Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I am wondering today why I have been having such difficulty in putting words to the page lately.  I have been feeling like an empty sheet of paper, white and colorless and well   -- empty!

It is not like I have not had anything to say.  I always have something to say about something!  It is not like I have not been out in the world and interacted with it.  I have.  I have even had some really funny things happen, and I have even had great fun recently, yet I feel different for some reason.

With all of the adjustments, my son coming home, finding a "new normal", settling into ever changing changes,    re-accepting the loss of my Dad, dealing with the day to day, doing daily chores, making small progress on my plans for the spring layout of my house, and waiting for spring and warmth and sunshine I am thinking and hoping it is a seasonal thing.

I am overjoyed that my son is home.  Watching his progress has me hopeful.  The other night he even accompanied me and my friend Sunday to an opening of an art show that my friend curated where he enjoyed the Art, got to put faces to people I speak about, and generally had a good time!

Feeling a pre-loss to a event that I volunteer for - which - unless I am reading more into being excluded from a mailing for the first volunteer meeting was an oversight - knowing it wasn't as my "best friend (ex) is in charge of - I am sure that this was what she was referring to when she said it was a small town and knowing her as I do, she would use her "presumed power" to push a few people out of including me.  It makes me sad, but thankfully she doesn't run the world and there are other events that will need a hard working volunteers.

Now I think I need to shift my focus on some things that will be fun for both me and my son to get out and be sociable at.  It seems we have both isolated ourselves from this world too long!  The world is our oyster and who knows - perhaps we will find an opportunity that takes us both out of comfort zone and we will find  another opportunity elsewhere!

You see, when I had to stop working with my counselor when he went into private practice two years ago, I continued to work on the things that I needed to work on, primarily socialization.  I had been living in the country in our safe little haven and needed little outside of our many friends, who may have been young adults, but they were awesome and always around, filling our lives with much needed outside interactions.

When we came back to my our hometown, it was lacking all of those people and adjustments were made.  Just not positive ones.  That is why, when the opportunity came via my friend Paul to volunteer and network I jumped on it!  I was at a place in my life where I needed to do something in order to change the status quo.

It helped me do more than just meet new people.  It also enabled me to feel satisfied helping out.  I get a real thrill out of that - when I was a secretary in the Church many years ago, I realized I felt the best when I helped point people in the right direction. 

It also made me realize - quite by accident that the man that I had married all those years ago was not the right man for me - not because I was looking for another man, rather, due to his lack of understanding and acceptance of me having a life outside of watching t.v. when he had time for me, after we had gotten back together after 17 years of being apart and me staying far away from anything and everything that he was about - especially him!

Since my son has been home he has inspired me to put myself out there and overcome a couple of my fears, just on his great strength of doing what is not in his comfort zone as well.  If he can do it - so can I - after all I did raise him!  The teacher can learn from the student!  He makes me prouder and prouder everyday!  

So now my journey is not just for me, it is also for him as well.  Our strength comes from encouraging each other.  As we overcome hurdles laid in our path I am sure that we will only grow as individuals!  Who knows maybe our journey will lead us to great adventures, or perhaps they will just help us find peace where we are.

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