I have had an interesting weekend to say the least. Granted it was nothing like I expected and the unexpected is what made it so interesting!
With company from out of town, ArtWalk, Family dinners, random encounters, intensely deep conversations, I find myself looking more closely at myself and the patterns I have created in my life which are holding me back.
I was hoping to use this time as an escape from my own reality, decrease my stress, allow parts of myself to come out and play that I keep buried and squashed down. Instead I find myself with those rose coloured glasses losing their tint. I wasn't even aware I had them on until the clear light of day shined through!
Forced to look so deeply inside myself is not something I like to do. What I see deep inside of myself is a mass of confusion, old beliefs which are kept despite their usefulness which are there to potentially harm me, the corner of destructive behaviour which I have been trying to keep at bay ~ everything inside holds me back from my progress and I feel like I have set myself back a couple of years and at the same time gone forward a little bit.
What is really standing out in my head, heart and soul is how deep that negative pattern goes and knowing I need to accept the real reality of the lies I tell myself in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life "authentically"
I like to think I have developed my authentic self, and it is true that I live mostly in a reality based reality and I present my whole self as I am without regard for how I will look to people looking in from the outside. I don't really care for the most part what people think about me, but judgement from others still hurt, but not as deeply as the ones I put on myself!
I can't expect to move beyond where I am now unless I remove these lies that I tell myself. Accept the truths and say goodbye to childhood beliefs once again. I thought I had done this part already, and I had, but then I allowed myself to believe in a lie again.
With that belief came reality, which couldn't be clearer, but I like to pretend things are not what they are and accept them as what I want, when in reality it is an illusion I created to have at least one special place in my world.
Shattered illusions do suck! I must be honest and say that right now! Disappointment sucks!!! I am not going to beat myself up ~ I am going to take these new found realizations and use them to help me accept, recognize and grow from here.
How I am going to do that I am not sure yet. I think a long walk in a quiet place will be needed to process this one! In the meantime I think I will go enjoy some of that lamb I cooked for dinner yesterday, get ready to face my normally scheduled Monday (which couldn't come soon enough!) and try to wrap my brain around the past 5 days!
With company from out of town, ArtWalk, Family dinners, random encounters, intensely deep conversations, I find myself looking more closely at myself and the patterns I have created in my life which are holding me back.
I was hoping to use this time as an escape from my own reality, decrease my stress, allow parts of myself to come out and play that I keep buried and squashed down. Instead I find myself with those rose coloured glasses losing their tint. I wasn't even aware I had them on until the clear light of day shined through!
Forced to look so deeply inside myself is not something I like to do. What I see deep inside of myself is a mass of confusion, old beliefs which are kept despite their usefulness which are there to potentially harm me, the corner of destructive behaviour which I have been trying to keep at bay ~ everything inside holds me back from my progress and I feel like I have set myself back a couple of years and at the same time gone forward a little bit.
What is really standing out in my head, heart and soul is how deep that negative pattern goes and knowing I need to accept the real reality of the lies I tell myself in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life "authentically"
I like to think I have developed my authentic self, and it is true that I live mostly in a reality based reality and I present my whole self as I am without regard for how I will look to people looking in from the outside. I don't really care for the most part what people think about me, but judgement from others still hurt, but not as deeply as the ones I put on myself!
I can't expect to move beyond where I am now unless I remove these lies that I tell myself. Accept the truths and say goodbye to childhood beliefs once again. I thought I had done this part already, and I had, but then I allowed myself to believe in a lie again.
With that belief came reality, which couldn't be clearer, but I like to pretend things are not what they are and accept them as what I want, when in reality it is an illusion I created to have at least one special place in my world.
Shattered illusions do suck! I must be honest and say that right now! Disappointment sucks!!! I am not going to beat myself up ~ I am going to take these new found realizations and use them to help me accept, recognize and grow from here.
How I am going to do that I am not sure yet. I think a long walk in a quiet place will be needed to process this one! In the meantime I think I will go enjoy some of that lamb I cooked for dinner yesterday, get ready to face my normally scheduled Monday (which couldn't come soon enough!) and try to wrap my brain around the past 5 days!
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