Deeper

I have had an aversion to people for a really long time now.  When I was a child I really liked people and loved my family.  Life was good.  When my parent's betrayed each other and left my brother and I in the lurch to fend for ourselves with those "invisible" babysitters it kind of changed my perspective.  It comes from  a place deep inside of me brought on by great and constant disappointment, and general poor treatment from other people reinforced over the years by more disappointment and callous people.

It was quite easy to do.  Ask any person who has known me for a while.  Nature and animals are a huge part of my life for a reason!  Both kept me sane and happy with a cheerful outlook.  How can one not smile at animals in nature at work or at play, or smile when the sun shines, or laugh while jumping in a puddle - and yes, jump in puddles I do if I have the proper shoes on!

Thankfully along the way there were people who reminded me that not all people are the same.   Many of them have no idea how important and lifesaving their love and acceptance were to me.   Nonetheless, I methodically isolated myself from others and myself.  Since we are relative strangers, you do not know how difficult it is to be open, warm and receptive to people.  To overlook and not expect the same old hurt and pain one gets from interacting and putting oneself out there.

I had to relearn emotions.  The only two I had were anger and sadness. I promised a person very dear to me when she had to leave my life unexpectedly that I would not shut down and undo the progress which took me years to accomplish.  I can only say to my friend Lydia that I am trying and do so everyday.

Some days it is easier than others to remember compassion and grace.  Others not so much.  On those days I prefer to challenge myself by interacting with people.  Some days I succeed.  Today was a success!

I wrote this yesterday and hesitated to publish it because it is too harsh.   After re-reading it today I feel that if I didn't publish it then I would be going against my true self.  I am not trying to impress people.  This is my journey and exploration.  I just want you to know that am not one to share myself freely in real life and how huge this is.  My goal is to be authentic always.  I have failed in that aspect in one major area of my life - for another day - and not too far off I am sure!

I read today that you have to explore the dark in order to see the light and my friends - I am heading towards the center of that tunnel!