Friday, November 20, 2015


The confusion is an illusion which protects me from actually seeing
I would rather believe there is something wrong with me than to accept the truth
Over the years, it appears that it is what I choose to do in order to be around you
Until the time that you leave, singing a song, smoking a bong and doing whatever you choose to do
You don't seem to have a clue, even when it is told to you

How can you expect love unconditionally when you don't deserve any at all
This treatment makes me small and weak and whenever I speak I seem to repeat
The same old thing over and over again to you - still without a clue - it really makes me blue
What is a girl to do?

When I choose to close myself off to you once more, you knock upon my door, but not because
of me and not because you see, but because you think it is what you should do when your friends are done with you.  Your reasons are your own, most I don't condone, which seems funny to me, parent you are supposed to be.  I am not a toy and I do not enjoy being put upon a shelf while you think only of yourself

When I was a little girl I used to make excuses when people called you useless
Off on your tangent, living on another planet.  Coming into town acting like a clown, really proud of what you have done - what have you done?  Abandoned a daughter and a son - so many years ago, where do you think the pain and anger go?

Happy as we are to see you - because a part of us still needs you and really want to believe that you are not about to hurt and deceive.  One of us learns and the other wont,  One  hopes and one won't.  I wish I could learn to  dare not to love you so, let you go like you have to me so many times just so you could see how it feels when your heart bleeds true pain.

It is not that I blame you.  You are great, you are cool you are famous in your mind, which has been lost for a long time .  No one has the courage to tell you so.  Indeed you do know and are proud to wear the Crown of Krazy.

Loving unconditionally, isn't that what you taught me, so many years ago, when your heart held a place for me?  I listen to your words and I hear empty hollow sounds.  I no longer care about how you feel.  It breaks my heart to say that, lying to myself, as you once more put me on that shelf

Now I listen to my child, grown himself, who could never understand how I feel, not having lived the deal.  He was lucky to have two parents who have always been glad to love him so, even though our love did grow apart.  Protected and never having to know how it feels to be rejected and misled, fucked with in the head.

All he sees is his Mom wanting to be mean, kids see what they want to see, part of him is right, a small part of me would delight in you feeling even one millionth of the pain which repeats itself over and over again each and every time you decide that I am someone you need to be around.

No matter what I do I am screwed.  Love me, hate me, whatever the case I am they only one who knows how it feels, and how real this hurt inside, which just won't die, no matter how many times I try to stuff it deep inside.  I have over and over again tried to pretend it doesn't matter when each time my heart shatters into a million tiny shards.  Life can be so hard.

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