some pool time and chill.  Something about a change in weather and people have a wonderful effect on the psyche.  The only problem is that you can only escape for a short time and them you have to return!

Usually though, when you returned it was with a different outlook and things would be okay regardless of what was going on.  A recharge or reboot, replenishing the cup so they say.  Cuz my cup is definitely half empty at this moment!

On a brighter note, I did get my son's room almost done, with the blankets and curtains going through the ritual of spring cleaning.  Probably why my neck is killing me.  These micro bursts of activity - the four loads of laundry, up and down the stairs, folding and lifting and carrying really do a number on me.  Not listening to my broken body and taking a break when I need it is also to blame and staying up way too late on top of that I set myself up for this one!

I am feeling the need for an adventure of any sort.  Envious of those who get to travel and hop into trees to avoid wild pigs!  +Marguerita Farrell had me out in the bush yesterday, laughing my ass off as I read her blog out loud and genuinely!  She always leaves off with thank you for sharing your world with me, well, I want to send her a huge "Thanks" cuz I really needed that, and as I think back to her tale, I continue to laugh out loud all over again!

I was thinking last night about my own adventures of silly and random experiences - actually it was more like trying to remember one - just one over the past 5 years since my life drastically changed and you know what - I could not do it!  I had to scan through my memory banks so far back to get a vague recall and by vague I mean none what so ever!  Quite depressing actually!  No wonder my head and stomach do not feel right today!

Here is to the discovery of caffeine and hoping it works on this girl today because she does not need this today at all!  Happy Day before Easter everyone!

Friday, March 29, 2013


Easter is Sunday and here I am at the last minute figuring out what to do about it.  Or, more to the point, something fun that I can do to enhance the day.  It is not going to be a big family day here, as my oldest son and his wife have other obligations with the munchkin.  

So it will be a small family gathering with two out of three sons and one Dad present and accounted for, who is also bringing the ham (of course before hand so I can cook it)!  I am the great planner who bought ham last week as a food stretcher for the end of the month, not realizing it was Easter the next week, so I in reality already went through ham dinner last Saturday.

I was going to just make a center cut pork roast which in my opinion is just as delicious, but my middle son got a whine on about ham, so his Dad is going to accommodate.  I never need a reason to cook as you all may have gathered by now, but like I said, must do something different with what I have on hand.

I have found two ways to make chocolate and may just make my own chocolate as I pull out the Easter decorations and make some homemade goodies.  The boys always loved homemade chocolate when they were younger when I was fooling around with the candy molds I bought in the clearance aisle when I used to have disposable income. 

 (MY favorite aisles in the whole store for sure I have found so many cool, and useful at some point in time objects, from crafts, cooking, decorating, fabric, home, or auto - you name it, if it is on clearance enough to be worthwhile - eventually it will come in handy.)

Nobody eats  hard boiled eggs here so the whole decorating eggs became useless years ago.  I do want to try hollowing out and decorating an egg one day, but today is not the day!  Need to do some more research on that one!

                                                       Homemade Chocolate Recipe

Cocoa powder - 220g (2 cups)
Butter - 160g (3/4 of a cup)
Water - 230ml (1 cup)
Flour - 30g (1/4 of a cup)
Sugar -120g (1/2 of a cup) - if possible use powdered sugar

Take 220g (2 cups) of coca powder (make sure you take as finer powder you can find, look at the picture) and put them in a bowl. Take 160g (3/4 of a cup) of butter and put them in bowl containing the cocoa powder. Using a spoon grind bigger pieces of cocoa powder. I recommend chopping the butter in smaller pieces for easier processing. Put the contents of the bowl in a blender or a food processor and blend them into a fine paste (check the last picture), if you don't have an access to a blender or a food processor you can use a regular mixer for the job but I will warn you, it will be messy.

Put 230ml (1 cup) of water in a pot and put the paste you made in previous step in it. Heat it up until its hot, but not boiling. Put the fluid back in the bowl and add 150ml (2/3 of a cup) of milk , 30g (1/4 of a cup) of flour and 120g (1/2 of a cup) of sugar in while it hot. Put the mass in a food processor or mix it by hand until you get rid of the lumps.

Put the chocolate in different molds, ice cube trays, bowls to get different chocolate shapes and put in a fridge or the freezer for at least 6 hours. After it cools remove the chocolate form the mold using a knife and enjoy your homemade chocolate.

I thought I would share it with you, just in case you are feeling creative and ambitious before the holiday!  Looks fairly easy, sounds fairly easy and they showed using ice cube trays as molds or a pan, I have molds for chocolate, so I am not worried myself, just offering up suggestions!  

Have a great time, have some fun and have a great time!

Thursday, March 28, 2013


I feel really bad for a friend of mine who is dealing with some personal family issues with his child.  I am not really sure how to be a supportive friend in this situation other than just being a friend and listening to his battle with himself and the guilt as a parent that he feels is oh so familiar to me.  (The guilt part that is)!

The child is not really a child at all, she is an adult who is struggling to be an adult and who lives like an adult, meaning she does what she wants, yet she is still dependent on both of her parents and doesn't want to accept responsibility for her actions which got her into said situation in the first place and who use the big "M" word as in manipulation to increase his guilt.

Family dynamics are a funny thing.  Guilt and manipulation are things I try to avoid.  I hate when people try to  make me feel both guilty and try to manipulate a situation instead of dealing with the problem, to control and be abusive.  I am thankful that I read a great book years ago which helped me to recognize these behaviors as I used to be a victim of these actions by my own children and loved ones.

When you are in said situation though, it is difficult if you do not recognize the symptoms and the flags.  Even though I recognize - I do not feel comfortable sharing my awareness.  Words, family and friends and interpretations by an outsider, no matter how much of a friend can backfire and ruin friendships.  I have learned the hard way too many times, despite being asked for my opinion, feelings, or view.

The fresh eyes of someone on the outside may be said to be appreciated, but in the long run they do come back and bite you in the ass!  I for one do not have enough friends to sabotage one of the few that I do have.  Blood is thicker than friendship after all.   And then again, blood does not mean jack to some people, as it means to me, which makes life a double edged sword.

Just last week, I interfered in one of my own children's lives, by doing what I thought was a favour, and instead, my child was mad at me for two days for the interference.  It really bothered me, until he told me to forget about it.

My own father stopped talking to me as well recently because I was pointing out the reality of a situation, which he sees and knows, but which I guess he wanted not to accept or hear about from me, so he chose to stop being my father and my friend yet again, which caused a ripple effect through out my "family" or rather his family and put me in bad light.  What else is new??  If I am not in bad light I am in no light with those people anyway!!!

Life is way to short for my tears, my words of advice even when solicited are mainly used against me in the end, so there is nothing more that I can really do or say.  It may appear in that case that I am cold and unfeeling, but I am not.  I feel too much and I believe in speaking the truth, but sometimes you have to know when to bite your tongue and let nature take its course!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


Boredom has definitely set in!  I have read, played games, chatted with people, played more games, visited with real people, cooked, cleaned, napped, crochet, rolled cigs and I have drank more tea than one person should for the day!

I wish spring would just get here already so I can begin my day the right way by sitting on my back deck absorbing sunshine, listening to music and working on my tan!  The sun is there, waiting, but it is just not warm enough yet for me to spend my mornings there.

I have become de-sensitized now that I do not walk my dog Simba five times a day 365 days a year, through wind, snow, sun and rain.  I have turned into a girl (substitute slang word for cat for girl and that is really what I am being)  in the respect that if the temperature is not warm, I am not going outside period.

I never realized how much that dog was a benefit.  When I was forced to move back to Pittsfield, the only reason why I ever left my apartment was to walk him.  Facing my fears with a fierce looking dog on the end of the lease, I had nothing to fear.

Now, I must say, my motivation in leaving the house during colder temperatures that I want to expose myself to without a very good reason is practically nil!  To say that cabin fever is settling in would be a total understatement.

Yesterday, I was asked to walk my friends dog as she had transportation and time issues while working, which I gladly did for an hour.  This sweet dog is a terrier poodle, like we used to own and breed in West Stockbridge sixteen years ago and is a beautiful grey with black trim, so lovable and huggable -  the exact opposite of my Akita Chow mix with his big teeth!  I think it reminded me how much I miss my beloved pooch of 10 years.

At first, it was a blessing not having to care for my pet, but it is overwhelmingly sad to think about all the love I had for him, and he me, despite the work!  I reluctantly gave him up to move into a mold free house, even though I couldn't bring my pooch!

Trying to stay optimistic without warm sunshine after a long winter is horribly trying at this moment in time.  And let's not even mention that crazy full moon that is going to be flying high and bright in the sky tonight!  It is supposed to be a "bad" moon, if you believe in that stuff.  Maybe that is why everyone is so sleepy and out of sorts today?!!?

Oh well!  It could be worse!  Off to crochet some more to at least be productive and to save on smoking all of my cigarettes!  Hope you all survive the moon and the slow coming of Spring!  Trying to think warm thoughts!  Maybe if we all do the Universe may answer with some warm sunshine and less wind!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I was asked yesterday why I began my blog.  At first I said that I didn't know, but after thinking a moment about it I remembered through the cobwebs of seven months ago why I began writing my blog.  It was a couple of weeks after I attended a show at the Berkshire Museum which my friend Diane invited me to, she and a group of people were doing presentations with pictures and words, themed, I forget the official name of the program, although it was very interesting.

One of the presenters had shown a blog story he was doing which interested me, but he had shown random segments of his blog.  A few weeks later I was at the Lichtenstein Center for the Arts, and there were more segments to his story, also random.

Shortly after that, I happened upon the creator himself, Richard, having coffee outside a cafe on North Street.  I seldom approach strangers, but I wanted to read the whole story not just a few random posts.  I am a firm believer of starting at the beginning of a story and he was gracious enough to allow me to sit down and discuss his blog and connect me with the link.

After I returned from my friends cookout that day - the best barbecue I have ever eaten, I looked up the blog "No Cure for the Medieval Mind" and read.  For two days I read until I came to the end of what he had written and wanted more.  Every day it is the first thing I do, after I check my own stats on my blog, that is.  The day's that he is later than I am I am like a junkie, checking for his next post.

I sent him a message and expressed my love of his blog story.  That was in September.  He wrote me back and asked me what kind of person would find his story interesting, if I do recall correctly.  That made me pause.  Being a woman with no clear answer to that question.

Around the same time, I began hanging out with a new friend and over the course of our in depth conversations and after much thought and pondering I discovered that what I see as what kind of person the "Who am I" and what the outside world sees are two different things.  My perspective comes with layers and layers of shadows, light, and blurry distortions.  I could not answer who I was because who I am is a mystery to me.

My answer to his question came in the form of this blog.  My personal journey of self discovery.  What a journey it has been!  I am still discovering the answer to that question, but it made me look at myself and uncover so many layers to myself and  things that I did not realized defined me.  Things that had been set aside, to make way for other things in life.  Hence, I am a work in progress.

I am a very private person normally, so it amazes me every day that I write and I share details and deep feelings so freely.  I am also amazed that anyone reads it at all but the numbers do not lie and people do read, respond, engage and support my endeavor.

It is not a money making endeavor.  But it is a priceless journey that I have been on with my 110 posts after this one.  I watched my numbers rise from 23 views in a month to over 900 views in a month in what feels like a blink of an eye!  I feel blessed by the support and encouragement from friends and strangers alike!

It is like therapy to me, and practice, as I always wanted to write a book, since I was a teenager.  I love the ease in which the words flow from my brain to my fingertips and to the page.  Perhaps it will be my stepping stone, who knows?!

Monday, March 25, 2013


I have noticed a shift in myself since my "adventures with family" last week.  Facing my truth and reality, and hearing the perceptions of others that think they "know" but they don't know my reality, my experiences and my reasons brought things closer to the front of my brain after I stuffed them away.  I did not focus on my loss of family inclusion, as I never have been included anyway.  Falling short of their expectations and living my life without them, sad that they could not share in the happiest time of my entire life, my house, my children's lives - their loss - not mine.

Having had the strength to be myself and not that person worried about what other people think, do or say to me or about me, I think I rose above the situation.  It certainly has opened up a couple of things for me for the better.  For one thing, after many years of not dreaming, I have begun to dream pretty regularly over the past  five days, my creative side has opened up, and I have accomplished many goals.

Dreams for me over the course of my life have been very clear, colourful, vivid and my dream state was very active.  Over the past few years, not so much.  Noticing the lack of dreams while not on medication, did concern me for a fleeting second, and fleeting is the key word here, as I have bigger problems to occupy my brain.  It is nice to have them back, even if I do not remember them too clearly, just being aware that I am dreaming again is nice.

I took away the "dump station" status in my dining room, my final downstairs room to get in order.  I had set a goal for Saturday to have that finished, planning a nice ham dinner for my son and myself and my best friend +Mike Pezzo to repay some of his kindness for helping me out when I needed it, as we both help each other out, it was more a gesture, but I told him we would have a dining room meal, as we could not put a whole ham dinner on the small table in the kitchen.  In our tradition of "pre-holiday" meals, I guess you could call it an early Easter dinner.

I had awakened kind of late on Saturday, so shoveled out the dining room, and did a fair job of it in a short time.  An unexpected call from my old neighbor in West Pittsfield asking if she could come over for tea while she was in the neighborhood (a delightful surprise) made me look around my apartment and in amazement realized how in order everything really was - not just the dining room but all of the "public" rooms.  I was awed to see just how together I had gotten things!

I was pleased that she was pleased to note that I was using the hutch in the house (she had given it to me and thought it was going on the porch where we had put in when her husband dropped it off), but it is too fine to stay on the porch and I needed to do some arranging to fit it in before I could just bring it in the house.  It reminds me everyday of her and her family and the countless good memories we share together, even if they were from years gone by.  It is nice to be making new memories with her as an adult.

She came over after reading my blog to see my Pieta and my "blue" statues.  We sat in my living room, which is my favorite room in this apartment. My living room is a mini art gallery of my life which my friend Laurie says I am "nesting" in...she may be right.  I love the room and love to see peoples reaction to it.  Sometimes I wonder if it is too busy, but it is just a total three dimensional collage of me and my life and my interests and likes, my books, my music, my nick knacks, my life fills the room!

Time passed really quickly Saturday, and it was almost four o'clock before I threw the ham in the oven, took a shower and removed the leaf from the dining room table and set the table.  Plenty of time, as dinner was not until 6:00 and I was pleased to have the apple crisp ready to go in the oven when the ham came out.  We feasted - after all the chicken and pasta this month it was nice to have a real meal complete with dessert!  No one left the table hungry and we had dessert twice!

I have also been working on a blanket which I am crocheting for myself.  I began it so many years ago I cannot even remember if it has been five or ten years.  I go in spurts, having to be settled in my day to day before tackling extra things like this.  I may even finish it one of these days soon!

Yesterday, I walked into my dining room and made a couple of more improvements and am almost satisfied. Having to work on a lighting issue before I will be totally satisfied, and frame somethings up for a "new" creative endeavor, a collage of sorts marking all of the events and measures of personal growth I have advanced in over the past two years.

I really like my creative side coming through!  While waiting for the nice weather, working on my flowers, and finally separating my baby orchid which grew off my main orchid (hoping both survive).  Which I have been afraid to do, knowing that neither will thrive or flower until I did so.  Fingers crossed!

I don't know what the reasons are for the shift in my brain, but I for one am pleased beyond words to be in this place right now!

Saturday, March 23, 2013


I am in "past reality overload" due to being around my family yesterday.  It is overwhelmingly uncomfortable and slightly maddening.  I  have decided to share a nice memory to take my mind off of the insane thoughts racing through my brain.

After we moved to West Pittsfield when I was in the fourth or fifth grade.  Joe, my "step - father" had a little closet under the stairs.  One day, he took a couple of things out from under the stairs to clean it out or what not, the details are not really clear on the why.

It was a turning point in my life because he found this statue of Michelangelo's "Pieta".  It was the day that I discovered art and beauty in the form of this beautiful statue.  It was not beautiful when it came out of that little space under the stairs however - it was covered in years and layers of gook and dust.

My maternal grandparents were overtly Catholic, attending Mass weekly and religiously praying before each religious family meal feast.  In our home, however, we were not so overtly religious as my mother was ex-communicated from the Church, and my father and his family were Protestant.  My Mother left it to us (my brother and I to make our own decision regarding religion when we were old enough to decide.

Before we moved to West Pittsfield, while I struggled to come to terms with my parents split up and my Dad's close brush with death for the second time in my life via the car accident with his broken neck, I used to spend time at St. Charles Church, which was the church I was baptized in and the one my Grandparents attended every week.  It was between my elementary school and our apartment on Briggs Avenue.

When I had a particularly trying day at school or just with life in general I would go into the church and pray, and read the Stations of the Cross and absorb the overall quiet and comfort of the large empty church with its beautiful stained glass windows and ornate Altar and Balcony and Organ.  No one was ever in the Church and it was a time when churches were still unlocked and accessible to the public.

Like Pittsfield General Hospital where my Father was in for his broken neck, no one ever stopped or questioned me when I was wandering by myself in this place even though I was a young child.  It was comforting and calming to me.  Churches and cemeteries have that power to soothe me when I am troubled even to this day.

When Joe pulled this statue out from under the stairs all dirty and hidden, my first thought was that is was sacrilegious to have had such a beautiful religious work hidden and neglected as it were.  My second thought was how do I make it beautiful again without ruining it.  So I thought about it.  I was worried and did not want to just wash it in warm soapy water and have it disintegrate before my eyes (that would have been just my luck!)

I got some baking soda and water and a old toothbrush and I worked on restoring this statue, after testing a discreet part to see if it would even work.  After I was sure it would do more good than harm I painstakingly cleaned and claimed this statue for my own.  I cannot remember how many hours I painstakingly cleaned every nick and cranny of this beautiful piece of art.  Knowing it was probably owned by one of his relatives and given to him from the Old Country.

I cherished that Pieta and began reading about Michelangelo  who is one of my favorite artists and it has always been one of my hidden desires to learn to sculpt great masterpieces out of a block of stone.  I am a coward though and never have tried, although the desire is still there.

That lead to Art Class at Taconic High School under the tutelage of Morris Bennett, whose style of art, although modern, led me to explore other mediums of art.  Many other mediums of art.  I could not get enough of escaping with my art book with me during every waking moment in order to sketch while I was thinking, sitting by the side of the river on my favorite "floating rock" behind our house, or walking through the woods.

We used to have a great art supply store and I still remember the day that I found calligraphy pens with tubes of vibrant ink choices and different tips to use, which I can do letters and write, but I wasn't about that, my work was usually combinations of things, pictures within pictures, as things were never clear in my life, always hidden, but if you look closely enough you could see them.

Art was a great escape for me as I recall  now.  And once I learned to get a pass from Mr. Bennett, instead of skipping his class to be outside and drawing, life was good.  I loved his class.  He did not teach us.  He let us explore and create.  I also wanted to learn oil painting but I was such a coward to even bring it up.  It is totally on my list and maybe one day when I can create again I will try to learn.

My talent for art comes and goes.  It is mostly gone as I block everything - fight myself in a way not secure enough to let my guard down and express myself without feeling judgement of myself.  Hence this blog, which is my main outlet for creativity and allowance of freedom of expression.  I used to write as well during those troubled years, privately for my sanity.

I am a huge appreciator of Art and one thing I look forward to every month is The First Friday Art Walk so I can absorb art and it has reminded me that I am an art person.  I am not an artist, but deep down inside perhaps I am.  I have an eye for beauty and an open mind.

I digress however from my story.  This Pieta has been with me most of the time since I cleaned it.  However, the first time my parents locked me out and threw me aside because of a man I liked, Joe, my stepfather took the Pieta so that I could not have it.  He had it for a couple of years and when they started talking to me again I could have cried when I saw the state of my beautiful statue, dirty and covered.  When they loved me again I reacquired my Pieta and I cleaned it up again.  It seemed to be dirtier than it had been when I originally found it!

I have held onto and cherished that statue now for more thirty-sh years. I keep it on a shelf always, with my step father's dog off his dump truck which he drove, a box I cherish from an old friend who died the day after he gave me the box, all the mass cards from my family and friends who have gone before me -thank god, you do not need invitations to funerals - as it is the only time I see my family. Another Pieta a man I loved got for me when he went to Italy - which although that was 24 years ago I acquired the second smaller one, I have never had to clean  either. (Thank you Mario).  Pictured above.  I am not religious, although I am very spiritual.

I have never had to clean it again, sure I blow the dust off it now and again, and recently got an eyeful of dust, but never again has it ever gotten like that, and it has been as when he took it out of spite.  I think there is a moral in there somewhere.

Friday, March 22, 2013


The service for my Great Aunt was very nice.  The usual Catholic Mass, complete with communion and a small sermon on belonging.  It was very touching.  My cousins did a beautiful job in planning and there was a small group of people at the Funeral Parlor, Church and Cemetery.

Afterwards the family and close friends had brunch together and it was very nice to see everyone and catch up with some of the news of the past few years.  I met a couple of relatives whom I have never met before and saw some cousins whom I used to spend time with but not so much since elementary school days.  I had even forgotten that one of my cousins taught one of my sons in Elementary School in the fourth grade, when she asked me about him, I had to ask her how she knew him, and she reminded me!  Boy am I a forgetful person!

It was nice spending time with my brother.  He lives a couple of states away, having left for college and not living here after college - marrying, having a child -  we rarely ever speak to each other but when we do it is like no time has passed, just a lot of events called life in between.  I love my baby brother!!  I  can't believe my nephew is going to be what - 16 this year!  It is unfortunate that peoples lives take them in different directions and that time goes by so quickly!

He is one person that no matter how infrequently that I see, I never doubt that he loves me.  When my Dad left and my Mom had to work all of the time to support the two of us, it was my job to protect him and look after him, which I would did (except for the pins in his bed)  and still would do.  Even though I was jealous when we were little about how much everyone loved my fat little curly headed blond haired brother, he meant the world to me, and still does.

I am so glad that he got away from here and has a good life and is a wonderful Dad.  I am very proud of him!  Thankfully he does not spend his life being a wise guy anymore and pushing my buttons!  He finally got to see my new home, which got his approval!  Yeah!

I am really tired from worrying about everything in advance like I do.  I am that way.  I picture the worse and hope for the best.  Now the best would have been if my Mom would have talked to me, but I will settle for having sat at a table and had a meal with her and my brother and a couple of Uncles and Cousins without her  getting up and moving to another table.  She even laughed a little.

I know that she will never forgive me and she blames me for things that I am partially responsible for, but I was being a Mom and looking out for my children, which I do hope she will see one day, I doubt that day will ever come though.  We are both stubborn people and the road to forgiveness is long and winding to say the least.  I am definitely my mother's daughter though and I wish that I could tell her that she was right about so many things but also wrong about others.  I think she would be surprised at how much I have grown as a person.

As our family gets smaller and time gets shorter I find that I do understand a little more clearly each day how important it is to cherish your loved ones.  Life is so short - to short to waste on grudges and hurt feelings.  You cannot change the past.  You can only make a better future.  No one lives forever and I would hate it if my mother never forgave me - although she is doing a really good job on making it feel like forever and never!

It would be nice to turn back time and have a redo knowing all of the things that I know know in order to make different choices, unsay words, un feel feelings, I know that is impossible.  I wish I were young again, sitting at our cottage on the lake, floating in the water and not concerned about anything.

When you are young you don't really understand how monumental your choices or lack of choices will affect your entire life!  I know that now.  The lessons in life we learn!  With hope it is not too late!  I do know that you are never too old to learn new tricks, and here is to two old dogs learning how to forgive and forget and love each other again.

Thursday, March 21, 2013


The stress and anxiety is killing me as I prepare for tomorrows funeral.  I have been dealing with the physical symptoms of stress, which just got worse and worse yesterday.  Today, I did manage to get dressed and leave my house to do some errands which took my mind off of things.

I am going to be a pall bearer for my Great Aunt Rose Mary.  That is the easy part.  I have spoken to my cousin who seems to be doing okay, been in contact with a couple of my Uncle's as well.  I also set up transportation in the morning so I don't have to fast walk to the funeral parlor which will help.  I have a vague idea of which of my black outfits I am going to wear as well.   I am however, playing it by ear as to whether I go to the after brunch.  It depends on how uncomfortable my mother makes me and everyone else in the family.

It is weird, I never dream anymore and last night I had one of the weirdest dreams in the history of my life.  I am not sure what exactly triggered it.  Triggers are funny like that.  When I awoke and gravity would not allow me to lift my body out of the bed, I went back to sleep.  It was a miracle I even surfaced at all today!

A lot of memories, both good and bad crept into my head over the past 36 hours.  It was worse than looking at photos of my life a few months ago, which brought forth so many negative and unsettling memories from my life and made me have to stop looking at the photos of my babies when they were little and as they grew up.

Overall, I cannot wait to see my family.  I spoke to my Aunt's son for more than an hour today.  We spent a lot of time at my Great Grandparents cottage on the lake while we were growing up.  I was always very comfortable there at the summer cottage.  It was a place I would even drive to just for fun when no one was there to just sit on the dock or on the lawn and look at the lake and just feel better all the way around.

After my Grandfather acquired it, that changed and we were both less comfortable being there, although I think for the two of us it was our safe place in a way.  As I prepare for the day tomorrow, I wish that I still had that luxury, but I have not been to the cottage in longer than it has been since I stopped talking to my Mother.  Without a car, it is a little difficult to get there.  Times like these I  would like nothing better to get in a car and drive to no where, just to clear my head like the good old days.  Ah, the things we miss in life!

I do miss my mother quite a bit, and wish that she wasn't as hard and closed off to me.  Before my son's wedding I did try to talk to her, but she does know how to hold a grudge.  I am sure in her head she can justify it.  It is un-nerving to walk into the supermarket where my Mom works and have her see me and look right through me.

I should be used to being outcast and the outsider.  I have been my entire life in both of my families, mothers and fathers alike.  People like me who don't belong anywhere and who never really have belonged anywhere (except to my children, who kind of have to love me just because I am their Mom) develop a mask that doesn't show the pain of their hearts breaking into a million pieces.

Hence, trying to develop my social skills and trying to find a bit of self confidence and see what good qualities that other people who are not related to me see clearly enough.  All I see is me working on not turning into a cold hearted person without feelings, because I do have feelings and the greatest one being love.

So I prepare for the show.  Alone, walking into the lions den.  Trying not to be the meal of the day.  Trying not to show the pain that I feel.  Putting on a brave face, the mask which I have not had to put on for a while.   I will be brave.  I will not show the rest of the world how scared and nervous I am.  I will smile, make small talk and avoid at all costs breaking into a million pieces in public.  When I get home, it may be a whole other story.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


It is a sad day today.  I just woke up and got a message from my cousin that her mom, my Great Aunt/godmother passed away.  I have not seen my Aunt Rosemary for some time and was hoping to see her over the weekend, except I have been sick as well.  I am thankful that my cousin messaged me to let me know.

I have been sitting here kind of in a daze, thinking of all of the Sunday's and times at the Lake with my Great Grandmother, and our Sunday cookouts, where her husband, who was our cook at our cookouts every Sunday until he passed  many years ago, cooked the hot dogs the only way I will eat them - very charbroiled, almost to the point of burnt.  Getting thrown in the lake off the end of the dock and the security and happiness we all felt there.

My Great Aunt Rosemary was a wonderful lady.  she made the brownies.  That is how my youngest son will remember her.  In my estimation she was the nicest of my Grandfather's siblings.  Not that they were not all  nice, it is just she wasn't as scary as the rest of them, with their French/German demeanor.

Family is important to me.  I have been separate from my family for many years now, not really by choice, but by life.  It will not be a good time for me to reunite with my family, on the contrary, it will be very awkward and uncomfortable given the state of my mother and my relationship.

It was awful at my grandfather's wake and funeral a few years back.  My mother is very intimidating and everyone is afraid to talk to me when she is in the room.  I can feel the anxiety already, mixing in with the sadness I feel about the loss of my Great Aunt.

It is a horrible feeling to be sure.  All of these years away from the unity and inclusion of family.  The cottage on the lake, my kids knowing and being around my aunts, uncles, cousins, brother, nephew have been a loss for thirteen years.  They have adopted a kind of separation  a lack of kinship with these people I had spent so much time with my entire life.

Two of my sons did not go to their great grandfather's funeral because of it.  I think the only reason they went to my oldest son's wedding was because they were in it, and they love their brother.  It is very upsetting to me to even think about how my children view family that is not me, their brothers and their Dad's.  One of the drawbacks I guess of having a family so eager to cut you out of their lives, although, I was the one that cut my mother out of my life before she did it to me yet again all of those years ago.

I will never know the loss that my cousins are feeling.  Watching your parents get old, sick and finally pass.  It makes me very sad.  You could say I have already been their and done that over the course of the previous 25 years.  My great Aunt and Uncle were wonderful parents who loved their children regardless of anything they did.

Loss is something I am very familiar with - as familiar as waking up every morning and putting on my glasses so I can see.  I try to block it out, forget about it, but it is times like this, when someone outside of the equation passes that makes it all real and up front.  It makes all of the things that were erased from my life become defined.

The silver lining to all of this is that my Great Aunt is no longer suffering.  She is with my Grandfather, and her sister, my Great Grandparents and her beloved husband once again.  Perhaps there is a version of the cottage on the Lake up in heaven where they are sitting looking over the lake, absorbing the sun, happy and smiling and out of pain.  Reunited once again.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I am getting surprised all over the place with my son's new found courage to try new foods!  Tonight I got to make and eat Shepherd's Pie, and guess what - he loved it!  He said he must have been crazy not to try it before! (I did have a backup plan of leftover pasta in case he hated it though!)   I am so very happy to have another food that I like that he will eat!  Fish and now Shepherd's Pie!  A mom could not be any happier than this one is right now!  He even tried a won ton the other day!

Over the years I have had to modify my likes in order to feed my children - especially the three boys I have - they are strictly meat and potatoes kind of kids.  No onions, peppers, lasagna (and one of them is Italian), macaroni and cheese, unless it is out of a box!  If I did not pop them out myself I never would have believed they were my kids!

I am not the kind of Mom that would force my children to ever eat anything they did not like ~ unlike my own mother who had me sit at the table for hours, trying to get me to eat scrambled eggs  when she knew I would rather die than eat them ~ send me to my room and have them for me for breakfast or whatever the next meal was!

Kids are funny creatures at times.  Until recently, he thought homemade macaroni and cheese was no good ~ preferring the boxed garbage instead (as long as I made it for him)!  When my friend Sunday, who doesn't eat meat, came over to share Thanksgiving with us, and I made her homemade mac and cheese - he turned his nose up at it and said - "you guys are gross"!  Then not long ago, when she came home after a visit to her hometown, we made another one and had him taste it - he is a fan!  Who would have thought it!  Not me in my wildest dreams!

I don't think I will get him to eat frogs legs or escargot anytime soon - but I am hopeful that his mind and his taste buds are opening up!  This chick is very happy at the moment, and very full as well!  I am not sure what the next "new" food I will introduce him to, but I will be trying to think of something which I like for him to try next!  Like my stepfather always said, one bite, try it - you may like it!

Monday, March 18, 2013


It seems I forgot something with that amazing burst of motivation on Saturday and that was to take breaks and work in moderation.  My huge output of energy and activity allowed me a great nights sleep, not awaking until 10:30 a.m. on Sunday, but left me with a lot of pain which I forgot is the result of overdoing it.

I spent the day Sunday doing absolutely nothing except cooking some amazing fish and chips twice, because my son really liked it and I only cooked what I felt I could eat in the fish department in case he did not like the fish.  Then my friend Sunday came down for some chips and we finished off the rest of the fish as well.

I spent the afternoon watching a new to me, but old show - the first four episodes of "Veronica Mars" and even watched all of my Sunday evening shows, which is usually a fail for me because they put too many good shows on Sunday evenings, one of the few must watch t.v. nights for me - at least Downton Abbey is over for the time being, that one was the odd man out, but such a good show to watch!

This morning I was up at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. just because and then back to bed at 9 a.m. because I could not make it another minute awake.  I never sleep in the daytime, but today was the exception to the rule I guess.  The nap did not do its magic though and I woke up feeling worse and missed my one obligation for the day.  My son was a trooper and he cooked dinner for me tonight, which was amazing!  What that boy can do with seasonings is amazing!  I am so happily full and lazy as I type this.

I think this cold is hanging on longer than it should and I am ready for it to be gone!  I am still in a good mindset.  Not lacking motivation - just ability.  I am sure I will pick up where I left off maybe tomorrow while the weather is bad - we are expecting a ton of snow here in the Berkshires!  I love the weather here, but I am ready for the temperatures to warm up and work on my tan.

In the meantime, with snow on its way, food in the house and not a care in the world - no new ones anyway - just reminders of old ongoing conditions - which are making me feel my age at the moment, I still feel confident that I will get the last two rooms done by the end of the week and with any luck I will not be needing three days to recuperate!

I hope we are not buried in snow too badly tomorrow as I have a much needed chiropractor appointment with my favorite doctor - Dr. Tosk and his magic water table, which I have not been on in a month, and which I will gladly wade through a few inches of snow to get to!  Although I would prefer one in my room as opposed to having to travel for that amazing contraption!

On that note, I am gone!  Hope you all had a great holiday and keep warm and safe if you are in the danger zones for weather this week!

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Over the past couple of months, since my son got sick and I was home alone, sad and worried and having him home and recuperating making adjustments to our lives and our routines I have notice that my life has been affected in many ways.  Weekly appointments for him, doctors, hospitals, pharmacies -my new routine with regular my doctors, finding a balance - a new normal - has taken more time in some regards and less time than I expected.

I got knocked off course there for a minute or two but today I really had a banner day and feel so satisfied at all that I have accomplished.  You see, I have been stuck in neutral and have been really just going through the daily "new" routine on a kind of auto-pilot.  Doing a lot of things but not getting much done, having time, but no motivation, having thoughts but not having much to say.

I have been isolating myself from even my most casual, yet pleasurable interactions with people on the Internet mostly, but not intentionally, timing and sadly, with feeling a bit like I was drowning in an inch of water, yet unable to lift myself up and last but not least. feeling like I have been censoring myself - like I was making a mistake or doing something wrong and I think it came out with my writing.  I don't know how many days I have opened up a page and left it blank.  Unable to.

I had a burst, like I said today of getting things done, in between some awesome visits with some unexpected people throughout the day and getting five out of seven rooms clean and uncluttered, laundry, and organization.  I even felt so creative I took the remains of some beautiful flowers I got just before Valentines Day and turned them into some creative decorations with the help of some waxed paper and an iron.  I even raised my score in WII tennis, pulling out a total shut out in the best of three (a huge victory for me lately!)  I get to crawl into clean sheets and blankets after I am done writing this.

For me I can never seem to move forward if I am not current.  For example, I hate to cook in my kitchen if it is not clean, so for me I start with cleaning dishes and work area before I begin to cook.  I also can't seem to  start a new task if the rest of the house is not in order.  That is how it began today.  I walked in this morning after a outing and looked at my dining room, which is now a dump station since we never eat in there, and it is the final room I have to situate.

I just began to organize and put things away and where they belonged, if they belonged.  I need to be able to look at the room and decide how I want to have it once and for all now that I have my new curtains.  Room by room I hit them all, every nook and cranny!

Today's burst of spring cleaning and motivation, and I may add change in perception or outlook is just the thing that I need to get the rest of my place in order, finish up the last two rooms, with the minor packing up of some things may just give me the motivation I have been needing.

If you are familiar with moving and packing, and if you are anything like me you have a box or two at the end that you just throw everything left into.  I have about five of those and they are not little boxes.  I have been moving them around and stacking them up since we moved here in May.  I have moved 5 times since 2008.  I have been putting this off forever and a day.  Perhaps I am moving closer to the day being near.

I really do much better with less chaos and more order, even though I work well under pressure and at the last minute.  In my personal life though I need order.  I don't mind if it is random, but things have to be in order.  It helps me to be able to roll with whatever life throws my way and be more open, receptive, positive and motivated, because that is after all the total goal!

On that note, I will say goodbye, goodnight and think warm and happy thoughts!  It is nice to feel like I am back, uncensored and making progress.  Let us hope it continues and I get another major task off of the list!

Friday, March 15, 2013


I have been away utilizing my time with all these amazing reads on twitter for blogging.  It is very confusing for someone with no idea of the language or process besides writing words on paper and having people read them.  I really don't even understand the purpose of twitter and all of this techie stuff!  My phone doesn't even have a camera!

I am of an age where I like computers.  I just was not born knowing the terms, programming, creating or any such stuff like that.  I am a total newbie at this.  The first time I got on a computer was in the early 90's when I worked at the Methodist Church.

Summers at the church were slow, newsletters and Sunday bulletins, and with my files all organized an tidy, they brought in a computer for me to work with.  Turning it on was the easy part.  It did make my job easier to type the articles for the newsletter and make mailing labels and have a pretty easy time doing all of that.  The things I learned then, I think are pretty obsolete though and my next experience was with a personal computer of my very own 10 years later.

I remember my oldest son wanting to go on the Internet, and I had no idea what the Internet was, so I did not let him go on for a few more years after finding out that the Internet was a pretty cool place as far as information went.

These days, I do not know what I would do without the Internet.  My daily ritual of turning on the computer, checking mail, communicating with friends via various social networks, making friends from all over the world all appeal to me, along with the wide range of art, reading and seeing places that I only hope to see one day.

Now that I have been writing a blog for just about six months now, I have some followers and really enjoy seeing what countries are reading and still get confused by some of the mail I have.  I have no idea how to answer the guy who sends me a note asking me how many readers I want, I do not know how to label for search engines, enter code or do any of those things.  It is just amazing to me that anyone reads at all!

I enjoy reading and writing as well.  If you read my blog - it is pretty random.  A friend on G+ who reads my blog has a London page, it deals with stress, and she wants to link my blog to her page, not a bad idea I don't think, as far as getting more readers.  I never really thought about it, but it seems the goal is to target your audience and get your word out there.  It began to stress me out that my blog has been labeled as a "stress" thing.  I never really thought about a theme, but it got a little difficult to write for a few days there!

This is a work in progress, as I am also a work in progress on take two or 102 - depending on how you look at it!  My life has been definitely an adventure for me and my family.  At this stage in my journey and ready for anything, just about anything goes.  As long as I am alive and kicking I will be sharing myself with you all!

Happy reading and fasten your seat belts - sometimes it is a bumpy ride!

Thursday, March 14, 2013


 The other day my friend asked me to help him move some furniture around in his house.  While doing so I spotted this blue cat in his cabinet.     I liked it at once.  It reminded me of the blue horse I acquired a few years ago, when I moved back to the "Pitts".

No one liked my blue horse besides me and one of my son's fathers.  His Dad was a horse trainer and he was going to be a jockey before life got in the way.  I thought the cat would go pretty well with the blue horse.
I was surprised when he brought me the blue cat the next day when he came to give me a ride.  The cat did not survive the travel across the city - he broke his leg, but that is okay by me, a little glue and he will be on the mend!

I occasionally do research to see if I can locate any history on the horse off it's markings off the bottom of the piece.  I have never had any luck.  It's only value is to me.  I have seen other horse statues of this style but never blue.

As I am a fan of colour, especially blue, it fits right into my life very nicely.  I am very happy to have another piece of blue in my life with the addition of the cat.  It is nice to have and I do appreciate my friend thinking of me and sharing his treasure with me.

I am a huge fan of collecting and most of my pieces hold memories and are supposed to be reminders.  Unlike looking through the boxes of photo's I have (which are nice to look at on occasion, but too much looking brings back memories which are too painful.)  Not so with my trinkets.  They just make me feel good.

My living room is full of art and trinkets which make me smile and feel good all of the time.  Some of them I have had for more than 25 years.  It makes me wonder how any of it survived the million moves I have gone through since I began moving around when I was 19 or 20 years old.

When we moved to West Stockbridge in 1993, we moved into an apartment which my boyfriend and his daughter lived in.  It was already set up and there was no need or room for my treasures.  They remained packed and in the attic until I moved out in 1998 or so.  I never knew how much they were a part of me until I opened those boxes and had my "stuff" around me again.

It is funny, as I never thought I was a material girl how many material items I do have, and how many are so important to me.  I could never live anywhere that has earthquakes - it would be too dangerous for me, my life would crumble and break - everything is breakable except for the books!

It feels really good to be surrounded with the objects of my life which bring me such pleasure and to watch people enter my living room and take it all in - like it is a mini gallery.  My middle son, each time he enters threatens to take something or other - I just laugh and tell him he has to wait until I die and fight with his brothers over everything!  It makes me feel really good inside that he and others get the same feeling I do when they come into my very busy living room!  We welcome the blue cat to our collection and I cannot wait to hear if it is a hit or a miss with the "critics" in my life!

Monday, March 11, 2013


Almost from the instance I woke up this morning and turned on my computer I have been dealing with a great deal of anxiety.  I thought I  recognized what the root of my anxiety was.  My stomach was knotted, my palms sweaty I drank my tea and tried to distract myself with some Solitaire Arena, which doesn't allow much focus on anything else, showered - went to my son's appointment, did an errand, met a friend, petted a dog and it was still there.

I came home, had some lunch, wrote two drafts, still there.  After seeking professional help I am back.  My anxiety has subsided, my head is clear.  I have taken on someone else's anxiety like it was my own.  My issue is boundaries.

In my previous life, the one where I just flew by the seat of my pants, my life was full of drama (not always mine), where I just lived and reacted or did not react depending on the situation at hand.  The life where I cared more about what other peoples opinions were and lived to please everyone else except my self, right or wrong instead of making the right choices for me, the one in which I lost my voice, my soul, my very identity.  Where I lived in the shadows, became lost - devoid of emotions.  I really had no boundaries in place.  That is why so many odd and freakish things happened in my life.

In this life - since I  am choosing to be important to myself at the very least, not selfishly, but necessarily  in order to live my life on my own terms with happiness being at the center of that equation, with fear, guilt and manipulation not even being allowed to live and grow and be done to me or by me - keeping these things very far from me to the extent of losing main relationships for my health and well being as they were destructive to me.

I am not there yet, not by a long shot, but I persevere.  I have come head on and accepted the painful reality of many things including the relationship with my ex husband, and also that with my own father, accepting the cruelest reality of them all that when Dad told me when my brother and I were younger "he chose not to have a relationship with us because it was too painful" and that he had a conversation with my grandmother about it and I chose not to accept it then, never believing that my own father could be so selfish and hurtful.  It was true and I am a "bad daughter" for forcing myself on him, and what did it get me?  I chose to violate his boundary because it did not fit into what I wanted.  I learned the hard way and now I am dealing with it.  Now he got his way - I do not - nor will I ever understand how a parent can make that choice, but I have to accept it because that is reality.

As I have stated before, my "new life" is based on open and honest acceptance of myself.  Allowing myself to be myself, love myself, accept myself, faults and strengths (although I do not recognize my own strengths and assets).   I am bluntly open and honest, and I do still have a negative voice trying to run in my head,  and without letting the negative self talk control me, I have been dedicated over the previous 13 years in doing these things for myself, trying to integrate my self into one whole unit I can actually be pleased to say is my authentic self.

One thing I recognized for me personally is that I  lose myself in personal relationships with men.  I chose to - for my own recovery, learn to live a life that did not involve personal committed relationships with men while I am working on my growth.  Not to say I did not test the waters on that one now and again each time with the same result.  Never a positive result to say the very least.  It was easier to learn how to dance in a club without being drunk and still have a good time, than it is for me to be in a committed relationship with a man, and that is saying a lot!

Over the past two or three years, it has been my goal to be more social.  I like to volunteer, I love to talk to strangers and people I pass by on the street in the small city I live in.  I love making friends and talking with people on the computer on social network sites and I am currently writing this blog, where as before I could not even begin my story in a hardbound notebook which no one would ever see.  That is progress as far as I am concerned.

I try very hard to be clear about what to expect or not to expect from me.  I am generous, fun, intelligent,  funny, dark, moody, spontaneous, and complicated.  I am also very honest.  I am a homebody, I love my family, love spending most of my time at home, but I also love music and dancing and people.  I try to look people in the eye when I am talking to them - be more aware of those around me and what they are going through, smile and be present, in the now and not invisible.  

My anxiety today, as I stated earlier was brought on by an anxiety issue due to someone pushing against my clearly stated boundary line.  I owned it for a day, unknowingly accepting responsibility for something that I could not have been any more clear about than I was since the first conversation that we had.  My anxiety that I can own, is in the fear that I will lose a dear and much needed and important friend because they cannot respect my boundary which is as necessary to me as water is to a fish!

Saturday, March 9, 2013


I woke up this morning quite unexpectedly before the sun came up...way  before the sun came up.  There was no loud noise, no nightmare, just me awake, with a feeling that I still have not shaken.  I am not certain what this feeling is that has got a grip on me today.  It is a new one full of doubt and uncertainty.

Maybe it is the cold I have been trying to ignore for the past couple of days, maybe it is the ever increasing fear at not knowing enough, doing enough or trying enough, or more realistically, not knowing what is the right thing to do or try or learn.

The sun is shining and the birds would be singing if it was not so cold outside in the early morning light.  I wait and wonder what to try next.  Perplexed.  Thankful that it is going to be a warm day in the 40's yeah!  I plan my day, what I can do, what I should do and what I will do are three very different things.

I sit here typing in my utter confusion, knowing only that I do not want to stand still and do nothing.  That is how I got so far into this quagmire of uncertainty.  Wondering what I am doing and why I am doing it.  Questioning my self, my values, my morals, my judgments.

Wondering to myself, how many people out there going through major life changes are feeling like I feel.  In this day and age, wondering which direction to go, what to do, what to learn or re learn.  How to not feel the redundancy of each day.

I am an immediate gratification person.  I like to see results right away.  I like the hands on, begin a project and have something to show hands on.  That is why I like to cook, I think.  It is something that you start and finish, the result is on the stove to the plate.    X amount of time = finished product.  The gratification is in a happy, full tummy.

This blog, same thing.  I write words, I post them.  Immediately and continually I can see by page views how many people are reading, what countries  - (the coolest part), the comments, love the comments, the interactions where I post, the personal interactions and feedback.  Tracking daily, weekly and monthly.  Very interesting to me.  Surprising.

The purpose is still unclear.  I do not sell anything.  I do not promote anything.  I began as a creative project because I was intrigued by a project someone introduced to me which was very cool and interesting.  My blog is nothing like the one I got interested by.

Of course I had heard of blogging vaguely many years ago.  I was like, wow, that sounds pretty stupid back then.  I am not entirely sure now that I am sharing my journey of self exploration what it is all about for others.  I do enjoy it and hope that people do get something from my experiences and perhaps some guidance or insight.

In looking at the ins and outs, the advertising, the language which is all foreign to me.  I have no idea what a SEO is or some of the other terms I come across, which makes me feel old and unintelligent - like I need anymore reminders, it also makes me question the purpose and direction.   I have a lot of learning to do - which in itself is a direction!

Friday, March 8, 2013


I am a single girl in the world by choice.  It is the way that I live my life.  It doesn't mean I don't go out or have fun, because I do.  My world is busy at times and not so busy at other times.  The reason that I am single is because I realize that when I am in an exclusive relationship with a man  I no longer am myself, I adapt to another persons ideals and expectations, and  my identity gets lost.

A man is the reason I lost my voice all of those long years ago, robbing me of my ability to express myself in even the simplest of ways.  I for one never want to lose my voice again.  It is a huge part of who I am and how I am.  It was also a factor in relationships which came after, and not being able to be anything other than a participant with a minor role, if that makes any sense.

In 2000, I began making changes in my life.  I began to realize what was happening and why.  I looked closely and deeply into myself, my relationships with men, women, family and my self.  I did not like what I saw.  I did not like how I felt inside.  I realized the effect that other people's control had on me, because I bent and shifted and became what people expected me to be and not my own person.

Nice people do get the shaft, but it is because they allow manipulating people and people who think they have the control to well, control them.  I worked on my anger issues - anger at myself mostly, for not accepting what I knew to be the truth of the matter and allowing it to happen over and over again.

I am not saying that I believe all men and relationships are that way.  I am certain that they are not.  However, in my case, I am still learning to recognize the (warning) signs and until I become aware and better able to recognize and not fall prey myself then I will be a single girl in the world.  Not every smile or greeting, or conversation is an invitation to hop into bed!

I am very open and honest about this fact.  It seems not to make a difference in theory to some men.  They must think that I will falter or change my mind.  They say they understand and just want to hang out with me and be my friend.  Some of them even talk to me about the struggle they have in this regard and I accept their feelings with compassionate understanding.  While other friends choose to not even be my friend at all because of their feelings.   Ultimately, I have no control over how a person feels and discount no ones feelings - like the phrase there are no stupid questions, I remain honest and true to myself for my survival.

I personally do not know how to respond to this dilemma.  It is not my feelings which are at stake here.  My feelings are clearly laid out.  That makes me seem to myself very cold and insensitive, which I am not.  It is a double edged sword.

I have lived over 90% of my life worrying and living it for others.  I am working towards being a whole and complete woman with much to offer the world even if it is just my small world.  I am and have been mostly satisfied with my life, the good, the bad, and the in between.  Each challenge is an opportunity for victory in place of living in complete failure.  The victory being living my life by my choices and not under the power of someone else.

The ultimate goal is to go to my final resting place happy and content with the choices I have made along the way.  If that is alone, it is alone, if it is as a whole woman healed and happy in a relationship with another whole and happy man that would be a bonus for sure, but if it is not in the cards I can live with it knowing that if not in this life - perhaps the next!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Simba by Jennifer Gallant
Afternoon sun by Jennifer Gallant

The other afternoon I took a walk in the afternoon sunshine with my youngest son.  It was a warm day and as we approached the field where I used to walk Simba, near the Solar panels the sun came out over the tree tops.  I miss my dog more than my house and that is saying a great deal.  RIP and bless his wonderful soul!
Under the bridge by Jennifer Gallant

We walked past the solar panels and under the bridge.  It was a little windy, but not too bad of a walk.  There was a squirrel on the pole crossing the road but I missed him by the time I got the camera on.

We walked under the bridge and down the road and took a turn and around the corner we saw a discarded Christmas tree.  We continued to walk.

Discarded by Jennifer Gallant

One way out of town - by Jennifer Gallant

One way New York City, one way Chicago.  My dog was never scared of the trains and we used to watch them go by and look at all of the great art work on them.  I miss those days.  Sometimes we would joke about hopping the train and taking off.  I was told by an Artist I met over the holidays there is an actual Hobo Convention in the Mid West somewhere.  It would be a hoot to hop a train and venture there!  One can dream - imagine riding trains!  I have never done so, especially like a hobo!
Another direction by Jennifer Gallant
Graffiti photo by Tom Gallant
 We arrived at the train tracks and my son took a couple of pictures of some really cool graffiti next to the train tracks...I of course looked beyond what was in front of me to beyond where my eye could see.  There were no trains that day - sadly.  But we did enjoy a nice cup of cocoa when we arrived home after our afternoon walk and photography adventure.

Santa Mug from Laura Boggs photo Tom Gallant

Tuesday, March 5, 2013



         ACT WITH LOVE

                    CHECK YOUR MOTIVES

                                WATCH YOUR ATTITUDE


I ran into this post yesterday for a Karma cleanse endorsement.  I find that forgiveness - not of others but of self is most necessary in my case, and I am sure many of you may feel the same way.  If you are like me, it is easier to forgive others much easier than it is to forgive and love yourself.

I have been taking my personal journey very seriously over the past thirteen years.  Thirteen - that seems like a very long time, when in fact it has passed very quickly and it amazes me that it has been that long, and continues to be my most major goal!

I, for one have always been grateful and thankful of the gifts that have been set before me, on some days, just a flower or a bird, or the sun shining down at a moment when I desperately needed something to remind me  that the world and its wonders are so much greater than whatever demon I am fighting with, and it is just enough to help me shift my attitude and act with love and not focus on the negative forces that sometimes try to take control of my life.

Forgiveness though, is an entirely different matter.  I think I am still in the discovery stages.  Learning to accept that I have value, that I do have good in me and do good and it is not a bad thing at all.  I am still amazed that I do not see what others see and have to be told and reminded and it still blows me away!

For me, I think after the discovery, the acceptance of self and truth will help set me onto the path of forgiving myself.  I cannot even begin to visualize what that will look like yet!  Looking back over the past two years alone and the progress I have made towards the better, living in the light, becoming visible instead of hiding in the shadows has been very enlightening.

I stumble, pick myself back up, ponder what happened, process and  evaluate and move forward.  Always forward sometimes it takes a little longer than other times to process and move forward, but in the end I have always succeeded.  As someone said, failure is not in falling, it is getting back up which makes you the winner and trying yet again, perhaps a different way, a different path instead of doing the same things the same way with the same results in the end.  The fun is in the journey!

Have a fun and adventurous day!  Live your lives and learn to love and forgive yourselves it is so freeing!

Monday, March 4, 2013


I have been so busy during the end of the month I have been wanting to write and have had no time whatsoever!  My weekend began with the unplanned visit by my two good friends, Ken and Laurie, who just married in June.  Laurie is my go to girl on my decorating, and also the woman who crochets and does wonderful crafts, beginning to end.  (My projects take years to complete!) They gave me a call on Friday and stopped by to bring me my new curtains for my problem windows in the dining room which have an inch of space on one side above the window and two inches or so on the other side of the window.

You may have heard me mention this dilemma in the past, and how frustrating it has been for me to have any more than the blinds provided by my landlord.  One day, while the three of us, (Ken, Laurie and myself) were visiting we had a discussion regarding said windows.  After leaving, Laurie went home and started designing what we had brainstormed!

The completed panels are beautifully crocheted with a nice pattern and beaded near the bottom for weight  so very pretty, delicate and functional!  We immediately pinned them up just to see how they would hang, and they are sweet!!!  Sweeter now that I have actually hung them with proper fasteners!  Before I began writing I tried to get a good picture to show you what they look like but it just doesn't do them justice with the light coming through even with the blinds closed, so I will have to try again later when it is less bright!

Friday evening was the first Friday in March, so after a visit with my "adopted daughter" Sunday, my youngest son ventured out for the First Friday Artwalk, which was his first one and we enjoyed many great new artists, along with a few old time favorites!

Saturday was not too bad either.  After a morning of running around doing errands, cooking and trying to re-arrange my living room again (still not right) -I got invited to dinner after my actual plans fell through with an acquaintance, and had a nice time having a delicious meal and movie with an interesting person, who I now know not only via Facebook, but in real life as well.

Sunday was a total pajama day, never leaving my house, I had pancake brunch after sleeping in for a change with my youngest son and my adopted daughter, watched some television, laughing at some drama on MTV and being blessed later in the night with a visit from my middle son.

He tried to show us a blues riff on the guitar my youngest son got for his birthday from his older brother.  My youngest son and I have no musical talent at all and it is not the first time that a guitar player has tried to show us some things on said guitar - their language is Greek to us however and even with diagrams I am not sure if it really is going to sink in!  My friend Mike summed it up today by saying that not all of us can be musicians - someone has to be in the audience and that is where I will gladly reside!

As this day is almost over, I am finally getting to finish my blog.  I am getting closer and closer to completing more projects and remain confident that I will succeed!  There are never enough hours in the day as it is, but I am pleased with what I have done and the goals that still remain!

I hope that you are all safe and well, counting your blessings, being kind to yourselves and sharing the love forward!  Thank you all for your wonderful and generous support in reading and commenting!  I do thrive on it!    Keep well and don't forget to smile!