Saturday, October 17, 2015


Greetings friends,

I have been having a very different month adjusting to the changes I have implemented in my life. Since I have done that I feel so much better!  Life has slowed down dramatically from the previous ten months and I am sad about some things, but looking forward towards a more balanced and fulfilling future.

I have had good days and bad days.  The bad days come when I worry that I have made a huge mistake and also in observing the people around me and seeing that no matter what you do for people or how much you give the results will always be the same.

That was part of the reason for the adjustments.  I was having difficulty accepting what people would just expect from me, regardless of how much was being taken and the balance just was not there.  For a change, I thought long and hard about what was going on around me before making some very difficult choices.

Life would have been more difficult for me as I was going, if I had tried to keep it up.  Being a people pleaser and dutiful daughter despite knowing that it went against my self, which is not good, as we all know,  My life and responsibilities were in the wind and of no importance to anyone else I was doing for, and as I was so tied up with everyone else's things, to me either.

When I finally made the decisions to scale back and what to scale back, you would think that life would be easier, but no, adjustments had to be made as I slowed down, looked around at my own life and the state of it.

My house was a mess, I fell behind on my own obligations and the timing of everything to do with my structure was off by a notch or two.  I was trying to fulfill every ones expectations of my ability, and even though I was competent I could not keep up the pace forever.

I found myself eating dinner at very late hours, usually cooked by my dear youngest son, who never once complained about anything.  I also found myself compensating for our lack of quality time by taking away from my sleeping hours to spend time with him.

I barely had time to spend with my sweet grand daughter, whom I miss very much, but with whom I got to enjoy some excellent quality time together at the family cottage on the Lake, stealing a few hours selfishly where I could.

I had the best summer, don't get me wrong.  I have no problem burning the candle at both ends.  I wouldn't have traded anything that I did for any other thing that I can think of.  But when I began to see the writing on the wall, and by that I mean, those takers taking and expecting more and more, and more, and more, I had to put my foot down.

Down it went.  I sent my Dad back home, He had no need to stay with me after the Nursing Home, and before you get all "you're Mean" my Dad is a very young man for his age.  I watched him ham it up with how little he could do, which suddenly was not too much between the Nursing home and my house, the change was remarkable.

It is also remarkable to see how much he has recovered now that he is back home and has his car back, which I do miss, but I do not miss the daily check in's and finding out if he needed to go anywhere and the "I don't want to bother you...." the refusal to take his car back to have me at his beck and call, calling me to fix things that I had no knowledge or ability.  I am not god, I cannot make your phone have service when the tower is down!!!

It is interesting to see how little I matter to him over the past three weeks.  From 5 calls a day to 2 in three weeks.  Too busy with his "real" friends.  Which was expected, as it has happened to me for 40 years.  All or nothing my friend pointed out to me the other day, and not just him.  It makes my heart heavy, but reality is reality and I live firmly planted there.

My "Volunteer" Gallery Manager and Curating experience gave me the greatest pleasure.  Finding passion in picking Art, laying out shows and the excitement at the Openings as people came and appreciated the art was a high point in my month.

I will admit that I will miss that the most.  Although to be honest, Gallery Manager/Curating is not a volunteer job. After participating in this endeavor for ten months I will admit that I love the life experience, but the Whit was not the place for me.  I do hope that they are able to do some Gallery hours and make some sales eventually, but they are not focused on that at all and I had no more time to give to make it possible on top of everything else.  I do not consider that my failure though.

Making these decisions was not easy.  I must admit, I love the pressure of working on three art shows at a time, taking one down,  hanging one, worrying that I wouldn't have the next one up, getting the routine down.  I was proud of my participation and my output and I am very thankful for all of the artists who were on that journey with me!

So now I have weeded out the house.  Organized the piles.  I am in a new routine in my home and outside of it.  I go to have tea at one of the Coffee houses up street, regularly, I might add, just like my younger days (for those of you who liked to tell me that I didn't like to go have coffee, and it was something that wasn't "normal" I have to tell you now, you were wrong, words you wouldn't hear when I spoke them in your ear!)

I am getting used to walking everywhere again and did a 5 mile round trip to the store the other day, with a stop to pay the rent and go to the bank.  Planning my days once more, like I used to, so that I get everything done while I am out and mapping the journey before I leave.  Being prepared for whatever obstacle might lay in my path, and dealing with those unexpected ones as well.

I did have a little nervous breakdown before I finally settled back into my life once more.  Not a real one, but a slight tremor of one, but thanks to the support of those I know and some I don't I made my way through.  /Sorry for the worry and thanks for the support!

Last night I fulfilled my final Barrington Stage volunteer date of the season, as we only have theater there until October.  The play was great and I got to see some of my favorite fellow volunteers and say hello and good bye and see you next year!

I am so glad that I didn't not volunteer there this year, as I have spent three incredible seasons there and look forward to the next as well!  Before the show I stopped in to an Art Opening at the Hotel on North with Scott Taylor.

I caught the tail end of it and some great friends were there supporting Scott.  I think I handled the interrogations well and in a kind manner.  My absence has been noted by a few and inquiring minds wanted to know where I have been.

Thankfully, I had another obligation so I was only uncomfortable for a split second and then through the doors I went into the night to check the set up at the Greylock Lounge and take a walk down to grab a tea and have a quick chat with another friend.

I am sure these uncomfortable encounters will be more comfortable as people get used to me not being where I normally am, until I find a place to be that is.  For now, I have plenty to do.  The timing of my decision couldn't be better with the weather changing.

Already I am seeing good things coming my way.  It has been a long time coming and I am grateful, hopeful and very excited!  Life is an adventure, be sure not to forget, you just never know where that journey is going to take you!

Not all of your experiences may be ideal, but it shows you many things about yourself and others that only time can reveal!  Until next time - don't forget to stay strong, breath and don't fret!  If you haven't arrived there is time yet!

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