Wednesday, September 3, 2014


I couldn't sleep last night despite having slept like a rock the night before, I was worn down and tired all day with no reprieve.  I fell asleep alright but woke during the middle of the night with a little niggle of a bother on my mind.

(Right now you are saying "niggle" isn't a word (and you are probably right), but it seems to fit.  Over the course of the day it hit me as to what is bothering me.

Since I write my blog for myself, and I write to clear my head and work through things to reach a better understanding of myself and the world and how I am affected by it.  (There I go using one of those dread words and I hope I used it properly!)

So, over my first cup of tea I realized I had disrespected myself and I am not proud of it.  In the moment it seemed like I was doing the right thing, but not really and I did it anyway.  Curious yet?

As you might have realized by all of my writing I am a people pleaser.  I hate confrontation and I hate to make waves and I overall like to help out where I can.  That being said, a friend of mine who is going through a loss and who has major anxiety on a good day had a problem.  I offered a solution and it seemed to be positive.  My solution was accepted and all was well in the world.

It was a simple storage solution, I had room, they didn't I offered they accepted, done and done.  No problems there.  The next day the friend decided that she wanted to trade what I was storing for a duplicate ~ same size, same space ~ again ~ no problem.

The problem came when I agreed and then got accused of being argumentative (which I wasn't)(and why do I have to defend myself?????  Now, I was questioning a whole lot (internally) and it turned into a "Do whatever you want" kind of situation.

Now, if you know me, I hate to be accused of doing something I am not doing AND  sometimes it makes me reflect the behaviour I have been accused of. (not in this case, however). Something I am not proud of and am better at not doing it, since people generally do not make that mistake with me.

In my frustration I accused my friend of not listening, which is an undeniable fact.  My friend came and picked up her possession the next day and made other arrangements for it.  Fine by me!  I was just a storage option anyway!

The problem that I am having with myself is the fact that I apologised for bad behaviour which I didn't own.  My apology was accepted.  Fine, done, right??  Be the bigger person, although I was NOT responsible for the situation and drama caused.  The person like I said, was dealing with a loss of someone very close to them so I thought it might be a good idea to take some of the situational anxiety away and have them not worry about the situation at all.

Now, I am going through no sleep and don't feel all that great about compromising my self.  I feel like I have personally taken three steps backwards in my growth as a person for doing this ~ especially considering the day before I wrote an affirmation that I was not going to take responsibility for another persons actions.

Sure, my friend feels better that I apologized for her DRAMA ~ I owned it like it was mine and she accepted it!  (Who wouldn't?) She even said she was going to work on listening and on keeping her thoughts and words more positive.  I hope she sleeps better at night than I do!

I just don't know what to think about this.  It is not a situation at all except for the fact that I am now bothered greatly for going against myself!  Selfish?  In line with the situation?  I am not sure.  I was truly sorry more that I helped when someone needed it and part of me never wants to make that mistake again.  In the meantime I am stuck with this nagging and bothersome self betrayal!!!

I do not want to let it affect how I relate to people in general and most specifically this friend.  I am wondering how it can not affect me in a negative way and learn to grow from this ~ since my life is all about learning and growing especially in interpersonal relationships.

I am curious, and feel free to leave a comment or email me back on this one if you would like to keep your remarks personal.  I am soliciting your advice, opinions and options.  Please mark in the Subject line something to indicate that you are responding to this blog.

I don't normally solicit feedback but I want to know overall what you might have done in a similar situation, and how you might resolve the conflict in your own minds.  

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