Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Projects and Progress

I am sitting enjoying the sunshine warming me through my window.  Now that I have successfully moved my computer into the computer room and not next to my bed where it is so uncomfortable to use and type I am happy.

I made a huge error the other day in my last blog post.  Although I spell checked and read and re read a huge error got by.  I apologize for that.

My Dad did not break my neck, although my neck is messed up from car accidents and now life.  My Dad was in a car that went through a green light while someone else decided to go through a red light.  Fortunately he was asleep in the back seat and his long hippie hair saved him by protecting him from all the glass which broke upon impact.  I was a child when this happened.  I also lived next to the hospital he was in and although we were not allowed to see our Dad, per our Mom's orders,  my grandparents did bring us up to visit once, my best friend Sherman, my baby brother and I frequently wandered around Pittsfield General Hospital to locate him.  The one time we found him there we had a box of kittens with us to show him Slinkey's latest litter.  She was always having kittens.  She was a great cat!

Don't ask me why three young children under the ages of 8 were not questioned, stopped or thrown out is still a mystery to me.  Some of my greatest achievements have been in "locating" my missing Dad with very few clues.  It may have had something to do with the fact that many of my grandmother's sisters and cousins were nurses there, I am grateful regardless!  We roamed that hospital even before my Dad was in, frequently looking for change in the vending machines in the scary basement which now sports the cafeteria I do believe.

I am taking this time to slow down, breath and just write.  Since I do not have any plan for my blog and I seem to be contemplating the next big direction in this directionless exploration.  I think that the last two shares took more out of me than I realized.  I am a very private person.  I have difficulty sharing truths with myself, let alone random strangers.  If you don't think or acknowledge things then they are not there?  Something like that.  It took me eight years to get comfortable with my counselor just to be able to work on the real stuff.  Then she left and I was stuck with no one to work on the good stuff with, so I shelved it.  Not having anyone to trust with my self.

I am learning that you can only handle what you can handle and when you are very young and hit overload you learn all kinds of things to hide the scary, bad and negative factors.  I sometimes wonder how I survived at all!  I know how.  Those walls.  Those walls held and hid those demons which came and took the color out of my world and my voice out of my self.  Some tricks take longer to unlearn.  As I am on a forward mission it seems to be time for some of these things to loosen their grip and for me to free myself.

As I am getting older and stronger I am tired of having huge holes where memories used to be.  Although it is strange to have memories pop back into my brain.  It is weird not being able to make a timeline like most other people.  That is why I have difficulty remembering things that other people remember with ease.  It is kind of embarrassing in reality.

So please bear with me.  I am a ongoing project.  I have been my whole life.  The only difference this time is that I have my voice and while I recently almost let the same person who muted that voice regain that power again, and more recently than that accepted the reality and truth in that relationship and no longer am giving power to that person.  Instead it is my goal to empower myself!

Thank for your interest and I hope it holds your interest!

No comments:

Post a Comment