Friday, March 14, 2014


I am losing sleep over not writing.  I have been thinking about it, yet thinking and doing are two different things.  Yesterday I did not even open up and check my stats and notifications.  This morning my guilt made me look and become aware that it had been 8 days since I last published anything.

Eight days of procrastination.    I thought I had walked away (somewhat) from that strange companion of mine.  Apparently my old friend has been out of sight but not out of mind, lurking in the dark recesses of my self.

I have excuses, of course, the dog did not eat my homework though.  I was struck after a busy weekend last weekend with a rare for me case of Vertigo.  Not to be confused with the regular dizziness one might get from standing too fast or whatever may cause it besides that ~ it is when you stand and the whole world keeps spinning and it continues.

When I woke on Monday to a ringing phone, which, when I picked it up to answer went flying out of my hand landing on the floor in two pieces ( battery still intact/no lost call), my brain was in a fog like I just woke from a coma.

Picking up the phone I could not formulate a clear response (good thing it was a good friend on the other end) I requested five minutes to wake up and clear my head.  Standing, I took a step towards the stairs, a bit wobbly, in a fog and dizzy.

I proceeded down the stairs where I stopped at the bottom ~ reaching out to brace myself at the bottom, because when I stopped ~ the world did not ~ I misjudged the distance between myself and the wall for support , instead I tried to stabilize myself on a pile of stacked paints, papers and almost crashed through the wall!

Taking a second to readjust my head, I paused before going down the last two steps before heading over t o the window to open the shade for my plants ~ morning ritual.  I pulled the drawstring and the shade broke ~ coming crashing down (avoiding the plants!)!!

I guess it felt left out since the companion to it broke a couple of months ago ~ needless to say it was not what I was expecting on top of everything else!  I made my way to the living room to reflect on the previous five minutes ~ for a monday things were not looking that good.

I was thankful, as I contemplated rolling a smoke, that my son had a cigarette already rolled, I could imagine what the rolling machine had in store for me that day and really was not eager to find out.  I lit the cigarette and phoned my friend back, still in a fog.

I made a tea  thinking that would help me wake up.  By now, I had figured out that the dizziness was separate from the whole in a coma from being wakened out of a deep sleep ~ one of the deepest in a very long time for some reason.

I cannot explain how I felt, but suddenly all I wanted to do was vomit from all the spinning and so I googled dizziness.  I tried to vomit to get rid of the dizziness but neither would co-operate.  I made a decision to cancel my standing doctor's appointment (non-medical).

By the afternoon I was getting nervous.  I hoped it was the signs of the flu so I would have a reason to feel the way I did.  I managed a ride later in the day from my Son and granddaughter to submit an application I thought was almost overdue.

Even sweet Ainsley's smile did not take my dizziness away but it did make me feel better!  While I was dropping off the application, the woman told me about some over the counter medication for vertigo and motion sickness.

When I finished I had my son drop me at the pharmacy where I located said medication.  I am not a fan of medication but I was less of a fan of the way I felt, so I popped a tablet under my tongue as I walked home figuring that if it made me drowsy I was only a few blocks from home.

My head felt a little better within an hour or so.  Everyone was so supportive in giving advice and possibilities of what it could be, or what experiences they had.  Since I have neck and back issues with nerve compression I could not rule out the possibility that it was spine related either so I took it all in and promised to get checked out if it continued.

Fortunately for me, Tuesday was a much better day.  My head still felt funny, but I did not have to take the medicine or see a doctor.  Two things which pleased me very much.  It did however, put me off schedule.  I had all these plans to share my ArtWalk and Mass MOCA experiences with you ~ complete with pictures ~ lots and lots of pictures (which I will do).

I guess I may have just seriously overdone it between Friday and Saturday with all of the walking.  I did make it to my doctor on Tuesday (non medical) and then had a wonderful visit with one of my son's old friends who originally rescued our Simba when he was a pup from his abusive home.

He came with his girl and his dog and a friend and we had a nice visit for a couple of hours.  It was nice.  It was the first time in a long time that I could think about my home and remember the great times there.  Sir Charles reminded me that it was a great place, a great experience and one that he will cherish in his memories (the same as I do and always will).

It made me feel good.  It made me remember, but not in the negative light which the loss of my HOME normally does.  It took me there back to the love, the family, the peace, the laughter and the awesome and wonderful life which I had and which those who were there had as well.

The loss of the happiest time of my entire life, though it spanned only 6 or 7 years, is what makes the day to day of everyday since 2008 so difficult.  For me, I find that my unhappiness sprung, not only from losing the house, but from my memories fading fast ~ just last week I could not remember anything  to grasp at other than the loss.

With the years full of (dare I say perfection), perfection for me, surrounded by people ( mostly teenage boys and girls), food, music, stories, laughter ~ to not remember was devastating.  Since visiting with Charles and hearing how meaningful and memorable our little home and family impacted my life it came flooding back.

It is not the location (specifically) that makes a house a home ~ it is what you surround yourself with.  For me, I have been shrouded in a cloak of darkness from my loss instead of being enveloped in the love and beauty of those wonderful times and memories!

Out of the darkness comes the light once again.  It kind of jump started me back into myself a little bit.  I got back on track and plowed through some spring cleaning to get ready and to take advantage of my son's absence.

I re-found my love of drawing with pencil ~ straight up lead ~ it did all begin with some charcoal all those years ago as I recall ~ although I have no woodstove to snitch a piece of charcoal from to draw with, a standard #2 came to the rescue.

I still have to put the house back together from picking up Christmas ~ rearrange displays and furniture (what else is new???) Spring is on it's way ~ a rebirth, regrowth and new outlook!  I will be happy when this Arctic Freeze passes and we get back into our sweltering summer temps!

The old neighbors have gone!  Finally have an empty place no more door slamming, hot water hoarding, temperature variations when I am in the shower thanks to mean spirited evilness!  Life is good and can only get better from here!

It has been a little spooky for the past couple of days being the only person in the  building and I was a little tempted to bring the big sword upstairs while I was sleeping without my son in the house and all the random noises a house makes when it is half empty.  (I resisted)

Shopping plans with a ride are in the works for this afternoon ~ I have deadlines and more deadlines some real and some just put on me by myself.  Much to do in this forward thinking brain of mine!  Thanks for taking the time to read and do forgive me for falling off the planet for a week!

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