Waking up today, trying to channel Clawdia, one thing runs through my head, the old adage, otherwise known as the GOLDEN RULE :
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." , it simply means you should treat others as you'd like to be treated.
I have always tried to live within this scope of being. Today, I struggle with the simply put aspect of it as I ponder the reality that hides around the corner. If I treated others the way that they treat me, in the larger scope of things then I would have to go against my core self.
I bet it would feel great to snub and become unavailable in every circumstance, to tell people that my life is none of your business and to make them feel like they can't even ask "how are you?" "What are you up to?" to know that they are struggling to manage physically and only care about myself when and if I do bother to call, and then when I call only ask for a favor and as an aside ask but not listen to how you are actually feeling. To say I am sleeping all day tomorrow only to leave at first light and come back after dark, not answer the phone and then call someone in your house to let them know you are alive and well....burn in hell.
I wonder, as I sit in thought, emotions aside, through a lifetime of memories I glide. I wonder, if it comes with such ease like an invasive disease in those others, to hurt and then blame it all on you? how safe am I from the disease? If I did unto you as you do unto me will that set me free? If I do, won't that make me sick like you?
I try to find a loophole, like I did when I was younger, to help me accept and write off your behavior like it isn't against me, hadn't hurt me, infected me, driven me into choices that I might not have made otherwise. I am just a buffer for the guilt you never feel. I will never heal.
Just THINKING about the past doesn't mean I live there. Just connecting the dots in the whole picture, the full piece doesn't give me PEACE. It just confuses a brain that lives in the original fairy tale that is really, as all fairy tales are, a NIGHTMARE hellscape.
My self is connected so deeply in the original lie, the pie in the sky and the cow jumped over the moon made of cheese. Dear lord, please cure me of this disease. I have to put it aside, take it in stride. A change needs to come before I am undone. I have seen all I need to see and don't care to hear any more. It appears to be time to close that door and accept the unacceptable.
