Friday, November 16, 2012

Defaulting on life

It is Friday night and for a change I am staying home.  Lately my friend Mike, who volunteers at a local radio station, has been keeping me really busy checking out local music and even going to NY State to Albany to hear bands.  Last week he dragged me out at the last minute even though I had plans with my bed and t.v.

I used to have to go out when I was younger.  The desire to stay home was nil.  If I didn't go out I would go mad!  In the mid 90's I used to go out with my friend Sharon and hear her and then our favorite band Ruby and although they are no longer around I would still drop everything to go dance to their tunes.

I would have been dancing last Friday night but when we got to the club with the band they went on break and then Mike wanted to go eat ice cream and then surprised me by not going back to dance.  Bummer.  I could have gotten into it!  Timing is everything I guess and priorities also.

I am feeling an urge to get up and dress warmly and just take a walk in the cold November air.  I am feeling restless.  My normal is so out of whack that I don't know what that is anymore!  Up until last year I had no social life outside of my home.  Prior to that my home was the social hub.  Each situation takes getting used to and I cannot decide if I like to leave my house or not for real anymore.

Up until May the only reason I had for leaving my house was my son's doctors appointments, the library for his tutoring, shopping or walking the dog three to five times a day.  Now I have to force myself to leave the house for any reason.  It is a catch 22.

This day has been a roller coaster!  I woke up tired and spent to go and stand out in the freezing cold to get food at the food pantry.  My money doesn't cover everything and I am not too proud to take handouts of food.  I am thankful that they are there looking out for we less fortunate souls.

I do miss the days, not so long ago when I had a house and credit and credit cards more to the point.  At least then when the money ran out there was an alternate source of funding.  Not that I am frivolous and live outside my means.  I managed my finances and such amazingly well for a single mom with three kids.  A++ credit is a thing of the past since the recession and a bad refinancing.  I accept responsibility for my end of it. The one where I defaulted on my life.

Getting out of this mess, knowing where to begin is hard.  Since my normal practice is to stand still and do nothing when you know not what to do, I did that.  Now standing still I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and it is rising fast.

I read a book from the library on bankruptcy for dummies.  I wasn't really too sure until I consulted an attorney what really counted as property and valuables.  I have a lot of things but none are valuable.  They are trinkets from my past lives.  Memories and markers.  A whole lot of nothing.  Made me feel better and worse.  Since my income is Disability it cannot be attached - thank god for small favors - but since I have limited income I don't have the money to hire an attorney to file for me.  I am confident that I can figure it out on my own with that silly book.  I know that I am not going to be able to move forward until I accomplish this task.

My New Years Resolution prior to New Year is to take care of this matter.  I am never going to be happy until I correct the error that I made and do this.  I would love to be able to answer my phone again and not be afraid to open my mail.  It is time.  So wish me luck.  Pray for me to have the strength to begin this major undertaking.

I am going to by-pass the walk and do what I should have done last Friday evening and get into my p.j.'s and climb into bed.  No good can come from wandering out into this cold November evening the way I feel right now!

I rarely get down and yet, in this moment I am so very sad and can't think of one positive or inspirational thing to say.  I guess the upside would be that I have decided to tackle a major undertaking which I have put off for 4 years now.  I do hope that my procrastination has not caused me any problems I am unaware of.  It can only help to correct this situation - right?!?

Maybe there will be an awesome classic movie on when I go upstairs!  I do appreciate you all for joining me on my journey!  I love seeing all of the people and places who are reading my blog.  It excites me to see new readers from different countries!  I am like an excited child when I check my stats.  Thank you all for taking the time to get to know me!

It is huge for me to share as I have always hidden myself.  It is so different living in the light rather than the shadows!  Thank you all again!

Peace and love!


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