Saturday, November 10, 2012
CONFLICT AND BALANCE
Over the past two years I have been trying new things, meeting new people, opening myself up to the world and the world to myself. Overall it has been very positive. It has enabled me to a certain self awareness, and a kind of awakening. I have bravely gone where many people go easily - out into the world meeting people and making contacts - challenging for me!
I have overcome a few hurdles. Regaining my independence on the fourth of July, which in the past had cost me my voice and my freedom of expression and caused me to run far away and hide in seclusion for 17 years. Not having a voice - or rather having a voice and being afraid - yes I said AFRAID to use it...I am not willing to compromise myself in such a way for anyone ever again.
Not for intimidating people, men or women, not to save someonelse's feelings, not for false friends. I cannot stand biting my tongue when you say something to me which is cold and mean, regardless of who you are. Not for love or money or status would I do so ever again. The cost of doing so is very great and I would rather be friendless and alone in its stead.
I refuse to flee ever again. Facing whatever challenges come up may be difficult but not as difficult as not being able to look at myself in the mirror, or stifling how I truly feel and putting on a false face. I could be like some people that I know and do that but that is not how I roll.
When you hurt me I do not cry, but I do feel the pain. I feel and I try to be understanding and overlook it, but I remember. When you hurt me again and again I have to ask myself, is this person aware of what they are doing?
Some people are not that smart, although they think they are, college educations are not the only intelligence factor on the table here. I have not gotten my education from structured institutions. I got my education from life and living life in reality. I have walked many walks, traveled many roads and lived in the black the white and the grey areas. I have looked with rose colored glasses and have removed them.
Doing coke with rock stars doesn't make you any less of a druggie than the people on the street that you turn your nose up to. You are not better than anyone and how dare you think that you are! You being mean to your mother is no different than my son being mean to me, only he is doing it because he is a boy dealing with a man's problem and I am his rock and I gave him that permission. There is a difference. My son loves me.
I am unwilling to compromise my values being friends with people who wouldn't like me if their realities had not been changed due to circumstances which are beyond their control and which they deplore. Meanness and negative - keep it! Slap me in the face - shit on my life and my home and my family - go away I don't play with mean people who only want me around for what I can do for them. Leave me behind - you have not even noticed that I am have been gone!
I feel guilty inside for feeling bad because I am not "feeling" compassionate and understanding. Is that a friend? I have tried. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a weight in my heart! I would rather be alone. Having and being false friends are not one of them.