What is this nonsense?, I wondered as I lay wide awake n the early morning sunlight. I lay in bed thinking about the course of the past month and down that slippery slope of years gone past. Where, when, how? Experiences and happenings of the past eleven years, scanning back 15 even 20 years to see where the original glitch blipped in and past without a flicker of recognition. Or, was it on the radar and fell off when more serious and life threatening in their own way, non medical survival, pushing the medical thing onto the very back burner and then ignored, explained away, a concern no longer a concern, just melted away back into the wonderful machine of my body?
My thoughts race to the next month ahead. How? What? Who? What? Single word questions which go deeper in my thoughts flicker back into the yesterday. A day of days. Ordinary by the past months standards, but not ordinary for me on the regular. My second opinion appointment. My first opinion appointment led to questions and tests and the need for fresh eyes or someone to tell me what all of the tests and things equaled with the assurance that we don't want to step on the toes of this other doctor in case their plan is more than the first opinion guy.
It got weird firstly when I was asked repeatedly if I would like them to call someone. I didn't have ghostbusters on speed dial so the question became Who you gonna call? The answer - no one. Who would I call and more importantly why do I need to call someone? Why do I need to call someone? There is nothing you can tell me from the results of any of the massive tests and blood works that are going to be conclusive enough for me to panic any of my loved ones. I had been leaving them with minimal info, as I only had minimal information until I had diagnosis and game plan and we were only on that unless someone isn't telling me something.
The fact that Oncology was in this doctors title didn't really bother me, the first opinion guy and the second opinion gals office made light of it, saying it was a part of what she does. She in person again, asking if I had someone to call, and me again like no, why? even with, you know you are in a Oncology office, yeah, in my head that part was nicely glossed over, but my question was, did any of those tests say I have cancer? of course I knew that none did. They didn't take samples and without a biopsy you are just speculating. So of course, the answer was NO. So then why are you trying to scare the living shit out of me??? (Unasked)
So then I begin to question myself. No, I walk alone, no I do not have a girlfriend to discuss girl issues with, no partner to discuss life issues with, no, no and no. I have adult children, male adult children and a elderly father and a brother. My female relatives are in the ether. My mother doesn't even answer the phone on Mothers Day or the door for homemade chicken soup. The last time I was around her she was in the hospital out of it and didn't even know I was there, something I would not have dared do if she wasn't unconscious.
Two hours after walking in, or was it longer?, pre-op surgery blood work drawn in a lab downstairs, a walk to the car, gps on and back on the road. If I ever needed a back road ride it was then and there. The GPS had different ideas and kept trying to get me on the Pike. I defied it's order to take exit 11 and took the next exit to Lower Westfield Road to connect to my now familiar mostly without GPS (sortof) enough that even when I accidentally took a scenic route through the small town with 150 residents, I didn't panic, I just thought, wow, this town has little but they have some really nice houses and intersected at a familiar spot on the road I normally take.
(I chuckle at the use of the word normally in the above paragraph, normally I am in my small city, on my little street in my apartment. There is some irony in that word. )
So, again I return back to my question...what am I doing up? Too many of these recent days have been up with the sun days. Is there a thread of a whisper in my head saying hurry, hurry, time is short, hurry, hurry, time is short and I just don't hear it yet. Did I hear it in that dream? Was that premonition a foreshadowing? Is it better to be safe than sorry? Do I need to hurry? how short is time?
Questions, and more questions. Of course I have no clue, as do any of you. I know that there isn't time to do all that I would hope to do in case this goes tits up on me. For right now in the moment there is time for me to purge these thoughts and think about the decisions I need to make in the now like who the hell is going to drive me home from the hospital? Why change what has so obviously worked so well for me in the past? (Sarcasm) So, for now I think I write, I make a tea, I pull up a chair in the sun and enjoy the beautiful morning. It seems so much nicer than feeding the demon that feeds on the fear of the unknown. That is about the best for a silver lining that I can do for now. Tea is ready and I am as ready as I can be for that tea.
Blessings on your day
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