THANKSGIVING BLUES

The confusion is an illusion which protects me from actually seeing
I would rather believe there is something wrong with me than to accept the truth
Over the years, it appears that it is what I choose to do in order to be around you
Until the time that you leave, singing a song, smoking a bong and doing whatever you choose to do
You don't seem to have a clue, even when it is told to you

How can you expect love unconditionally when you don't deserve any at all
This treatment makes me small and weak and whenever I speak I seem to repeat
The same old thing over and over again to you - still without a clue - it really makes me blue
What is a girl to do?

When I choose to close myself off to you once more, you knock upon my door, but not because
of me and not because you see, but because you think it is what you should do when your friends are done with you.  Your reasons are your own, most I don't condone, which seems funny to me, parent you are supposed to be.  I am not a toy and I do not enjoy being put upon a shelf while you think only of yourself

When I was a little girl I used to make excuses when people called you useless
Off on your tangent, living on another planet.  Coming into town acting like a clown, really proud of what you have done - what have you done?  Abandoned a daughter and a son - so many years ago, where do you think the pain and anger go?

Happy as we are to see you - because a part of us still needs you and really want to believe that you are not about to hurt and deceive.  One of us learns and the other wont,  One  hopes and one won't.  I wish I could learn to  dare not to love you so, let you go like you have to me so many times just so you could see how it feels when your heart bleeds true pain.

It is not that I blame you.  You are great, you are cool you are famous in your mind, which has been lost for a long time .  No one has the courage to tell you so.  Indeed you do know and are proud to wear the Crown of Krazy.

Loving unconditionally, isn't that what you taught me, so many years ago, when your heart held a place for me?  I listen to your words and I hear empty hollow sounds.  I no longer care about how you feel.  It breaks my heart to say that, lying to myself, as you once more put me on that shelf

Now I listen to my child, grown himself, who could never understand how I feel, not having lived the deal.  He was lucky to have two parents who have always been glad to love him so, even though our love did grow apart.  Protected and never having to know how it feels to be rejected and misled, fucked with in the head.

All he sees is his Mom wanting to be mean, kids see what they want to see, part of him is right, a small part of me would delight in you feeling even one millionth of the pain which repeats itself over and over again each and every time you decide that I am someone you need to be around.

No matter what I do I am screwed.  Love me, hate me, whatever the case I am they only one who knows how it feels, and how real this hurt inside, which just won't die, no matter how many times I try to stuff it deep inside.  I have over and over again tried to pretend it doesn't matter when each time my heart shatters into a million tiny shards.  Life can be so hard.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY

As I make adjustments to my life and get things into perspective I have noticed a couple of pretty amazing things.  They are not extraordinarily amazing, just average amazing and different from my usual experiences.  

One thing I have noticed, as I transition is the people who remain friendly to me and the people who don't.  I don't really have time for those who are not friendly towards me any more, or those fake friendly people who want to create drama and stir up emotions that I frankly do not have time for, even if I have nothing to do!!! 

I do have time for those fabulous friends who have been hoovering in my world.  Those friends who come for the sole purpose of sitting and chatting, teaching and learning, listening and remembering - the basic give and take kind of relationship/friendships.  

It feels wonderful to have these kinds of people in my world for sure!  They are the ones who call on me and whom I can call and chat about random things and hang up with a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart.

For the past couple of months (and the past many years) I have been too much around people, once again, who suck the life out of me.  Those people who don't even have the decency to acknowledge when they are done with you, or acknowledge when you are done with them, but who can come up to you if they see you and greet you like a long lost friend - a lesson learned - again.

It makes me question my Authenticity - when I don't call them on their behavior or attitude, but, I don't have time or energy for all of that, and I care even less!!!!  To think I worried myself sick over the past six weeks for naught!!!  

One of my fabulous friends, after a day of Art Shows in the area set me a bit straight, as I was having a bit of a moment over caring how insignificant people might feel about my change in position.  It isn't even from present day that I am so bothered by this flaw in my self, but something I brought with me from childhood - like that negative self talk,   I think that I might have a better grasp on it now.

Being a person who hasn't for a majority of my life, been comfortable around people - all of the social things that I do is a step closer to my goal.   learning from my experiences interacting with many  different types of people and how they work or don't work for me.  It has been frustrating at times to encounter people.  The ones I find most difficult are the ones that you can't take at face value.  They are also the hardest ones to spot until it is too late!

People are complicated and so are relationships, minor or intimate.  I am thankful for those fabulous true blue friends who are coming back out of the woodwork and into my world and for the ones I have encountered along the way!  They remind me that I am good with the right people and that makes life so much better!

Family calls and I am off to take care of things on this end!

TOWING THE LINE

The rain just started coming down in buckets as I sit and type this.  This is just what I was worried about getting caught in as I did my errands this afternoon.  Instead I walked the second half of my journey in a mist as I made my way home.

Fish in hand finally I hurried the last block to my house and put them in the aquarium.  They looked lost in all that space, my four new friends.  Soon they will have company since one of them is pregnant!  They left a huge tank with what looked like 100 fish of various sizes and colors.

They are guppies and one of them has a cute fan tail and some interesting markings.  I hope we hatch a few of those!!!  My friends husband just hopes they don't all die on me and knock on wood, so do I!!  It has been many years since I had an aquarium and I am pleased with it's location in the dining room.  I keep finding myself out there looking at them, they are very relaxing.

When I last wrote I was looking forward to a good nights sleep after our family dinner.  I went upstairs with that in mind and made a good attempt, but the hours ticked by and soon it was 3 a.m. and I was finally able to sleep, at least for a little while before the alarm went off.  It being Wednesday I needed to put out the trash.

Of course the alarm rang way too early.  I put out the trash and didn't even bother trying to stay up.  I was either physically down or sick to my stomach every other day this week, so much so that I lost track.

Fortunately I was able to sleep for a couple of more hours with half an ear on the television which was playing Myrna Loy and William Powell all morning.  I will stay in bed for them - they (like most of the actors and actresses of that era are my all time favorites, but these two in particular!)

I don't think I ventured out of the house that day at all, having all of the necessities of life on hand, and if I didn't have it, I sure didn't need it!  I kept busy that is for sure.  I don't know why, but on those days that I feel the worst I accomplish the most.

I think by Wednesday I was thoroughly bored with each and every computer game I play and just not well enough to focus on writing at all.  Besides, I still have an inspection to live through and part of my mission today was to find out more information on that, most importantly, a date or at least a clue.  I have learned it will be somewhere in the next 5 days, which means the early part of next week, since no one will be ready in a day.

Wednesday evening I decided to trick that foolish sleep and stayed up until after 3 a.m. just so I would get a bit of rest.  During American Horror Story, which is full of commercials, I moved my room around some more.  I had moved a dresser the night before and was good with it.

By 3:30 a.m. the only thing I knew was that the bed and dresser could not stay where they were, but they could for the night, and I fell into bed and slept for three lousy hours, a little bit better than the night before, but today I woke up with the pain over the tummy.  Yeah for me!

My room looked like a bomb went off in it.  I went downstairs and made a tea.  All morning between computer and tea I jiggled this and jiggled that, still not happy.  The day was getting late and the clouds were building up and I had miles to go, literally in two different directions (three really) once again.

I over dressed on the first errand, went home to grab what I needed for the second leg of the journey with three places to stop and one recreational one if I had time and the weather held out, and after running into Cynthia's hubby and fourth on the way home.

I had foolishly changed coats when I got home, since I felt over dressed for the temperature, which turned out to be a mistake, especially after it began to mist and cool down.  It didn't help that each store I went into was hot and the more time I spent inside the worse the outdoors was!  No wonder I am sick every other day!  I wish winter would arrive or the rain would stop, I am ready to hibernate and the weather just isn't cooperating with me in the least!

Since I now had a deadline on inspection it really became imperative to finish my room.  At every move I found more work.  How could I have really thought I had sorted out all the papers?  I found another 6 inch stack of art cards and notes to be gone through tomorrow, because tomorrow is another day probably of rain and crap weather once again!

Actually, I am hoping not in the afternoon, since I have an environmental project to be a part of at the lake learning how to identify and remove Invasive Hardy Kiwi.  So I need both the weather and my body to cooperate on Friday for sure!  I hate not to be able to do things that I commit myself to.

I did get my room mostly finished, except for the mopping and placing of stuff.  I need to sleep in there and make sure it works before I go to all that bother.  I am certain I may swap two pieces of furniture, but I will see how I feel about it in the morning.

I am processing an idea in the dining room - one corner I do not like at all, which may result in moving three more smallish furniture items around, but I am sleeping on that one also.  Then there is Tom's room where I have been stashing all of the things that I have sorted.

Figuring out where to stash that will also result in more work, I am sure and you know what comes from organization don't you - big huge messes.  They are worth it though.  I had so  much garbage this week and last week it is amazing the crap we keep that is unnecessary.

I went through my canned goods the other day when I was cleaning my spice rack and the stove area which are between 12: and 10:00 going counter clockwise ( I haven't revisited the rest of that room yet!!!)  I had so many outdated, so many we don't eat and very few that we do eat.

I threw out the outdated ones, bagged up the ones we don't eat for food donations and thoroughly cleaned where the cans usually go.  I should be sleeping like a baby these nights with all that I have been doing, it will all catch up to me I hope very soon.

I think the other day I mentioned that when my room was done then we would be settled but in reality it is when all the Art is on the walls in the right places that I will be finished.  That will be a sure sign.  I wish I could say I was getting close.  I have been making strides in small ways with that and have a couple of nice groupings going on here and there.

I am getting tired just thinking about all that I have to do tomorrow.  I am thinking it is time to call it a night and try, try, try again.  Gotta go check the cloths in the dryer and clear my bed so I can crawl in it!

The rain has stopped, it is quiet once more.  good night!

THROUGH THE FLAMES

The heat of the fire was perfect on the cool November evening.  I sat with my back on a rock and stared into its flames, feeling the warmth on my face, hearing the embers crackle and pop.  An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and the sound of the river nearby seemed to put me into a trance. The colors of the fire, red, green, blue...danced before my eyes.  The glow made the night behind all the darker.

I felt very relaxed as I gazed into the flames.  My mind emptied and I felt warm, relaxed and comfortable.  I took a sip of my cocoa, now cool enough to sip, tasting the creamy, smooth chocolate treat, as though for the first time.  The clouds shifted and suddenly the moon beamed down full, bright and clear as if to remind me I was not alone on this fine eve.

I listened to the fire crack and the water tinkle and stared at nothing but the flames.  Before my eyes I saw a dragon take shape in the flame and there was a blast of hot air.  Out of the glow a wizard appeared to be waving a wand, and I thought I heard an old incantation as what appeared to be fireworks flew like streamers from the flames into the darkness.

I stared closer into the flames, curious to see what would happen next.  I heard the gallop of horses hooves and men shouting, steel on steel added to the chorus.  A hot blast of air shot 15 feet into air before my eyes.  I rubbed them and pinched myself to make sure I was awake.  More shouts filled the air, sparks and embers popping then silence.

Once more the river could be heard clearly, its faint tinkling the only sound I could hear.  The wind blew and the bare branches rattled against one another.  A wolf howled in the distance.  I sat and took another sip of my cocoa. and moved closer to the fire and rubbed my hand atop and felt the heat of the flames.  I added another log and sat back down in my spot and lit a cigarette.

Voices seemed to come through the flames.  I relaxed and kept my gaze focused, as if staring at a stage.  I saw a fine black stallion with what appeared to be a Knight in Armour holding a long sword.  It charged through the flames and I heard a sound - almost like a thud and a pop, and then a scream  of pain unlike anything I have ever heard for what seemed like eternity.

The air around me was still and I was still alone.  Suddenly I heard the cheer of 100 men.  Men who had fought a long and hard battle, at the edge of defeat, tasting the sweet taste of victory.  I heard strange happy music and more cheers.  I saw a celebration through the flames, a bonfire and a large green dragon lying at rest.

MISCHIEF NIGHT

It was midnight, the streets were empty and quiet as I walked through town on my way home.  Not a person or a car to be seen or heard.  The air was still and the clouds covered the night sky.  A chill ran down my back - not from the cold, but from the silence.  I hastened my pace, the only sound now was the quicker click clack of my shoes on the sidewalk as I hurried along ,my way.

It had been a long evening and I was eager to be home.  Two hours at the Theater greeting people in the Lounge during Intermission and I was ready. The hair stood up on my arms and I shivered.  A crime drama - maybe that was why I was on edge as I made my way towards the Park two blocks from my home.

Strange, I thought again, how quiet the streets are for a Friday evening.  There wasn't a person in the Park. The place was supposed to be patrolled, and allegedly had cameras everywhere.  I had my doubts and didn't want to test that theory. Almost through.  The scream barely escaped my throat as the cold blade reached it's mark.

FOOD + FAMILY = FUN!!!!!!!

I was grateful for the distraction today, of a family dinner this evening.  I woke up feeling worse than I normally do with horrible pain from my neck to my knee.  It was torturous!  It did not matter if I was sitting or standing, walking or lying down nothing, not even the stretches and the hot water in the shower would release the pain coursing through my body.

To make matters worse I was running low on essential supplies and had no choice but to walk upstreet and pray that it did some good.  Of course it was a crappy, grey day here, the only thing it had going for it was that it wasn't as cold as it looked outside.

I made my way adequately dressed for the day and prayed that the rain would hold off until I made it home.  I planned out my route and my needs and decided to go north on North and make my way South and then go back home in a circle.

I thought it was a good sign when a car slowed to let me cross the street on Maplewood before it turned into 510 North Parking lot, I thanked the man and proceeded through the parking lot on my way to the Family Dollar.

As I was approaching A- Mart, the same guy pulls in and begins to park - until he realizes that I was not going in A-Mart and next thing you know he is in parked in front of me asking me if I wanted a ride - mind you, I was almost at my destination, but really???

I had been noticing, as I do, his behavior and thinking to myself, stalker, serial killer, danger after the A-Mart incident, what on Earth made this guy even think, if I wasn't near my destination that I would get into his car after he had been creeping me out?  I don't even get into cars with people I know most of the time!

That did not help my disposition as far as my pain levels went, no, I do not find it appealing when you drive by, slow down, turn around and creep on me - any guy that thinks a girl would find that endearing is messed up to be sure!

I had bigger fish to fry and I headed to my destination without any more weirdness and backtracked to A-Mart to get what I did need in there, or so I thought.  The creepy guy made me forget an item and I didn't realize it until I was heading home later so I got to do the whole stretch of road all over again!   The joys of having limited shopping choices and a head full of air!

My next stop was a pleasure stop to the Cafe.  I knew my friend would be there and I wanted to share a Dostoevsky book since we had an in depth conversation about Tolstoy and Dostoevsky recently on more than one occasion.  He is the one who pointed me in the direction of the Tolstoy book I am currently reading.

My Ham was cooking and I had no worries there.  I had cleared off half of the dining room table before I left, only cheating slightly by stacking the piles in a box in an orderly fashion and stacking the sorted boxes on top of that to keep the group together.  I also HAD to put a few things back on the landing since I really have no idea where to put these odds and ends, and had no patience for doing so considering how I felt.

I had a cup of tea, delivered the book which was well received, had some stimulating conversation and then had to go.  As I was walking by one of the stores the owner came out.  Her husband was just calling me on the phone.  I had left my angel pendant there last week.  The crystal body had broken and they were able to repair it for me!  I was so happy, I had forgotten all about adding it to my list. Just one of the excellent ways our local business go out of the way for their customers!

It was when I left there that I realized what else I had forgotten way down the other end of the street. To be honest, I could have stopped at a store half of the distance for the same product and saved 7 whole cents, but I am boycotting the store that is half the distance.  I do not like some of the practices that the store owner has been doing, so I choose to not do business with him.  It is too bad, because he didn't used to be a shady business owner, such is life!

Finally had everything I needed and was more than ready to be home with four blocks between me and home and the Park.  I made it through the Park with a couple of raindrops falling.  I had to change my route midway since there was danger in the form of verbal abuse waiting for me, so I cursed and walked to the further cross road.  That ended my stop to pick up the fish for my aquarium, but I really didn't have time anyway.

I was so happy to be home when I finally arrived, safe and sound.  The smell of ham that attacked my nostrils when I opened the door was intense.  My stomach growled.  I opened the oven and took a peek inside.  I had seared the fat and it had swelled and crisped perfectly - just the way Tom's Dad likes it.

I reached in my pocket and headed upstairs, pendant in hand, in search of a chain to put it on.  I need a ring and found a claw hook and a chain that one my friends recently gave me and headed down stairs in search of the needle nose pliers and better light and a larger work area just in case I dropped anything.

For a change, the operation went smoothly and soon my pendant was dangling from the chain.  The trick was getting the thing on since my small motor skills are really poor, especially so when I am having a high pain day.

After a few tries I was successful.  I wish I could say a miracle happened and my pain went away once the necklace was back where it belonged, but no such luck.  I quickly got to work finishing preparing the table for company and worked on peeling potatoes and getting the other veggies on.

I had decided to go with two veg with the potatoes since I only had 7 smallish ones left and my guys do love their mashed potatoes.  Tom's Dad arrived early, as is normal and Tom was up and at the door to let him in.

It had really begun to rain by that time and he rode his bike down, cranberry sauce in hand, just like he said he would.  I made him a cup of tea as I finished cutting the potatoes and joined him and Tom in the living room with my tea.

Pat and Bruce were on an errand for me which was just too far for me to walk, and they too showed up less late than normal.  We normally do not eat until 7 ish, but for some reason we had a normal 5:00 p.m. dinner scheduled.

We had a nice feast and everyone helped clear the table and we settled in the living room for some conversation.  Tom's Dad lasted longer than usual before getting some ham for sandwiches and the rest of that sizzled fat and headed home, hopefully in less rain than is falling now!

Tom decided to invite himself to his brothers house and began packing up his computer while I wrapped up the food and put it away. (One serving of mashed left, made me chuckle!)  I rinsed the plates and soaked the pans and decided I had enough of that for one day.

They all left and the house got so quiet all I can hear is the rain falling outside and when it stops the sound of the water tinkling in the aquarium.  I grabbed my handy dandy microwavable heating pad, got into some jammies and decided to get back into the writing swing of things - two days in a row, will wonders never cease!

Just kidding.  Now my tea is gone, my day is documented and I am ready to take this solo party upstairs with a freshly heated heating pad and see if I can't obtain at least one good night sleep in a row!  Fat chance I know, was I really complaining last month about too much sleep?  What I wouldn't give for a few hours of that!

Microwave is beeping - time to go!

OCTOBER - OVER!!!!

Once again I find myself far behind my writing goal, which if memory serves me was once a day, each and every day.  Now I find myself writing in a cool little book with a pen in the Cafe as I drink my tea and people watch.

Next I may actually share some of the little poems I write, but you never can tell.  Somehow it doesn't seem right, or maybe that is just my laziness talking.  (As Goomba curses me for not putting up the latest episode of Unexpected which has been sitting in a notebook since May - the beginning days of not feeling right about putting up what I hand write).  I am one strange person at times.

Ah, well.  Such is life!  The second half of October dragged on as I learned how to wait patiently for other people to make decisions, which turns out were in my favour, and I wait still for the paperwork to be processed so I can really feel like something has changed.

I waited all month for my grand daughter to have time to come and visit me when each of us didn't have other plans that is.  Finally my wish was granted and we got to spend almost 24 wonderful hours together - it was 21 but who is counting :)  !!!

We had so much fun!  Summer went by too quickly with me curating and taking care of my Dad. Although Ains and I spent a couple of random days hanging out at the Cottage, it is not the same as a girl sleepover which is what I needed.

My little monkey girl puts me back to rights!  She has such a wonderful presence.  Even though I know that we are going to be non-stop active unless we are asleep, it was just what I needed to ground myself once again!

Her Mom dropped her off and brought in the new mini man - sweet little Declan!  He is now four months old and without my Son around I was much more comfortable with him.  My daughter in law is the best!  I love her so much!  If I had a daughter I would want her to be just like Lisa.

She caught me up on the news of the family and the babies sleeping habits.  He is not a good boy in the sleeping department as his Daddy was, but he loves his Daddy!  All you have to do is say the word Daddy and he smiles the biggest smile!

They left and our fun began immediately.  We ordered pizza and began our evening.  My new set up got her nod of approval of the new living room set up and her toy areas.  I brought out the canvas's so she could get a visual in order to get an idea ahead of time, but we did not get that far.  Maybe next time for sure!

The board games, the baking, and as a treat we went shopping in two stores on North Street and both of them had toys - one consignment and one our only downtown Toy Store these days - where we played with the toys and finally decided it was the day for her first charm bracelet.

She picked out two charms - one a cell phone which she wants in real life, but is too young, and the other a goldfish, which I am sure she wants as well, but with two cats and a new baby in the house that is probably not going to happen!

We had a great afternoon and ended up in the Cafe where she had a delicious Hot Chocolate which Shaun made a flower design on top of, and showed her as he did it.  She drank her Cocoa so carefully and it wasn't until we put a to go lid and made our way home that the flower got distorted.  We had to meet Dad aka, Jeff.  He was coming after work and we needed to pack up and get ready for him.  It was a really great day!

Since Tom had bailed on me the night before I ended up in a quiet house with much to do.  I was still waiting to hear if I was going to have to find a new apartment or not so I got some more of the dreaded sorting done since it would have been stupid to put up pictures just to take them down again. I was not too stressed, just a woman on a mission with an empty house and no distractions.  I made the most of my time for sure.

I didn't begin to get stressed out until Monday night after not having heard back from the Property Managers yet.  I looked up apartments on line and got super discouraged and went to bed praying that I would not have to find another place to live.

After a restless night sleep I woke up and began another day, just like every other day - tea, computer and a new twist (which is an old twist) dishes as the tea is brewing.  Part of my new (old) strategy.  As it turns out, all the hard work I have been doing has paid off - I wake up in the morning and only have to tidy up a bit.

Any one can come into my house any time and I would be fine with that, which in reality is how it should be.  I had gotten so far behind that that was not the case.  Considering the next stage in my waiting game is a Home Inspection I had no other choice!

I wish I could say that I finished my bedroom, then I would really be done.  Mom is always last. While it is functional the Feng Sui isn't flowing.  I did winterize which means all of the plants are in my room and at home on the now clear table I had up there.

I hijacked the base of the Hex Aquarium to set up the aquarium which I have been wanting to do for three years.  I am happy to say that it is cleaned, filled and water is flowing through the filter and the temperature is perfect now for two days.  I just need a nice warm day, like two days ago, to transport some fish from my friend Cindy and her hubby.

My dining room table is once again buried as I  stacked a bunch of stuff there while I figure out where to put all the breakables.  I went on a cleaning binge and cleaned the other day, I probably went in the kitchen to make a tea and got sidetrack knowing me - happens all the time these days!

I had invited the guys over for dinner the other night and forgot the table was buried.  Instead of stacking the piles back where they were, I decided we would eat in the living room, which turned out to be just as comfortable and cozier as well.

Of course, I am having everyone over for a nice ham dinner tomorrow and have no choice but to finish what I started.  I don't think even I could serve a ham dinner in the living room - maybe buffet style but I am not going there!

So, I guess I am writing to get back into the swing of things.  Still trying to get that new routine down which works for me.  Even though I have been doing less out and about in the world (or so it seems) I really have been busy and focused, You know me, never a dull moment!

Hope every little thing is going well in your worlds!