Tuesday, August 5, 2014


It has been such a long while since I have sat down and just written what is up and how I am doing aside from my fun experiences which have been plentiful as it is the season.

 Between seeing Opera and One Lady Performances and                                                                              ArtWalk I have been also doing some road trips
exploring tag sales, the country up North of New Ashford where I used to live.

I took a ride up to Mt. Greylock last week with a friend of mine.  We stopped in the Visitor's Center before making the climb up the mountain (in a car).  I haven't been up the Mountain since 2008 when we lived at the base of the old Fire Road ~ what we like to think of as our private road since it came out around the corner from our hacienda.

It was chilly on the mountain but that did not stop us from getting out and walking over to the far side of the tower and looking below at the town so small below us and the mountains in front of us rolling out like an ocean.

We sat in the old Shelter, built in the early 1940's with a stove and some benches.  We took the liberty of opening one of the windows and a bunny hopped into view, undisturbed by our conversation as we watched it.

When we left we went down the opposite side (also an old regular ritual ~ once upon a time in life which seems so far from where I am now!) coming out in Williamstown, not quite where I thought we were going to come out since what was once familiar is sadly not so now.

I am waiting for my son to come home from his brothers.  He has been gone since Friday evening and I have had a nice break from him but I really could use his company today, and he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so he has no choice but to come home.

My life has been full of a little more than my regular activities of theatre and art.  I have been twice now to Springfield to first see my Neurosurgeon Friday before last.  It was great to see him.  I give him all of the credit for helping me live a more mobile and less painful life than I had due to the surgery he performed all of those years ago.  I was pleased that he remembered me as well.

I have been boycotting medical attention since 2008 until recently due to my aversion to Doctors since coming back "home" to Pittsfield where I have had my share of not so good interactions with doctors since they label everyone as drug seekers (which I am not).

It makes me angry to be lumped into a category, especially that one, since I have chronic pain and do not take meds and since I am not disfigured and make the best of my condition I have on more than one occasion been told that I am faking.

Dr. Kaye is a true doctor who still wants to treat people and heal people, a requirement I place high on the list when I am seeking medical attention.  It offends me when a doctor is not doing what he signed up for, which in my book is to heal.

I am hoping he will be able to figure out what is causing my problems that I have been going through with more than a bandaid.  I am more a fan of fixing a problem than of covering up a problem.  I obeyed the Pain Clinic when I got hurt and did their "Drug Regime".  Never again!  Bandaids do not work they just make a bunch of people reliant on medications.

No more Pain Clinic for me, if you recall, I finally broke down and got a Primary Physician ~ an Osteopath whom I love and she was very thorough with the lab work and going over the results.  I just don't understand the hands on thing but I like her as a person.

It wasn't until I got down to see my doctor in Springfield that we discovered that the MRI was only of my neck ~ odd since I was having problem walking ~ no big deal right? Wrong ~ now I have to get dye injected in my spine and get some x rays and cat scan!

Joy of joys!!! Inside I was trying very hard not to get mad, upset or emotional when I found out that I needed this invasive test.  On the one hand ~ it will show more than an MRI, on the other hand ~ what is wrong with ordering the proper test the first time?

I am also a fan of doing the job right the first time.  Being transportation challenged it wasn't until the night before that I definitely had a ride the 45 miles away that the bus only goes to once a day and too late for me to arrive on time and the train goes later in the afternoon!  

To say it is easy to handle this one obstacle alone is a lie.  To find out I have to go back for a more extensive test is less of an obstacle to my head, but an obstacle nonetheless, but I tried not to think about it.  That is until she called back on Monday for me to get it done two days later. (Which was impossible!!!)

I bought an extra week to allow for me to arrange a ride.  No problem!  Yesterday was the day before this big appointment.  I worked myself up sufficiently by the end of the weekend to be very nervous.  On Monday when the Doctor's office phoned to confirm the appointment I found out that I wasn't getting the test but having a consult first!

Are you kidding me!  Of course not ~ so that in my mind meant at least two more additional trips ~ maybe three.  OMG find me a high building to jump off of now (I thought to myself)!  Still no confirmed ride to speak of ~ a couple of "I'll do it if no one else can" and a "Mom, why don't you just get this done here, you know you don't have a car don't you?"

Kids!!!  I withheld my nasty remarks back I could have made and tried to explain my desire to go to a doctor that wants to heal a person, and sometimes you have to travel for that, which fell on not too compassionate ears and asked to speak to my other son.

So today I got up early to be ready for my 7 a.m. departure.  After three sleepless nights I was exhausted but managed to be up before the alarm by a whole hour!  Somehow we managed to arrive a whole hour early which was strange since we stopped twice and only drove the speed limit!

Another intake, another exam and "Monday ~ I want to do the test Monday ~ you have to be here at 6:30 a.m..  Then I need to see you Thursday to go over the test."  (That is to give me the time to lay flat on my back for 24+ hours so I don't get the headache from the spinal)

The thoughts that went through my brain were not very positive and the first thing I thought was how in the hell am I going to manage this one?  It overwhelmed me for the walk out of the hospital, the car ride home, lunch at Guidos, the two hours I spent with my friend who drove me (who was freaked out by my being freaked out), through the tending of my garden, the walk I took to clear my head, the visit with my girlfriend and an extensive conversation with another friend who hates the telephone.  Like I said, I am glad my son is coming home so I don't have to lose my mind alone!

Phew!  Will this madness ever end???  Probably not!  It will just change, as life does!  I will find a ride for the procedure, I will find a ride for the follow up and I will handle whatever comes as a result.  I know I will because I have no choice and I do what I have to do and this is a priority!

Until then I will do my best to trust in ?????, stay positive and not have a nervous breakdown!  Easier said than done indeed!  I do feel better now that I got this out and down on paper and my son just arrived so I get to put on my Mom hat and stop being so darn self absorbed!

Thanks for tolerating this crazy banter ~ I am sure things will work out as they are intended to work out and all will be well in the end and after a good nights sleep I will be less bothered and ready to figure out the solution to this latest task at hand, although, I would not mind some positive energy being sent my way to help me rebound from my depletion of resources!   

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