Wow - it has been an interesting couple of weeks here to say the least! Sorry that I have been unable to share with you while I have been living through these shifts in life with family and friends along with my own personal response/reactions and new evidence of growth!
I have been very sad dealing with separation and possible loss of friends and family. Sad that I again am accepting my Dad and his choices to make his mistakes and live his life and leave me yet again, which doesn't get easier as I get older. I don't know if he doesn't think, doesn't listen or just doesn't understand that love doesn't survive all and blood isn't always thicker than water.
He has always marched to the beat of a different drum - which I condemn him for not at all. I worry - he seems to be taken advantage of more and more by his friends which disturbs me to see. He realized it with one of his friends and another one swept in to cause a rift between us so that he could use my Dad with no interference from me.
I am supposed to sit by and wait until my Dad realizes it - something he knows but still allows to go on - for friendship, for ? I have no idea! The worst part for me is that I have to listen to my Dad when he has five minutes away from these people that is. All he does is talk about them and how wonderful these people are - they are not wonderful. He drives his friends and barely makes gas money. Now he is involved in some wood scheme where his friend will make a boat load of money and my Dad will work for a bowl of soup!
Hearing my Dad talk about these "friends" for me is like fingernails on a chalk board!
On a positive note, I am very happy to say that my friend and I who have known each other for just over a year, and who I was afraid that I had made a poor judgement on and whom I felt had no compassion and I have made a major step!
She read my blog and figured out that Houston - we have a problem here, she saw beyond herself, read my words, and understood where I was coming from, and a clearer image of who I am and why I am me. We were able to express to each other in words - verbally where each other was coming from. I for one get tongue tied and twisted when I get anxious or nervous and sound like an idiot and cannot get out what I want to clearly with the things that are most important to me! It is easier to walk away and not think about things. I express myself much more clearly with the written word.
I never had a friend who looked out for me, as stated I believe in an earlier post, my relationships tend to go the other way, so I was not even aware that she thought that I was being treated poorly by the young men in my life, by young men I mean my boys, and was trying to defend me as a friend. I on the other hand thought that she was a shallow person and not worthy of being my friend because she couldn't understand why I would allow my child to speak to me in the manner he was speaking to me, even knowing the young man just had gotten news of his Dad having brain cancer. Since each of these things were foreign to the other it caused a problem for me.
I never realized or saw until this conversation that we had that we all have our issues. She keeps hers very well hidden also. I know that she is a wonderful person, no doubt about it, but I never realized the pain she carries. She is very strong and bubbly and fashionable and led an amazing life! The insecure me wonders what she sees in me as a person at all! I bring nothing but me to the table! Her friends are all movers and shakers and doers. I am just a disabled ex marketer/mom.
The experience was very enlightening for each of us! My heart swelled up! She said she had been taking me for granted. I for one am unfamiliar with the labeling of the act, but have been there in every relationship. Not realizing that my pain stems from such an act as being taken for granted when I try not to take anything - especially the people in my life for granted. Somehow I have convinced myself that you have to love people just because, even when they do treat you poorly. I do not accept that any more.
I explained to her that I was trying to re-teach my self from my normal responses, which with all of the negative reinforcement I have gotten from my early childhood through my teen years and into my adult years to the present.
I told you all this was a personal journey...one that is most important to me - a person who is put down doesn't have normal responses to normal everyday situations. I am so guilty of that, my normal course would not have been to have a conversation and gain understanding and learn and assess whether the relationship was worth it. I have been in such unhealthy relationships that I stayed in just to have the relationship my whole life. The need to be loved regardless of the quality of love.
Sadly, my children are keen observers. My boys told me about ten years ago that I wasn't allowed to date because the same thing always happen - the men are the same - they don't contribute to our lives, they are bloodsucking vampires that drain the life and love out of life. Which is true, the faces change, but the brand is always the same. Which is also why I choose to be single and celibate
I am learning to love myself so that one day when my prince does come I will be open and ready. (Yes, secretly I do believe in love and true love at that! I secretly hope that even I am worthy of it. Even if it means walking alone I refuse to settle for anything less ever again!)
My youngest son, whom I live with, listens to me and observes my ranting and frustration, the more frustrated the more I rant - I was raised by an Italian - we are expressive!!!! He, after seeing my friend and I reunite our friendship, had the nerve to call me two faced.
He can't understand how she and I can still be friends because of this. Explain to a 19 year old boy that adults talk and can rectify a situation. It is not really normal to burn bridges. I am now faced with trying to explain it to him in words. It is very frustrating being a parent who cares. So my work is cut out for me to say the least!