Monday, September 8, 2014


I have had an interesting weekend to say the least.  Granted it was nothing like I expected and the unexpected is what made it so interesting!

With company from out of town, ArtWalk, Family dinners, random encounters, intensely deep conversations, I find myself looking more closely at myself and the patterns I have created in my life which are holding me back.

I was hoping to use this time as an escape from my own reality, decrease my stress, allow parts of myself to come out and play that I keep buried and squashed down.  Instead I find myself with those rose coloured glasses losing their tint.  I wasn't even aware I had them on until the clear light of day shined through!

Forced to look so deeply inside myself is not something I like to do.  What I see deep inside of myself is a mass of confusion, old beliefs which are kept despite their usefulness which are there to potentially harm me, the corner of destructive behaviour which I have been trying to keep at bay ~ everything inside holds me back from my progress and I feel like I have set myself back a couple of years and at the same time gone forward a little bit.

What is really standing out in my head, heart and soul is how deep that negative pattern goes and knowing I need to accept the real reality of the lies I tell myself in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life "authentically"

I like to think I have developed my authentic self,  and it is true that I live mostly in a reality based reality and I present my whole self as I am without regard for how I will look to people looking in from the outside.  I don't really care for the most part what people think about me, but judgement from others still hurt, but not as deeply as the ones I put on myself!

I can't expect to move beyond where I am now unless I remove these lies that I tell myself.  Accept the truths and say goodbye to childhood beliefs once again.  I thought I had done this part already, and I had, but then I allowed myself to believe in a lie again.

With that belief came reality, which couldn't be clearer, but I like to pretend things are not what they are and accept them as what I want, when in reality it is an illusion I created to have at least one special place in my world.

Shattered illusions do suck!  I must be honest and say that right now!  Disappointment sucks!!!  I am not going to beat myself up ~ I am going to take these new found realizations and use them to help me accept, recognize and grow from here.

How I am going to do that I am not sure yet.  I think a long walk in a quiet place will be needed to process this one!  In the meantime I think I will go enjoy some of that lamb I cooked for dinner yesterday, get ready to face my normally scheduled Monday (which couldn't come soon enough!) and try to wrap my brain around the past 5 days!

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