Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Finally!!!  Life is returning to something like normal!  I am so happy to be feeling more myself again!  I am so thankful to have the great support of some amazing people which is a really good feeling.

I have made concessions.  I was the bigger person with my Dad, I changed views on a couple of things, I slipped into darkness for a few days, let it reside in my heart and soul, then I kicked it to the curb and said "No more!"  Sadness is still in the air, but not so thick and clingy!  Hope and faith are amazing things!

I remember when I lost my mind a few years ago when my neighbors were stealing from me - invading the sanctuary that was my home and I truly lost faith in man and god and was so sucked into the negative that I could barely do more than cry through out the days for months and months, unable to  do much more than that.  Not even getting dressed or combing my hair or leaving my house!  Those were long and strange days.

Feeling so violated and not knowing what to do, it was the only time in my life that I have ever given up!  I got over it, eventually.  It was Karma, and the what goes around comes around philosophy which helped get me out of that cycle, and my amazing counselor Lydia, who had the faith in me which I did not have at the time, and  my children and what they would do without me were the only thing on the planet which kept me on the planet.  I made a commitment a long time ago to be a parent and all that goes with it, the good, the bad, and the ugly!  Sometimes you have to look at the big picture and how your choices would affect others.

It took many years for me to regain my faith in human beings.  I am not sure that I have restored it fully, but I am working on it!  Trust is another matter.  I think I am like my dog, Simba was in that respect.  He tolerated, but did not trust.  He did not seek out people other than his family whom he loved.  It took  a lot for him to trust even me, but I know he loved me!  I still regret the choice of letting him go, and I hope that where ever he may be he forgives me and still loves me as well!  I miss him everyday!  What I would not give to have him lick my hand and ask for pets!  I wouldn't even mind an aggressive bark and a little bite right about now!

You don't kick a dog when he is down and sometimes just being there is enough, other times it is not.  Life is  a journey with its ups and downs and twists and turns!  Choices we make, some on our own - and some we have no choice in making!

My choices include living life as fully and happily as I can!  Always making due with what I have.  Being thankful and grateful what I do have!  No regrets, no would have, should have, could have!  I have always been true to my self, not always loving myself, but also learning to do so everyday!

I look forward to looking forward!  I am strong!  I am positive!  I wear a necklace which was given to me by a new friend, who made it, and I never take it off.  On the front it says "LOVE" on a ceramic disc in a pretty light blue color, on the back, it says "I am love in manifest" and it is signed Elena.

I live for love, not the intimate love between a man and a woman, although that would be ideal with the right man, but love of life, love of making others smile, love of the sky, the earth and everything upon it!  I know it sounds like rubbish, but it truly is so much better to focus on love in the here and now with a full heart and a big smile!

Don't get me wrong, I am still not trusting, I have my eyes wide open.  I am more alert and aware than ever. If anyone knows the meaning of danger and fear it is I.  Most of it stems from trusting the wrong people and re-trusting them after they have betrayed,  failed me, or used me.  I do live in reality and the world is not a safe place, the balance is still not there, but I hope one day it will be there for everyone equally!

I live for spreading love, if only in a greeting or a smile, a kind word or a kind deed.  My heart brimming with love and happiness is a feeling that I do not want to ever be far from me again!  The struggles I have been withstanding over the longest year which has truly been this one (less than a month into it!)  All temporary, and the love from others and Laughter have helped me so much!  I am blessed and I for one will not forget it ever again!

I am grateful to have had this rough patch.  It has shown me who my true friends are.  It has showed me my love and strength. It has taught me a lesson.  What is life if not a series of lessons to learn and grow from?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


At times I check out my cards online to see if I am in line with the universe so to speak, this is what I got today:

Monday, January 28, 2013


While it does appear that laughter is amazing medicine, and my mood is easier to manage, it is not a cure all. Since my cooking fiasco the other night when I totally tortured that chicken, I have totally redeemed myself as it was necessary to  get back on the horse, so to speak.

On Saturday I woke up, after a fairly poor night of sleep - what I like to call pretend sleep.  While I slept, as tired as I was when I went to bed I woke up even more so!  Still laughing about my kitchen mishap the evening before I gladly and warmly welcomed the day with the smile.

I decided to do two things that day.  One I had been putting off for a while and the other the cooking task.  I finally put all of my son's clothes back in his dresser from when we moved in here in May.  He had been living out of a laundry basket and a pile of clothes on the chair.  As I was the one who removed them from their dresser, and I miss my son, I sorted and folded and put them away.  Now when he comes home things will be somewhat back to normal.

Secondly, I decided it would be a good day to cook the leg of lamb which I had defrosted from a few weeks before.  I love lamb, but it is not something my son will eat.  When he is not around I get to indulge my taste buds and tummy.

Not too familiar with cooking lamb from memory - the proper seasonings do not come to mind at all.  I checked a couple of recipes and stuffed the lamb with fresh garlic to keep the vampires away and made a rub with olive oil, rosemary, sea salt (which I have never used before) and some black pepper.  I let the rub absorb into the meat for twenty minutes while I preheated the oven to 450 for it's twenty minutes before being turned down.

So, I decided to utilize my time, as I had a daytime visit to get to - timing was to be everything.  I quickly dressed and before I went to the store I put the lamb in the oven - 20 minutes - clock is ticking and I walk the four blocks to the store.  I got less than a half a block from the store - halfway over the bridge before I realized I had left without any money!  Tick tock, racing the clock - I phoned my friend +Sunday Brunch and we laugh hysterically as I tell her what I did - more of that laughter!

I raced home, arrived with 11 minutes left on the timer before the oven needed to be turned down, grabbed my money and boogied back up the street, through the park and to the store, trying not to do one of my favourite things - talk to people - and raced back home, arriving to the beep of the timer and turned the oven to the proper temperature.

With 40 minutes left on the lamb, I decided to shower and get ready for my visit at the hospital.  Sunday said she was coming down and I didn't want to cut time too close on either side.  The lamb finished cooking and needed to be tented, and with 10 minutes before my ride arrived, the lamb was resting nicely before I went to my visit.

I had plans as well to go to the Colonial Theater to see an amazing Blues Show later in the day and was planning on taking a rest before the event.  As we all know, plans never work out.  My friend +Mike Pezzo phoned me, and mentioned that he hadn't eaten yet, and I had that delicious lamb waiting to be eaten, so instead of rest I steamed some potatoes, made some delicious gravy and some green beans and cut a couple of nice slices off of the lamb and heated them in the gravy.  It was delicious!

We had backstage access, cuz we know the Arthur Holmes Blues Band, so we arrived a little early to hang in the green room and catch up with the Drummergirl - Bridget, who goes with Dave whom I went to school with and who is a good friend of mine.

They rocked the house, opening for Pappa Chubby, whom I was previously unfamiliar with, but who rocked that guitar like nobody's business!  He  did an amazing rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at the end of his performance.  The night was not over yet and James Montgomery Blues Band jumped on after Pappa Chubby and played the harp like none other!  The night was seemingly over when he came back onstage and spanked us with some serious blues!  After the weeks that I have had, the blues did really a great job of chasing the blues away from me and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Not really to many ways to top an evening like that, but we managed to top it off with homemade banana splits with hot fudge and some chopped walnuts.  All in all an awesome day and evening!

Friday, January 25, 2013


It is Friday night.  I have been going through a tremendous amount of change during the recent past, as I know many people who are enduring chaos and confusion in there lives as well I do not feel alone.  I have been falling into a bit of a weary depression which has been harder to divert than usual.  In trying not to resort to old habits and feeding it, I am trying to rearrange my outlook on the situation.

I have been lucky that I have not been having to endure my troubles alone and that I have many people to lean on and support me.  I find that the hardest thing to accept, as it is new to me.  To me it is odd also that people are so caring of me.

Today it has been extremely tricky, but I would like to share the aha moment which hit me within the last 20 minutes.  To get you to the moment will take a minute, but here goes.

I came back from the hospital after visiting my son.  I came home after having a day where I was unproductive and losing backgammon and just blah and unmotivated.  So much so that I just gave up and went back to bed.  (It was 1:00 in the afternoon!)

I phoned my Dad to check on him, having phoned him last night for the first time in a week, when I phoned him at 5:30 in the morning, after not seeing him since Christmas, not even going to get food on my regular Friday routine, because someone was being a dick and I admit to owing  25% of 100% of bad behavior.  Mine was justified.  His, not so much.

Regardless - he has made a royal mess of his life and is not in good shape, so I of course have to stop being a dick and gather information and reassure him that he is not a horrible person, amidst my own troubles, which as always take a back seat,  always the caregiver.

He had listened to me from the night before when we prioritized what he needed to do and that was good.  We got a to do list for Monday - get him back on track a good thing.  Being a parent to my parent is not new.

So my relaxation was not relaxing, my head was pounding after the hour and 20 minute conversation, listening to everything I heard last night and more, always more.  Sadly, and gladly got off the phone, feeling much worse, amazed that there is such a feeling as worse than worse.

As I tried to shake it, hide from it, totally avoid it, I found myself unable to.  So I decided to try again and went to make a tea, by now, it is 4:45 in the afternoon, the day is dragging and I was losing.  Waiting for 7:00 at night makes the day endless.

So I jumped in the shower with a bar of "Morning Sucks" soap - laughing at the irony of that - hoping that it would work even though it was almost 5:00 in the evening.  The inside of the box says -"gently rub this soap on your crabby ass."  So I did.  And amazingly, it worked a little.

Getting closer to 7:00.  Time moving slowly...  6:08  my son calls from the hospital, him, I know is not doing well, I know how I feel, but have to keep it to myself, assure him we will all be there in less than an hour and couldn't wait to see him, him looking forward to seeing the family.  We hang up.  I continue to feel not good. Drink the tea, wait for my ride.

So we visit, it is good.  But then it is over and I have to come home.  I keep the radio on for noise.  I have to cover up the emptiness and it helps a little.  I am not hungry but I need to focus and so I cook.  I cook well usually.  Ha!  Another resounding sign of failure with food that I pity really.  The chicken breast and onion that I pretended to cook deserved better than it got and I am glad that I wasn't hungry and that I was just cooking ritualistically.

Another thing, when I have no one around, besides the quiet, I can go days without needing or wanting to eat.  It is really weird, but caffeine and nicotine are amazing substitutes for actual food.  (My attempt at a joke)!

So, I just finish killing this poor food and I can't just cook it and not try it anyway - regardless, it would be sacrilegious or something,  My phone rings, I answer and my good friend +Mike Pezzo says he is going to leave some chicken wings at my backdoor.  I laugh, at the timing, and the fact he was going to drop and run, so I was like, you are not coming in?  Really?

He came in.  The wings were good.  I made him tea.  He even pretended that my chicken pieces and onion were good, (he dipped them in blue cheese).  He does know me well.  He knew he could not entice me out to join him on his musical adventure, even before he tried again, although I did agree to go and have fun out in the world tomorrow in the real world with people and music and everything.

We both bitched about what we needed to complain about and chatted away as we ate wing and listened to the music from the other room.  He took a sip of tea, and this was the turning point of my thinking on two levels...I made him tea, and as he took a sip, and I saw the look on his face, I realized two things, first how distracted I am and bothered by it, mainly by ruining food, and secondly, by not putting a tea bag in his tea, so he was drinking warm water!!!

We both started to crack up with laughter!!  During those minutes of laughter I realized that I needed to change how I was looking at things and just laugh.  Laughter really does have healing properties.  Having good friends who worry about how you are feeling and knowing when a friend is needed and how to be a friend is truly priceless.  Mike is the definition of priceless - regularly.

Even though it is not normal for me to open up when I am wanting to crawl under a rock and hide under my blankets, it is the new normal which I do believe is making the difference.   Realizing that being alone is not the same that it used to be - that I am not alone and I don't always have to stand alone.  It is not a weakness.  It is a comfort.

So on that note, feeling so much better, and able to write.  I plan on going to sleep and wake up in my "new" old frame of mind!  The universe seems to be in my favour again!  Godsmack is blasting out "I Fking Hate YOU!"  as I finish typing this, my favourite song from my favourite band and now I have used that word three times in two sentences!  I feel the opposite of this song, but I still love it!!!

Goodnight and pleasant dreams to you all!  I do hope that this came through on paper as I intended it to, and that it makes sense!

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Love  outside my door!
+Sunday Brunch
photo by +Jennifer Gallant 

My brain is numb today.  I knew when I could not move to get out of bed this morning that it was going to be a different kind of day.  Slow, groggy and weighted down are all understatements!  I feel like I have done a triathlon or something!

I know it is shock, stress and worry catching up with me.  I am grateful for the people who have stood by me and with me helping me to deal with the multiple crisis' that have been going on around me.  Mom's get worn out too!

Why I am even attempting to write confuses me.  I think because it is a normal activity for me, which I enjoy doing.  Trying to keep my focus.  Therapy.  I have absolutely no plan or idea just words on paper, fingers on keys, click, click, click...the comfort of a normal activity!

Radio cranked, tea in the microwave, sun is shining, but it is cold - outside in the world and inside my body and my soul.  I think I am colder today than the weather!  That is part of the numbness I am sure.  If I was a drinker I would be wanting/needing to get drunk, but that is a crutch and a luxury I cannot afford other than to celebrate and I have absolutely no reason to celebrate.

Reality has made a nice little nest in my cozy little home.  The real world has invaded and I did not invite it in, nor can I escort it out the door with a resounding SLAM - don't let the door hit you in the ass as you exit.  Now I remember why I keep my world small, calm and peaceful.

Last night I was thinking about how important routines are for me.  There is comfort and control in that.  My routine normality has left the building for a while.  I have been doing my best to distract myself and smile and not be to affected by the things which I have no control over.

Being strong has always been easy for me, even when my life is being bombarded with too much chaos from the outside world.  In the past I would isolate and internalize and keep things just to myself and inside, with random outbursts of expression.  As I am trying to keep positive and remain CALM and change the negative responses I am having a battle with myself.

I have no advice or cute story or any love or light to share today.  All I have is words on a page.  I am just trying to maintain and carry on.  Thanks for bearing with me.  I am sure that this to will pass.  There will be a new "Normal" and things will be okay.  These are things which I do know for sure.  I am not alone and WE will all make it through to the other side stronger from this experience!

Thank you my friends, those whom I know and those I only chat with and have met through my new writing experience for your love and support!  Just knowing I am not alone makes a huge difference!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


It has been on my mind for a while know at how disposable everything is these days.  Products which are made to break, or which are outdated the minute they leave the store, furniture which is made of poor quality and workmanship.  People, relationships, families as well.  It boggles my mind as it seems that we as a society have lost our perspective on the value of things and the pride in doing things well and to last and doing things correctly the first time.

I have met people who, when they move they just leave all of their possessions behind and expect to receive handouts to replace them.  Those same people look around at what you have and are envious of this or that, and who say, I wish I had...and think that I will just hand them some object or possession that I have loved and cared for most of my life and which has meaning and memories.

My kids may complain that every time I move, the furniture is heavy and bulky.  It is that way because it was made in a time that quality mattered.  It is old, they say, yes, but my great grandfather made that set of shelves and my Father's grandmother had those dressers in her home.  They are symbolic of family and being a part of something irreplaceable!

Our local radio runs a Public Service Announcement for the Fatherhood Coalition.  In it, this twelve year old girl explains that her Dad has been gone for a long time and she writes to him and he doesn't write back, can you help?  It breaks my heart every time I hear it.  It touches a chord deep inside me.  It makes me want to cry, for her, for me, for every disposed of child on the planet!

In the "Old Days" when a man and  woman married, it was a contract, a commitment until death do us part.  They worked hard, raised a family, bought a house, permanent and secure and stable.  If it was not all that and more, they sought counsel and either worked on making it work, or stayed together until the children were grown up.

Today, people don't even get married and have children.  There is no value to anything sacred anymore.  I for one do not have a disposable life.  I never thought I was materialistic, yet I have many possessions and they are cherished possessions, memories are stored in each and everyone, some I can recall and many I cannot, yet they are markers in my life.

I have one planned child out of three children and my ex spouse and I made a commitment to each other that regardless of our relationship, we would never fail that child as parents.  We have kept that promise regardless of whether or not we could stand the sight of each other or not.  It is called commitment.  Not only is he committed to our child together, he also had picked up the slack for my other son's father's - it is what it is and I am very grateful that he is such a good Dad!  When my oldest son got married recently, he was their in role of Dad.  I am eternally grateful for his arm, walking in as the parents of the Groom. as I am certain that my boys are also grateful for the consistent and continued love and support as well.

As the world shifts and changes, I for one would like to see more value placed on family and pride in a job well done and less greed  on all levels.  I for one think the world would be a better place!

Monday, January 21, 2013


Being a child who lacked the love and stability of a two parent family I have been looking to fill a hole inside of me for almost my entire life.  Having had a small taste of what a happy family is and missing that when my own parents split up, taking care of my little brother and disobeying my mother at every opportunity to spend time with my dad regardless of right or wrong.

When my Mother found love again with a good, hard working and caring man, we moved into a house and had a father figure again.  I was pretty fortunate that my stepfather was a kind and loving man.  My mother let him be in charge, and if I wanted to do anything I had to ask Joe.  Joe was my best friend.  We talked and debated all the time.  He had such a good heart.  He was an old school Italian and I learned how to debate during our very first meeting when I was in third grade,  and talk with my hands and we had a dog a beautiful white and brown husky, from a pup who used to listen to my pains and lick my many tears away.

Because of Joe, I was raised to be an individual, not follow the crowd and we enjoyed going to the flea markets and antique stores.  It was still difficult though, being separated from my own father, who left the state and went to California and who seemed to forget that he had two children at home who loved and missed him.

When he did phone I was always happy to talk to him, yet, very sad at the same time.  My "parents" used to make me feel bad and cry because I loved and missed my Dad.  My brother was little and my mother loved him very much and still does.  So does my father although my brother chooses not to have a relationship with our Dad and would gladly have not talked to him -- but he had me for a sister and I would orchestrate meetings between the two of them, seemingly coincidentally, yet it took much finesse and skill.  Because of that and only because of that, my father spent some time with my brother and actually met his grandson, something that would not have happened otherwise.

When I was a teenager I ran away to Florida with my friend Lori, who came with me, after we skipped school for three days, calling ourselves out of school until on the third day the secretary said "Jennifer, I know it is you and I am calling your mother!"  I freaked out, my mother had already been unsuccessfully trying to control and limit my activities.  Not an easy task when someone had been left alone with their little brother in tow for a few years, going so far as to have me evaluated for being incorrigible, which I was not, just for her!

She involved the school and tests and even sent me to a shrink who told me during the third visit that he felt that I was talking to the wall - which I was, I knew his role and his goal!  Who were they trying to fool!  I do believe that was the final visit for me.   Sure, I had issues, but I wasn't about to talk to someone who was working for the enemy!

I really loved my mother, yet I did not respect her for, although I know she had to work hard to afford an apartment and food for my brother and I on our own.  She had her own issues and used to come home from work and go to her room until dinner and we all ate together every night after we moved in with Joe.  She taught me how to drive and we did have very close periods of time together, but we clashed - too similar?  Not sure there, I may look like her but I am not her and I never will.  She cared more about her chihuahua than me, which was fine on some levels, but very painful on other levels.  Looking at my faults instead of my victories.  I will admit that I took business in school instead of college prep just to piss her off, a huge mistake as I was very intelligent and could have had the world by the tail if I so desired.

I knew I was screwed when I went home, so instead of going home Lori and I left one warm and bright Thursday  November afternoon trying to find our way South with a bagful of pennies and a pack of cigarettes.  We walked from Pittsfield to Stockbridge with no sense of direction and fortunately (or not,) a couple of guys I knew from my friend Laura rolled up on us and gave us a ride to the truck stop in New York State where we got our first ride out of town.

Most of our rides were from truckers and somehow we picked up this woman who lived on the road who accompanied us the rest of the way to Florida, well, to Georgia first after we got dumped off at a truck stop because of these dirty old men.  You cannot walk out of Georgia truck stops, or hitch hike in that state and we were minor runaways.  I drank my first cup of coffee in a truck stop and we found a ride with a Canadian truck driver who listened to very loud Country music all the way to Florida, where we parted ways and where Lori and I cleaned a parking lot for some food, having no money.

We had no idea where we were going or what we were going to do.  Lori's Dad lived in a place called Christmas Tree and we phoned him.  He drove an hour or so to come and get us and we stayed with he and his wife and the crocodile or alligator, I forget which - that lived in the backyard.  The water smelled like sulfur and it was really strange and foreign to me.

After a couple of days we phoned the Runaway Hotline, although Lori's Dad said we could stay if we wanted, we thought our parents should at least know we were alive and well.  Unbeknownst to us, Maggie, who was with us before we left and who knew what we were up to, let everyone at school know our plan.  My mother was not amused at all and immediately arranged for our return via airplane - taking no chances that we would escape.

On the plane ride home, I told my friend that I would never go anywhere with her, which was whack because she went with me.  Our lives both changed drastically when we returned.  Lori found out news that rocked her world and my stepfather did not talk to me for more than a year.  Let me tell you dinners at our house were very quiet after that.   It was very difficult for me not to have Joe to talk to.  He wouldn't listen, didn't yell and never did try to understand.  My mother stopped trying to prove me incorrigible though.

While we were gone, my mother went through my room and everything I had written, and my real father went over to my friends house on Faulkner Place trying to find answers, almost punching Dion in the nose thinking he knew where I was.  This was the third time I had run away by that point.  Once to his house, the second time I hung out all night with Bixby keeping me company when he didn't even know me so I would be safe, hanging out in the doorway of the Baptist Church on Tyler Street all night, until Jadene let me stay at her house overnight the next night.

At that time, I spoke to my Grandmother Gallant and she asked me if I wanted to stay with she and my Pop.  Feeling ashamed and too far gone (I smoked cigarettes and pot)  by that point I declined.  I know now that was a big mistake, one of the biggest of my life, but I didn't think they would love me if they knew how screwed up I was.  And I truly regret avoiding my family thinking so poorly of myself and still struggling internally with that internal negative voice in my head.

I ended up in the hospital when I returned with PID, a disease which, according to my family doctor's intern left me unable to have children.  After I recovered and returned home things eventually returned to normal (if one could ever call my life normal).  I worked my job as waitress at Friendly's, went to school, cleaned the house and did my homework and cooked dinner and Joe began to talk to me again.  All was well with the world, until it wasn't - which is the story of my life.

It turns out that I was able to have children though, something which I found out by accident a few years later, which is another story altogether.  The point though, is that the void of love was filled by my children over the years and my primary goal in life was to raise and care for my children differently than my parents did, which I did.  A job which I have seriously undertaken regardless of my age or experience.

What experience does a child who had two absent parents have?  With the help of my stepfather I graduated high school, making up the 5 credits I needed to graduate.  I continued working at my job and even attended college for a brief period (twice) finding it too difficult to give my usual 100% to everything and not satisfied that I was giving enough to my job, my education or my child.

I am very grateful for the love and support of my kind and stubborn stepfather.  Having only to ask his permission to go out on a Friday night, which was usually granted as I worked hard and was a good Mom.  Most single young mothers had no one to help them with their babies, and they would frequently disappear for days when they secured one.

My children are my family and my life.  I will always be there for them anytime they need me regardless of how old they are or what the situation is.  I have been blessed with three unique and loving children; loving in their own ways, as they are each individuals and express themselves differently.

They have made me laugh, they have made me cry!  I have pulled my hair out and gone grey with worry a few times.  When they were little they played a game called, "lets see how quick we can get Mom to flip her lid"!  It usually took only a few minutes, as they were professionals!  I would not change them for anything in the world, nor would I want any of them to change.  I have raised three loving, strong and independent children who are so smart, the only thing I feel I have failed at is in them believing in themselves and their strengths and in knowing how to inspire them and motivate them to their potential.

I am not sure where I would be today without their love.  We are not a conventional family by any means, but I did try to raise the most functional of dysfunctional families.  I hope that they will overlook my failures and shortcomings after I am gone and realize how they each saved my life and made it worthwhile over the course of  these 28 years.

As I have struggled with one of my sons being sick this week and I am tired and stressed as I cannot make him better, I have done all I can do, leaving it in the hands of professionals.  I am pained by his pain, saddened by his sickness and hopeful that he will be alright in time.  A heart can be too big and life can be difficult.  I know that he knows that I am here for him and would never turn my back on him which in turn will give him the strength and desire to get better, something that I never got from my real parents, yet something that I remember despite the silence from my loving stepfather at times.

Friday, January 18, 2013


What I would  give for the ability to turn back time!  I wish it was December 17 and I was getting ready to decorate and get into the holiday spirit again!  I am so happy that I have those past wonderful memories to help keep my mind off of the dentist and the real life issues that have been surrounding me these past few weeks!

These couple of weeks of ongoing surprises and the lessons they have provided for me have been invaluable in a few ways.  A couple of those lessons have been provided by other people, and a couple of them I have learned from and will grow from the lessons provided.

I have seen first hand the power of fear, love and Karma!  I have been able to separate the facts from the actions and while, for a moment I was willing to accept responsibility for other's negative actions as my own until a good friend told me I could not own something which did not belong to me, and another good friend told me that people know the truth and I am a firm believer in the truth prevailing.

I have been upset and totally frustrated by a couple of things which have happened where people have taken advantage of my good and generous nature and I have really done an amazing job of not slipping to lower levels of behavior which are really unbecoming and reactionary.  Not to say that I did not rant about it in the privacy of my own home, and Karma did make a blessed appearance!   Major milestones!!!  I am also aware that  bully's will always be bullies, until they meet another bully who is stronger and in more pain than them, or until they learn to love themselves, stop blaming others and deal with their deeper problems.

One of my failures, which I have to work on is not responding to the bait from a hateful person.  While I said nothing back which is untrue, I lack the compassion to be extra nice and sweet and caring with someone who carries so much pain and anger.  I simply do not care.  I read the book on manipulation and guilt and to clarify, I am a snob towards snobby people who think they are better than everyone else and who use their erroneous feelings of power and control to use and manipulate people.  I have learned to recognize it, now I need work at not responding to it, or more correctly, not responding to it!

I forget that not everyone is nice.  Some people pretend to be nice.  Some people look for nice people to use and manipulate.  As a nice person, I find that nice guys don't finish last, they just have to get past all of the people who seem to have forgotten common courtesy and manners.

I have also been accused of using my blog to malign someone else, by that someone else.  I am not in agreement with that.  My blog is not an outlet to spread gossip or lies.  It is a sharing of my personal journey and expression of my self, my experiences and my feelings.  I make a point in not sharing other peoples stories, I am very careful about that, even to the extent where I don't share.

It makes it difficult at times, to write my story and respect the feelings of say, my children who are not reading and who have no idea what I am writing.  I keep them very general in my blog, as they are uncomfortable in me writing about them, but how can I share Christmas, without including them?  See what I mean.  How can I share my story when my children have been in my life since 1985 and have been my life?  One of my dilemmas which I hope to figure a way through and which will make it less difficult to be able to continue to share!

I am not perfect, I am a work in progress - working at changing my negative perceptions of myself and removing negative from my life - not feeding the hate but growing the love and joy and light which life is meant to be about, in myself and to the rest of the world, however large or small my world is!  I embrace the challenges as they are what show us the way, whether in the moment or after the smoke clears and they are where the lessons lie!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


I am so very thankful for the power of faith and the strong family ties that I have built in my family.  As you know if you have been reading we have been worrying and praying for my son's Dad, who had his surgery today and who is home, resting and relieved.

I prepare for the worst and hope for the best in most things, after a lifetime of worst experiences happening to me, especially when everything is going well and I am comfortable and off guard.  Which is where I have been for too long now without catastrophe striking.

Love and worry and strong family connections did cause a huge trauma for one of my family members over the past couple of days.  Shock, anxiety, and sleep deprivation took it's toll in a huge way and I am hoping now that there is not so much to worry about that the condition will clear itself up and my family member will rest easy without being sedated.

I was worried that if something bad happened to my sons' Dad that our family would just crumble to pieces. I did not prepare for the pre surgery meltdown going on!  I may have raised strong, independent children who sometimes speak so honestly with censure yet who have the strongest love for family, yet I doubt any of them would have the strength to lose Dad at anytime, let alone now with this new crisis going on.

I am so thankful that we are each others strength.  We are strong enough to keep pulling together for the greater good and survival, sweet, sweet survival!   Now maybe things can get back to normal and I can actually accomplish some things which I have been hesitant to begin.

To brighter days!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


Actions speak louder than words.  While mean words do hurt, they do not hurt as much when the actions prior to the words don't support the words.  If you say to me in words "I am your friend" and your actions and words out my my earshot do not support that statement the words are empty, hollow and meaningless.  If I say to you "I am your friend" and I do support that with positive actions and true feelings am I your friend?

There are two kinds of friends I think, those who are your friends  forever, and those people who are your friends when it suits them.  Some friends you see everyday and some you see randomly and love and appreciate just the chance to say hello and get a hug and carry with you through out the day the genuine warm feeling of love and friendship whether it has been 10 weeks or 10 years!

I know who my true friends are.  Friends who expect nothing of me, who want nothing of me and who genuinely appreciate me for me.  They make me feel good and are supportive and I am supportive of them and we have a mutual and general respect and appreciation of one another.

Some people collect friends like piles of leftover newspapers, they stack them up and say "Look, I have a lot of friends"  they sit in a pile in the corner and are called upon when needed, more of a status than a friend.  Discarded and in a pile collecting dust unless there is something interesting or useful to pull out of the pile.

I have been blessed to have many friends in my life.  People who know me and who listen to me and whom I  know and listen to.  My friends do not keep a list of what I have done for them and what they have done for me.  Friends don't do that.  Those are politicians.  Saving up the favors, doing favors and then throwing them in your face for later reference.

Friends do not wait until you have a family crisis or ordeal to dump their stuff on you and not listen and make it all about them and get mad because you don't have the time to coddle their egos and pump them up, and don't come into public places to tear you down when their is an audience and tell you to be quiet, which you are because your words are not important to that person, nor are your feelings or you basically!

I have said before I am a snob, I have high morals, values and standards, and I don't lie, yet I am down to earth and flexible and free - too free with my love and trust.  I learn the hard way, I trust until the actions do not match the words and then I re-evaluate the situation.

It hurts when you realize that you put your trust into another person only to have them manipulate and twist things around to put them in a good light.  Letting go of someone whom I genuinely liked and trusted is not easy for me, going the opposite way and overlooking somewhat seemingly minor/major things instead of accepting reality and truth and continuing to hold a "friend" dear - refusing to accept the reality.

That, I know is my biggest fault in the history of my life!  I think that is why I keep my world small.  It is easier not to get fooled by people with malicious intent.  One of my goals over the past 7 years has been to expand my world, which I have done by networking and volunteering.  Just getting out in the world and interacting is a huge step for me, which I have been doing with more comfort and ease over the past two years.

I still suck at judging people - so totally suck at it!  I am easily fooled.  I learn the hard way.  I hate to be judged so I don't make good assessments of peoples characters, and I am always surprised and hurt beyond words when I learn that someone I considered a friend never should have held that title.

I am in such a place right now and I have been since the end of the summer.  Unable to overlook the actions of a "friend" - being swayed with tears and half truths, yet still not trusting and going out of my way to "fall for" the manipulation.   Listening to them tell you how bad a person you know is, yet themselves talking and acting like you are their long lost friend when you see them.

In speaking with wiser women, who have better social skills than I do, taking the advice to step back and limit my interactions with said "friend" and all the time fearing the catty and two faced malignment of my reputation at the outcome, which had been and will continue to happen.  Sticks and stones, my friend, and oh, by the way, I am an adult and not in elementary school, how about you?

Such is life as I say!  I am still me and true to myself and my actual friends and strangers whom I meet along the way.  I will just be more careful in the future about those I trust and trust my self in my assessments of those I choose to spend my valuable time with!

I will still say hello to the random people I meet in the world.  I will still be genuine and real and open.  I will not let the actions and poor behavior of others change the person whom I am and whom you may be a little jealous of as I am not a pretender.  Just ask the people on the street who don't know me but who still stop me as I walk by and who brighten my day by naming me "the hippie girl" and whose days I brighten as well although we are strangers and who miss me when they don't see me for a few days.

Monday, January 14, 2013


So among the worries in my own family today, it is also the day for my false friend Jennet to come clean and dump me as a friend over facebook  I can just say that this is a relief to me.  She has crawled up under my skin with her whining and self centered attitude and her snide little remarks for a few months now.  Not liking it when I choose not to spend time with her or return her one phone call or her Facebook message before she left town, which I just became aware of from her message because she is not a true friend.

Nice way to do it!

"I have treied to call and have messaged you but you don't respond. Apparently you have decided to end our friendship. I am sorry you feel this way but we all need to do what is best for us. I do need to get my grill and you need to repay the $50 I loaned you. Let me know when it is good for me to stop by and take care of this. I'll be back in town Tuesday. Take care."

I had been trying to decide what to do when the decision was made for me.  That is good.  Avoiding her remarks and trying not to say anything back has been difficult and upsetting to me.  One can only hope that all of the things she whined about she will address.  I hope her hangover is nice this morning and the worry of her stuff on my porch in my "low class" neighborhood bothers her.

When it rains it pours!!!

So I guess I have to rearrange my kitchen and living room to make a shelf available for my canned goods I have stored under her table she let me Borrow.   More work.  I cannot say I am not surprised.  The sun is just starting to rise, it seems I now have a project while I wait for doctors to arrive to their offices.  Can anyone say adjoining rooms???

If I can make it through this I guess I will be able to make it through anything.  Was tired of her trolling my facebook, AND DELETING INAPPROPRIATE REMARKS which I have been avoiding anyway, (facebook) to find out what I have been doing.  Can you say stalker?  Life is too short and I have to many bigger worries.

It has been a unique experience seeing first hand the way a spoiled little rich girl acts when she does not get her way!  I never understood people who think that when you try to buy a person, it doesn't make them your friend, it makes you a sucker.  Fortunately I am not one she tried to buy.  She will learn the hard way!

The stories were funny and she was a good laugh to be around.  The airs she put on were amazing and while I knew that we were never really close friends, (although she said we were like sisters) I was just a convenience for her to come bail her out when she needed help, and to listen to her tell me how wrong every event that we were involved in was wrong and how she could do everything better (while doing the least amount of work).

I hope that she doesn't trash me too much, but what else should one expect from a catty two faced lovely friend?  What a bummer!

Oh well, this is more like it anyway!  I was wondering when my life would get back to normal.  The clock struck twelve and the carriage turned back into a pumpkin!  I wonder what is next?


The brain is a terrifying thing when it is off balanced.  Watching someone struggle with imaginary to everyone else happenings, being told that you were doing things while you were asleep, when you were just sleeping, and not losing it in the process is a huge struggle for me.

How do you be there for someone who needs medical treatment, who wakes you up to get it and then says you can't come because you will make people think I am crazy is not pleasant at 5:30 in the morning.  Not a good way to wake up on a Monday.  I know I should be at the emergency room right now instead of waiting for a doctor to maybe prescribe something, or who may just say, go to the hospital, tough call, waiting the wait.

Psychosis is a scary thing.  When someone, I don't care how smart, strong or nice you are, crosses into that realm there is no rationalization.  There is no appeasing them.  When you are a trigger for more negative when that is not your normal role, unless it is what that person thinks but is afraid to acknowledge when they are balanced makes me want to cry.

Does it make me crazy as well to be hurt and react to such absurd to me, yet so very clearly not to the person who is expressing them?  How does one not take it to heart?  How do you defend yourself against that?

Shock and triggers.  The brain can only handle what the brain can handle.  I pray for the strength to handle with grace and compassion what is going on in my little corner of life and not end up stark raving mad myself!

If you are dealing with someone with a mental condition, please, no matter how difficult it is, do not give up on the person.  They may look at you as the enemy and push you away when they are in a different state of mind, but in the long run, when everything is back into perspective, it will be okay.  They will remember when the fog clears and know you were there.  Do not be like all of the other people in the world who find it easier to walk away, let the doctors and nurses deal with them.  Maybe go and visit if you can force yourself.   Please do not judge or condemn these people.  They really need your support.  It is a scary time when you reside in that alternate universe.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


One thing that I love about my life is that it is so random.  I never know what is going to happen in a given day, who I am going to see, what I am going to do.  Last night was one of those nights!

While watching some pre-dinner catch up so we would be ready for the premiere of Shameless this Sunday evening, Thomas and I watched an episode and then I marinated the Chicken in some Lemongrass for an hour.

 I have never made this recipe or worked with Lemongrass before.  I remember how good it was when my Stepfather Joe used to make it though!  I gathered my ingredients and chopped what needed to be chopped, mixed it all together and marinaded for over an hour.  I will admit that I may have gone a little heavy on the lemongrass as the recipe called for 3 or 4 stalks of chopped lemongrass and mine was chopped and frozen, so I just cut some off and thawed it.

Having no minute rice, I was more concerned about not making sticky rice than anything else in the whole dish.  The rice came out perfect I am happy to say.  The Chicken with Lemongrass while it was too strong for Tom, was good to me with some soy sauce on it, delicious!

Patrick's Dad, Bruce phoned before this to chat with Thomas and touch bases with us.  Next week he has a major operation which he postponed last month due to defective equipment, so Wednesday is fast approaching!  Patrick and I chatted and he said he might come can never tell with Patrick what he is going to do, so I was very happy when he and his best friend showed up, followed by the arrival of our newest family member Sunday.

Al, his twin sister and I share a birthday, and I have not seen him since my impromptu birthday feast I prepared and shared with my amazing friends who showed up to celebrate my day.  Patrick likes to joke around and as he was "demanding" a plate of  chicken to try, he was also saying that Al said I was a bad cook, which is a total joke, as Al loves just about everything I make - he just doesn't eat enough - skinny post-teenagers!!!

Patrick did like the Chicken with Lemongrass and he even got Al to try a bite of it and Al also liked it!!!!  Tom has always been my pickiest eater, having to smell everything and go by that regardless of anything else since he was a baby he has been like this!!!

We hung around talking and laughing.  It was great!  At one point in the evening, Patrick challenged Sunday and Thomas to an arm wrestling match two against one.  It was very fun and funny to watch.  I do have video, which I took with my cool new little camera, which you can feel free to enjoy yourself if you would like!

The night ended way too soon, with Thomas actually leaving the house for the first time in months to go hang out with Bruce and Patrick at their house.  Sunday hung out with me and we watched some challenge show on MTV which totally crack me up!  I love them!  They are one of my new addictions, and I would participate if my neck were not all screwed up, but those days are gone, long gone!

We played some cards and had a fun girl night, missing the boys not at all, but happy and content from the evening!  I made an executive decision to walk Sunday home so I could go to the store and have a relaxing morning in without having to rush out for supplies when I got up, having no tobacco in the house.

I do have to pack up the decorations right after this (yes, I made Chicken with Lemongrass instead of doing my packing)!  Grateful I do not have to get out of my p.j.'s until I want to today, if at all.  I slept in until 9 - just as I predicted; to me 9 isn't really sleeping in - I used to sleep in until no less than 11 or noon depending on if there were people in the house when I was growing up, and if I heard voices, I would just roll over and go back to sleep - one of the drawbacks of having kids - having to rise and shine at whatever pre-noon hour they got up!!!

So with a huge list ahead of me (not really) and a totally empty and quiet house I write my blog, drink my tea and prepare!  I have to be awake enough not to drop and break any thing which may be a challenge in itself as my left arm has not been co-operating since last Saturday when we moved that store!  If I complete this goal today I will not only feel better about finishing it, I will be one step closer to re-arranging my living room!

Saturday, January 12, 2013


As I sit here drinking tea and evaluating my day, I realize I have so much to do that I do not want to do!  I am caught up on housework - dishes and laundry, but my dining room is still buried in decorations I am reluctant to put away - storage containers have been out for two days, awaiting the decorations and the end to this holiday season!

I have re-potted the plants I received as gifts, a beautiful spider plant and a jade plant who are both doing much better than three out of four of my mini roses.  I am disappointed with the health of my oldest mini rose plant, which isn't so mini anymore, but which lived too long in the mold infested apartment I vacated in May of last year.  It seems that no amount of fresh air, sunlight or chemicals are going to knock it out - but it is growing new shoots!  I miss my year round roses it produced for me for the previous 5 years though!

I am a freak about my roses!  Having had words with the squirrel that my neighbor feeds for digging a huge hole in the plant and breaking off precious branches!  That squirrel may end up in a soup pot yet, but I do not think I would ever be able to eat it!  We have an ongoing battle, can't wait for spring when we continue or daily back and forth - with the squirrel trying to intimidate me by almost jumping on my lap on more than one occasion - not cool before my first cup of tea!

A friend of mine has a squirrel which comes in through the window for peanuts!  He will throw down three peanuts and the creature comes in, retrieves one and eats it or stashes it outside, taking count before he leaves and coming back for more!  One of the funniest things I have ever seen - I need to learn from this - although, I do joke with my friend that the squirrel will have its own recliner, bathrobe, slippers and t.v. controller before the winter is over!

As I am ahead of the game, as far as organization goes, and feeling more settled everyday I have also begun my joy of crafting.  I am currently doing some needlepoint - a cute little snowman, and recently found another project I started more than ten years past with some pretty goldfish in a bowl, I am finding it a bit difficult to complete as my eyes are wearing out on me!

I also recently took out a blanket which I have been crocheting for myself.  I always do things for myself and end up giving them away as gifts to others, but this time I am going to keep it!  I have not been able to do work on that in a couple of years and it took me two days to find any crochet hook - which is odd as I have about ten of them at least!

Of course before I can legitimately start wasting my time on these personal projects, I still have to put away Christmas and re-arrange the living room again!  That in itself will be fun, but I do not have a picture in my head yet of how it should go.  ( I have had my living room three different ways since May!)  It is a process!
My friend Laurie, who crochets from beginning to end more projects in a week than I do in ten years has also found a pattern for my difficult dining room windows which I am happy about AND she probably has them half finished by now and I just gave her measurements two days ago!  Jealous I am not!  Awed is more like it!

With all of these plans and goals and hopes and dreams for my pending future, I am finding it really easy to just sit and play on the computer and do nothing necessary!  One more cup of tea, a kick in the pants and I will  be starting with the "have to do" list - beginning with the dining room!

Have a great Saturday people whether you are making your list or crossing things off of your list!

Thursday, January 10, 2013


One of the things which I have been trying to understand and learn over the past few months has been with dealing with people.  I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be, but I am always myself, nice, angry, sad, frustrated and uncensored.  I am a snob.  I hate fake people who put on airs, pretend to be something/someone they are not.   I expect people to be themselves in most instances and cannot stand it when people are one way to your face and totally different behind your back.  And I totally HATE people who take advantage of the kindness of strangers and friends alike and play stupid about it.

When I do a job, I put 110% of myself into, whether it is paid or volunteer.  When I volunteer, I am not volunteering for the free food (although I do eat it), and I don't sit around and watch others do the work and take the credit for it.  I do not volunteer so I can see free movies or get something out of it besides the experience and opportunity to meet people and get out in the world as my world is a bit small.

During my year and a half of volunteering I have met some amazing people.  I have been volunteered up willingly and without hesitation give of myself without expectations as long as I am available.  When I do a paid job and get paid less than the people who are volunteering because they "owe" someone money and do not do any work it kind of yanks my chain a bit!

I have recently had that experience.  Giving my time, keeping my word despite ill health and injury,  gathering help, learning that all the others that were there were just window decoration and not really there except to put in hours and not really labor, and expecting two people to do all of the lifting and work for a small business is just ridiculous to me and unfathomable, but a valuable lesson, one I will not be learning the hard way the second time around.

One other thing about me, when I have been taken advantage of, it is my choice to remain the victim or accept the loss, pray for Karma and move on.  I accept the loss, know that Karma is real and HOPE for the best in my growing and the STRENGTH not to be the victim and see how some people really are!

In seeing how people really are and in keeping true to myself and having been very untrue to myself as I keep getting manipulated by a crier   Yes, tears work on women from other women as well.  Not being one to use any of those control and manipulation techniques but being aware of them and allowing myself to be manipulated I am being eaten alive inside.  People who use other people do not experience guilt feelings I do not believe.  They learn to justify their actions or deny them and turn things around in my observations.

So I will accept the villain role, as I know that my name will be trashed.  I hope that the people who know me and my standards and situation, aside from the people who are like this will not be affected by this in their opinion of me, I hope they know me well enough to see me for me and not listen to the haters who misinform  and malign my reputation, but hey, it is the story of my life, the only difference is that I care about my life at this stage of the game!

I am sure some of you can relate to my words, I am not the only victim out there.  Now to be true to myself, I have to do what I tell other people to do and "grow a set".  I don't know why I care about the feelings of others who do not care about my feelings or my generosity, and I do not understand why I cannot be a big girl and remove the negative from my life - especially when it is more and more public and very disarming!  I am on a journey forward not backward!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


It took a few hours, but after posting my blog and meeting with two very wise men in my life I got a better perspective and a grip on things after slightly short circuiting.  That and taking down my Christmas decorations and burying my dining room table with the help of Mike Pezzo, who was there when I un-boxed everything - everything does come full circle.  Let's not forget the comfort food - some butternut squash, some mildly distracting music and winning a few games of backgammon and my tea.

Mike is just hitting the airwaves on our local radio station, playing some very awesome music.  It seems I am not the only one affected this day with bothersome thoughts and regressions.  Misery loves company and I was in fine company today!  And music soothes the savage soul as I am medicating with it as I type and feeling better and better with each beat and each word I type.  Should be interesting as every other song is going to be instrumental and I am a huge fan of bands riffing and jamming!

Speaking of bands, I did go out on Saturday evening and heard not one but two great bands!  The blues band - T-Bone Daddy, and let me tell you - Tyler Fairbanks blows me away with his guitar playing that I can barely dance - mesmerized with his guitar playing!  Dysfunction also played - don't know the names of the band members but the keyboard player can really belt out a tune vocally and the sax kicked its own brand of ass!

I also imbibed in alcohol and got very intoxicated off barely a drink and a half!  I do not drink regularly at all - a personal choice I made one fine day so many lifetimes ago.  After the work, the stress of the week and the lack of food I got really buzzed, not sloppy, but fun and happy drunk, until the supermarket at 3 a.m. with it's bright glaring lights!  My partner in crime - who doesn't drink did not even laugh at me, but my son teased me about it for two days!

Deciding to carry on and move forward as I am not a quitter.  I am also going to have a good firm introspection on what is really making me feel bad, and make some serious decisions which will result ultimately in conflict, which cannot be as bad as the conflict which I have been having with myself, but not because of myself - due to shall we say - outside negative influences.

Concerned about the pending outlook on my dental plan and really feeling the need for a second opinion, and the huge need for a primary doctor for some antibiotics to kick this infection out of my body really will be the jump start I need.  

I finally feel like I am in a good place and on a good path.  Unsure about the outcome, yet looking forward to and scooping up each opportunity as they come, living in the light and love of life is where I do want to be!  I want to wear my wings and fly - destination unknown headlong into my life that I have been afraid of living all of these years.

I am a rookie and I do believe the more that I am around people I will learn how to not judge, but select in a positive way the people who are important and leave the blood sucking vampires far behind.  I do have faith in Karma and lovingly know that what comes around goes around - eventually!

So with peace and faith and love I go forward again - just wanted to let you all know!  Thank you again for your loving support!


It is a cold, dark and sullen day outside.  Perhaps it is just enhanced by my mood, after walking past the field and the solar panels and the lake where I used to walk my dog.  It doesn't help that I moved further into the neighborhood where I walked him and it is one of the five things in my life which I feel deep remorse and guilt over losing.

I know myself pretty well.  I pride myself on the work which I have been carrying on with on my self since I got hurt in 1999, both the physical recuperation and the much needed balance in my mental state.  Shedding the only emotion which I lived closely with - anger - for so many years, may constant companion which I was unaware of until I completely lost it in fits of rage!

Anger and a mask.  My two companions.  Thankfully, when I was in multiple car accidents in the late 90's, I was referred to the Pain Clinic, who made me sign an agreement to follow their treatment - treatment of drugs many drugs - under protest I masked my symptoms and ate their poison for too many years, slight improvement with neck surgery, still medicated all those long and horrible years, ending abruptly in 2008 - painfully so.

The only good thing which came from the pain clinic was a great counselor to talk to until she had to leave due to medical reasons, sadly.  Betsy one day said "Perhaps your accident is a good thing, so you can work on yourself."  Realizing she was correct, I have been.

Part of it relearning emotions.  Everyone has them.  Easy you think, ha ha, you would be wrong.  When you live with constant anger and denial and tremendous pain you do not have love and peace and contentment, happiness, sadness each need to be relearned.  Learning how to acknowledge and accept emotions other than anger and fear and all of those other things that came with my "growing up" and learning how to love myself and what that even meant is an on going process.

Asking for help was another big one.  Something which I never did but which became a necessity as I was a single parent of three young boys, whom I managed very well, having a job in marketing which if I had the opportunity to work out of town at a show I would do in a heartbeat as it was one of my tools I used in order to live back home - by being away as much as possible;  I was usually home on weeknights by dinner and on the weekends the boys were usually at friends or at Dad's (Bruce was always there for me as far as the boys went, treating all my sons as if they were his own and not just one) and still is!

We had just lost my step father and my Mom lived downstairs so I had been having her up for dinner each night, as she didn't cook.  I asked her to help me with the dishes one night and she never ate at  my house again.  Not the result I was hoping for!  Thankfully, Jeffrey would carry the laundry to the cellar and I would have Thomas (who was 6 years old) help me up and down the vast stairs to the cellar  and Patrick would make me tea in the morning perfectly every morning because I could not get out of bed - wrecked with pain, unable to move, afraid to drive, even as a passenger!

My Chiropractor, physical therapy and drugs helped me be able to function slightly easier after a lot of hard work.  My boys and their help, although, not our normal way of living, helped.  Betsy and my faith and trust in her led me to the Brien Center where I got a replacement doctor, Lydia, who I worked with for many years, developing trust and who got me into Anger Management (which I was too angry for) and DBT which teaches you new behavior and communication skills which I took twice on my own.  I say that because most people are court ordered to go there.  I was not.  Skills, tools, learning.  Information is the key.

Lydia helped me through so many crisis and I grew so much as a person while I worked with her. It was one of the hugest abandonment's in my life when she too had to leave for a medical 5 or 6 years ago.  I made her a promise though.  I promised Lydia that I would not revert back into my angry self, devoid of emotions.   She knew that I always had plans since I was a teenager to write a book and it is my long term goal to do that (hence this blog is also a stepping stone for me in that arena).  I told her someday and I would hate to disappoint one of the very few people who meant so much to me.

I am somewhat on a cliff at the moment looking out over a high drop...below it you can see land and trees and green, sprawling land - open, unknown, and behind me a safe open door and a warm fire burning in the fireplace.  In my heart I want to retreat into that cozy room and be warm and safe by the fire, in my dreams I want to go explore the open lands and what lays before me.

Retreat or carry on, that seems to be the question on this day!  I think that I will pack up Christmas and pray for the sun to come out and for me to distract myself enough from thinking of retreating!  I guess if a path were easy I would not be on it!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


This has been floating around "Facebook" for a couple of days.  Being a reader - yet not familiar with the classics as much as I should be - I find this quote very interesting.  It has made me think which is what the man intended I am sure.

I have been fooled both ways over my 46 years.  Fooled on so many levels and being the biggest fool ever it has taken me years to stop believing the lies that other people spout for one reason or another, and longer to accept what is true - instead of accepting with my own eyes and brain what is right before me!

Everyone tells lies.  On Family Feud last night one of the questions was "How many Children lie"  it was during the final money round and one of the contestants said 50% and the other said 40% - out of the 100 people polled the answer was 100%!  What a trip!  I am sure, in face of getting into trouble for some such mishap, a child would lie for fear of the inevitable punishment, what was funny to me was that everyone in  my house watching was saying 100% and you could tell the contestants also wanted to say that but did not feel right about saying it aloud on National television!

It is the motivation behind the lies that is curious to me.  I have lied during my lifetime, mostly to myself regarding the reality of the situations which I had found myself in.  Never have I told a vicious lie intended to hurt anyone and mostly I lied because to face the truth in many of these situations would have killed me inside, more than the situations did!

I recently had the opportunity to stop refusing to accept a truth.  I believed that a man loved me, yet circumstances beyond his control, due to another controlling person was what kept us apart for so many years and that he did truly love me regardless of his behavior.

My motivation in not accepting the truth was love.  My love was pure and I thought deep down inside his was as well.  It has been a bitter pill to swallow as the only love this man has is for himself and the only thing that motivates this person is manipulation and greed and control.

Although the truth was hard to accept, finally I have accepted it.  That does not mean I am free of it.  I will always love this man, but a different kind of love.  More like pity and sorrow for a lost soul whom I will pray for.

I find it difficult to accept those who claim to know someone, yet they can hear a lie about someone and accept it as truth regardless as to what they know of that person.  When my grandfather died, my father's family - great believers that just because someone says something it is the truth regardless of facts, my Aunts sister came up to me and said "I will remember when you were nice when you were little"  believing the untruths of a psychotic person in stead of questioning it - believed it, along with a very special Uncle and Aunt, which kind of broke my heart into a million pieces.

What defense does one have when they are and have been slandered by the untruths of another?  I find it amusing to some degree.  I would love to hear all of the fantastic un-truths (my reality was exciting but not THAT exciting!)  I am sure they are amazing and would make a great book in the fantasy world!

So believe what you will, say what you will, accept what you will!  But who is the bigger fool?  The one who has fooled or the one who has fooled the fool?

Live in love, live in truth and accept your reality!  Be true to yourself because you are the only one that ultimately matters and those fools that fool the fool have their lies and lies are built out of hate and envy.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Today I had the amazing experience of helping move a boutique.  It is much different from moving a houseful of furniture, and the racks of clothing were by far easier than boxes of things!  I offered to help and was asked if I knew of any male help for the furniture and fixtures so I rallied my son's friends and found my faithful "son" Taylor who has help on my many moves since leaving New Ashford in 2008 without complaint and with his massive strength and easy going demeanor were both an asset on this day!

As I was recovering from my dental surgery this week and never really recovered, this was both something I looked forward to and also dreaded at the same time.  Being a person of my word is important.

Everyone pulled together unloading and moving things from the truck into the lobby where the small elevator was filled and unloaded to the second floor and brought through a wondrous maze of beautiful architecture - still visible despite remodeling.

Mannequins, shelving, cabinets, boxes and odds and ends filled the second load, and a new recruitment as Taylor persuaded my son Tom who never leaves the house due to an anxiety condition to come and help move the remaining heavy things that I would have no ability whatsoever to handle.  I would not be typing this if I had.

One of the most amazing things I got to enjoy today was a very old wooden rotating door in the side lobby while unloading a car full of boxes and bags!  The two floors we hiked up and down were worth the experience of walking through that amazing piece of history!

If you cannot tell, I am a freak about architecture and antiques.  Old wood, large rooms, chandeliers, stairways - beauty does not just come from nature.  I am a fan of it all!  I cannot get enough of it and to find this gem in my very own city, hiding in that unused lobby, not even used as a doorway makes me want to find out when that building is open and walk through it no less than once a month!

My son is dead to the world after all that work today.  Napping away.  I am thankful so thankful that he was able to pull it together and come to our aid!  I still have the opportunity to go and hear a great blues band this evening and I am looking forward to it.  I just hope that my body agrees with my brain!  We shall see when the time comes!

Friday, January 4, 2013


I have been having a very unusual week here.  The dentist and teeth removal have really taken it's toll.  I am not used to feeling like I have been run over by a truck!  I figured I would have bounced back by now and back to normal, yet, it is Friday and I just want to sleep!  I guess I have been on a roller coaster of activity since the middle of December!

I made it through my normal Friday routine, picking up my food from the food pantry, which thankfully, the cold wasn't as cold by the pond where I go as it could have been, the sun shone brightly and the wind was not too bad!

I am looking forward to a special treat - for me anyway, which is leg of lamb, yummy!  My kids hate it, but that is fine with me!  I can't afford it so being given one is like super awesome!  It is in the freezer for when I can truly appreciate it!  My Gramma Fields used to cook leg of lamb at Easter and I will be thinking of her as I cook and enjoy the wonderful gift I have received!

On Wednesday I had my Chiropractor, which brought good news, one more week of every two weeks then we are going to stretch it to every three weeks.   He has stabilized my situation with my neck to the best of his ability and the rest is exercise and strengthening.

I was delighted to "finish" Christmas the other day with +Sunday Brunch and my two boys exchanging gifts finally!!!  I was so very surprised when my son and I received a camera, so now I can document with my own pictures!  Yeah!!!  My son Patrick was happy to receive some "Angry Bird" pajamas, which is his new favorite video game.

Last night we celebrated Sunday's birthday, which is on the twelfth day of Christmas, I was happy to celebrate early, she is a vegetarian and the homemade mac and cheese she requested was better than the one I made for her in November and it was the first real food I have enjoyed all week which wasn't jello or tea!  It is nice to have a young woman around who understands my kids better than I do and who can say to me, Jen, why are you even listening to Tom - lol!  She is a good person who puts things into perspective for me!

I have had a few interesting occurrences with people, random people, not my family or friends which will take some time to watch and wait and see what happens.  Confused in some respects and puzzled by human nature - what else is new!

On a more positive note, I am less concerned about what my son is going through.  All I can do is be there if he needs me and let him know how much I value and need him.  It has been nice spending one on one quality time with him and just being there with him seems to help him.  When boys grow up into men they are still boys.  They will always be my babies no matter how grown they get and I will never turn my backs on them. How could a parent ever consider not being a parent?  Lifetime commitment as far as I am concerned!

I have gotten some amazing feedback and support through my blog.  I have been taken aback by that!  I am not used to positive feedback or words of encouragement from friends and strangers alike!  My children still refuse to read my words, but one day they may!

My friend +Mike Pezzo did me the great service of printing out all of my blog posts last week for a surprise for me!  I am blessed to have such an awesome friend in my life!  I cannot wait to sit and read my words and see where I have been and  tie up loose ends and perhaps find a direction.

I thank you all for being there for me in your various and wonderful ways!  My cup seems to be empty this week so I am loving those of you who renew my strength and energy!  I hope you all bear with me as I recover!  I cannot believe how wiped I am!

Have an amazing weekend!  Thank you for filling my cup!