Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I am almost ashamed of myself. I admit this because it is true and because I was almost walked away from a true friend because I thought she had no compassion or understanding. I am so used to negative relationships and negative actions from those people in my past that I labeled her. I judged her lack of understanding based on the assumption that she lacked the compassion with the facts presented to her.
I was wrong. I freely admit that yes, I am occasionally wrong. I have been conditioned in my life to walk away or to be left behind. Or more to the point - to walk away instead of being left yet again. Having no healthy relationships to base a healthy relationship on it is hard to realize that not everyone is out to use and hurt you!
I am working on myself as you all know. I don't understand a protective friend. She didn't understand that I am a Mom through and through - one that makes allowances and allows freedom of speech in my home - how can I say "Hey - you are being an ass" and not allow - in the name of communication and expression - and not allow another have the freedom to call me an ass? Not in meanness mind you - not in anger.
When my child or children are exploding inside I know. We don't have secrets - not too many now that we are all adults. I value my son's observations of my interactions. They have known me a long time and are more aware of me than I am.
Expression of emotions were not tolerated in my house when I was growing up. I wasn't allowed to cry or be sad when my Dad called and I missed him. I was picked on for feeling anything. I learned not to feel things. Somehow I was still able to see the silver lining, however faint it was. If one wasn't there I found one or retreated into books.
I made a decision when I became a parent to do it to the best of my ability. I raised my kids in reality. We didn't live in a sugar coated world - life is hard enough to believe it is going to be easy. I raised my children with love, laughter, and good food. I allowed them to be independent, responsible young men. I allowed them to be themselves and never be afraid to express themselves. A bottled up emotion is like a bomb that can go off at anytime.
I have been that bomb. My children have watched me out of control and exploding. I am not proud of it. I am not that person anymore. I never want them to feel like they have no one to talk to and be the bomb too.
They used to have a game - let's see how quick we can get Mom to explode - it never took long. These days we don't play that game.
I feel like a bad friend because I did not realize that my friend is also in pain and struggling herself. I saw her isolation as a distancing from me rather than an isolation of herself. I am a work in progress and my new goal is to be more aware of the difference between true friend behavior - looking out and protecting me; as opposed to false friends behaviors.
As positive as I am, as smart as I am, I have much to learn about healthy relationships, having them and being in them. I have to learn to trust that all people are not the same as the people that I have been used to in the past, family and friends alike.
It is really weird when my sons defended me and protected me from my ex husband last year, when he randomly flipped out and punched me, one who has hurt me over and over again emotionally. To see my youngest son - without fear or hesitation step up and step in at the expense of his own safety was overwhelming and touching.
To have my best friend concern herself with me being hurt by words, now that I am aware of it is equally touching. Thanks to Jennet and Patrick and Thomas for being in my corner and having my back. It will take time, but I will get used to it someday. My corner has been empty for so long I forgot what it felt like. I love you guys. And that is what family is all about.