I found this today and feel it is appropriate because for one it sums me up. Every fucking word of it including the "fucks".
As I said in a previous post, I am trying to shift my perspective as a person who has lived and stored bad memories of my hometown for many years. I thankfully had peaceful country and woods to explore on my own when I alienated/felt alienated; alone and totally cool with all of that.
You see, my favorite thing in the world is the world. I walk out my door and instead of looking at the dirt and grime and ugly and sometimes disgusting; I focus on the sun, the birds, the flowers. I love the people who are walking their dogs who don't mind me stealing pets to replace my faithful companion. I accept the looks from people who don't respond to my hello's when I walk down the road of life and gratefully stop and chat with those who do. It restores my faith in mankind. Common courtesy.
Those who know me know this about me. I recently freaked out a young man in a wheelchair whom I didn't know by asking him why he doesn't say hello when I say hello to him. He responded by saying that he didn't know me, so I introduced myself and now he says hello!
I believe that we are all strangers until we acknowledge and know one another. I for one believe in talking to strangers. I have met a lot of really nice people that way. It is funny since I am an introverted extrovert. True to form I am a walking contradiction.
A stranger whom I approached due to a curiosity about a presentation which he had done at the Museum asked me, after I read his blog/story what kind of person would be interested in the work he is creating, (which is marvelous and I look forward everyday for the entries) it is due to that question - what kind of person am I? ( My answer to him was "hmm, that is going to take a minute - I am a complex individual".
Which is true.) That is what began my exploration into me and this blog.
It got me to thinking. I perceive myself one way. Someone else sees me differently. I know the things I have done, raising kids, working, recovering from accidents. I don't really know the answer to that. My new friend Dianne - at that same presentation described me as one of the most exotic women she knows, ohh la la, I love it! Did I mention I wasn't even aware that I was going to be in her presentation!!!
In answer to that question I guess I am in discovery of who I am. I am an ever evolving person who is in transition, metamorphosis. I do know that no matter how challenging life got as a single mom raising three boys, that I never compromised my self. I made some bad choices at times. I only regret not taking college prep in order to piss off my mother. I regret discarding my intelligence and not pursuing things when I was younger. As my boys leave home, two out of three, I have to re-adjust. It is difficult. I feel the loss. They think I am silly. I have been a responsible, dedicated hardworking Mother for over twenty seven years.
I do have dreams and hopes and plans. I do hope that what I planned on doing when the kids were grown happens. I always wanted to live. To me it was never to be here. My journey begins on the road destination unknown. The world is so large and there is much I want to see and do!
One of the things that I have been working on is not being a recluse. I am a person who knows a million people but who no one knows. I am overcoming my fears in a place that I fear and loathe. I am trying. I look forward to the future. I am thankful and grateful to the people who are on my journey WITH me!
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