Sunday, May 7, 2017

Pieces breaking off, broken, feelings stop. That organ that equates to love and life itself - is so weak, it's beat so faint, struggling to remain working, though it is far from whole.  One day you wake up and you are gone and you don't even care.    The bliss of no feelings!  No happy thoughts here.

Anger - my existence.  Showing itself now and again, some times controllable, and other times violent and all consuming Rage - stuffed down so deep that I don't even know it is there, but like all close friends, it lurks in the darkness, waiting, ready to come out and play when the need arises and even, at times when it doesn't.

The days before Anger was my one and true friend and constant companion,.  time  so brief that only a few flashes pass by my eyes.  The rest are disguised, buried under the rubble of pain and hate - the reality of my sad, lonely and pathetic fate.

Pain I do own.  Hate is the bone I cannot swallow - the reason I don't wallow in memory, it gets caught in my throat and threatens to choke me.  One day, maybe, I will be free to choose that fate.  I fear that is a MUCH later date.

Struggle with the ability to accept parts of  reality.  Fooling myself not, that one day I will  wake up from this dream and everything will not be as it seems.  Where all is right, sitting by the lake in the sunlight, all is well and there is peace. Time and space has not erase me from the picture.

My heart is always there, even through the tears of reality where I do not belong in the picture. Gone.  Never to be there.  Pain and loss is clear.  Memory too dear to remember, as all the good ones are.  Was I ever there at all?  It is all behind the wall-  tall and deeper than one could believe.  Living beyond the wall is the essence of me.

Happy little soul that struggled and fought to survive,  miracle of life. Hidden and safe! Would the choice had been the same to remain?  Poor little spirit, disillusioned right from the start, never to understand the danger of a loving heart.  The audacity - strong and stupid even then!

 Never going away.  Pain remains-  never being good , strong, smart or right - ignore it I try, it gets more difficult.  Giving, giving, giving - gone.  Disappeared, one small piece at a time - that is life and the essence of being alive. Disposable.

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