I am angry. Surprise, surprise as my mother has been know to say. I don't want to be angry as I have surgery in six days and I want to be as right as rain going into this. Vu ja de X 2 as I head number 1) back to the first surgery spot to get that silly little disc that is poking into my spine removed, 2) the horrible lack of treatment by my primary doctor following the second chance and getting the same results totally down to being told nothing is wrong the first time to being flat out ignored the second time - both times having to go directly to the Surgeon to find out that of course something is wrong. He knows better than I do that when I feel that something is physically wrong - I am usually correct.
I guess my main malfunction today is the fact that I don't resemble a person who has a mangled spine. My mobility is usually good, my flexibility, strength, etc. oh, and I don't wince or grimace or show my pain because why the fuck should I? Should I walk around mean and grouchy and complaining? Should I let the pain I feel on the inside overtake the beauty of a smile that will make you and me feel better or should I scowl and cry and scream? Should I distract myself and dress myself nice so I look better than I feel or should I just let it all go? Should I be a reflection of what I want to be or how I feel inside?
I don't take drugs as a choice in treating my pain. I explained it to my doctor a couple of weeks ago AGAIN, by explaining I used to take a ton of prescribed medicine and I almost died withdrawing from them and do not ever wish to experience that again - that got me labeled as a DRUG ADDICT, PER HER NOTES!
Funny how her notes didn't say she thought it was unethical to prescribe pain medication and against her MORALS. Imagine, a doctor saying it is against her ethics or morals to prescribe pain medication to a patient regardless? It is as laughable as her saying I am fine because she doesn't feel any heat or cold through her hands - do I say to her face that she needs to get her batteries checked, especially when a REAL doctor then determined I needed surgery X 2??!!??
I guess that is why once upon a time after my very first surgery, I had fallen on the ice and was worried that I had damaged my neck again. I went to the Emergency room, not for drugs, I had plenty of those. I told the doctor that when he wanted me to sign a form and call a ride. Boy, they never understand when you don't want drugs and are not there for drugs. I told him I just wanted to make sure I didn't injure my neck due to the fall. Fortunately all was cool with my neck confirmed by an X Ray.
Unbeknownst to me, while he had me waiting in a room, he phoned my doctor at the Pain Clinic where I was treating who told him" If Jennifer Gallant is at the emergency room it is to find out if she is okay and it is not for DRUGS." She told me all about it when I had my next appointment about a week later.
Why am I angry? Why do I not like or trust doctors? Why sometimes do I wish I had died when I was born two and a half months early? SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!
Okay. Pre op screening is over. Surgery in six days. No worries. I have got this....no worries. Mask on, emotions gone. All good...no worries. Resume activity. The show is over and there is nothing to see here, especially if you (evil doctor) don't listen to what I am saying when I finally break down and share my pain, which isn't too often. It took me a year of feeling like I feel now to even acknowledge that I was having a problem, and only after it got exceedingly worse over the course of the past 5 months of which it took 2 months for me to even get acknowledgement of it.
And yeah, I haven't seen this professional for a reason in three years, aside from the fact that I am a relatively healthy and active person is because I lost faith in her after her behavior a few years ago by dismissing my pain, my words and not believing anything but her broken hands - did I mention she is an osteopath? I don't feel she is a professional and this experience has doubly confirmed this. See, I don't trust in what I know until I REALLY know. It is difficult for me to believe that there are people like this out there even when I get the deluxe treatment!!!
I guess my main malfunction today is the fact that I don't resemble a person who has a mangled spine. My mobility is usually good, my flexibility, strength, etc. oh, and I don't wince or grimace or show my pain because why the fuck should I? Should I walk around mean and grouchy and complaining? Should I let the pain I feel on the inside overtake the beauty of a smile that will make you and me feel better or should I scowl and cry and scream? Should I distract myself and dress myself nice so I look better than I feel or should I just let it all go? Should I be a reflection of what I want to be or how I feel inside?
I don't take drugs as a choice in treating my pain. I explained it to my doctor a couple of weeks ago AGAIN, by explaining I used to take a ton of prescribed medicine and I almost died withdrawing from them and do not ever wish to experience that again - that got me labeled as a DRUG ADDICT, PER HER NOTES!
Funny how her notes didn't say she thought it was unethical to prescribe pain medication and against her MORALS. Imagine, a doctor saying it is against her ethics or morals to prescribe pain medication to a patient regardless? It is as laughable as her saying I am fine because she doesn't feel any heat or cold through her hands - do I say to her face that she needs to get her batteries checked, especially when a REAL doctor then determined I needed surgery X 2??!!??
I guess that is why once upon a time after my very first surgery, I had fallen on the ice and was worried that I had damaged my neck again. I went to the Emergency room, not for drugs, I had plenty of those. I told the doctor that when he wanted me to sign a form and call a ride. Boy, they never understand when you don't want drugs and are not there for drugs. I told him I just wanted to make sure I didn't injure my neck due to the fall. Fortunately all was cool with my neck confirmed by an X Ray.
Unbeknownst to me, while he had me waiting in a room, he phoned my doctor at the Pain Clinic where I was treating who told him" If Jennifer Gallant is at the emergency room it is to find out if she is okay and it is not for DRUGS." She told me all about it when I had my next appointment about a week later.
Why am I angry? Why do I not like or trust doctors? Why sometimes do I wish I had died when I was born two and a half months early? SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!
Okay. Pre op screening is over. Surgery in six days. No worries. I have got this....no worries. Mask on, emotions gone. All good...no worries. Resume activity. The show is over and there is nothing to see here, especially if you (evil doctor) don't listen to what I am saying when I finally break down and share my pain, which isn't too often. It took me a year of feeling like I feel now to even acknowledge that I was having a problem, and only after it got exceedingly worse over the course of the past 5 months of which it took 2 months for me to even get acknowledgement of it.
And yeah, I haven't seen this professional for a reason in three years, aside from the fact that I am a relatively healthy and active person is because I lost faith in her after her behavior a few years ago by dismissing my pain, my words and not believing anything but her broken hands - did I mention she is an osteopath? I don't feel she is a professional and this experience has doubly confirmed this. See, I don't trust in what I know until I REALLY know. It is difficult for me to believe that there are people like this out there even when I get the deluxe treatment!!!
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