HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Happy Halloween!!!  Halloween used to be one of my favourite holidays in years past.  I have so many wonderful memories ~ parties, friends, fun, costumes.  Later, bringing my children trick or treating back in the neighborhood which I grew up in since I knew it was safe, and you had to go to the grandparents house as well and show off how scary or cool the kids looked before going out to score the candy.

Since the children are grown up now I have no such obligations, although last week I did go to the Halloween Parade with my granddaughter and her Mom and Dad.  I thought it was pretty lame ~ mostly police and more police with a few floats and some kids in costume, very scaled down from my early childhood memories of the Pittsfield Parade on Wahconah Street which has been replaced with a Tyler Street Parade, but all in all it was a fun time with my family!

I  have always lived in remote places in the past where no children dared come..growing up in West Pittsfield we lived at the end of a long driveway, which even in the daytime was a bit ominous, and my stepfather had a reputation (erroneously) of being scary ~ so no one ever came down for tricks or treats.

Our home in New Ashford was also down the beaten path ~ dark and scary ~ and no one dared enter so we never got children there either.  Since moving back to Pittsfield in 2008 despite living in apartments on busy streets still no children knocking on my door looking for treats.  A couple of years ago I remember pulling a girl with her young child into my doorway as she was walking home just to have the pleasure of giving out some candy.

I am sure this year will be no different.  I have found some of the Halloween decorations but have yet to put up a single one, and frankly, I am not sure that I have the energy to do so.  I am hoping to get a kid or two or else we are going to be rotting our teeth on the candy I bought just in case a miracle happens.

It has been three weeks since my surgery and this has been one of the most difficult weeks as far as my recovery goes.  I think I got lucky the first two weeks of feeling okay and it may have just been the medicine covering up the majority of my pain.

I had the opportunity to review a couple of events at the Whitney and even managed to write my reviews despite not fixing my computer yet.  That needs to wait until I can lift up a computer and have a clear head while I am trying to get one of them to work for me.

I realized two weeks ago when my incision gushed near the end of the Alturas Duos show that I might be overdoing it a bit and was thankful that I had no events that I was committed to do.  I have been taking walks and going for coffee some mornings and trying to do small things around the house to feel useful, while trying to overlook the little dirt piles accumulating around the edges of my rooms.

Since I hate to take medicine I have also been trying to manage my pain with as little medicine as possible, which has gotten me more pain at the oddest times which needs medicine to control.  It is a viscous cycle.

My incision is almost completely healed, although I cannot see it for myself unless someone takes a picture of it.  I have to rely on others to reassure me that it is not as horrible as my mind imagines it to be.  I have also become very vain, a new trait which I hadn't had before and associate that with my vision of how horrible the scar will be.  No amount of reassurance can change my mind about that nasty fact.

I am getting used to wearing the neck brace so that I can make it through the days without added pain from holding up my head while sitting or walking despite feeling self conscious of it,  even out in public if need be.  I do not want to spend the next year lying down as I had after my first surgery 15 years ago.

I am getting used to my left hand being numb most of the time and pray it goes away.  Since I have been home I have been monitoring where I have numbness and pain and noticing that some of it that I had when I first got home has left me and some of it has remained.  I think time will tell.  Overall I feel pretty good ~ better in fact than I expected and I think my Doctor was surprised at how well I was doing after my two week check up.

I hope to get back on a normal writing schedule on my blog as well as my fiction.  I hate the way it is working out ~ last night I opened up a page to begin to write and then went totally blank.  I opted out to go watch a movie instead, promising myself that I would write today even if it kills me!

This Sunday is Opera Notte at the Whitney during the afternoon instead of an evening show.  I am looking forward to going and I hope to see you all there ~ it is always a fun time at the Whitney.  I am really enjoying being a part of the events and sharing them with my readers who are unable to attend.

All and all, life is good, better than I could ever imagine it could be.  I am happy to be happy and looking forward to the future one day at a time.

ALTURAS DUO AT THE WHITNEY CENTER FOR THE ARTS

Lisa Whitney and Ghazi Kazmi at the Whitney Center for the Arts have once again outdone themselves by bringing another amazing musical event to the Berkshires.  The performers were pleased and surprised to discover such a high level of attention and appreciation of the Arts in a Bistro setting.

Trying to find the appropriate words to describe the music of Alturas Duo, consisting of Scott Hill on guitar and Carlos Boltes on viola, Charango and Venezuelan Cuatro, is almost as complex as the music itself. 

The addition of guest artist Minta White on flute, playing an assortment of classical and South American Folk Music, making sounds one doesn't associate with the flute also helped make an evening sure to be remembered for a lifetime. 

Scott Hill describes the sounds as a combination of metal, classical and folk music combined into one compilation.  One minute you are listening to calm, relaxing even soothing music and then you are flung headfirst into a mishmash of stops and starts and sounds which, while they do not seem to belong in the same piece fit there perfectly somehow.

Much of the music played that evening had to be memorized in the Oral Tradition, which means that it isn't written down anywhere and was learned over time by going to the countries and learning the music by ear.  These artists are classically trained and play their instruments to perfection. They sounded as if they had been playing together forever.  The music was very complex and well timed.

Add to the mix the World Premier of  “Three Meditations for Flute and Guitar.”  It consisted of "Reflective Pondering", "Restlessness of the Mind" and "Transcendence".  The piece was played by Scott on guitar and Minta on Flute and the presence of the composer, Arthur Hernandez at the Whitney Center for the Arts made it a historical evening.

IT COULD BE WORSE

I spoke with my granddaughter the other day and one thing she said was very accurate and I could very much relate to.  We were catching up and she was very chatty, we were discussing our next possible sleepover, Halloween, the Parade and she said "Time is going very fast".

It surprised me to hear those words come out of her seven year old self.  It is also something which I myself have noticed over the course of recovering from my surgery.  The time was so slow for the month after I found out that I needed surgery and it seems to have suddenly sped up and life has been somewhat of a blur for me.

I have already been to my two week follow up with the surgeon which came very quickly (or so it seemed to me). Trick or Treat is just around the corner with Thanksgiving not to far after that.  The days have been racing by.

I am finding that there have not been enough hours in the day, or maybe it is just my energy level.  I feel that I am doing very well at this stage of my recovery.  The doctor is amazed at how well I am doing as well.

I was surprised to hear from him that most people are not feeling better before a month/month and a half.  I wonder if it is a fluke.  I think more accurately that I am doing well because I have a great caregiver, I was prepared before I left with the cooking and housework at a place where it wouldn't be stressing me out when I came home as well.

After we left his office we headed to my brothers house, thanks to Julie and GPS, we located my brother's home and picked up my jacket I left in his car the day of my surgery and then headed back towards Northampton for coffee in the coffee shop that we like to visit and over to the book store.  I have now found two of Anne Rice's books for my collection and picked up a cookbook on Chinese cooking and Pasta two things I have been working on learning.

Today is the worst day that I have had, having awakened around 2:30 a.m. and awake at 4:00 a.m. saying out loud that if I was still awake at 4:30 I was just going to get up and use the computer, instead falling asleep and waking (still stiff, sore and in a lot of pain) around 8:00 a.m., choosing to get up and begin my day as I normally would. on a good day with the idea that lying down was an option if medicine and movement did not lessen my symptoms.

I have been able to attend two programs at the Whitney Center for the Arts that prior to my surgery had left up in the air and non committed to  as I wasn't sure just how surgery was going to hit me, I have written one review and seriously thinking about how I would write the second since the music and performance were very complex and need just the right words to describe.

I barely made it through that performance since my incision decided to let loose a ton of fluids, which had been occurring and necessitated a call to the on call doctor a couple of days before.  Since we already knew what to expect it wasn't as scary as it had been the first time, having been told it was somewhat normal.  The incision leaking had been a factor which almost got me a second night stay in the hospital

It hasn't been "life as usual" but it hasn't been totally horrible either.  I am not running marathons or moving rooms around, but I have participated in life more than I thought I would be.  Last night I was able to join my eldest and his family at the Halloween Parade.  Bundled up nice and warm with my neck collar on I was cozy and warm and it was just short enough so that I was able to stand the whole time without wishing I was someplace else.

My left hand has been numb more than not and it is a good thing I am right handed.  It is bothersome to a small degree and today my neck, back and shoulder muscles are so tight that I just want to shake myself free of feeling like this and am not making any promises about what I am going to do today.

Low key day is in store for me.  I am thankful that I have nothing pressing except for the demands I put on myself which may be no greater than writing this blog and writing my review as well.  Two things that may or may not mess with those muscles.

The other day I had a little emotional meltdown regarding a family matter which is disturbing to me and caused me to fall momentarily into a little black hole of despair, but which did not take me out of the game completely.

I did walk into my favourite store and impulse shop, but instead of spending money, I put a jacket that I liked behind the counter in order to "sleep on it".  That was a couple of days ago.  Today is the day that I decide (after trying it on) whether I am going to act on that impulse or refrain.  It could have been worse, I could have just acted on it that day and given myself one more thing to beat myself up for.

The sun is out and shining today as well which will definitely help change how I feel for the better.  It has been so damp, rainy and cold that it would be easy to fall into that kind of mood and get stuck there.  It could be worse, but I am so glad that it isn't!!!

CONDITIONAL LOVE

Confusion and fear, you are near

Using your tricks to make conflicts

Trying to manipulate me to see something you think is bad for me

Instead of trusting that what I feel is real.

You try to make believe you love me yet you use me constantly

When my actions do not suit you it makes you blue

You then make me feel like I am wrong

It is a familiar song.

Once Upon A Time you were mine, smiling sweetly, making me believe

you had nothing up your sleeve.

Then you grew up and our roles reversed, now you make me feel small and alone

Since you have grown into my worst nightmare

You use tricks that worked in the past

Manipulation, guilt and fear ~ always near

Despite all the pains that I have made to keep those things away

You break my heart, tearing me apart.

I will always love you ~ that much is true

I could never be so cruel as to push you away, make you afraid, make you feel small

I wouldn't do that at all even though it is easy for you

You haven't got a clue, sweet child of mine

how many times I cried over you

It makes me blue to think that you would sink as low

not ever caring what I know as I watched you grow

Wishing I had some say into the way that you behave

Treating me like a child trying to make me wild

Turning me into a slave

To get me to behave

You cannot accept what I feel

It is unreal

I will love you to the grave and beyond

UPDATES AND EVENTS

Time has been flying by quickly since I got out of the hospital.  I have been feeling better than I thought I would at this time.  Everything is mostly okay.  Last week I had to go to BMC due to a cough I brought back from Bay State and had a pleasant experience at the E.R..  For a change, I cannot complain about the service there.They gave me some antibiotics since I had just gone through surgery.

My incision is healing good at the top and not so good at the bottom. It began seeping the night before last and increased seepage over the course of the day so I phoned my Surgeon after hours and spoke to the Physicians Assistant and sent a picture, which is a pretty cool way to see what a patient is talking about.

He called back after looking at the picture and recommended I keep taking the antibiotics and keep an eye out for the wound opening and pus.  Now I have to keep it bandaged which is a good way to keep track of seepage since it is not gushing out and is clear which makes it impossible to be aware of otherwise.

I probably should not be doing all of the things I have been doing but health be damned ~ I am stubborn.  So, until I go back to see the surgeon on Wednesday I am going to try my best to be a good patient and not make things worse.

I am thankful for the soft collar as it helps to have help supporting my head upon my neck.  It is very strange when your muscles are cut in the back.  It affects everything from getting up while lying down to sitting up and even standing and sitting without a collar is a pain in the ass ~ I never realized how heavy ones head can be ~ sometimes my head feels like it weighs 100lbs.

Despite recovering I took advantage of the nice afternoon on Thursday and went to Third Thursday. Since it is October the kiddies were costumed up and the first people I saw were my eldest son and his family including my little monkey girl who was cute as a button in her costume!

She saw me and ran up to me and I had to refrain from scooping her up into a big hug ~ the very sight of her always brings a huge smile to my face!  I love her sooooo much!  My son and daughter in law got to meet my significant other who has been by my side and taking such good care of me.

My eldest son is so difficult to read so it was difficult to tell what was going through his head when they met.  He can come off as semi disinterested and some of his facial expressions are so cool it was hard to read him.  I think it went pretty well.  Two sons down and one to go.  My middle son is so elusive and funny about meeting people.  He hasn't even come by to see me although he calls and checks in with me regularly.  I miss him a bit.

Life is good despite the fear of the unknown.  I am taking it one day at a time and not worrying about the "what if's"  One thing at a time,  Tonight is another performance at the Whitney.  It should be an interesting show this evening with Entre Mundos and Minta White performing.  I love all things new so I think I will enjoy learning what Contemporary and Classical South American Folk Music sounds like.

Minta White is a flutist and I love flute music as well ~  yet I have never had the experience of hearing a flute soloist.  I did try to learn the flute while I was in elementary school, giving up after learning one song.  Making music is just not my thing despite my love of music in all genres.

I will be there at the Whitney this evening for the 7:30 performance.  I do hope to see you there. These musical performances have been well attended and I enjoy each and everyone of them. Reservations are not necessary but if you want to be sure to have a seat then it is recommended.  Be sure to consider this event as a possibility of a great way to spend a Saturday evening.

Early dinner tonight so we won't be late for the show and I am cooking the amazing Hamburg and Green bean casserole my brother's wife cooked for me last week when I slept over the evening before surgery.  I am getting hungry just thinking about it and it is only just past breakfast time.  I hope I can do the dish justice.

Time to catch up with my computer games now that I have taken the time to write and share an update.  My computer is still down and my son is back on his computer again due to a huge update to his World of War Craft obsession not to be mistaken for his Playstation obsession of the week before which allowed me more computer time.

The weather has been rainy recently and then warms up which is the only thing that is saving my poor neglected garden.  My peppers, both hot and sweet are trying to grow and with few more days of sun and rain they should be ready.  My one and only daisy finally opened it's petals for me and the timing could not be better!  Next year I plan on timing my garden out better, but I am hopeful that the next few days will prove to be fruitful unless we get a frost.

Since I can't think of anything more to update you on I am off for now.  Thanks for reading and I hope to see you out and about tonight if you are in the area!

WHITNEY CENTER FOR THE ARTS ~ REVIEW AND UPCOMING EVENT

On Saturday. October 11,  I attended another great musical performance at The Whitney Center for the Arts with HuDost, Elizabeth and the Catapult and special guest performer Linda Worster.

The evening began with Elizabeth performing her songs with of her guitar and piano, warming us up for HuDost who label themselves as Neo-Folk Sufi Art Rock.  Moksha Sommer and Jemal Wade Hines make up the two person band.   

Audience members unfamiliar with the Whit but acquainted with HuDost, hinted at the tremendous experience we were in for.   Moksha played one of the most interesting instruments I have ever seen, a cross between a keyboard and an accordion and Jemal kept the beat going with his numerous string instruments .

These performers were masters of the instruments they played and were like instruments themselves with the music seeming to flow through them, into their instruments and outward.  It was quite a spiritual and emotional experience.  I was first acquainted with Pittsfield's newest Art Venue for wonderful exhibits, thanks to Lisa Whitney and Ghazi Kazmi who are planning to bring more Art and Culture to our fair city.

It wasn't until recently that I discovered that they are more than an Art Gallery, they are also a great venue to see excellent and entertaining Music Performances as well as One Person Comedy shows,  Opera, and Cabaret.

October 18, Alturas Duo with Minta White will be performing Contemporary Classical and South American Folk Music and will be premiering Arthur Hernandez's composition "Three Meditations for Flute and Guitar."

Reservations can be made through tix@thewhit.org or by calling 413-443-0289.  Reservations are recommended.

POST SURGERY BLOG ~ THE POWER OF LOVE

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Pre Surgery Blog

I am in Somers Connecticut, at the beautiful home of my brother and his wife to be closer to the hospital for an early neck surgery in the morning. It has been a long wait up until this point to make it to the night before surgery. The food is ready when I make it home, the house is clean and the plants are watered. I am more than ready for it to be time to go under the knife and relieve some of this pain and pressure that I have been experiencing, which I thought was just normal pain from my injury 15 years ago. My brother has lived in this beautiful home for more than 10 years with his wife and I have never been here before this. Our lives do not intersect too much due to distance and time getting away from us. The love is there though and I am most thankful to have such an amazing brother who really comes through for me when I need him. Being a strong woman, that isn't often, but when I asked for his help this time he did not hesitate to come and get me after a full days work. His wife had a delicious dinner ready for us when we arrived home, despite not being able to eat herself due to some health issues she has been experiencing lately with surgeries of her own planned. The love and kindness has just been amazing and I am most grateful to them for their love and support! Finding out over a month ago my pain was more serious than just normal wear and tear was a huge shock to me. The past month and some weeks have led me down an interesting road to say the least. Going through a wide array of mixed up and confusing emotions and experience over the course of that time, being asked to write reviews for the Whitney Center for the Arts, along with finding (dare I say) Love along the way have all been new and wonderful experiences for me. Love and support seems to be seeping out of the woodwork for me lately. During this months First Friday Artwalk, everywhere I turned my dear, sweet and wonderful Art World friends had words of support and encouragement for me at every stop I went. It was almost too much for me to accept. I am so amazed by it. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel genuine love and support when you have mainly been recognized only for your failures instead of your accomplishments. Though it is late and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to arrive at the hospital for the first one in the operating room (less germ exposure ~ I will take that!) I felt the need to write and share before this day is through. I have said goodbye to my family and friends and told them I love them (just in case) and would like to thank you, my readers, for your part in my evolution. Without you along on my journey, I am not sure if I would have been writing and continuing to write, which has led me to gain confidence in myself, develop some skill and open my mind a bit further each and every time I write. I even submitted my last review to the Berkshire Eagle for consideration of publication (fingers crossed!) Recently I took the opportunity to look back at the first blogs I wrote and they are by far a joke to me now. Simple and silly compared to now (although at times they are still silly). The dedication to writing, although I do not write every day like I used to, mainly because I am out living life and gaining experiences in order to have stuff to write about, the confidence which has grown in my writing and in my social development as well are all becoming natural to me. It has taken many years to get to this point, more confident with a real smile instead of a mask with a smile painted on, hiding the pain which I could not even face myself, which today I do face full on (with nudges here and there), which I couldn't and wouldn't have done on my own. To fully live an authentic life brings with its own rewards, which I seem to be reaping in abundance, so much so that I pinch myself frequently to ensure that I am not dreaming! Though I am scared about tomorrow, I know that I am not alone. I am sure all will go well, but I just wanted to thank you all for being here on this journey with me. Your views, comments and support have meant so much to me! To be inspired and to inspire others is something which I do not take lightly, so thanks for the inspiration and the universal love ~ may it come back to you all a hundred fold! Time for p.j.'s and a few pages before I sleep ~ Good night and god bless!

TIME, PATIENCE AND FAITH

As time draws near and I am preparing for my surgery (down to 6 days) tick tock goes the clock. Thinking I was on track yesterday as I began cooking my comfort foods for my recovery and so Thomas has some easy prep work as he cares for me (hopefully) when I get home, doing the most enjoyable activity that I can do to keep the anxiety away ~ (cooking) planning on three days minimum, when the phone rings and once again the unexpected happens.

Of course I should have realized I would have to talk to the anesthesiologist and have that "pre-op" discussion, but I am thinking on what needs to be done and never considered that I would have to go down this week to Springfield, which is exactly what happened yesterday afternoon.

It threw me for a few minutes, I cannot deny.  I cursed at myself, I panicked, I pondered what to do, went through a series of F*c* My Life and mentally prepared a list of possible ways to make my way in two days to get the job done.

To my delight, the solution came quickly.  One of the perks of my new "life", no doubt about it.  The only disadvantage is it takes away a day from my cooking.  No worries here, however, I just erase Thursday from the calendar and use it as a work/play day with plans to explore Northampton on the way home from Springfield.

So today has been early to rise, chopping veg, making sauce while the Chicken Soup Stock simmers away for the rest of the day (and into the night).  I will be right on track after I get the Beef Stew going in a little bit with the plan to throw the Chicken Soup completely together on Friday before ArtWalk.

I have got this and then some!  My confidence is as high as my productivity.  A major miracle.  No stress, no worry.  Okay, that isn't true, but it is so minimal that I can barely tell it is living just under my skin.

Review finished and published, still have to share the link with a couple of people who were interested.  The added bonus of adding the 8th part to my continuing saga which has been too long in the writing (and it was so easy that I could have kicked myself!)

Complete satisfaction is how I have been rolling lately ~ that makes drawbacks and unexpected events that much easier to solve and incorporate into my life.  The computer is still down, but I am not bothered still (can you believe it????)

Life is good and I don't know how it could get any better, but I am sure as each day passes that there is no doubt in my mind that it will.  I am not even worried about putting the good out there for the world to see, not worried that the rug will be ripped out from under me and I will wake up and realize that it was all a lovely dream.

What a lovely way to live!  My only regret is that this feeling has taken so long to enter my life!  If I were to give advice right now, I would say ~ have patience ~ good things do come to those who wait. I never would have imagined that except that I am living it!

Time to prep the Beef Stew.  Have a blessed day and keep the faith ~ life can be great!