I had an early meeting with my doctor, Richard today. It is nice to get some clarity from an outsider who is most definitely an insider. I am grateful to have regained him as my guy again. After the two or so years since I have not had a Physician, and my doc Richard going into private practice, having recently obtained a doctor I am able to see Richard again. Yay!
Richard took Lydia's place. Thankfully, we had a corridor relationship, whereas I did not know him, but I said hi, and he in return for the eight years that I saw Lydia, before she had to retire for health reasons. Unfortunately, the timing of her retirement happened when I was really ready to share with her and do some major work.
Needless to say, that was more moons than I like to recall. The work has gone undone to the extent that I, while trusting Richard, am not able to do the work that I could have done with dear sweet and most definitely missed Lydia!
I did promise Lydia that I would not slip back to the creature that I was when I walked into her office. Angry, sad, alone and scared. Having recently reconnected with emotions I no longer felt after the years of listening and believing the negative and hateful reinforcement in my life ~ most of my life, not all of it though, and not from everyone. Every once in awhile I would be around people whose main goal it was not to hurt me and make me sad and cry. Causing me to shut down inside, smile on the outside and carry on with the mask on.
Not to say that I have not been doing work. Lord knows I have! I could not just pick up and trust a stranger, although I do respect him, love his photography, and his insights. When I last saw him prior to this vacation from weekly meetings, I was working on how to get out in the world and connect with people, socialize and become involved.
I faced my fears and got involved in living life and volunteering and making friends. I am a giver, so it is easy to "do" things. It is less difficult to know how to make friends wisely for me. I am most definitely a magnet of some kind to people who I would be wiser not having as friends, and for the most part I do okay, but finding like minded people who are honest, fun, not judgemental, not takers, users or accusers of things that basically have never been in my genetic makeup, is not easy.
I will admit that I have failed, to some extent on understanding the difference between judging people and assessing people. Two different things apparently, and if you assess people, you are not judging them ~ I guess there is a difference, though I think and still do that judging people is bad, so I have to learn how to assess a little better!
I have met some great people and have had some awesome experiences over the past two years. I have done things, and gone places that in my younger days I would never have considered myself doing (normal people activities). Going to plays, concerts, meetings to network, volunteering where I am needed, all things outside of my comfort zone. Let's face it, to be honest, when you live your life invisible, it is quite a contrast to be visible again.
I have felt myself isolating and shutting down over the past couple of months. Feeling the walls come up and trying to close me in, shut me away. Censoring myself, listening to those negative voices and believing that those old tapes were real and true. Accepting responsibility all over again for things that were beyond my control and which I do not have the right to accept responsibility for, nor am I obliged to.
I apologize to you faithful readers, who have still been reading. I got lost ~ thought I was in the clearing again, and then I walked right off the path into a darkness that prevented me from writing and sharing. I thought "What is the point?" "Why bother?" "Who cares???"
The point is, I enjoy writing. I bother because people take the time and read and comment and I might add, only nice and positive comments ~ thank you! Because I enjoy seeing my numbers go up, and tracking the different countries who are participating in my journey. It gives me energy and strength and more strength when I am low and I ask for support and you give it.
"I AM STRONG" is something I know, but I forget when I am buried in the darkness. When only a little light twinkles through and I do believe, because I have been a fighter since I came into this world two and a half months early, and overcoming all that has been put before me since that day, alone or with allies, for whatever purpose I am intended to be here for!
I am no quitter, so I am just here to say that I plan on finding my purpose, doing the work that it takes to find what works to make me happy, content and joyful. Besides, I have not completed my New Year's Resolutions yet, I still have the big final one to go. I may be down, but I am not yet out!
So thank you for caring. It is unusual for me to have so many people - besides my children I gave birth to - who do care. I had learned how not to care myself to some degree, but I find that I do care and I do need the love and caring energy which I get from those of you who do care! Thank you all for caring, commenting and sharing!