MY EVOLUTION

When I was in tenth grade I took a psychology class.  During the nine days in which I attended the class during the first semester I remember learning about cosmic twins.  The idea was very interesting to me.  What I recall, basically is that each person on the planet has another half of themselves out in the world and it is our subconscious life mission to search the world until we find that person.

Since my  experiences up to that point had been affected greatly by my early childhood and watching my own parents relationship go from good to non existent, I thought it was just a romantic notion.  But the idea stuck in my brain for whatever reason.

Before I got totally discouraged with life and love and people in general I kept it in the back of my head, but continued to doubt.  Years passed, I loved, I was hurt and then I was eventually "broken" by my many life experiences which were not always positive.

Still, in the back of my mind the idea remained.  However, I became a silent observer more than an active participant.  Somewhere along the way I lost my "voice" (although I still had strong opinions) which I would voice when I absolutely could not listen to contrary things without stating my opinions.  I still spoke but with less heart and soul and I did not share my self with the world, or at least too many people within my world.

Over time, I found it less difficult to accept that I would be alone for the rest of my life, work on all of those things that hold me back from trust and love and hopefully, in my next life I would have overcome all of the hurdles and lessons which I have obviously failed in this lifetime in order to be "worthy" of  the love I was unable to access.

I had my children and I love them, but that is not the same.  I put my focus into raising them and trying to shape them into worthwhile individuals who were brought up with love, kindness and communication skills at the very least.  In other words try not to mess them up so that they might not have to overcome the things that tainted them in their childhoods later in life.

I am not a religious person, but I am very spiritual.  I like churches when they are empty.  I like to walk in them and absorb the energy, pray during troubled times and ask for guidance when I am so completely overwhelmed by the happenings in my life and light candles.

I have not found my god or my religion or my cosmic twin, but I have more faith in the recent past that perhaps, by some faint glimmer of light that love would touch my heart and life, aside from my children and grandchild.

I have been engaged in a series of very intense and in-depth conversations lately which have made me examine myself, my life and my beliefs.  I do not know if it is a result of the stress and anxiety which I have been experiencing while waiting for my pending surgery or not.  All I know for sure is that my beliefs are being shaken up and my perspective is changing.