Memories

One of the most important things in my life is family.  When I was a little girl my Mom, Dad, and brother and I were a great family unit!  I remember so much fun and happiness.  My parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins!  So important and there!

 It was so nice hanging out in our family unit!  We were always fishing, visiting people, having fun.  Having help with homework, meals at the table at Briggs Ave, learning to tell time at the table.  The Felix the cat clock with the tail that swished back and forth! 

Our cat, Slinkey, who brought birds and mice all the way up the second floor, second inner door for us!  All of the kittens she used to have!  Boxing in the front room with my little brother on the big rug, like it was a boxing ring!  So many long faded memories, seemingly taken away in one quick swoosh of time and fate!

Family is still important to me.  When my family dissolved, and dissolve it did, like it never even existed!  Then replaced with dark shadows and uncertainty and survival!  Replaced with a half life of sorts!  Confusion and mucho grande alone time!  Being transported weekends and holidays and summers to grandparents houses so Mom could work, or in the hopes of seeing Dad.

Back at the homestead, my Uncle moved in temporarily, vague memories.  My brother and I alone.  Hanging with Sherman Austin.  Wandering around Viale's Florist between the greenhouses, Pittsfield General Hospital, Springside Park.  Learning to run really fast taught to me by Sherman.  Looking for my Dad in the hospital after he broke his  neck.  Young, very young.  Bringing a box of kittens into the hospital and finding my Dad!  Yeah!  Comic books and Ressees PB cups.  Not the same as having my Dad, but a nice prize for finding him!

Alone, sadness, pain, sorrow.  Loss of laughter and voice.  Why is it always my voice which I lose during these times???  Why did no one notice???

Moving, now losing my friends along with my family.  No identity.  Fear, pain and sorrow!  Readjusting??  Never adjusted to my loss of family.  Being different.  Fun.  Alone.  Bad.  I was always labeled instead of loved.  Different.  Hugs, not hate, that is what I wanted and needed.  No love.  Alone.  Easy.  Difficult.

Nature saved me in my solitude.  The beauty all around me kept me alive.  The world can be ugly, but how can a flower and the sun and birds, raccoons, wildlife?  Never!  Never I say!  Thank god for small favours and his large beautiful planet which engulfed me!

No one noticed when I died inside.  Left an empty shell in this torturous hell.  All alone.  Once we moved my brother had my mother.  I had no other.  My Dad was gone, a letter, a postcard.  Tears, pain sorrow, hate when I loved.  Cruel!

Books, reading a lot!  9 - 12 books a week.  Hiding.  Hiding, always hiding.   No one noticed.  No one cared.  Such is life.  Such is life!

Strangers, other peoples families, they don't know that the love they shared gave me a thread to hold on to.  Very thin thread.  It was enough most of the time.  Until they too were gone.  Gone, alone again.  Normal. How easy it is to walk away?  How is it easy to walk away?  I don't know, but I do know because I do it to now. 

Family, so dear, yet so far away from me.  Gone and lost forever and never to be.  Sadness, tears and pain.  Will I ever be happy again?  Little girl lost and far away.  So alone every minute of the day...