Beatrix looked back over the journal entry of the previous day. Anyone reading her words would think she hated her father, which was so far from reality. It's what she didn't write down that was so frustrating and connected more dots than she would have liked.
She was angry, wasn't she always? Beatrix got accused of being angry even when she wasn't which led to actual anger when she tried to defend the fact that she wasn't angry to begin with. Was she just a toy to be played with? Sometimes I wonder, she thought.
One thing from the previous conversation that stood out in her head was her dear old Dad telling her " I never said that". Was the lack of comprehension in her head? Words are not the only way we express ourselves. Body language, actions, lack of actions....they all factor in.
The daily phone calls had gotten rough over the past few years. It was fine if he called and wanted to chat. She spent over an hour a day on those days listening to things that really didn't interest her...sports mostly, but listened with a yup, and an oh yeah here and there.
When she called him, he would listen, if he answered his phone at all. Some people should just stick to a landline. His inability to answer his phone all but drove her crazy and those times when he finally finds his phone log and all those missed calls and doesn't notice they were over a period of weeks are not pointing out his inability to use a simple phone, rather an indication of a nagging daughter.
She could see his eyes glaze over through his voice, distant in the phone as she checked to make sure he had everything he needed or to tell him about the covid numbers or covid safety trying to feel out if he was actually protecting himself.
Beatrix thought about all the hours in therapy trying to work out new ways to communicate which would not set him off. The two years she had literally bitten her tongue when he said outlandish things so he wouldn't misconstrue her response. ..
The words cutting like a knife through her heart..."are we friends or enemies." Daughter I am, daughter I have always been and daughter I will always be. Sometimes I feel like his answer would be different than mine.
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