We are products of our experiences. How true is that? I would say that most people would agree with that statement. Sadly, as the anger of yesterday has sat in my brain all afternoon, evening and now that I have awakened to a new day full of hope and possibility with a feeling a little less than doom, not in the dread category.
The negative voice track of my childhood and teenage years has been playing low in the background. It has planted its tune once more - you don't matter, you are stupid, weak, bad , girl, go away, no one loves you, you don't matter, you are useless, go stand in a corner and cry.
I think back to a week ago, a day ago, when I had hope and was excited and not worried or nervous - just excited, happy and thankful. Eager to be totally prepared and in a groove of moving forward in having everything in house for my recovery from food to Christmas shopping - the whole nine yards. Cuz you never know how you are going to feel after getting a disc removed from your spine.
I don't know much but I do know that surgery takes away one set of symptoms and side effects but gives you new things to deal with, some things get better and some things do get worse. That is life. Trading off one set of experiences for a whole other series of experiences, ya gotta hope that the trade off is worth it.
In my case being able to walk and move normally is what I hope to achieve. I am a walker, have been for 9 years now, which was at the time to lessen my carbon footprint, not exactly my wisest choice considering the challenges that I face even though things are near enough to walk to, especially when walking becomes the problem.
So, now I have to push these horrible, and I do mean horrible feelings aside. They may seem exaggerated to most people. I will tell you, I was writing this and had just finished the third paragraph when my shrink returned my call. I know when I am going off the rails, it doesn't happen often, but when I woke up I knew shit wasn't on the norm, so I made that phone call knowing that I was nearing the land of making irrational bad choices - the one before the phone call happened was "fuck it - just cancel the surgery and curl up and die somewhere." real thought, no shit. No one self destructs quite like me. I have experience. Not recent experience because I have been on a focused and positive course. Blowing up your own life sucks in the aftermath.
When the phone rang, I answered and said hello calmly enough. Next thing I knew, I was unable to speak a word. My whole self was white noise, like static on the television. I tried to speak and nothing came out which made sense and I knew it even before my doc pointed that out. I acknowledged that I knew he couldn't understand by what I said what happened.
The emotions came out before the problem in a stream of curses and tears and swears and tears. The rage and pain from an entire lifetime stuck on the negligence and lack of what I perceive as continued lack of professionalism coated in judgment and meanness and a lack of compassion - that was the white noise.
Another in a long series of people who do not see or care about what I need to be whole ( especially when they are paid to do so) and more deeply, when they are not. The whole invisibility factor in play. In other words, the trauma of my past came back and bit me hard in the ass.
The question then becomes how to not let the white noise cloud the whole picture? How to clear the picture and make the static go away? Time dwindles. I now have 5 days to get my brain in a choose life state of being. I don't want to end up on the wrong side of that white light if the choice comes while I am in the ether.
I do miss those natural defense mechanisms which neatly took shit like this and walled it up. I must be stronger since it doesn't occur naturally and I really have to use serious distraction techniques to get this one out of the front and center.
Fortunately before yesterday afternoon I was in a groove of forward motion. Nothing has changed. I have had a minor meltdown, used my words, shed my deep seated tears. The one consolation is that it is Christmastime and grandchildren, so I have an excuse for the retail therapy which will be a huge tool in aiding my re traumatized brain.
Onward and Upward
Peace and Positivity
The negative voice track of my childhood and teenage years has been playing low in the background. It has planted its tune once more - you don't matter, you are stupid, weak, bad , girl, go away, no one loves you, you don't matter, you are useless, go stand in a corner and cry.
I think back to a week ago, a day ago, when I had hope and was excited and not worried or nervous - just excited, happy and thankful. Eager to be totally prepared and in a groove of moving forward in having everything in house for my recovery from food to Christmas shopping - the whole nine yards. Cuz you never know how you are going to feel after getting a disc removed from your spine.
I don't know much but I do know that surgery takes away one set of symptoms and side effects but gives you new things to deal with, some things get better and some things do get worse. That is life. Trading off one set of experiences for a whole other series of experiences, ya gotta hope that the trade off is worth it.
In my case being able to walk and move normally is what I hope to achieve. I am a walker, have been for 9 years now, which was at the time to lessen my carbon footprint, not exactly my wisest choice considering the challenges that I face even though things are near enough to walk to, especially when walking becomes the problem.
So, now I have to push these horrible, and I do mean horrible feelings aside. They may seem exaggerated to most people. I will tell you, I was writing this and had just finished the third paragraph when my shrink returned my call. I know when I am going off the rails, it doesn't happen often, but when I woke up I knew shit wasn't on the norm, so I made that phone call knowing that I was nearing the land of making irrational bad choices - the one before the phone call happened was "fuck it - just cancel the surgery and curl up and die somewhere." real thought, no shit. No one self destructs quite like me. I have experience. Not recent experience because I have been on a focused and positive course. Blowing up your own life sucks in the aftermath.
When the phone rang, I answered and said hello calmly enough. Next thing I knew, I was unable to speak a word. My whole self was white noise, like static on the television. I tried to speak and nothing came out which made sense and I knew it even before my doc pointed that out. I acknowledged that I knew he couldn't understand by what I said what happened.
The emotions came out before the problem in a stream of curses and tears and swears and tears. The rage and pain from an entire lifetime stuck on the negligence and lack of what I perceive as continued lack of professionalism coated in judgment and meanness and a lack of compassion - that was the white noise.
Another in a long series of people who do not see or care about what I need to be whole ( especially when they are paid to do so) and more deeply, when they are not. The whole invisibility factor in play. In other words, the trauma of my past came back and bit me hard in the ass.
The question then becomes how to not let the white noise cloud the whole picture? How to clear the picture and make the static go away? Time dwindles. I now have 5 days to get my brain in a choose life state of being. I don't want to end up on the wrong side of that white light if the choice comes while I am in the ether.
I do miss those natural defense mechanisms which neatly took shit like this and walled it up. I must be stronger since it doesn't occur naturally and I really have to use serious distraction techniques to get this one out of the front and center.
Fortunately before yesterday afternoon I was in a groove of forward motion. Nothing has changed. I have had a minor meltdown, used my words, shed my deep seated tears. The one consolation is that it is Christmastime and grandchildren, so I have an excuse for the retail therapy which will be a huge tool in aiding my re traumatized brain.
Onward and Upward
Peace and Positivity
No comments:
Post a Comment