Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Three weeks..., pre-op exam done today ~ I will be glad when this is all over!  The array of emotions I have experienced since having the dye injected into me and finding out I needed surgery have been overwhelmingly mind-blowing to say the least!

The only way I can describe what I have been going through is similar to when you suppress grief from a loved one passing.  I find myself at times unable to think in a straight line (more so than usual!).  I was just up in my room watching t.v. and for some reason thought it would be a good idea to start moving things around in my room.

I took all of my stuffed animal collection off of the shelf and put them on my bed ~ it is a double bed which is now 3/4 full of teddy bears, stuffed bunnies down to Raggedy Ann and Andy.  Once cleared I then maneuvered the shelf  between the narrow gap of the table and dresser, over the extension cord cluster in the middle of the floor and down the stairs.

Once I landed in the kitchen I thought to myself ~ (after I juggled it to lean upon the table) what the hell are you doing ~ and there is no way you are setting that up tonight both at the same time.  Then I made a tea. Now I have a bed full of stuffed animals which will end up on the floor because I am done!

Moving things around is a thinking tool for me.  It just isn't a good time for me to be doing that.  For some reason I woke up in an odd disposition this afternoon.  I fell asleep for which felt like ten minutes but was a bit longer.

I feel like I have woken up in an alternate universe of sorts.  Noticing everything out of place and needing to be don, and not happily either!.  Then my son poked the bear.  The bear was not happy to be poked and went for a walk just for the sake of walking and shaking the feeling of whatever was amiss.

Of course, nothing is amiss.  It is just three weeks closer to the unknown.    That subconscious fear that I am trying to not acknowledge which is coming out sideways on me.  I am listening to some nice music and "I Shall Not Be Moved" just came on.

The song always reminds me of my grandparents.  Maybe I heard it in church before I heard it live in concert and was moved to purchase the c.d.  I am not sure but  it  puts me at peace.  I am thankful that it came on when I needed it to!  It was the reason why I put the c.d. in in the first place.

As time is drawing nearer I am getting anxious to be prepared for anything, which is one of my characteristics.  Drawing that list together, prioritizing what needs to be done and doing it.  Staying focused and not letting myself get sidetracked is going to be trick.

Moving a shelf and making a mess at 9:30 at night is not really a high priority ~ especially when the thought that triggered the action was clearing off another table unrelated to the shelf at all!  My lord!  I do need some strength!

I did reach out to my brother who lives close to the hospital which I am going to be operated in.  He of course will come get me whenever I want and bring me to the hospital and, despite having to go out of town a couple of days later for his wife's surgery in Ohio he is even going to have his son (who I can't believe is driving) my Sammy doodle (and he will probably kill me for calling him that) pick me up with the option of staying at his house if I need to and Sammy will bring me back home.

I love my baby brother and the one thing about time and distance is that we didn't see each other's kids grow up.  The love is there, always has been and always will which is most excellent, despite the time and distance. I am very proud of the man that my brother has turned into, although I still see him as a little boy in my minds eye.  The fact that his son, my only nephew is old enough to drive me home is comprehensible to me!

I am beginning to notice how dirty the keyboard and my compute and general work space is so I think it is time to relocate to my room ~ kick those stuffed animals out of bed and distract with some reading, the last notes of the last song are playing in the background.

I bid you all good night and pleasant nights and days with no worries.  For that is what I do hope to achieve myself!

p.s.  The GClawdia blog hit a two year anniversary on Sunday.  I am pleased to have begun it and grown over the years as a writer.  I have come far on this journey since I first began, I have reached some goals, overcome some obstacles, taken some challenges and made huge strides.

I am thankful for the opportunities which have come my way and look forward to the future challenges, adventures and growth yet to come!  Don't forget to make everyday an adventure or at the very least do not fail to see the beauty which is all around us.

No matter what your mood or where your location I am sure that the sun still rises and sets at the very least ~ so take the time and reflect upon it and feel the warmth of it's glow.  Thank you so much for reading...I am blessed everyday and look forward to growing and sharing with you!

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