Thursday, October 22, 2015


Yesterday I received a Facebook message from one of my "new" friends asking me if I am ok, since I have been going through some, shall we say, adjustments lately.  It is true that I have been under  a great deal of stress lately as I wait for the chips to fall so I can see what I am dealing with instead of running around like a lunatic trying to catch them midair instead of seeing where everything lands.

I am appreciative of the concern, but the last thing I want to do is to make a stranger worry about me, though it is sweet to know that people worry about me, now if they could just worry in place of me! In reality, life is going marvelously, despite a bump here and there, nothing I can't handle.

No one said it was going to be easy to look at my life and figure out where it needs to be tweaked.  I am no stranger to looking inside, the problems with me occur with growing a set and making the changes I know need to be addressed.

I have been tweaking my life and doing the work since 1999 thanks to Betsy Kaye, (RIP) who made me see something scary inside myself and admit it out loud to at least one person besides myself. One thing lead to another and I learned that I am not alone, even though I feel it 98 % of the time.  At least the multiple car accidents brought forth something other than chronic pain and nerve damage, it gave me the time I need to do the work.

The most difficult thing in my life presently is accepting the truths which I know even though I try really hard to look at them at different angles hoping that my perception will change and those bad spots in the fruit are just shadows caused by the wrong light.  That is never the case.  No matter how I want it to be so.

A few months ago, an acquaintance said something to me which tried to say I was a control freak, when I was venting about a situation.  I was more angry at myself than about the situation, although the situation filled me with so much anger, hurt and confusion, which was interpreted as anger at another for the choices they felt they had to make.  In a way she was right.  I get very angry when I am not in control of how I respond to a situation which affects (effects) me personally and deeply.

I love to spread love, light and positive energy and sometimes I get so wrapped up in processing the events which cause me turmoil that it is difficult for me to spread it as I work my way back to that.  So much has happened over the course of my life which makes it so natural for me to be full of sadness, pain and negativity, even though it is not my natural outlook.

It is difficult at times not to worry that I will remain stuck with the gloomy darkness that lives inside of me.  Finding the balance between the dark and the light is a trick that I am hoping to perfect (with less dark and more light!)

So, I thank you for the concern!  I love that someone is concerned!  I am always concentrating on the two steps forward and making up for the three steps back.  Sometimes I just don't have the ability or the desire to drag you into the darkness, and other times I am just too busy living life to have the time to share, but those times have been plentiful and everything that does happen, happens for a reason!

Presently I am miles ahead of where I was last year, or even 5 years ago and next year I hope to be in even better shape, God willing!  Sometimes you just don't realize the progress you have made but every once in a while you have to give credit where credit is due!  I know I haven't "arrived" but I know that I am on the right road - (as long as there are some lefts and rights to take along the way), cuz you know - all roads eventually lead back to home!

No comments:

Post a Comment