Thursday, June 18, 2015


 I sit in the mind numbing realization that I made a left turn when I should have made a right turn.  The good news is that it forced someone else to face the reality of the choices they made.  The bad news is I have to live through the acceptance of something I already accepted but which will hurt me all over again despite already having done so.

It seems to be a recurring theme in a strange way, accepting the feelings of others which are contrary to how I feel but my feelings don't matter.  Which in the even larger picture is the over all story of my life, which for a long time I accepted unknowingly.

Now that I am, aware of it, I strive to live my life caring about myself enough to matter to at least one person, even if that one person is me and me alone.  You see, I have stood alone most of the time.  Or thought I did.

What I did not realize at the time was, and I have been silently observing this more apparently over the past two months, while experiencing this alienation from life as I know it, which was forced upon me, were the seemingly random encounters I was having on a daily and in some instances 2 or three an hour; depending on my level of emotional distress.

I do not mean apparent levels of distress. I was not walking around pulling out my hair, ranting and raving.  As a matter of fact the opposite was true.  I became involved in Garden Projects, River Clean Up, set up my schedule for volunteering.  In other words I picked up where I left off, got busy, kept distracted with positive things.

I did mourn for a period and stop eating and go over and over in my mind the whys and hows in my shock and disbelief for both of these examples of mind numbing realizations.  I got angry and then I moved on, doing the least amount of damage to myself as possible.

But the random people and encounters are the amazing and important part.  All of the sudden people from various stages of my life came forward, some of whom I have not seen in 30 years, to remind me of my strengths, goodness and value.

Just today, after the bomb fell on my life again, between walking errands and driving errands I was walking for the purpose of straightening out my back which popped out.  An old childhood friend who was always amazed and impressed when we were children in Lanesboro, how I could make myself burp and talk and burp.

I was surrounded by boys and had a brother as well, so this was not an un common thing for me to be able to do.  Up until a couple of years ago he was still asking me if I could do it, and I am sad to say, I cannot.

Any way, I sat down on the Bench and Ernie the Hot Dog guy was talking to the Attorney.  We began to talk and over the course of the conversation, he knowing my entire family I am sure, told me that my Mom was the same, my Dad was the same but I was different.

I pressed him to explain what he meant.  How, how am I different?  I asked him.  He told me, you used to be quiet and sad, now you talk and you are happy.  I thanked him and he reminded me we are friends.  We have known each other for probably over 40 years.

Tears filled my eyes as I got up to go.  As I walked away Ernie called to me.  I turned around and walked toward him, I could see the concern in his face as he noticed the tears.  Polite enough not to ask, I offered no explanation.  I just hugged him and assured him I would be back up town for the Festivities later.

I walked home in a zone I am not unfamiliar with.  When I got to the Common I dropped down to the ground on a patch of grass and just absorbed the energy of the world around me, but separate from the world around me.

I choose to be influenced by the love, peace and happiness of my zone, regardless of the outer foreign energy which is choosing to try to penetrate my zone.  Feel free and please do consider sending a good thought of healing energy my way.

jmg aka gclawdia

1 comment:

  1. I know that I keep repeating myself, but I am amazed at how marvelous you are with the written word. Could never do it myself, but love reading what you write. Never hide your light under a basket . Love you kiddo.