Life is a journey. My journey seems to be up and down. On the one hand I succeed at being more productive and less disorganized. I find joy in what I do accomplish . I count my successes. On the other hand I feel that I have been isolating myself more and more.
That is one of my defense mechanisms, isolating, internalizing. I have been working hard at being more outgoing. Then I have to work on being less trusting. It is very confusing! Very trying and draining. It is easier to isolate and internalize since I attract life draining people - takers and users.
I am so happy to have a close knit circle of family. When I get overwhelmed by the audacity of people in the world and what passes as values and acceptable behavior it makes me rationalize my isolation. I am thankful for my sons and my Dad.
I wish my brother was closer so that our children could know each other more. I miss my brother most out of growing up and our lives moving in different directions. I would have loved to see my little nephew grow up into the adolescent he is today. Before I know it he will graduating High School, off to college and gone! I hope the memories he has of me are enough to be long lasting.
Recently I was looking at photos of my children when they were younger and growing up. The smiles on their faces! This evidence of happiness cannot be denied. Yet I have a child who thinks he has never lived a happy moment in his life. He is my middle son. Middle children seem to have these different beliefs. He also believes he is adopted, I reassure him that they would never let me, as a single parent adopt a child. He is so funny because he is not funny at all!
As the season changes into this new rainy fall season (I prefer my rain season in the SPRING thank you very much) I am a little melancholy. I seem to be drifting into negativism over the past week. I feel a bit unsettled. I know part of what it is because of. A friend who seems to be not a friend and the disappointment in that. Mad at myself for being mad at someone who is not worthy whom I thought was. I am tired. Tired and bored and unsure of what to do to straighten out the important things in my life. Tired of having to accept life as it is. Tired of not knowing what the future is going to bring.
I have been optimistic as we line up in the center of the milky way. I finally obtained the information that I need in the form of a book. I am on the re read. It is called The Mystery of 2012 Predictions, Prophecies and Possibilities. A friend of mine let me borrow it as his friend wrote in it. He did not expect me to read it once, let alone twice. I read it so much I bought him a new copy.
I am a science person. I love the facts and the information. I love the physics, and I never took it! I feel like I have found one of the most important books I have ever read in my life. I feel equipped. I don't believe that the world is going to end on the day after my birthday. Although if I am wrong I will be disappointed that I did not make it to stage three of my life, the living for me part!
I know that last part sounded selfish. Believe me if you lived my life you would not think so. I have been a caregiver and taker carer of and listener and doer for everyone and of everything for always! I took care of my brother, my family, my children, my exes business, his dogs, his house, my house, my children oh did I say my children, my children's dog, my children's fathers, every man I have ever been with most of my friends and a few strangers. I only have one or two recent friends who do not expect anything from me except to be me. They don't want anything from me except my friendship. They give to me and fill my cup so to speak. It is a struggle for me to accept from them. It is odd. It is not normal for me to be given anything for nothing. I am learning to accept and say thank you instead of protesting.
Yet that negative self talk still creeps in....