BREAKING MY SILENCE/ACCEPTING WHAT IT IS FOR WHAT IT IS

I have had an interesting ten days.  They have been filled with sudden and unexpected changes.  The events which occurred were brought on by someone else regarding their perceptions which differed from my perceptions ~ still they were drastic and life shattering.

I entered a numb state of being.  My whole self went cold.  My mind would not stop racing and everything was jumbled together.  I felt once again invisible to the world and myself.  At night when I went to bed I could not sleep for all the noise in my head as I scanned my brain for some insight.

I was alone, so the house was quiet.  For three days I could not eat, sleep or concentrate at all.  I showered and dressed going through the motions, often spending time sitting on the floor of the tub with water running over me as I tried to feel something other than numbness.

You just never know what a day will bring.  The result of these changes made me look inside myself, deep inside myself.  Not that I hadn't been doing that already for a couple of weeks after getting slight tremors that something was not right and being accused of certain behaviors which left me puzzled, quiet and having full blown panic attacks in public for little or no reason.

The good little people pleaser that I am, apologized for the (imaginary) transgression with no avail. Then I became a bug under a microscope scanning my life experiences over the past couple of months and fearing speaking as I was not only under my own microscope, but someone else's as well.

After three days of living in a zombie state, my son came home,  so I had to force myself to eat again. I am not sure how long I would have continued the abuse to myself.  The next day I tried to pull myself up by the bootstraps and live normally embrace my life once again, at least come back to the land of the living.

More insight came to me via email and conversations.  I tried to process it.  It was contradictory ~ the written words and the spoken words.  I tried not to focus on that, still seeking understanding, but it made life more confusing and depressing.

Still and all I made a choice to learn how to fit back into my life once again, since I had seemingly been living someone else's life.  It was a nice life, but so is my own.  Sure there are things I miss , I would be a liar if I did not acknowledge the loss I am feeling.

Fortunately, it was April Vacation and my Grand daughter called to come see her Gramma.  I was delighted with the distraction, and my little Monkey Girl really knows how to keep me busy and cheer me up, although I don't think she realized I was unhappy.

We spent time doing those fun things we do.  I decided to teach her how to make some yeast dough.  As we sifted the flour ahead of time we chatted and laughed.  She tastes everything and made me laugh when she was eating flour and telling me it was good (of course it was better with some raw sugar mixed in).  She was an excellent helper as always and soon our dough was covered and ready to rise.

We played Restaurant with her Kitchen that I got her for Christmas.  I am so glad she is using it, despite the one Santa getting her at home being more grown up than the one I got.  I love her imagination and creativity!

Thomas came home after spending the afternoon at his brohers and we made some Fried Dough (like at the Carnival).  Tom and Ainsley had fun pinching, turning and  shaping their dough while the oil heated up and I got all the toppings out for our treat.

The three of us settled down to watch television and Thomas fell asleep before either of us which is funny since he is the one who is usually up all night.  I am not sure if Ains fell asleep before I did or what.  All I know is when Thomas got up at midnight (and woke me up) she was asleep, having fallen asleep with her head on Uncle Thomas's shoulder.

As usual when Ainsley is in the house, Tom and I watched some television downstairs after that and I stayed up way too late.  I noticed Ainsley has learned some patience in the morning as well.  She woke up quiet as a mouse and I handed her the television controller in my sleep so she could put cartoons on.  An hour or so later when I officially opened my eyes for the day, her head was resting on the pillow and she was watching me sleep.  The smile that greeted me was magical and beautiful reminded me what life is all about.

I am no closer to understanding, but I am closer to myself.  I do not know what today will bring, tomorrow either.  I am happy that I got to experience the happiness and connection which I am now at a loss for, but realize that I still am not ready for the level of intimacy which I at first resisted, then fully embraced with every fiber of my being ~ which was too much apparently.  I know the emptiness is overwhelming.

I also know it is my job to make my life what I want it to be and not contingent upon another person. I am sure in time I will find my happy and content place once again.  Until that time I will smile, but I may not shine. It is once more under my control, this much I accept and know.

APRIL AT THE WHITNEY CENTER FOR THE ARTS SELF -TAUGHT -- MADISON, EDDY, GRAUBARD WITH MEXICAN MASKS FROM THE COLLECTION OF UTE STEBICH

WHITNEY CENTER FOR THE ARTS MAY SHOW

SELF-TAUGHT

Works of Reginald Madison, Hudson, NY, David Eddy, West Stockbridge, MA. 

and Paul Graubard, Pittsfield, MA.

Reginald Madison

David Eddy

Paul Graubard (2 left) David Eddy (right)

David Eddy (left)  Reginald Madison Assortment

Reginald Madison (R+ L) Paul Graubard (Center)

Reginald Madison  with  David Eddy (Curtain)

Paul Graubard

David Eddy

David Eddy

David Eddy

David Eddy

Paul Graubard (L) David Eddy (C +R)

Reginald Madison

Paul Graubard

Paul Graubard

Reginald Madison

THE COLT GALLERY

 MEXICAN MASKS FROM THE UTE STEBICH COLLECTION

SIGNS OF SPRING

So we have gotten two nice days in a row ~ a cloudy one and we are working our way through another beautiful day with some pretty warm temperatures.  I have been taking advantage of the nice weather and the new walk around Silver Lake.  The other day there was still ice on the lake but it is gone now!

First caterpillar of spring and he was moving fast!

Silver Lake ~ half thawed!

First attempt at ducks ~ they are fast!

One happy couple trying to get away from me

We got the deck ready for summer with spring cleaning and the chairs brought up from the basement, washed and ready to go.  The seedlings are beginning to sprout and we are keeping an eye out for the best place to make our garden this year.

So much to do as the race continues!  I am off to soak up some of those delicious rays!

Peace

SPRING MOTIVATION

Spring was in the air today, undeniably so.  I got to go outside in just a sweater, ride in the car with the window down and sit outside at the cafe as I drank my pot of tea, read the final two pages of
Tolstoi and smoked my cigarettes before walking around Lenox and checking out the Whit Gallery.

When I returned home my son was awake and hungry during the day, awake during the day is the real miracle, awake and hungry at 2:30 in the afternoon two miracles simultaneously!!  So I called in our once a month treat - Chinese Take Out.

Since spring was in the air I decided to hydrate the pods for the seeds we had purchased during the week and get the seeds started.  I was almost finished when the food arrived.  I didn't realize that I was even hungry until I smelled the delicious aroma coming from the double bagged parcel.

The day was full of unexpected treats, and I consider a highly motivated day full of accomplishments the biggest treat of all.  Earlier in the day I had sorted out that stack, ladies and gentlemen, deny it if you will but you have one too, that stack of coats, slacks, skirts and tops in a heap waiting to be put back in the closet or into the dry cleaning or (laundry pile).

It was a most satisfying feeling to manage that mess to be sure.  Since I was a teenager (except the 8 years I lived in the country) I changed my clothes a few times a day.  Getting dressed in the morning for school, coming home and getting into comfortable clothes to do homework, clean the house, ride the bike or take a walk in the woods or to the park, change again after dinner to go hang out in the Park, Downtown or wherever the night took us.

It seems some things never change, (ha, ha, except me and my clothes!)  I digress.  So that pile is gone and hopefully the need for winter coats and sweaters, although, living in the Northeastern United States one can never get rid of the sweaters, it could snow in April (which it did last Sunday) and the temperatures could plummet overnight (which they do regularly!)

That is another days task, switching over the seasonal clothes and I need more than one nice day in a row to believe it is time for that chore!  But I did manage to wash all those black clothes that need to be washed with "like" colours and two other loads of laundry in between everything else.

My son and I have been watching "How I Met Your Mother" starting at the beginning and we made it to the final season today!  We actually saw the "Mother"!  I am a little sad that we made it to the final season.  It was a good series so far.  I hate when good shows end!

After "HIMYM"  I decided to bring all of my plants downstairs and give them a good run of water and some new soil and prune the ones that needed it.  I have gotten quite a collection of houseplants between the Avocados ( I am up to two), I have three pineapple plants going now and the one I need to put in soil has finally grown some new leaves in the center (always a positive sign!)

My spider plant from two years ago is huge and needs to find a place to hang.  I have been rooting shooters and will have more Spider Plants than I can handle I am sure!  Diane's Aloe Plant is doing amazing.  It is the first Aloe I haven't killed in my life.

Even the Orchid I bought a couple of months ago is doing amazing.  I know it is because my room was no less than 80 % all winter, despite having the radiator off, the fan going almost 24/7, with the heat set at 68 so my neighbor doesn't get cold and complain.  I will be glad when winter is over and I don't have to worry about the heat!

"Game of Thrones" begins tonight in less than 38 minutes and counting.  We have been anxiously waiting for this night for a while.  I did not prep Richard so he is going into it from now and then we are going to backtrack ~ big mistake I know, there is too much of a back story which is important.

Since I finished the Tolstoi I decided to read another Dostoevsky book which I took a peek at for a minute but haven't finished the intro yet, but I did jump ahead and read a page and a half of the story. To me that is cheating, so I have to go read the back story before I get into the main story.

My time is running out, I have two more tasks before GOT and just enough time to get them done and not miss a second of the show.

ART, EASTER AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

I have been exhausted the past couple of days after the hustle and bustle of the end of one Art Show and the beginning of another, Easter planning and shopping, cleaning house of the dirt and clutter that has been accumulated since the last time I really cleaned up the piles,

I am guessing it was a while back since I found last years Easter decorations sitting in a bag at the bottom of the stairs the day before Easter and decided I wasn't even going to bother! (I surprised myself with that one!)

My eldest son and his family (including my grand-daughter) went to the other gramma's house and my other guests were not particular regarding holiday decorations for Easter so it wasn't a big deal, except that I usually do it so it was a medium deal to me and me alone.  I focused on the meal instead.

Getting organized and sticking to it was half the battle this past week.  Fortunately there was an afternoon which was warm and it happened to fall at a time when I needed to do some errands up street.  I haven't been out and about all winter really so I was looking forward to a nice walk.

Since it was a nice day I did run into some folks I haven't seen in a while here and there so it made the walk interesting.   I always love the nice days, it does bring people out.  I can't wait for more of them in a row!

I grabbed some chocolate bunnies and some of my favourite Cadbury Eggs which only come out at Easter.  When I got to Richard's studio I found they had charged me for an extra bag of my favourites.

That necessitated another walk down to the Rite Aide to fix the error.  I could not resist the urge to take the candy over the refund, a decision I may regret, but with each delicious, creamy morsel melting in my mouth - I doubt it!

We hung the show with everything printed except the labels by Thursday.  My shopping was done so we only had the ArtWalk,  our show at the Whit included.  There were only 5 or 6 places with Art due to the two Religious holidays.  Despite that there were quite a few people at the Lichtenstein and we had a good turnout, including David Eddy one of the Artists whose work we had in the show.

I had a great time, as I usually do during ArtWalk and afterward at the After Art Party at the Whitney.  It was great to see some of the other artists, along with new faces from the community and tourists as well stopping in.

When we got back home Friday night I made a decree that Saturday I was going to do nothing but clean the house.    After my usual morning caffeine, nicotine and video gaming I got to work clearing those cobwebs and sweeping up all that dirt from the corners and under the furniture.

At one point I looked at my living room and groaned looking at the bigger mess I had made!  Then I went into the computer room next room over.  They say you should begin with the worst room possible and now I really understand why!

The computer room gets a regular going over, vacuuming and cleaning of the table but I was not prepared for behind the table.  After moving the table, the computers, the wires and anything that needed not to be sucked up into the vacuum I had a year or mores worth of dust, ashes and overall nastiness!  It made the living room and the rest of the house look spotless!

Needless to say, I cleaned all day until dinnertime and then I cooked.  By that time I had the downstairs clean and put back together.  My plan was to get up Sunday and mop the floors, but I decided on Sunday that was ridiculous and opted out of it.

I decided to make a batch of home made crescent rolls instead.  I have limited experience with yeast dough but decided to give it a go.  I mixed up one batch and the dough just did not seem right to me, but I let it go and set it to rise.  A couple of hours later I was still waiting so I made a second batch and was very relieved when it was acting properly even before I set it to rise.

The second dough was perfect and easy to handle.  Since it is the final thing I worry about with my meal, and since I have one son who is always at least 20 minutes later than everyone else I waited til he and his Dad arrived before putting them in the oven and let the second pan rise while the first were baking.

I had a combo of small and large crescent rolls.  Not bad for the first time ever.  No one complained and as a matter of fact my middle son was looking for more of them, of course after the oven was off just before he was ready to go.  I still had the last pan to cook so I did what any good Mom would do ~ I cooked them.

Cooking bread at 9:00 at night, for me is not a good thing.  The temptation!  I was already overfull from dinner and chocolate and still had to eat a couple of them hot out of the oven!  Of course by that time my son was gone ~ but they do steam up nicely in the double boiler the next day!

So all and all everything went/has been going well.  Art Show's, dinner, life, it is all good (knock on wood).  The spring is coming slowly as I predicted.  It looks more like a November sky outside rather than an April one ~ more like snow than rain ~ but who am I to complain?  Soon we will have green grass, flowers blue sky and sunshine aplenty.

"ABSTRACTION" ARTIST DISCUSSION AT THE WHITNEY CENTER FOR THE ARTS -PITTSFIELD, MA

With the ending of March came the closing of the current showing of works by Geoffrey Moss, Julio Grande and Richard Britell.  with an Artist Discussion Saturday afternoon at the Whitney Center for the Arts.

Moderated by Lauren Clark of Great Barrington  and panelists Julio Grande, Richard Britell and guest panelist  Larry Zingale, as Geoffrey Moss was unable to attend at the last minute, the afternoon proved to be insightful and at times humorous as these three wonderful Artists/panelist shared their views and experiences throughout their lives regarding Abstraction and Art in general.

The event was well attended by local artists and art appreciators alike and time passed quickly with the talk ending and was followed by the panelists and attendees remaining for some refreshments and conversations.

As I sipped my wine and chatted with old and new acquaintances, it was nice to hear the positive buzz from everyone involved.  Director Ghazi Kazmi   hopes to make Artist Discussions a regular feature at the Whit.