Monday, November 3, 2014


Sunday was quite interesting for me, as I sat at the Whitney Center of the Arts prior to the performance and looked around I saw faces from days or shall I say lives gone past, as I, in  my mind consider each transition of my life a new chapter as one stage passes to another, or another life as it were.

I personally have transitioned more times than I care to recall, sometimes passing from one lovely experience or time period into another without passing go and collecting 200, instead passing through a shit storm of  horror and yes I will say drama (usually not mine), although it is usually directed at me.

If you have read my writings and my shared personal experiences you might realize that I do all that I can do to avoid conflict and drama.  I have lived through my share of it.  What you may not realize is that each traumatic and dramatic experience causes me to erase all experiences good or bad from those times.

As I looked around behind me and I recognized a face from my past with whom I spent some great times volunteering at my children's elementary school long ago, but I could not place a name to the face without asking it felt good to remember the good times without a hint of memory of the drama which made me erase those memories at all it felt good.

Looking in front of me and recognizing the owner and cook of a Restaurant I used to eat at weekly with my Mother and my Stepfather and my eldest son and then my middle son on the weekends and before work ~ recognizing and being recognized ~ a good feeling came over me again, and once more without any of those bad memories (not related to the person just during that time period) I once again felt good.

Looking to my left I saw a good man who believes that I have skill and talent enough to write reviews for performances at the Whit ~ something which I am totally enjoying and it makes me feel good as well.

Looking at the man seated to my right I find love like I have never experienced before in my life and which I know will not be drama filled.  Instead my life is full of mutual consideration, respect and understanding.  Any conflict resolved with communication and understanding and not anger, turmoil and abandonment.

Waking up this morning I was reminded indirectly that while I judge myself too harshly at times and take responsibility for the actions and guilt of others, I am remembered by many as a good person. That in itself makes me feel good as well.

I have been working very hard over the past 15 years or so to get to my core self ~ the person who lives and loves and has a great outlook despite the obstacles which I have personally created for myself, alone and with the help of others and I realized as I woke up that I have come a long way and I am thankful and grateful for that.

Normally I wouldn't even recognize this in myself but for some reason I am on this day.  I seem to have taken off the blinders which keep me from seeing myself clearly, as others do and it makes me feel good.  I feel like I have entered a new chapter in my life.  I recognize the growth and progress which I have worked so very hard to attain.

Some people may not understand or accept this stage of my life.  One or more of my children and maybe a few friends may think I am making a mistake yet again and look for me to fail without justification or compassion, but that is not my cross to carry it is theirs and theirs alone.  I will not judge as I am being judged,

I will and am sure that someday they will realize that I have changed and am able to make good choices (something that I wasn't able to do at times throughout their lives.)  I understand the fear that they possess with love and compassion and know they do this out of love for me.

As I continue to grow and strip those layers that have covered my self and uncover my true self it is a great time for me.  I am learning each day a new and wonderful facet of myself, gaining more confidence and strength and it is good!

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