Friday, October 23, 2015


As I was just sitting rolling a few cigarettes listening to the absolute quiet of my house, aside from Thomas's breathing on the couch and the sound of a car passing on the street, I was thinking about how different my life is from just a couple of months ago, and how important it was that I slowed down.

I do recall, over the past ten months as I slept very little and was practically manic, not inside myself but to the outside world, busy all the time, trying to keep everyone happy - one more task, no problem, three hour road trip to nowhere, do this, be here, do that - okay, sleep - there will be plenty of time when I am dead!

From there I traveled back to a time when I had to live back in my hometown before.  My hometown and I have mixed feelings about each other.  I have never wandered too far from it, but avoid it I did.

When I was forced to live back here in the late 90's I took a job in the lead generation department of a marketing company in a room with two other people, one of them being my Dad.  All day long I listened to the telemarketers give their pitch as I qualified their leads for sometimes 12 hours a day.

Then I was asked to go on the road to do shows.  I looked better than the men who worked there so I got the classy shows - Boat Shows, Wine Shows, - Providence, Boston, New York, Connecticut, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Massachusetts  - my life was more than ideal, because the only thing I did in my hometown was eat dinner, usually out, since I could and sleep there!

My days off were few.  When I was home I was enjoying quality time with my sons, family  and friends.  I was super organized as I had to make sure I knew who was helping with the kids and I had a great support system at the time.  I was headed for a promotion, although, I would have been hard pressed to give up my time on the road.  Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, the road was the road and events with thousands of people were my ideal of the best times, and I made a pretty good paycheck as well and I didn't sell a thing!

 Then my mind wandered to my house in the country.  Another very lovely time in my life.  You could actually say I found my Utopia, although I didn't realize it until after it was over.   I was recovering from multiple car accidents in an older three bedroom cross between a ranch and a cape.

Two acres with a small stream running through at the base of Mount Greylock.  My house was off the main highway and I had two entrances to my driveway and frontage on the highway, yet private and secluded.  It was home. Our first home really, that was mine and the boys, minus one since Jeff stayed with my Mom to finish his senior year, although I would have transported him, his choice, he was almost a grown man and we have to let go sometime I suppose!

Country living was far different from City living.  It was December and I spent my first night, my 35th birthday, just like I had predicted when I was a teenager, in my house, sleeping on a bunch of blankets and pillows, the boys had their beds set up and were downstairs, Two out of three and then Pat's friend Nick who helped us move and stayed and went to school with Pat at Greylock.

Nick knew more about living in the country at 13 years of age than any of us.  He got us up and running in no time.  I do not know how we would have managed without him to tell the truth.  He was a godsend to us as much, I think as we were to him.  One of my first "wayward" boys, and girls as well, time would bring a few who needed rest, help, guidance, peace and understanding.

The past ten months did bring me happiness such as these times in my life.  Putting the three years of Art Walks to good use, Art Walks and Third Thursday being the things that led me to change my perspective on living in my hometown. The two good things which brought the community together and in a new light for me, personally, over the past 4 years, giving me something to look forward to as I tried two replace years of messed up experiences in this very City I now, once again call home.

Baby steps they say.  I began my reintegration into socializing, through these very events.  Living in the country I was around a lot of people, kids, parents of kids, my family and friends, life was always cooking, eating, visiting and laughing with a lot of hard work thrown in between.

Coming back to the city with my youngest son and my dog was a complete change.  Me, the kid and the dog all had to adjust.  The dog got me out of the house.  The kid stopped going out of the house, out of his room, dropped out of life in 10th grade.

That gave me purpose - tutoring at the library Monday through Friday for two to four hours for three years.  I spent a lot of time on the computer.  Met people, saw people I hadn't seen in years, read a lot of books.  The library was my second home once again.  The library and I were old friends any way, just not that close!  That is when I got the opportunity to volunteer at the Theater and began a whole new kind of life for me, very unexpected and right on the money.  I got to interact with people, dress nice and watch plays!

We do what is necessary for our children.  This was necessary as he was totally freaked out and I was needed.  I can say it was more than my parents would have done for me.  But, thank god, Thomas doesn't have my parents!  He graduated thanks to his tutors despite having two hospitalizations in between!  He still doesn't leave the house!

While I was immersed in my busiest times over the past four months, Thomas really stepped up in helping take care of me.  He took over the role of cooking dinner which he is pretty good at despite being able to eat hamburgers three nights in a row.  ( I am smiling as I remember weeks like that!)

He really stepped up when we were taking care of my Dad.  Getting up earlier and going for rides and having a blast taking photos all around the tri state area.  Playing cards with my Dad while I was busy doing paperwork or tying up loose ends on the next art show, or the current one or the one three months from then, whatever, he was ACES!

The lull I am in now, with very little desire to leave the house, is kind of like a nesting thing, I think you might call it.  At first I looked around at all the clutter, piles and dust.  It was all tidy piles, clutter and dust, but each room was buried.  I was not superwoman, after all!

I began to straighten my house from one end to the other and advance upstairs.  The garden was a total waste and all I could hope for was the quick death of it.  I didn't even bother to go out there.  It just made me angry anyway and I always try to avoid those kinds of things.

One thing about me, I do have a tendency to move rooms around when I am processing information, deep, internal shit which I do not discuss.  There was a ton of it, which meant a lot of furniture got moved around!

I vaguely remember beginning this last year before I knew I needed surgery, as far as sorting out my stuff,  but it had gotten much worse over the course of time.  I thought to myself, how did I let my life get so mixed up and confused, remembering a time not too long ago when I knew where everything was and everything was in it's place???

Then I realized that this whole time is necessary for me to regain some order.  It has been perfect timing, although, some people are a little freaked out by it I am sure and I was myself, when I realized that it was just the next step in the growing process for me.

Good things are happening that needed my attention, my primary focus.  Good things that I have been working on and waiting for time to pass so they could happen, reestablishing my security and my life so I will be ready and open with more choices available to me.  Sounds vague, but I do not like to jinx anything.  I do believe the Universe does put things in front of us and that if we are on the right path and open to them they are ours for the picking.  It seems that it is so, so far, so good, knock on wood!

As I gratefully accept what is before me, I am happy for all of the lessons along the way, even the ones that hurt me deeply.  Without that pain, where is the gain?  Although in the future, I would like a little less pain with my lessons thank you very much!

I am anxiously awaiting a very important phone call which will let me know if my current situation is secure or if it may have to change.  I do this not in a worried anxious way, but in a positive, everything is going to be as it should, hoping one thing, but prepared mentally, just in case so I can accept whatever response I receive from a good place!

Sometimes you just never know!  What you think is a bad thing could be the best thing that ever happened to you!

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