EMPTY BOXES

 Clawdia, Clawdia, where forth art thou, Clawdia?  

All I see is Jennifer. 

You know HER, that weird girl who forgets that expectations lead to disappointment. That girl that forgets the mask and one look at her face will tell you more than you can get in words.  Silence and quiet responses when spoken to, so as not to be rude, or crude.  She is neither.  She is meek  and silent.  

Stuck in between.  In between being able to laugh off the latest non verbal slap in the face and facing the reality she has been laughing off for most of HER life. The fairy tale.  Always the fairy tale. Accepting it for the story that it is, instead of the magical hope that walked by her side when she was ALONE, always alone.

That pretty little thing with the long dark hair and the sparkly blue eyes, unless they were green or god forbid silver...those eyes. She couldn't bear to look into those eyes. She saw deep inside.  She refuses to look, knowing that if she looked too close she wouldn't be able to believe the lie, to face the reality.

It has been harder for her to not see the reality. She is not ready to accept that reality.  She is angry in the reality. Angry and Jennifer are not good companions.  That is why she holds off accepting the reality. Some might say it is bad to not face what is there but in the shadows, no longer in the box, but still, remaining just there...can you, wait, nope...nope. For a second I thought there was hope.

Clawdia, Clawdia...

you who are me, but thee, you who do not give two figs about the hidden digs, the asshole pigs.  She, me, the girl who can take it all in stride.  She never has to hide, she laughs freely and dances in the streets.  The girl who walks always in style with a smile; where forth art thou, Clawdia???

Clawdia knows that the silver lining requires a peek.  Claudia knows that the evil that lurks in the shadow is the speaker of all of the lies. He smiles and wears no disguise.  Just the lies. Claudia knows that it is true, but never knows what to do because Jennifer cares despite the despair that goes nowhere and never has. Nothing ever changes. 

Where is Clawdia?  Where is the faith and hope?  The view from a different scope? Where is the mask? The smile? Where is my magical little bit of silver lining?  Is it the cake that is not as it should have been a birthday cake which is now just cake? If only it were that simple....