UNTITLED

Thinking fondly of days gone by with love

The best days of my life filled with no worry or strife

Surrounded with love, family and friends

One of our sons has passed

As I remember fondly the past

Days of fun and laughter

Sitting around the table

Unable to do more than enjoy

I think about the boys 

and will claim the pain of the loss

of one of our own

Called home

To the greatest snow peaked 

mountain

That is where he will be

If you listen closely you can hear him 

As he shreds his way down

You will be missed here

Where you spread so much cheer

To the people you held dear

RIP Daniel 

5-23-2015

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TIME AND LIFE

I feel like I have lived 10 years in the past two months!  This weeks feels a year long and it is only Thursday as well.  This is not how time flows in my life normally.  There have been so many highs and lows, ups and downs, confusion, peace and more confusion.

Throughout it all I have been doing my level best to remain calm, not react, live in a place of acceptance despite limited understanding in most cases.  I have looked inside myself hard and long, examined more closely my wants, needs and desires.

I have been hard on myself and I have been kinder to myself.  I have been walking through these past two months with my eyes wide open in order to see what is in front of me.  I ran into a wall, found I didn't have the strength to climb over and went around instead.

I accepted rejection as gracefully as I could (which was pretty darn amazing), embraced acceptance and love of my self with a little bit of help from those around me ~ those I know well and those I hardly know.

My cup was empty and I let the universe fill it up once again.  I accepted the light instead of running back into the safety of darkness.  I bit my tongue, I faced my fears and I shed three tears ~ one for you, one for me and one for what would never be.

I was pushed out and pulled back in.  I am now in a place looking for the grace of god to comfort me. Allow me to believe there is a place for me.  Partial doubt trys to embrace me and I am trying to shake it free trying to believe in me and my ability.

I walk alone as I know I should.  Content with my life and doing some good.  Still burdened to a degree but know that I have what it takes inside of me to do what I can. Moving forward has always been my main plan.

I don't know what lies ahead on my path.  The journey is longer than my sight can see.  I only know I am not finished with the world, and I am sure it is not finished with me!

MOTHER'S DAY

I am forever changed.
I am as I was before, just a little less complete
blank like this sheet before I added words.

Living in  limbo
after watching you go
Listening to the words you say
the way you behave
Which are two completely different things!
Never to understand

Weeks passed
I wasn't sure what to do
Each day was filled with thoughts of you

Worrying about how we would be
professionally
Less worried as we went along
Almost feeling like I belonged

Perhaps there is time to heal and understand
I went without fear, along with your plan
"If you quit, I will too"
Those are words you swore were true

They were just part of your main plan
You knew my love of Art was my "other man"
It was also the glue that kept me with you

The choice became clear
on that sunny Sunday
the day you were so mad,
thinking I was glad not to answer you
no matter what I do wasn't good enough
that much is true

I took time out to be with you
doing what we love to do
You cut me out and sealed our fate

Those words you said to me
sealed my decision instantly
Taking away my dream, being petty, being mean
You can't bully someone into loving you
all it does is push them further from you

You said you knew me well
If that much is true you knew what saying those words would do
Sealing my heart closed
Getting up and walking away
was not the way I planned my Mother's Day