Family

I am taking a moment from my family dinner preparation to stop and take a breath!  I have been so busy getting ready.  Dessert is baked, awaiting cooling almost ready to frost.  I went with chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting.  A favorite of mine.  First floor is complete other than decorating the dining room.  I am very happy with the progress I have made!

The hardest thing left to do I think is peeling the butternut squash, I think I have it under control though, I am becoming a professional peeler this week!  (Patting myself on the back).

Can I say, the hardest thing would have been the squash, had I not slid a stack of crystal off of the refrigerator as I went for a platter to put the cupcakes on, then I had the challenge of cleaning up a stack of broken crystal serving bowls and candy dishes!  Forgot what an awesome sound crystal shattering makes!  And what a lovely mess!    Not going to ruin my day!  It is ironic though that I lovingly packed and moved this stuff which I had purchased in the early 1980's about 20 times and never a mishap!  Oh well, such is life!

It is the day after my family gathering.  I am so happy.  Tired, but happy.  Happy is not a normal emotion for my "self".  I have been working on it for a while now, changing that.  I began in 1999 removing all negative influences on my life.  It is difficult yet necessary.  Of course I know how to put on that "fake" self and smile and be gracious.  Not believing in being a hypocrite I hate fake, so I have been working on the authentic "self", that, and removing that negative self talk.  Usually it is an uphill battle and I am aware when I am losing it, I become a hater!

There is no hate stemming from this most positive evening.  I think that I am not the only person in my family who needed this last evening.  Not naming names.  I also think it flooded memories, good and bad for all of us!  Looking at pictures of our life when the kids were growing up.  Memories....

I am proud of my son and his family!  I love, love, love them and I hope that it helped my eldest son to remember life was not always bad!  Watching my children with my granddaughter, my son with his wife and daughter makes my heart swell!  Hearing the laughter of  my family makes tears come to my eyes as I type this, not of sadness, but of emotions long forgotten and ones which I am unable to name.  Having my granddaughter give me a hug and tell me that she wants to come back tomorrow is priceless!

I have raised three individual, strong and I think mostly happy children.  I will always worry about them.  I know, even if they don't see.  They are all unique and express themselves differently.  I had forgotten, not being around my eldest son everyday, or even enough at all over these ten years that he has been living on his own, and me not being his support, how he operates.  I used to think he hated me.  I remember countless times having conversations with my mother after he was seemingly rude and hurtful, and her reassuring me that it is how he expresses love in jibes and snips.  It makes me sad to see him go blank when he faces memories of our family.  Things he doesn't want to acknowledge.  My Beaner, never wanting to share things for fear he will upset or hurt me, usually making simple problems huger by ignoring and maybe they will go away or fix themselves!  Good to see his wife understands and accepts him just as he is!  I love Lisa!  I could not have a better daughter in law!

I love my family!