Thursday, October 1, 2015


It is the first of October.  Today marks the return of my Dad's car as he let me know last night (why he didn't just take it yesterday is beyond me!).  His rationalizing was waiting until the first.  One last day to run me around I guess, considering he has to go to the laundry mat today and I have to meet an artist, go to the pharmacy, bank and who knows what else at this point!

It will be good not to have the responsibility of caring for someone who could care for himself since, he got out of the nursing home in reality, in August.  It will be good for him to get back to his life and being responsible for himself and not call me because of every little thing which I have no control over (unless I had a magic wand and I don't know any magic!)

My internal system must be ready to get this over with.  I was up at 5:30 a.m.  Yesterday, I struggled to crawl out of bed at 7 a.m. to put the garbage out (which I opted out of!), instead ending the alarm and going back to sleep until 9 a.m.

It turns out I am a control freak.  I need to be in control of my own life and my own obligations and I think I reached my limit recently, from not having control of choosing what I do and how I spend my time, whom I spend it with and if I do choose to do nothing so be it - my choice.

Being around people who listen but do not hear has been one of my biggest challenges.  It seems like some of my main anxiety comes from that.  It reminds me of last winter where I would say something, knowing it was true and correct, only to be told I was wrong, defend myself and the validity of what I stated, have to prove myself to be correct and be told reluctantly that I was correct.  It gets old to have people think you know less than you do and question everything you say or not listen to what you have to say, especially if it goes against what they need from you.

I have been making choices for the past few months which have been for the benefit of my health - both physical and mental.  If you think it takes nothing to do the bidding of others for 6 months let me tell you, you would be mistaken, or an angel, or crazy!

I can tell you the results of being overburdened, but I don't want to relive the past three months of my life over again, most of all I do not want to live the past month over at all.  I am looking forward to the nothingness of my life.

I miss being "Gramma" and having sleepovers and not having to worry about anything but what I want to worry about.  I miss having time and peace of mind.  I miss being home. I miss having to be so organized because I don't want to walk everywhere, get home and realize I forgot something (which is a necessity when you are a walker, and a benefit as well.) I miss pajama days and weeks!

I am sure I will miss driving, but for the most part I have been leaving the car in the yard and walking in preparation of this day coming.  Part of me almost feels like calling my Dad right now and bringing his car over to him so he can get his laundry done early and get back into his "normal" routine.  Back with his friends and his life.  Perhaps this time he will stay off ladders (especially broken ones!)

Day two out of 30 without a stomach ache after a month of them is something I can really get used to for sure!  I am tired of being sick to my stomach and worrying about things that really are not my problem.  I say that and I mean it, and on more than one level this is true.

The stress and anxiety I have experienced on such high levels (the highest ever in my history) are not welcome here anymore.  I exorcise that right here and now!  If it doesn't belong to me, I am not owning it.  My new affirmation and one I hope to carry with me for eternity after this ordeal!

Much good has come out of this experience indeed.  I have learned some limits and realized that I need to stay within mine.  I have been on the "pushing things out of my life" end of life as well as subtly being pushed out of other aspects of my life which had great importance, but which is also a godsend in a way.

It makes it easier to accept being pushed away when you have been feeling the need to extricate yourself from a situation that doesn't work anymore.  September deadline headline - the big kiss off - see you later and don't let the proverbial door hit you in the ass on the way out (It is funny when it happens but not when it is to you!)

In with a bang out with a whisper (or a series of them which stop when you enter the room!) been there done that - adios amigos - I know the  signs when I feel them and brother are they here!  I don't think it is really the effect of the great Super Moon this week either (and wasn't that beautiful!)

I feel like I have walked through a doorway into an alternate reality.  I have been looking for the gate back home for some time - the only thing I have felt is an odd sensation of things being right but just a little off. I hope that I have found the gate back to my time and place - a place of peace, contentment, security and certainty.  It will be nice to be back home!

I have learned so much about who I am and where I hope to be.  For once in my long life I have stepped on the path which I belong.  I connected with the energy which energizes me, a passion that fills me up and I look forward to building that up to something greater than I could hope.  New goals and new plans and a glimpse ahead into a world of endless possibility!

I hope I have freed myself from what has threatened to snuff out my fire while there is still an ember to ignite the flames again.  I am sure that there is enough - if not I am certain that I have the tools inside me to get that fire roaring once more!

Someone I know said something recently which helps put things into perspective when they stated "Why should I support those that don't support me."  (if you knew the speaker you would laugh). I did not think it funny when it was said, and in the context, especially, but in a way it is very fitting and very ironic.

Looking back at all of the things which I personally have done over the past two years with this person in mind, for no personal gain on my end and looking at my current situation with this person professionally, where I support them with my endeavors wholeheartedly (but not profitably for anyone involved - which is the key here) giving time, thought, effort and energy selflessly but without support (a few thin "Thank You's) not really countering the inconsideration and still wanting more for nothing, empty words and no acknowledgement and no effort at communication, respect or value for what services I provided to enhance their world, with instead a subtle snubbing and statements like "you haven't been happy (obviously aware of the bruising of the subtle snubs and lack of respect of my efforts, amazed that they even noticed!)

Let me tell you, feeling and  watching your passion and enthusiasm drain out of your very heart and soul is a very unsatisfying feeling.  Recognizing the vampire in the room, disguised as a sheep in wolfs clothing makes it easier to make the choices and do the things which need to be done without shameful guilt about "disappointing" someone that wouldn't go out of their way to give you the time of day unless they could profit off of you.  I wish I had learned this long ago.  I am glad I learned it now.

It is a good lesson for me.  Learning to give and help are good things, and that is not the part I needed the lesson on.  The lesson comes from doing and helping those who need it as opposed to those who expect it and will only support you if it lines their pockets well enough - recognizing the difference is the lesson.  I get it now!

No comments:

Post a Comment