It is funny, lately I seem to be a bit confused by nothing in particular and everything all around me. Feeling in a void, kind of in between and the more that I accomplish, the less I seem to do. The more that is on my mind the less that I have to say. Seems really strange to me, being the one it is happening to. Maybe it is the full moon, I don't know.
This year there has been so many changes going on and we are hitting the tail end of February. I am still confident and happy and smiling. Just really introspective, thoughtful more than vocal and planning and processing.
Processing things is familiar to me, planning and thinking deep down about major life choices not so much. I am a go with the flow kind of person. Usually resulting from whatever catastrophes or hurdles surround me, and how to effectively manage to get through with the least amount of destruction.
I have been living my life on auto pilot for most of the time. Realizing lately that some of those automatic and reactionary choices were not always in my best interest, and in hindsight not the correct choices for me in the long run. Taking business in order to piss my mother off in Junior High and maintaining that in High School when I was an extremely smart young person - definitely not my wisest decision for example.
While I am not stupid, I do feel stupid in many areas. That is one of the reason I like the Internet. I really like the fact that if I think of a subject I get many resources to read and learn. I also like the fact that while I am a very social and outgoing person I feel more comfortable being so with people I will probably never meet face to face.
I am most comfortable with my family, obviously - my boys are my world - but second to that I love a roomful of strangers in distant places. I have more friends whom I sadly have not seen since I worked at my marketing jobs, vendors and marketers, carnies and event planners.
I really miss walking around Providence and watching in wonder as they cleaned up the area around the Civic Center. The beautiful architecture, the limos dropping people off at the beautiful theater, the Gentleman's Club next to the McDonald's and across the street from the Welfare building.
Hell I just miss getting in a car and driving for hours with the music blaring and singing along on the way in the early morning light listening to WAAF because we can't get it clear in our end of the state, laughing at Mistress Carrie in her pajama's on the radio.
I miss Boat Shows and Wine Shows and Carnivals. The Greater Hartford Open with it's tent of vendors and an extraordinary golf course - too big to walk around completely in one day and over the course of 4 eventually making it around once at least once, soaking up the awesome Connecticut sun.
The fair in Wolcott, Ct., where, when I thought I was lost and I asked for directions I was told it was pronounced "Wilcot", because nothing is like it seems! Watching the Fourth of July fireworks from the top of the Ferris Wheel - the best seat in the house - with a "friend" that I had made who worked there.
Maybe it is just that wanderlust kicking in. That old restless spirit craving for the journey to nowhere and anywhere.