Sunday, April 26, 2015


I have had an interesting ten days.  They have been filled with sudden and unexpected changes.  The events which occurred were brought on by someone else regarding their perceptions which differed from my perceptions ~ still they were drastic and life shattering.

I entered a numb state of being.  My whole self went cold.  My mind would not stop racing and everything was jumbled together.  I felt once again invisible to the world and myself.  At night when I went to bed I could not sleep for all the noise in my head as I scanned my brain for some insight.

I was alone, so the house was quiet.  For three days I could not eat, sleep or concentrate at all.  I showered and dressed going through the motions, often spending time sitting on the floor of the tub with water running over me as I tried to feel something other than numbness.

You just never know what a day will bring.  The result of these changes made me look inside myself, deep inside myself.  Not that I hadn't been doing that already for a couple of weeks after getting slight tremors that something was not right and being accused of certain behaviors which left me puzzled, quiet and having full blown panic attacks in public for little or no reason.

The good little people pleaser that I am, apologized for the (imaginary) transgression with no avail. Then I became a bug under a microscope scanning my life experiences over the past couple of months and fearing speaking as I was not only under my own microscope, but someone else's as well.

After three days of living in a zombie state, my son came home,  so I had to force myself to eat again. I am not sure how long I would have continued the abuse to myself.  The next day I tried to pull myself up by the bootstraps and live normally embrace my life once again, at least come back to the land of the living.

More insight came to me via email and conversations.  I tried to process it.  It was contradictory ~ the written words and the spoken words.  I tried not to focus on that, still seeking understanding, but it made life more confusing and depressing.

Still and all I made a choice to learn how to fit back into my life once again, since I had seemingly been living someone else's life.  It was a nice life, but so is my own.  Sure there are things I miss , I would be a liar if I did not acknowledge the loss I am feeling.

Fortunately, it was April Vacation and my Grand daughter called to come see her Gramma.  I was delighted with the distraction, and my little Monkey Girl really knows how to keep me busy and cheer me up, although I don't think she realized I was unhappy.

We spent time doing those fun things we do.  I decided to teach her how to make some yeast dough.  As we sifted the flour ahead of time we chatted and laughed.  She tastes everything and made me laugh when she was eating flour and telling me it was good (of course it was better with some raw sugar mixed in).  She was an excellent helper as always and soon our dough was covered and ready to rise.

We played Restaurant with her Kitchen that I got her for Christmas.  I am so glad she is using it, despite the one Santa getting her at home being more grown up than the one I got.  I love her imagination and creativity!

Thomas came home after spending the afternoon at his brohers and we made some Fried Dough (like at the Carnival).  Tom and Ainsley had fun pinching, turning and  shaping their dough while the oil heated up and I got all the toppings out for our treat.

The three of us settled down to watch television and Thomas fell asleep before either of us which is funny since he is the one who is usually up all night.  I am not sure if Ains fell asleep before I did or what.  All I know is when Thomas got up at midnight (and woke me up) she was asleep, having fallen asleep with her head on Uncle Thomas's shoulder.

As usual when Ainsley is in the house, Tom and I watched some television downstairs after that and I stayed up way too late.  I noticed Ainsley has learned some patience in the morning as well.  She woke up quiet as a mouse and I handed her the television controller in my sleep so she could put cartoons on.  An hour or so later when I officially opened my eyes for the day, her head was resting on the pillow and she was watching me sleep.  The smile that greeted me was magical and beautiful reminded me what life is all about.

I am no closer to understanding, but I am closer to myself.  I do not know what today will bring, tomorrow either.  I am happy that I got to experience the happiness and connection which I am now at a loss for, but realize that I still am not ready for the level of intimacy which I at first resisted, then fully embraced with every fiber of my being ~ which was too much apparently.  I know the emptiness is overwhelming.

I also know it is my job to make my life what I want it to be and not contingent upon another person. I am sure in time I will find my happy and content place once again.  Until that time I will smile, but I may not shine. It is once more under my control, this much I accept and know.

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